So it's been a couple of weeks since I finally came out to a select few friends and family. The populace in general, and the people who frequent my store are still pretty in the dark. I haven't told my father's side of the family yet, but I'm pretty sure the reaction will mostly just be somewhat good natured ribbing, and life will go on. And I'll let my customers figure it out as I transition.
I told my sister last week, and she told my mother. My mother hasn't been doing well, cancer I believe. (we don't talk anymore.) And the last thing I got was a "why would you do this to me right now?" from her. And then shortly after, she basically becomes a vegetable. She gets placed in a 24 hour care facility, and is completely unresponsive to everything and everyone around her I'm told. The doctors think she's going very very soon.
And I feel, no matter how irrational it might be, that I did this to her. I don't have a lot of warm feelings for her. and I'm not even all that bothered that she has been dying for months now, but it sucks to see she took her worst turn after I came out. And I find myself feeling kind of guilty about it. I know it's cold, but I wrote her off years ago, but I don't want to be responsible for worsening her health either. (and rationally, I'm sure I didn't do anything to make that happen.)
I just kind of feel the need to vent.
Quote from: Vera C on June 08, 2013, 07:29:50 PM
And I feel, no matter how irrational it might be, that I did this to her. I don't have a lot of warm feelings for her. and I'm not even all that bothered that she has been dying for months now, but it sucks to see she took her worst turn after I came out. And I find myself feeling kind of guilty about it. I know it's cold, but I wrote her off years ago, but I don't want to be responsible for worsening her health either. (and rationally, I'm sure I didn't do anything to make that happen.)
I don't think you made her worse, most likely it was just an unfortunate coincidence. *hugs* What happened to your mom is still sad, though. You''ll feel better in time, but good luck to you and your family!
to be fair your sister told her. not you. so even if it did exasperate her condition it wasn't actually you who let it reach her ears.
Venting is a good thing :)
We all feel that we are responsible for when bad things happen but appealing to your rational side, I'm pretty sure that you didn't do this to your mother and it was the pre-existing condition that she had been suffering from for a long time.
When I told my Mum she then told me that only that night before she had had the first proper nights sleep for years because she didn't have to worry about anyone in the family. LOL, yea, that didn't last long and although she is very very accepting and is my best confidant I still know that she is worried sick about me. That probably won't change, ever.
I'm sorry that things have turned out this way for you Vera, I am thankful for my family being what it is and who we are but we still have our issues as we all do.
Take solace in the fact that you did tell your mother before she did get too sick to know. Regret is a horrible beast and we can't let it rule our lives, if you hadn't have told her then you might be feeling guilty for not telling her earlier.
I hope I'm not putting my nose where it shouldn't be though.
Hugs