When I told my sister. It went less then good. She told me. She does not accept me. She hates what I have become. And she thinks I'm going to rot in hell. She also told me that my parents won't accept me. My brother is going to kick my ass. And that this is just a phase and that I better get out of it or I will die by a abusive racist. And while she was saying all these hateful things I was crying. And she did nothing but keep her distance and basically treated me like I was nothing and a freak. But you know what. Though I hate the way she is I love what she could be and what she is. Even though she will never love me. I guess I should accept my family. Will not love me any more.
Please please, I really need it. Please send your love.
Jackie
P.S. She told me that if I did not tell my parents that she would. Now I'm scared to the point of being sick and really need someone to hold me but instead I'm being pushed away.
Dear girl, It is shamful how sometimes the people that least understand is family. Your sister really needs to study the facts (but that sounds like it's never happen). Not everyone will be as she is. Sometimes family will surprise you, sometimes not.
I wish you all the best
Beni
Calm down and chilax. the world is not over by any stretch of anyone's imagination. So your sister flipped, so what? let her do all the stressing and you enjoy the peacefulness of not having to worry about what her reaction would be any longer. Yes, it would be great if the world was perfect and every time we came out to people they would get all doe-eyed and tell us how proud they are. That does happen sometimes but this is reality and there are people that are not going to agree with your choices on how want to live your life. Key words there, YOUR LIFE.
I heard a speech very similar to the one your sister gave you. So far, none of that crap has happened at all. I actually get more accolades and respect from people for coming out and just being me. Criticism is always going to come throughout life for all kinds of stuff. If it is just abusive non-constructive in nature then just let it go and move on. If you let everyone who puts you down get to you, life is going to be hard and stressful.
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. get yourself together and get ready to take on whatever comes at you next. You have way too much in your future to worry about trivial stuff in your past. Life is all about mind over matter. If you don't mind then it doesn't matter. ;)
Oh, Jackie!
That's just not fair. And now it's too late to un-tell your sister. :(
Since I don't have a time machine, I don't have any good advice. But I might suggest that you just not talk to her about it. If she brings it up, tell her you are still considering your options. But do know that we are with you.
BTW, your new pic looks great.
Sending hugs your way....
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Hey Jackie,
I'd like to tell you not to worry so much about what your sister thinks but I also know its hard not to. Who knows, maybe she'll come to understand, and possibly the rest of your family won't be so harsh. Your sister will always love you and with a little research I bet she'll come to respect you again. Those ignorant of the truth behind this most likely view it as some sexual perversion. What could be farther from the truth? After all you didn't choose this any more than Quasimodo chose to be a hunchback. Hopefully your sister and the rest of your family will eventually come to understand that. Until then and even after, we'll be with you.
~Mattie
Hey Jackie,
Stay strong, you have support. If your sister doesn't accept you, then that's going to be her loss. You chose to open yourself up, to let her inside to see the real you, and she showed you how she felt. That's too bad, but that doesn't change who you are or how you feel. One thing people, especially family, don't realize is that you never chose this. It wasn't like you were saying to yourself last week "hmm, this is a new feeling, maybe it would be fun to be a girl. I should tell everyone how I feel and see what happens." Obviously you wouldn't be wanting to tell people if you didn't have these strong feelings. Just keep it all in perspective Jackie. It's your life, your world. The people around you are in YOUR world and as much as you love them, love is a two way street. If they can't love Jackie and who she is, then that's their loss. I know, easier said than done, but that's kind of the frame of mind that will help you I think. Just know you have a whole family of people here that support you and understand what you going through. Take care, Meghan
Hi Jackie,
I'm very sorry to hear that your sister does not understand. The best thing you could do at this point is to stay strong and confident in yourself. The more confidence you have in yourself and you portray to the world, the easier it [usually] is for other people to come around and accept this. Hang in there and don't stress yourself out about what the rest of your family will think until you acually tell them. No good comes from getting down on yourself about something that may turn out completely different.
I would also suggest you politely recommend some reading material to your sister to educate her more on the issue of being TS and the fact that it is definately not a phase, and most importantly not something that you have a choice about.
Hang in there :icon_hug: We'll always be here!
Sarah
Dear Jackie,
You look great and it takes a lot of courage to share this stuff with someone you trust.
If you have a good relationship with your sister she might mellow given some time. Do not argue with her regarding this topic. This stuff is not easy to understand.
I am sorry you do not have someone that can hold you while you cry. Moms tend to be more understanding than dads; however you need to know your parents. Maybe you can ask your mom if you can talk to her in private. Then ask her if she would love you if you where "different". (She should say yes.) Then ask her if she would keep a secret from dad. (She should say yes again but she will most likely tell dad anyway.) Then you might ask her if she knows that you like some things that are "different". (She most likely will say she knows and then ask you to explain.) Tell your mom you really need her to hug you and you want to grow your hair longer. ...That probably is enough information for the first round! Most likely your mom will listen to you. However the reactions from people you trust are totally across the board if you discuss the stuff on this forum.
Also once this stuff is out you can not stick in back into the container.
I am sorry you have been hurt by a close relative.
W
I'm sorry that went badly Jackie. Hopefully your parents will be different. You can't necessarily judge what they'll do from what your sister did. It would've been nice if she'd been supportive for you for the next stage.
She also may change. People do.
Dennis
That is a shame that your sister has to be so close minded. Maybe she will come around someday.
ok time for my follow up. To start off i deeply love you all. and am thankful that you took the time to show you care. Your words realy ment a lot and will help me in the difficult time of telling my parents.And i am a realy religious person. So i would like to request none to doubt that faith i am about to show.
After i told my sister i quikly left. I found my first freind who was close enough to hangout wit. It ends up the him and another freind of mine where going to gt tatoos. So i went with them. We talked and btw i was suppose to have work on that day but for some mysterious reason they did not need me. Supriseingly my dad let me leave. And my sister did not try and stop me. While i was walking down the road i prayed.
"God i dont have any proof its not a sin. And i can understand where she thinks it is. For i want to be a lesbian women. And it douse say that homosexuality is a sin in the bible. Now i think you ment homosexual lust. Not homosexual love was a sin. Again i have no proof. But the thing is im realy scared and dont know what to do. I know it is not a sin. Why would you find it wrong for me to embrace my spirit. To shed earthly possesion. And to search deeper. and care more bout the spirit. I realy need to know you love me. And do not hate me for what i am. I am scared."
As i met with Brian (my freind i was talking about) He cheered me up quik. Thn we met with my secound freind Nishat. Who was getting a tatoo that read "look to the stars". she then explained to me the deeper meaning
"you see we live in Nederland A city inside a sate, that is inside a county, that is inside a state, that is inside a country, that is inside a planet, that is inside a universe that is inside a galaxy, that is inside a universe, that is inside something else. (in therory) For use to be that insignificant in the monstrosity that is this exi whatever being is out there to still show that much care for every last living indivisual. How can we be so stupid as to worry bout the diffrences that are own people have in this city the very in of that stagering list. I mean when we find what is out there where going to realy see some diffrence. And only thouse that can will be able to see something that is literly out of this world."
now that is why she was getting her tatoo. Wich she was planning to get way before i told her i was tran. But it just so happen that she chose the day needed religious gudance. (and praid for it too) God had answered me that day. And she told me that everything was going to be all right. And that she loved me inspite of me being diffrent. And because of that I am not afraid any more.
Jackie
Gal 3:28 - There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.
The only verse this atheist ->-bleeped-<- knows by heart. lol
This is the hardest thing you will ever do.
My brother was pretty accepting of this. But my mother and father have basically turned their back on me.
I have not talked to any of them recently and I do not plan to. They do not want me calling, and all I hear from them is that I am ruining my life (and to be honest that is the best thing I have heard from them). If I go out I am putting my life at risk. Every bigoted thing I have heard, I have heard so far from my parents. They are not even religous. They were accepting when I first came out to them, but things got worse and worse, to the point that they said this was wrong and that I was ruining my life, and that society will never accept me. I could go on and on.
But I kept this secret for two long, even when I was caught at 17 and 21 with womens clothing, I made excuses out of fear. I knew how they would react. I lived in fear and confusion, with anxiety and depression issues. But I also was smart enough to plan my life for the possibility of transitioning, even though these fears were there. Staying in school until I got my law degree, focusing on work that would lead me to an idealistic situation to transition.
The truth is nothing that my family has said has happened. They said it would ruin my social life. I have not lost a single friend that I have come out to, some friendships grew. They said it would ruin my career, my employer knows my plans and I do plan on staying here, and they plan on keeping me. They said I would be in danger going out in public. I have yet to run into any violence. Basically nothing they have said has come true. They however have displayed a significant level of bigotry, well beyond what even I was expecting.
Remember you are brave, but what you are doing comes with risk. If you are doing this, it is something that is a must, not a maybe. You still live with your family and are young, so whatever you do could have extremely negative consequences. My transman friend was kicked out when he came out. He did not talk to has parents for two years. This is your risk. Make sure you have some support outside of your family in case this happens. You have to be more careful so you do not end up on the streets, but rather with friends.
To me the break with my family was no big deal. I am closer to my friends and I have been since I was 15. I am 28 and I live on my own in DC. But it took an incredible amount of career and educational planning to get to the point in my life where I could transition, where I had no fear of coming out to my family because coming out came with no real risk other than them not talking to me anymore. I have my own life, and they had no hand in it.
The fear of family rejection and facing ones family is the hardest part. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your family. Coming out is very tough and what will happen is unpredictible. Just make sure you have a friends number available, a place you can stay if things take a turn for the worst.
I'm sorry your sister doesn't understand. I hope your mom will if and when she finds out. I also hope your dad and brother understand too. Only other words I have for you Jackie is keep your chin up. Do what you feel is right and will make you happy. You have some good friends right there. I hope they stick by like a friend should.
Well my mother told me she hates it, and that if she told my dad it would kill him; that that I am wrong. She does not accept me and she told me I will not do that in her house, so I have to run. Somehow I have to run from this house. I have to get out and find some where to live. I don't know how or where, but I gotta get out of here. My choices are this: be shackled and stay living here, or be free and on my own. I'm really scared and am probably going to take the second option. I'm a proud woman and no one can or will change that. I won't allow them to.
Jackie,
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Oh no. I'm so sorry.
:'( :'(
:eusa_pray:
Jillieann
Jackie,
I know you feel you have to leave, but please dear, be smart about it. You know what your feelings are and you are following them. But plan your life, don't let it lead you. Make sure that you'll have a way to get an advanced education. Don't do anything that will sacrifice that. You won't get a good job to pay for your transition unless you have proper training.
I'm sorry that your family is not accepting. Many of us have faced the same crap and have found constructive ways to move on. However, I personally have known several who have not planned and have ended up on the street with nothing. I had friends who turned to prostitution and died with AIDS.
This is why I am writing this. It happens so easily. You don't know how easy it is to fall into this trap, especially when you are young and can not support yourself. Be careful, please.
Cindi
Jackie, although it may be difficult, I would advise you to hold off on getting out of there if you don't have the means to support yourself. That will only serve to push you further from your goal. I am very sorry to hear that your family is so close minded that they do not accept their own child/sibling. It's sad that parents have "conditions" and "terms" that you must qualify for to be their child. In any case, just please make sure you don't make any rash decisions before thinking about the future and consequences of those actions.
You know you always have a place to talk to people who DO care about you and accept you for who you are here. Hang in there :icon_hug:
Sarah
your all right and i was not planning on running away. I was more planning to find a apartment with my dear freind sarah(shirley)shell be getting a job at wal-mart and i make 226 that will give use enough to go halfs on a good apartment right?
That's a plan, but probably a very very short term one.
I don't know if you every planned on going to college or university,
if not, then I suppose this plan is as good as the next one.
But, if you did before, it could be a lot harder on your own.
Anyway, if it is going to be a living hell at home, that's something else I suppose; but living on subsiistence wages (Wallmart is that kind) is a hard slog for anyone, for a transitioning TS, even harder.
I'm sorry if I'm all doom and gloom; maybe its all good, since I don't know your exact situation, I can't know for sure.
Quote from: Jake_to_Jackie on June 07, 2007, 01:33:43 AM
your all right and i was not planning on running away. I was more planning to find a apartment with my dear freind sarah(shirley)shell be getting a job at wal-mart and i make 226 that will give use enough to go halfs on a good apartment right?
I would not plan on getting a job at Wal-Mart. There are better places you can work.
I have to agree with Cindi. Try to find a way to get into college. If you are in school do not drop out.
Transitioning on wal-mart wages is not a way to live, and honestly they are the LAST retailer you should work for if you are transitioning.
http://walmartwatch.com/blog/archives/falling_behind_the_curve_partnership_benefits_non_discrimination_policies_a/
and
http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Search_the_Database&Template=/CustomSource/WorkNet/srch_dtl.cfm&srchtype=QS&searchid=1&orgid=1192
Be smart about this. A college education makes a bigger difference in the life of a trans person than anybody else. Transition is expensive, and being rash about this aspect of your life is unwise.
Wal-Mart is BELOW subsistence wages. Paying for rent and food will seem impossible. It is not enough to live on, nonetheless transition on. Transitioning is an expensive process. Wal-Mart's healthcare benefits are also terrible and they do not cover transition costs. If you need to work retail I suggest your best bet is best buy or walgreens, their health care covers everything but surgery, which will help you with costs when the time is right to start. They are also both trans friendly retailers, which means non-discrimination policies.
http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Search_the_Database&Template=/CustomSource/WorkNet/srch_dtl.cfm&srchtype=QS&searchid=1&orgid=14335
http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Search_the_Database&Template=/CustomSource/WorkNet/srch_dtl.cfm&srchtype=QS&searchid=1&orgid=989
You are doing this young, and you are risking quite a bit by doing this young. Your best bet is to take out some educational loans and go to college and work part time. You can get therapy through a college that is very inexpensive. Being a trans student has advantages. The medical and therapy issues will be easier to deal with and college campuses are ideal places to transition.
This is going to be very hard! As Cindi said, be smart.
You do not have to overplan (as I did), but you need to plan.
As it was stated you are at risk right now. Be careful as you may be pushing yourself further from your goal as Sarah suggested, being rash is unwise. Everybody in the trans community knows the risks presented to those who transition young without a college education.
I hope for the best. But now is the time to plan. It will be a difficult stretch for awhile. Do not fall into the abyss.
You are very brave. When I was your age I was very scared. I hope the best for you.
I know how you are feeling now. I know the anger, the bitterness, the depression, everything.
But do not let that force you to make poor decisions.
I have a happy ending to my friend who is a transman. While his parents still do not "get" the trans thing, they welcomed him back into the house and he is going to college to be a clinical social worker (a therapist). He is working for UPS and will be starting HRT soon. There is still hope. It may not be perfect situation in the future, but any situation is better than living on the streets and turning to prostitution.
My heart is with you. Be smart, be strong, be brave.
My parents just recently found out, and they strongly hate my decision...And I don't even like it here anymore..So I am just about in the same boat as you...All they do is stress me about college and now this...
Quote from: Jake_to_Jackie on June 07, 2007, 01:33:43 AM
your all right and i was not planning on running away. I was more planning to find a apartment with my dear freind sarah(shirley)shell be getting a job at wal-mart and i make 226 that will give use enough to go halfs on a good apartment right?
Jackie,
Please do think long term. No it is probably not enough, when you consider everything like a car, insurance, and all sorts of other expenses. Plus what about your plans for LU? You've just gotta get that sheepskin to have a chance to live the life you ultimately want to live. Your zest is fun, but don't let it carry you away, little sis. Put on your wig and think! And let me know if you need me.
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I have to laugh at how everyone suddenly goes into "Mommy" mode with the younger posters. lol
Being a teenager is hard enough and when they don't get their own way they tend to freak out and overreact just a tad. I am also sure that parents in these situations are pulling the "my house. my rules" thing. Teens without any real world experience need to understand the harshness of the real world but the only way to do that is to go out and go through it.
Adults need to understand that just because someone is young that they don't know what they are doing. The thing about teens is everything is driven my emotion and not logic for the most part. Teens should learn how to discuss things without getting emotionally over-dramatic. Adults should be more open to allowing teens to do what they feel is best for them instead of trying to push them into a particular mold they aren't ready for.
Jackie,
It is in the realm of possibilities that you told your sister and your sister told your mom and your mom told your dad before you had a chance to tell your mom. Everyone has to act surprised otherwise you would know that each person shared your secret.
Moms tend to have unconditional love for their children. They will try to protect you. They do not want you to get hurt.
I happen to believe we can pray for guidance or wisdom or maybe just find someone we can trust and help us along the way.
Do give your mom more than a few days. Do tell your mom you love her and then expect no comment in return. Do consider going to college or a trade school.
I am sorry your mom lashed out at you and I pray that your family loves, helps and accepts you.
W
I don't think we are being overly mommy Renae, we can only go by what was said; and the consequences of leaving home and not getting a proper education are very real indeed these days for anybody and certainly for a TS. There are too many examples of this having had not so good result for TS's in general to not giving a warning. I think, not speaking out about it would be irresponsible; It is better in this case to overstate than to understate.
When somebody is emotional, and a teen, they often want guidance so much to sort out their inner turmoil; mentors at that age are something I wish I had.
Since, we are not there, we cannot be a surrogate parent or even mentors, but we can do our best to provide a calming voice that offers other options to a current crisis.
No I don't believe we're being overly "mommy" either, though I agree with much of what you said. I happen to know that Jackie comes from a wonderful home with a mother who loves her very much. And she is really nice in person. I wish her the best.
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I wasn't saying that what was offered for advice was wrong or misleading. I was making an observation of how those of us in the older folks category instantly assume we know what is best for the younger folks. It has nothing to do with being TS or otherwise. It is a generational thing. I saw it happen in the Marine Corps all of the time. My grandmother still does it to me. It is just the way it happens. We get the experience and we have been there and done that so we want the best for the younger folks. But no matter how much we try to guide them into a certain direction, they still have the option to agree or disagree.
It is this point of disagreement (being TG, curfew, friends, music, clothes, etc) that spirals out of control because neither side will take the time to understand the point of view of the one another. the point what I was trying to make was that kids (22 and younger) shouldn't be pushed into things they may not want to do. Offering them options and providing the benefits of one over another is where it should stop.
Telling kids "You have to..." or "You will, because ... " gives them no options and just makes them feel trapped. No matter how good the intentions are, the way something is said may overshadow what is actually being said. Kids do need guidance and nurturing but they also need the ability to make choices so that they are given the opportunity to learn from mistakes they might make.
:)
Quote from: Renae Lupini on June 07, 2007, 11:21:39 AM
It is this point of disagreement (being TG, curfew, friends, music, clothes, etc) that spirals out of control because neither side will take the time to understand the point of view of the one another. the point what I was trying to make was that kids (22 and younger) shouldn't be pushed into things they may not want to do. Offering them options and providing the benefits of one over another is where it should stop.
Telling kids "You have to..." or "You will, because ... " gives them no options and just makes them feel trapped. No matter how good the intentions are, the way something is said may overshadow what is actually being said. Kids do need guidance and nurturing but they also need the ability to make choices so that they are given the opportunity to learn from mistakes they might make.
Sometimes we do not get a second chance to learn from our mistakes. I personally know more than one teenager that lost their life while drinking and driving. I also know of innocent teenagers that were killed while they were sober by other people that were drinking. Many parents made lots and lots of mistakes and only want their children not to get hurt. Proper communication is difficult when emotions get involved. However it is good to cool off and then give each party another chance. Sit tight, cool off and give people that you love a second chance. Parents make mistakes too.
W
I second Wendy's advice of giving the parent's a bit of time.
My mother actually said she'd prefer I'd be suicidal than a TS!!!!!!!
That's a bit worse than what was said in your case, hey!!
She was very aggressive with me then.
Well, very quickly she turned around after a period of high aggressivity
and now she's the most supportive mom on earth (at least that's how I see her :-).
While most mistakes can be easily fixed, some are worse than others in their possible consequences (driving drunk is amongst the worse one); those consequences sometimes cannot be fixed easily or at all. These are the ones were cautionary tales can be usefull; but they have limits since teens think that they are different from all that came before (later, we learn that it is not the case).
It is true that young people have to live thier own life.
But there is also the truth about young transitioners. Many turn to prostitution, many run away, many die young.
Yes young people can make thier own decisions and thier own mistakes. But as a community it is a damn good idea that those of us who are older offer advice and support. I know pretty well how the rest of the LGBT community works, the support systems in place, the ideas that are spread. You know how that community grew up, and gained more influence: they went to college. The college education rates amoung gays are significantly higher then the rest of the population.
Its tough being trans, there is no question about it. But we need to reinforce some ideas in the community so kids stop falling through the cracks when they have to leave. I have seen the safety net of the lesbian and gay communities. How there is an informal network of halfway houses accross the country for kids to escape too. We are just begining to form these networks. But above all else we need to enforce the message that the gay community has done a wonderful job in communicating: being queer is much easier with a college education.
This is even more true for those of us who are trans.
This is not a been there done that mentality. This is a mentality of we need to stop the cycle of poverty and degradation that happens to young transitioners, and here is a way to do it.
We need to create support systems, but also a clear dialog and message, that there is a better way, that transitioning young does not have to mean a life of degradation, poverty and prostitution. That education is worth it, and maybe your best option to transition.
Going to college if you get kicked out is not motherly advice, it is common sense that the rest of the queer community caught onto years ago. It is about time we spell out this advice to young transitioners: the best place to transition is not on the streets, but on a college campus.
I think going to college is really a HAVE TO as it stands for younger transitioners until American society grows up. As sad as this sounds, there really is no other option. Because the other options are so bad, they often result in a life of disease, degradation, poverty, and prostitution. I think all images of trans people we would like to shed as a community. I would like the image of a young transitioner to be somebody who gets through college and gets to live a full life as thier target gender.
The truth is the burden is on US as well. It is time we start putting forth the support systems, be it financially through funding scholarships, or through other methods. As it stands this may be the biggest failure of deep stealth. Once somebody who is in a position of financial advantage transitions, they fail to support the community in any other way. The truth is this is a community that is in DESPERATE need of the comprehensive support system the gay and lesbian community has created for itself. This is where I am going to say that there is a failure of responsibility. All the trans community often has is each other, every one of us has a responsibility to help in the ways we can. But the truth is that rarely happens. If you are deep stealth, and can afford to give to a trans shelter or scholarship...let that be the way you help. I could go on, but there is a failure of community with transsexuals. We need to offer a better support system and safety net. And once we transition, we still need to contribute, in fact I think those that can and have transition successfully have a responsibility to contribute in some way to the community (either through volunteering time, services or money). It does not have to be at the sacrafice of abandoning stealth, but it still needs to happen. We need to stop young transitioners from turning to the streets.
I could go on, but the truth is, as it stands. We do have a responsibility to offer advice to Jackie, so she does not fall into the common traps of a young transitioner. We have a responsibility to help. Advice is all we have. The best advice is for her to go to college. Because the truth is, at this moment in time, we may be the closest thing to family she has and that is the best advice we can offer.
ok dangerous things are happening. First off they think im a freak. And that my desiosion will ruin this family. I dont know my self and. I am only doing this because A: my freinds are pushing me into doing it and be i saw it on TV??? i am very very scared they are telling me i hav to go to a shrink. Snd telling me i have to throw away all my clouthes and my wig(sorry kristi) and that i am unable to do this ever again as long as i am under there roof. THat what i am doing is the equevelent to being adiccted to drugs. And that I am unable to hang out with all my gay and lesbian freinds(this includes my ister like freind sarah) And the one thing they told me that i could not exoplain to them was they asked"why do you feel you have to dressup in dresses. I mean you can have women like features but the only reason you would dressup is just for attention to get attention from people good or bad" and i did not know how to explain it please someone help me to know how to explain this
your panicking sister...who there is a chance will be unable to be your siser soon :(
Jackie
Believe it or not going to the psychiatrist can be helpful. It may be the one person who will listen to you, and your parents will listen to.
I would say take up any offer to see a therapist. It could be the best way to resolve this peacefully.
Ok. What you need to do is print out some information about transsexualism and give it to them. If they refuse to read it continue to present it to them until they do. Stay strong and firm in your decision and yourself and don't let them break you down. You're past the point of reconning with them and need to take a firm stand for your position so that they can see your not delusional or doing this for attention or any other BS like that. If they are able to read about it and see that it's an actual medically proven condition that is not a choice then maybe they will come around. I so wish I could be there and support you and smack some sense into your family. It makes me so mad when I see parents, or anyone for that matter, treat people who are different than them like this.
Also, refute their arguments. Ask them how this will "ruin the family." Ask them to explain why you would hide this from them, society, and yourself for so long if it was just something you're doing for attention. Just make sure to portray confidence in yourself and who you are so they don't take advantage of your "weakness" of not being able to stand up for what you feel.
I am so sad for you right now and I hope your family will be able to get past their bigotry. If you need anything feel free to contact me and let me know.
:( Sarah
Quote from: Amy T. on June 08, 2007, 12:28:25 AM
Believe it or not going to the psychiatrist can be helpful. It may be the one person who will listen to you, and your parents will listen to.
I would say take up any offer to see a therapist. It could be the best way to resolve this peacefully.
I agree, but make sure that the person is qualified to handle TS and is not there just to try and convince you otherwise.
Hey Jackie, I definitely agree with what Sarah said about 1) not just leaving quickly and making a rash decision and 2) getting a gender therapist vs. just a regular therapist with no experience in gender at all. I also think sitting down and having level-headed conversations with each parent separately might help. Maybe Mom is a little supportive until Dad get into her head or vice versa. They may have decided "together" to put up this united front together. They need to understand 1) this isn't you trying to get attention and 2) this isn't going to go away. The results of them pushing you away will do more to "ruin the family" than you staying and working things out. They don't need to like it or even understand it, but you are there child and a child needs love and support. They should see the pain you are in and let that drive them.
Then again, I'm telling you all of this and I haven't even told my parents yet, that's next week. So, be strong Jackie, don't just storm out of the house with no roof over your head. Your gender issues aren't going anywhere sweetie, you can work them out with time a lot better with a roof over your head than not. I know it's tough, but hang in there! Meghan
Maybe she thinks were all freeks or something.
Its a common misconception, pointing her towards the web site of successfull TS women, there is even a list with photos of them, on one of the sites, could help.
If you parents love you, and I believe they do, there is a good chance they'll turn around, or at least take your feelings into consideration and reluctantly support you.
Trust me, some people keep with the misconceptions.
But a good gender therapist can smooth things over with your family. Family sessions are a clear option for you.
A good therapist in general who does not discount TS can help as well.
thanks and yea o guess it wold only help to speak with a professional. And i am only hieing this till my grand parents pass on then i am free i guess it would be respectful to them to let them believe what they want to believe. And by the way im not hiding it from my friends. And im not hiding it from you guys i will post on the fourm and tell you every thing just as normal.
love your proud sister
Jackie
Jackie,
So sorry things did not go well in your talk with your mom and dad. I know you are devastated right now. Do realize that your parents' dreams, their plans for you, their preconceived notions, have all just gone out the window. Of course they will act out. It is a big loss to them and they will fight to hold on. Grief does that in the beginning. What happens after that is still up in the air, but will depend at least partly on you. I am so glad you have friends who do accept you, both online and in person. I hope you can arrange to donate your beautiful new things to someone rather than trashing them. But either way, it is time for a counselor. I think you'll probably have to go to the nearest big city to find one who does gender counseling, though. Please let me hear from you soon.
Peace,
Kristi
Dear Jackie,
I am so sorry that your parents are resorting to we rule in this house and you live by our rules.
Insist on going only to a gender specialist. Try to get some references on the gender specialist. If you do not feel comfortable with your gender specialist get another. Your goal will be to learn about yourself. You have an opportunity to feel comfortable with yourself.
You were brave to tell your parents! I expect your mom will give you mixed signals but she loves you! Try not to argue with her and tell her you love her.
It's very hard not to have parrents that are a bit more open. Now me I would leave a few pages of transexual information liying around or perhaps mixed in here or there, say in a cabinet, etc. or email your parents information. and continue to do it say till I was 18.
A therapist may be just the thing that you need for he or she will talk to your parents too. Just make sure it's a real therapist and not a pastor, or other man/woman of the cloth, who has preconseved ideas on exactly who you are. The good news is your only a teen for a while, though it seems longer. At least You did not wait to age 50 to figure out why you felt different all those years. Ok I knew at your age too, but back then there was very little information about transexuals where I was growing up.
Take care, for we understand all so well what's it's like to have a body that does not match the soul inside.
Beni
Quote from: Beni on June 09, 2007, 12:37:53 AM
A therapist may be just the thing that you need for he or she will talk to your parents too. Just make sure it's a real therapist and not a pastor, or other man/woman of the cloth, who has preconseved ideas on exactly who you are.
Beni
Jackie,
I disagree with this statement. I know of some pastors who would be wonderful to talk to, who would not judge you, and who have solid credentials. They are real therapists.
Kristi
It must depend on pastor's denomination. Some, you wouldn't trust to be able to handle the conflict of interest between their faith and the person in front of them; but, some denomination are much more progressive, or don't try to proselytise.
Anyway, if the parents send her to a therapist who's known to "fix" such problems, the results assuredly will be much worse than no therapist at all.
I won't jump the gun and assume the worse, but she must be on the lookout so as not to be trampled.
Quote from: Keira on June 09, 2007, 09:11:49 AM
It must depend on pastor's denomination. Some, you wouldn't trust to be able to handle the conflict of interest between their faith and the person in front of them; but, some denomination are much more progressive, or don't try to proselytise.
That it would. But do know that for some there is no conflict between their faith and the person. It's not about proselytizing. It's about compassion, and taking the teachings of Jesus very seriously.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
A presbyterian minister was one of the first therapist in the DC area to handle gender identity issues with respect. His name is Rusty Lynn. Not many people know this, but he is well known.
Some people who are deeply religious, but are having conflicts with thier faith and gender identity go to see him. He treats TS with respect and does not try to "convert" them back by any means.
There are good therapists of faith, it is the fundimentalists, evangelicals, born agains, and right wingers you have to worry about. They call themselves Christian, but there is very little Christian about them. They just use religion as a cloak for thier bigotry.
Quote from: Amy T. on June 09, 2007, 02:59:03 PM
A presbyterian minister was one of the first therapist in the DC area to handle gender identity issues with respect. His name is Rusty Lynn. Not many people know this, but he is well known.
Some people who are deeply religious, but are having conflicts with thier faith and gender identity go to see him. He treats TS with respect and does not try to "convert" them back by any means.
There are good therapists of faith, it is the fundimentalists, evangelicals, born agains, and right wingers you have to worry about. They call themselves Christian, but there is very little Christian about them. They just use religion as a cloak for thier bigotry.
Yeah. Those are fun to play with. They take everything so seriously. And they completely ignore the actual meanings behind christianity.
I'm sorry I caught your announcement about telling your family a few days late. In your case, I would have suggested not telling your parents-- at least not until you've moved out and are on your own. You've said your family are Southern Baptist conservatives and this is a group that makes absolutely no place for sexual or gender diversity at all.
You need to counter the negativity at home with strong positives elsewhere in your life. You've got a good support system here, but it would be great to find some sort of TG support group or the like to go to now and then.
As for getting a job, I hope Wal-Mart's not the only big employer in town. Many large companies have instigated diversity policies that restrict them from discriminating against gender varied people. If you're near a big city, consider and entry level office job. These turn up with some frequency in most every big office building and they're often looking for eager young beginners for reception/mail/file/etc. work (check Monster.com, of course). The pay should be equal to retail, but you don't have to deal with "the public" and can often ascend to better paying jobs and even have training paid by the company.
Quote from: Beni on June 09, 2007, 12:37:53 AM
It's very hard not to have parrents that are a bit more open. Now me I would leave a few pages of transexual information liying around or perhaps mixed in here or there, say in a cabinet, etc. or email your parents information. and continue to do it say till I was 18.
A therapist may be just the thing that you need for he or she will talk to your parents too. Just make sure it's a real therapist and not a pastor, or other man/woman of the cloth, who has preconseved ideas on exactly who you are. The good news is your only a teen for a while, though it seems longer. At least You did not wait to age 50 to figure out why you felt different all those years. Ok I knew at your age too, but back then there was very little information about transexuals where I was growing up.
Take care, for we understand all so well what's it's like to have a body that does not match the soul inside.
Beni
first off i tried to offer proof and my dad said that all that is is a bunch of minoritys to the actual populus who made up thouse things to make them feel better. Then in the same sentence he turned around and said that even though the world excepts it douse not mean its right?
There not letting me go to a professional gender confusion psychologist how they worded it. "if your car busts you bring it to a mechanic and if it is something specific like the radiator's shot. THen you bring it to a raidiator specialist. WHere just going to hire a "normal" psychologist and if he said so then well go to some where else.
Well, that's stupid, but at least he recognizes that a specialist may have its place.
I do not want to try to give instructions or directions. I haven't been through what you, or the others here have been through/going through. I just want to offer what little support I can and say it's heartbreaking. Your sister went and told her before you got the chance to, right? I'm not a very good christian (or one at all, hey), it takes strong faith to love even those who betray you. It's funny how the true believers always end up victimized by those who tow the line and ignore the actual teachings. You've got a hell of a struggle ahead of you.
Here I go giving instructions anyway. Be calm, rational, and concise when you talk to the therapist. Presentation is everything. If he lacks the experience of dealing with TS, beg him with all due respect to transfer you to a specialist because of the severity of the situation with your family.
However... finding a specialist might be hard. I don't think this site has one listed except like 200 miles away from me. I doubt your parents will want to take you up to dallas or san antonio. but hopefully someone near you has experience dealing with it even if they aren't a specialist.
May God soften the hearts of your family. Sadly, I don't think they'd know it even if he spoke to them.
Jackie,
In the short run work with your parents. I am very aware of "dad's brain washing sessions" and your need to hide things. However after a while hiding things is very unhealthy for your mind.
Regular psychiatrists might not be trained in gender issues. But you might get lucky and get a psychiatrist that is at least sensitive to your gender concerns. Maybe your psychiatrist might even try to influence your dad to be more sensitive to your feelings and will side with you and recommend a gender specialist!
Give it a try! You have a lot of courage and I believe good things will work out for you.
Most regular psychologists, Social workers and psychiatrists still recognized GID. They just don't want to handle gender identity issues themselves.
I would say whoever you go to see bring a copy of the SoC with you.
They will still probably refer you to a specialist anyway.
Quote from: Amy T. on June 11, 2007, 01:38:31 AM
Most regular psychologists, Social workers and psychiatrists still recognized GID. They just don't want to handle gender identity issues themselves.
I would say whoever you go to see bring a copy of the SoC with you.
They will still probably refer you to a specialist anyway.
I'm not use to all the terminology yet. Whats SoC?
soc is standard of care
Ok, First let me extracate foot from mouth, Yes there are some pastor's, etc who are very open and respectful. I really did not mean to imply that there are not many fine people in all religons. Of course, I grew up in savannah ga, and there is not much acceptance there when I was growing up or even today.
Most psychologists, etc will at least reconize GID and there is a pretty good chance that given some time your parents will come around. They really do want you to be happy, it's just that sometimes their children fall a bit further outside the norm. I think it's a positive sign that your parrents are taking you to a therapist.
In case you have not found the SOC, here's a link
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~colem001/hbigda/hstndrd.htm
Good luck
Beni
Quote from: Beni on June 11, 2007, 10:40:03 PM
Ok, First let me extracate foot from mouth, Yes there are some pastor's, etc who are very open and respectful. I really did not mean to imply that there are not many fine people in all religons. Of course, I grew up in savannah ga, and there is not much acceptance there when I was growing up or even today.
Most psychologists, etc will at least reconize GID and there is a pretty good chance that given some time your parents will come around. They really do want you to be happy, it's just that sometimes their children fall a bit further outside the norm. I think it's a positive sign that your parrents are taking you to a therapist.
In case you have not found the SOC, here's a link
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~colem001/hbigda/hstndrd.htm
Good luck
Beni
Beni, that is a bad link to send her to. It is the HIGHLY flawed 5th edition of the SoC.
To find the current edition look here:
http://wpath.org/Documents2/socv6.pdf
DO NOT GO IN WITH THE SoC Beni POSTED! (No offense Beni, you should have made sure it was the 6th edition.)
It is an out of date edition that is VERY controversial and SHOULD not be used. There is the very controversial autogyphilia diagnosis in there which has since been discredited. Only go in with the sixth edition, it is the current guidelines.
I would read through the document as well if I were you, it gives you a good idea of the process.
WPATH is the international organization which gender identity specialist are organized under, at least in english speaking countries.
:eusa_clap: :icon_love: i love my brainy sissys :icon_love: ok i think i have seen a glimer oh hope to day me and my dad where haveing a conversation bout computers (just got a new laptop whoop whoop) and i missunderstood something he said and he replied with"no dollin what i ment was downloading a virus" i think my dad might have realised
Quote from: Amy T. on June 09, 2007, 02:59:03 PM
A presbyterian minister was one of the first therapist in the DC area to handle gender identity issues with respect. His name is Rusty Lynn. Not many people know this, but he is well known.
Some people who are deeply religious, but are having conflicts with thier faith and gender identity go to see him. He treats TS with respect and does not try to "convert" them back by any means.
I agree, I'm currently going to Rusty and like him a lot. He's gay and totally supportive of trans people in the best way. Another thing I like about him is: Other therapists charge an extra fee just to write a letter. Rusty wrote mine at no extra charge.
Rusty has a good reputation. I think you'll find most Presbyterian ministers good to go to.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Yeah, I'm in an interfaith group run by another Presby pastor who is an outspoken activist for LGBT equality. (Turns out he knows Rusty too.) It has been kind of liberating to find that a queer Pagan feminist like me can groove with a Southern male heterosexual Christian--who is a really cool person.
Taught me a lesson about prejudice: Don't.
Everyone is an individual.
Quote from: Jake_to_Jackie on June 06, 2007, 02:51:06 PM
ok time for my follow up. To start off i deeply love you all. and am thankful that you took the time to show you care. Your words realy ment a lot and will help me in the difficult time of telling my parents.And i am a realy religious person. So i would like to request none to doubt that faith i am about to show.
After i told my sister i quikly left. I found my first freind who was close enough to hangout wit. It ends up the him and another freind of mine where going to gt tatoos. So i went with them. We talked and btw i was suppose to have work on that day but for some mysterious reason they did not need me. Supriseingly my dad let me leave. And my sister did not try and stop me. While i was walking down the road i prayed.
"God i dont have any proof its not a sin. And i can understand where she thinks it is. For i want to be a lesbian women. And it douse say that homosexuality is a sin in the bible. Now i think you ment homosexual lust. Not homosexual love was a sin. Again i have no proof. But the thing is im realy scared and dont know what to do. I know it is not a sin. Why would you find it wrong for me to embrace my spirit. To shed earthly possesion. And to search deeper. and care more bout the spirit. I realy need to know you love me. And do not hate me for what i am. I am scared."
As i met with Brian (my freind i was talking about) He cheered me up quik. Thn we met with my secound freind Nishat. Who was getting a tatoo that read "look to the stars". she then explained to me the deeper meaning
"you see we live in Nederland A city inside a sate, that is inside a county, that is inside a state, that is inside a country, that is inside a planet, that is inside a universe that is inside a galaxy, that is inside a universe, that is inside something else. (in therory) For use to be that insignificant in the monstrosity that is this exi whatever being is out there to still show that much care for every last living indivisual. How can we be so stupid as to worry bout the diffrences that are own people have in this city the very in of that stagering list. I mean when we find what is out there where going to realy see some diffrence. And only thouse that can will be able to see something that is literly out of this world."
now that is why she was getting her tatoo. Wich she was planning to get way before i told her i was tran. But it just so happen that she chose the day needed religious gudance. (and praid for it too) God had answered me that day. And she told me that everything was going to be all right. And that she loved me inspite of me being diffrent. And because of that I am not afraid any more.
Jackie
As a fellow transgendered woman from Indiana, I can relate to this very much. I first made an earlier transition attempt when I was in the 7th grade. I had a conversation with my mother in March 1996, and she mentioned that she wanted a biological daughter and when I mentioned that I wanted to undergo my tranisition, she told me "NO!" followed by an insult. Had she not passed away in May 2002, I would have told her on October 31, 2003 when I officially came out that I realized I could no longer deal with the deaths of my mother and brother (who committed suicide three months after my mother died.) Later that year, I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria.
When I turned 21 in January 2004, I began the real life test and near the end of that year, I officially began my transition to female when I filed papers to have my name changed to reflect my current gender identity. Sometime during 2004, I realized during a revelation, when I broke a classroom window eight years earlier (during my seventh grade year) that I sent my mother a message after being provoked. (I was lucky I was never charged with breaking and entering and/or burglary.)
Just to add to the pastor thing.
My twin brother is ftm. He is a devout catholic. In Arizona, where he lived until a couple months ago, he attended a catholic church that had services and masses SPECIFICALLY for GLBT youth. It was a kind of under the table thing. You only heard about it through word of mouth because the church feared excommunication from THE CHURCH, if you understand what I mean, but EVERY denomination seems to have a few people that just sorta get it, y'know?