Hello, I'm a new user here albeit I've been reading the forums for a lengthy amount of time. ;)
I'm 22 and identify as transexual. In November last year, by my mother's initiative (she thought I was depressed), I started seeing a psychiatrist. I told this psychiatrist of my issues with gender, my inability to accept a male role and my repeated efforts to renounce it. It wasn't always like this however.
During my childhood, I knew pretty much that something was "different" about me, though it was hard to pin down what. Inclinations I had largely went in accordance with what's stereotypically perceived as female, albeit I wasn't one of those children that rebel against their parents and are absolutely certain that they're of the opposite gender; I wasn't, but I felt good expressing femininity, though without being aware of what that actually meant. I felt very comfortable with "female" things, including some cartoons, though I was highly self-conscious of all this. I remember changing channels to hide from my parents that I watched certain shows, because I was embarassed about it, probably a consequence of an event in which I was caught playing with a female doll as opposed to a male doll with a female friend and got repressed for it. I remember in school I used to "pretend" a lot. I used to pretend that I was different characters, typically adults and I would portray both masculine and female characters from TV and videogames; I thought both were "cool" but I didn't really distinguish them by their gender. My preferences relied mostly on the feminine end of the spectrum however and those were the most fulfilling for me to idealize myself as.
I don't wish to discuss my sexual orientation but I had a few "heterosexual" relationships, in which I always maintained a passive role, even in how things started. I was never able to begin showing interest in anyone first, I could never take the first step. Safe to say that all relationships I've been in were initiated and led by my partners.
Countrary to many transexuals, I didn't "hate" my body, I was actually vain and shallow, taking great pride in compliments or in people being romantically interested in me. I actually loved what I looked like, despite presenting in an androgynous fashion and doing things like waxing my legs, growing out my hair (I would only cut it when forced to by my parents, and it always involved a lot of crying). Despite already being in my teenage years, I don't think I really differentiated between the two genders; everything a female could do, I felt I could do too. I didn't really feel "wrong", but that's since changed.
I can't remember when exactly I found out what being "transexual" meant, but I recall seeing people who I learned were transexuals on the internet and my reaction was more along the lines of "Oh cool, these people changed sex" rather than "That's me!", which I perceive to be the most common reaction amongst other transexuals. Did I want to be a girl back then? I probably would have prefered it, but I didn't feel desperate enough to the point of thinking that I must transition, like I do now.
As I continued to grow up, things evolved into me wanting to express femininity through other means; clothing (and I don't mean crossdressing at home for a couple hours, then undressing to end the fantasy, I mean to have the clothes portray who -I- am, not a fictional character named Candice). The first time I crossdressed was due to a simple impulse, more of a joke that I didn't intend to take seriously; I recall as I was getting dressed, thoughts about how I must absolutely pass started to overwhelm me, I realised this was actually important to me and maybe not that big of a joke. When I looked in the mirror, I was satisfied with the result, I felt good, not weird, as I guess I would have assumed at the time it'd feel like; I just felt me, but I still didn't assume that I was transexual.
I should note that I had surgery to correct a testicular atrophy that was preventing me from going into puberty when I was 13. Apparently it happened when I was 5, but it was only diagnosed much later when my mother sensed something must be wrong with me. People made fun of my voice, my looks, how I was "underdeveloped", but I wasn't particularly bothered. I wasn't even 1,50m by the time I was 12 but that didn't make me uncomfortable. Looking back, I think it was because I idealised myself being feminine rather than masculine, but I wasn't very aware of these concepts back then. I remember thinking I was "gay" for a period, not because of the sex I was attracted to, because I wasn't really attracted to anything, but I had "girly" behaviours which warranted observations and insults from others.
Anyway, since starting to see that psychiatrist in November, I've since been directed towards another hospital, where I'm under the care of a multidisciplinary team; a different psychiatrist, a psychologist, an endocrinologist and a gender therapist. They specialize in treating transexuals. I had multiple appointments with my therapist, during which I did a test with 600 questions to determine my psychological profile and wrote an autobiography. Two days ago, I had an appointment where I finally met my psychologist; my therapist was there and gave me a letter so I can get started in the second hospital to obtain my second diagnosis. I got a bad feeling from that appointment; the results from my psychological profile had arrived and they stated I was deeply depressed and that there was some confusion (they reinforced the urgency for me to meet with the psychiatrist there, so that I can be prescribed something). I got the letter however and now must schedule an appointment in the second hospital...
Now, maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I couldn't help myself after the feeling I got from meeting my psychologist... I opened the letter and basically it said that they were forwarding me there so that they may diagnosis and stated that their doubts were mainly referent to psychoticism. I dread this. These hospitals have a monopoly over who gets treatment and who doesn't, if they declare I'm not transexual, I become absolutely stuck in my transition and must continue to lead a depressing live that doesn't satisfy me. Basically, my life is in the hands of a handful of individuals who say one thing this month and another thing on the next. My therapist said he had all he needed to know I was a transexual, he said there were no doubts in my case, now because of a few crosses I laid down on a piece of paper, I'm suddenly psychotic? It's immensely frustrating to me. He said I could get HRT this year, now on the last appointment they said that people sometimes wait 2 years for this thing... Supposedly the second diagnosis would take a single appointment, now they're saying I might have to go to the second hospital multiple times (this is inconvenient for me because this hospital is HOURS away, but it's the place in the country where SRS and breast enhancement surgeries are made, so they recommended it to me). I cannot wait two years for this thing, my body's a ticking time-bomb, I don't want a beard or a man's hairline so it's urgent that I receive hormone therapy quickly, because irreversible things can happen to my body... who knows that I'll look like in 2 years. Do you think my "psychotic" profile might complicate things too much for me?
I'm very, very desperate and stressed. I really need to hear from others who've had similar experiences or something of the sort... the only person I talk about this with uninhibited is my boyfriend and I put a great deal of pressure on him... I'm in a state of obsession about my transition because I don't want to wait any longer, I want to live and be seen as me, the inability to do so is ruining my relationship and it frustrates me so much that these people might doubt the validity of my gender issues and discredit them as dellusions...
I need to hear from others badly, I'm not sure I have the mental strength to make it on my own... :-\
I'm sorry I wrote so much...
I feel so bad Mermaid....what they did to you is terrible =(. Hope everything turns out o k for you, I don't know where you are from but I know in California you don't need a psychiatrists note to start taking hormones.
Hugs, I'm sorry. Doctors don't always know what's best for people. Just be strong and watch what you say and how you behave around them. Being good and making them feel your improving is the fastest way to get out of that situation :(
First of all, sending a big hug your way as well.
It is hard to advise you not to worry too much, as I realise that is so much easier said than done; but reconsider what the letter says, and think about what their worry translates to in terms of psychoticism. Grabbing Wikipedia for a sec:
"Psychoticism may be divided into narrower traits such as impulsivity and sensation-seeking. These may in turn be further subdivided into even more specific traits. For example, impulsivity may be divided into narrow impulsivity (unthinking responsivity), risk taking, non-planning, and liveliness. Sensation seeking has also been analysed into a number of separate facets."
To be perfectly frank, something along those lines was my own greatest concern by far when I started my therapy. I was virtually begging my therapist to confirm or deny the truth of my feelings vs. them being something I simply threw myself into on impulse ("Me, impulsive or seeking new sensations? Never!" Whom am I kidding; my own grandpa called me a tad radical... :P). Logically she refused, and had me make up my own darn mind, which went a long way in helping me deescalate my "I need to transition NOW!" rush. A few months won't really make a difference for your transition, and I know that it doesn't feel that way, but trust me, they won't (...and male pattern baldness becomes an issue when the hair has been gone for a few years; not months :)). Where they WILL make a difference, and a huge one at that, is in terms of your own confidence in your decision, which is the best basis for launching you into HRT and all that interesting stuff. Being plagued by doubts is a really bad starting point.
So I guess what I am saying is to go there with the resealed letter and, without making it too obvious that you've read the content of course, show that you have reflected on the decision, on the potential of it being impulsive, and what factors led you to believe that it is not the case. It is okay to voice a doubt or two, phrase them as a question and bounce them off the examiners, make them help you iron out any last kinks in your argument. Don't be overtly pushy, don't put pressure on them, act as mature and self-reflective as possible, even if your emotions try to push you into another direction; one could almost say: show impulse control vs. impulse driven. It will be hard, no question, but keep focussed on your goal and let that guide you.
Thank you all so much for the sympathy and heart-warming replies! They managed to cheer me up a bit, which I thought wouldn't be easy =(
Quote from: amber4400 on June 01, 2013, 11:41:01 AM
I feel so bad Mermaid....what they did to you is terrible =(. Hope everything turns out o k for you, I don't know where you are from but I know in California you don't need a psychiatrists note to start taking hormones.
I'm from a small country in Southern Europe. I wish it was like in California, here they're really strict about who they give treatment to, it seems... tedious scanning processes. On the other hand, it's not all bad. Breast implants and SRS come free of charge later, provided you're "transexual enough" for them... Also, I get the impression that they're a bit pushy about surgeries, or seem to assume that everyone wants them, which doesn't bug me since I -do- want them, but I realise not everyone feels this way, so it's a bad assumption for our therapists to make...
Quote from: Tristan on June 01, 2013, 12:03:35 PM
Hugs, I'm sorry. Doctors don't always know what's best for people. Just be strong and watch what you say and how you behave around them. Being good and making them feel your improving is the fastest way to get out of that situation :(
Seems that way... generally they always start the appointments by asking me how I've been feeling... I usually say the truth, which is "not very well" and then explain my frustrations, but... maybe that just reinforces the idea that I'm depressed and they don't see me as suitable to start HRT because of the huge emotional charge that it brings... I'll just start telling them that I'm "better", because it seems they want me to be feeling well mentally before taking any steps forward... the problem is, I won't be able to start feeling well until I start taking steps forward. I know myself, nothing cheers me up more than feeling like the next day will be better... for example when I was forced to cut my hair, I took great comfort in knowing that every second, every day, it would be just a little bit longer, and that it would grow overtime... similarily when I wore braces, I knew that I was closer and closer to getting them off and having a perfect smile, that also gave me strength... faith and hope is usually what gets me over my problems, HRT is no different, knowing that my body's being feminized, as opposed to masculinized. I don't see how they expect me to "get better" if they don't set me on the way to make progress...
Also, thank you so much for your reply, Theo, it really made me feel better and see a light at the end of the tunnel, made me think that maybe I'm dramatizing (I tend to do that -.-). I will be very careful in future appointments and try to give them an idea that I'm fine, just need to figure out what're the least "psychotic" things one can say lol! Any more tips will be really appreciated, your advice is very positive and made me feel much better! :D
Hi Mermaid,
I live in a large country located between northern and southern Europe, France, and there is a a set-up here similar to what you describe with multidisciplinary teams in a certain number of large population centers. However, no one is obliged to use this system You are perfectly entitled to go and see any therapist/doctor you like and at least as many people go through a DIY transition in this manner as those that go through the "official" channels. This is what I am doing myself. The only difference is that if you do a DIY transition, very little of the expense will be be covered by health insurance and none of the potential surgeries.
Anyway, if you are concerned about the way things are working out for you, do you not have a similar option available to you?
I am also just a little curious to know what "small country in Southern Europe" has a system as complex as the one you describe with hours of travel between the different centres? Even in France, a very big European country, you are never shuttled between different teams in different cities. It's actually quite hard for me to see what the point of it would be. Have you thought of asking the question?
Best regards.
Donna
Portugal is the country in question. My economic situation pretty much rules out the possibility of obtaining help through private therapists.
As for why this complex system is in place... I guess it's just standard procedure; it really makes no sense to need a diagnosis from TWO multidisciplinary teams, it's sort of ironic even and makes you think if the people in charge of everything really trust what each of these teams are doing, since one diagnosis isn't enough. It isn't all bad however, mostly because of everything that they actually allow you to do once you're done hopping through all the hoops they've set down... for example, a simple paper diagnosing the patient, allows him/her to change names and gender in the documentation.
Even if I had money, I'm not sure there's any private teams that'd be legally able to help me. It's something I've researched before and there's just very little information on the subject available...
Quote from: Mermaid on June 01, 2013, 04:49:47 PM
Even if I had money, I'm not sure there's any private teams that'd be legally able to help me. It's something I've researched before and there's just very little information on the subject available...
OK Mermaid, sounds like Ireland where I'm not even sure that you could find the sort of multi-disciplinary team you have available to you. Regarding the expense of private therapy, I may be wrong but I imagine Portugal can't be worse than France. I pay 60€/session which I probably could get refunded if I really wanted to but as I only see her every couple of months it's not a big deal.
I also pay for my HRT, about 90€/month, but I understand that depending on earnings, this could be more or less painful. As for the more expensive procedures, I don't think things like FFS, hair removal etc.. are covered by social security in many places, but strangely, GRS, about the last procedure I would consider as necessary for a successful transition, often is.
Anyway,I suggest you play it by ear. Things are rarely as bad as we fear and maybe you will have a pleasant surprise at you next appointment.
Wishing you all the best.
Donna
P.S. If you are Portuguese, your English is absolutely remarkable!
Quote from: Donna Elvira on June 01, 2013, 05:15:56 PMI also pay for my HRT, about 90€/month, but I understand that depending on earnings, this could be more or less painful.
Whoa! I could never pay that much nowadays... :-\
Quote from: Donna Elvira on June 01, 2013, 05:15:56 PMAs for the more expensive procedures, I don't think things like FFS, hair removal etc.. are covered by social security in many places, but strangely, GRS, about the last procedure I would consider as necessary for a successful transition, often is.
No, I doubt FFS and hair removal are covered here... Would be too good ;D
Quote from: Donna Elvira on June 01, 2013, 05:15:56 PMAnyway,I suggest you play it by ear. Things are rarely as bad as we fear and maybe you will have a pleasant surprise at you next appointment.
I so hope so! Trying to stay calm for it... I know I will make it at the end of the day! Luckily my mom and dad are being supportive about driving me to this new hospital so that I can continue everything, so that's not so bad! Hopefully they'll be as supportive about my transition, we don't speak about it that much but they know what's going on... at least my mom does... :-\
Thank you so much for your support Donna, and since we both spoke of the "system" in our European countries, I thought maybe I should share this site with any other Europeans who may be reading this and interested...
http://www.tgeu.org/ (http://www.tgeu.org/)
It's useful for keeping up to date with the evolution of our laws here in Europe!
Hi again Mermaid,
One last reaction for this evening, it's about being patient. I'm 55 and only really started my transition 5 years ago. In spite of that, at your age I could have said almost all of things you wrote in your first post. The closest I had to a Euraka moment regarding my feelings at the time was in 1974 when I was 17. I read an article in a newspaper about the first English person to do sex change surgery and immediately felt terribly involved in the whole story, this in spite of never having seen anything on such a subject beforehand. However, despite my very strong identification with all things feminine, I was also more attracted to girls than to boys and I guess that is one of the main reasons why I was able to push back the inevitable for so long.
I would hope you will be able to sort things out a lot faster than I have been able to do as even now, I am having to be far more patient than I would like. However, I would suggest that if you already get beyond the hurdle of self doubt about your inner identity, you will be in a much better place. Inner certainty brings its own peace and once you have it, the rest is mostly a question of perseverance, especially today when things are dramatically more open than they were 10, 20, 30... years ago.
If you have no other alternative, maybe you will have to wait a little while to start your HRT but, compared to many of us, you have a huge amount of time in front of you to design and live the life you want.
You will see that there are quite a lot of people here in situations similar to your own with whom you can share and you seem to be already in a pretty good place regarding parental support. So, while it's frustrating without doubt, it could also be a lot worse and following Theo's advice will probably take you through your next appointment without too much difficulty.
Wishing you all the best.
Donna
You're right. Things could definitly be worse but it's hard to see anything positive when one's under a lot of stress and depressed :-\
I'll try to be patient. I could barely sleep last night, my head wouldn't stop and there's just so much negativism in me after this last appointment... reading yours and others' words here really helps =(
Thank you for all the kind words Donna, and the shared wisdom =)
Wish you all the best too, judging by your picture your transition's been very successful!
Quote from: Mermaid on June 02, 2013, 11:31:22 AM
You're right. Things could definitly be worse but it's hard to see anything positive when one's under a lot of stress and depressed :-\
Absolutely true and that's why I chose " That which does not kill us makes us stronger" as a motto. Over the years there have been some very difficult moments but the fact is, if you come through standing, these are the moments which help you to grow as a person and to push back your limits.
Having people you can turn to helps a lot and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your mother. You can obviously continue here as a visitor too but by becoming a member you would quickly gain access to far more stuff than you can probably already see. Most of all, you would learn that you are far from alone with the sort of issues you are facing and that in itself can help a lot.
Regarding my transition, I can at last live comfortably as a woman in society, yes, but my employer, who is aware of my situation, is still not sure that I can transition successfully while continuing to hold my present, high visibility position, in the company.
I hope to get that sorted out before the end of the year, notably by feminizing my face just a little bit more, just enough to insure that it becomes pretty well impossible to continue with the pretence that I am just a rather feminine looking guy.
I'll be 56 by then and while I could regret all the "wasted years", I prefer to think isn't it just great to have been able to come so far, finally doing something that was almost totally impossible when I was your age!
To finish, you should always expect to have setbacks in life but that's all they are, setbacks. Along as you are alive there are always possibilities and solutions. When I'm feeling down, I nearly always get out of it quickly by looking for wriggle room, some little thing I can do to insure that I am never left with the feeling of helplessness that brings on depression. Not always easy I can assure you but it works most of the time.
Take care.
Donna.
P.S. I have a bit of a soft spot for Portugal, a country with a most extraordinary history and really nice people.
You have a very positive outlook on things, Donna, and seem to have experience in coping with the so "setbacks" you've mentioned, I hope I grow to be as positive at that and learn to have a similar mindset overtime.
That situation with your boss and company is a bummer though... sad that in this day and age people still have to face repercussions for being "different" or making choices that don't fit in with the norm... =/
Quote from: Donna Elvira on June 02, 2013, 04:20:43 PM
P.S. I have a bit of a soft spot for Portugal, a country with a most extraordinary history and really nice people.
Aww :3 I like Portugal too, sometimes! Sad about the unemployment issues we have going on =(
Anyway, I had a talk with my mother last night, we're really close and were spending time together... we got to talking about my situation, which I was needing to talk about with someone and well, she's understanding and says she just wants me to be what I am and be happy, says she'll support me and all that, but, then we got to talking about clothes and suddenly she made a remark about skirts, sort of like questioning whether I'd wear one or if I like them, then my reply was something along the lines of "yeah, don't women wear them? If I transitioned, why shouldn't I?" and basically I felt that was like a slap to her, she started crying later and got fixated on the clothing aspect, saying it's very hard for a mom to hear such things... I felt very bad... she then said that there's ways and ways of telling her things and that I could "ease her in" as opposed to "saying everything right away", but the topic we were talking about when I said that was clothes and how they frustrated me, basically it was her asking... I didn't know what to say, other than the truth.
Basically, when she first learned of my identification as transexual, she was a bit overwhelmed. She didn't scream or say anything mean, I could even say that she was understanding but things sort of got swept under the carpet and we didn't speak of it again...
Anyway, my mom has problems of her own and I don't want to throw mine on top of those, she's immensely frustrated for a variety of reasons and is also in depression, but there's only so much I can keep to myself and logically something like this affects her... last year when I became more serious about transitioning she started by handling it kind of well and being, well, supportive... to an extent... then one night she took sleeping pills and basically got drunk, then started a scandal at 4 AM, yelling and saying she rather I died than did this, calling me names and asking me to kill myself... I have no doubt that some neighbours could hear it... I hadn't talked of anything with my dad at the time and he had to interveene, trying to calm her down while she insulted me... I was so embarassed that he was hearing those things... Anyway, this is an episode that sort of repeated itself, on and off... every other month... Honestly these things have happened with her for years, for a variety of reasons, she always had this reckless behaviour when her depression gets the best of her, but I was never the one she turned against, she usually argued with my dad, now I was a target too...
After these crisis' that she had, she went back and forth with me on "do you want to live as a woman?" and logically I became cautious in my responses, I tried to make things seem as if I just wanted HRT to help maintain a feminine appearence, rather than to socially transition to live as the other sex... She didn't understand it but comments from other peers like my grandma, alerting her that I must be depressed and things of the sort made her more sensible and acceptant of HRT, to the point where she told me "take what you want and do what you want with your body, as long as it helps you get out of this situation, I cry because I don't know how to help you". After that we had no more problems, she became half-acceptant, I think. Lately we've been really close (I've also been very well with my dad), and more open to talk about things... we refer to transition as "fixing my life" or "resolving my issues"; we don't really use the word "transexual". And honestly the things she's said lately like "you can be whoever you are" or "you can do what makes you happy" have made me more open to speaking with her again about things. Last night was one of those moments, I answered everything properly but when it got to her questions about clothes and the skirt thing... she couldn't deal with it. She didn't make a scandal and didn't move away from me either, we stayed together and I fell asleep next to her, but today she's been acting weird... she isn't rude but ever since that thing it's like she's distant or disturbed, I don't know... am I being too hard on her? Is there any way I can make her understand things? Do you think there's any way of her ever coming around to accepting things? I love my family so much...
Also, not sure if it's pertinent or relevant but... after these talks with her or after an appointment where my issues are assessed, I always feel less dysphoric/frustrated and go through a phase of "what I'm doing is crazy" and it really hits me, the seriousness of what I'm planning and how they'll impact me and those around me and just how it won't all be a bed of roses and I get scared and start to doubt my feelings... is this normal? Then generally something will trigger dysphoria again, something as mundane as a comment I hear or read, an item of clothing, etc. and it'll be like I'm spiralling down again, getting more and more frustrated, more uncomfortable, more depressed until I reach a point where I feel like I -must- absolutely transition, and then I'm sure that it's the best option for me... but when things start to feel more real, I get overwhelmed or I don't know... just sometimes leave my appointments feeling like "wow, is this really going to work" and I'll be alright for the next couple of days, then I start to crave the next appointment and things moving forward again... on the other hand though, since the last appointment didn't go as well as I planned, instead of making me feel more rational and realise how crazy everything is, it made me feel angry and even more desperate about transition and terribly scared that they're holding me back... It really makes me wonder, what my problem is exactly =(
Sorry I wrote so much again lol, hope nobody minds I use this thread to vent...