So, after having a panic attack this morning about many things, I sort of lost it and came out to my sister. Everything became too stressful so I had to let it out. I have to say that she handled it really well. Yes, we both were crying, but she is very accepting of it. However, she was shocked by the news. Even though she always thought I was feminine and sensitive, she never really saw this coming. Which I thought was interesting because I thought she always knew. In any event, she was very embracing of it all and said that I have nothing to worry about with the rest of the family. I still need time to come out to everyone else and stll feel embarrassed about the fact that I'm trans, but I'm getting there one step at a time.
That's wonderful, LTL - a caring sibling and an ally in the family should worst come to worst. Cherish her. :)
I am so happy for you that it worked out well even if it was not exactly planned. I'm sure that telling the first person in your family is the biggest hurdle an now you have her support when you tell your mother and the rest of your family. Also, that she believes you will have no problem with your family must be very comforting.
Congratulations, I really hope everything works out successfully like you deserve.
Love,
Ciara.
Good for you learningtolive. It never ceases to amaze me how people, even those that are so close to us, see us as feminine and sensitive but never have any suspicions whatsoever. Anyway 1 down and I hope the rest go well for you.
Yes, I'm so happy for you, congratulations! I have been watching your posts as your situation is somewhat similar to mine. Your sister sounds super awesome to be so accepting, you're lucky! Hopefully you can tackle the rest of your family, soon.
Good luck and keep updating!
Thanks everyone. It's a weird feeling. On one hand, I feel relieved. On the other hand, I feel a bit embarrassed that my dirty secret is out there. It's conflicting. I had a panic attack this morning and things just went forward without me even planning. I think I have to confront my mom today because she is demanding that I cut my hair as my hair is somewhat related to my anxiety episode in a weird way. It's a long story that involves an interview that went very wrong,lol. Though, I will try to hold off if I can.
Wow learningtolive. This is coming from me being a very stout believer in self expression, but I wouldn't alter my appearance or cut my hair for a job or anything else. I may dress a little better or wear a ponytail but that would be the limit. It's funny that equal opportunity in EOE only applies to some people and not others. Just hang in there. Your anxiety will probably go away the more your "dirty little secret" comes out. As for interviews and jobs go, I can relate.
Is it normal to feel embarrased or ashamed? She took it well, but I can't help but feel bad about myself. I know there is nothing wrong with being trans, but I feel terrible about admitting this to my loved ones. Like I'm some kind of freak in the family. I guess I haven't fully embraced all this emotionally. I'm not even feeling much relief at this point. I feel like I'm guilty of some terrible crime and now everyone knows. I don't know if she told anyone else, but now I'm having a miniature breakdown here.
Quote from: learningtolive on June 11, 2013, 12:10:36 PM
Thanks everyone. It's a weird feeling. On one hand, I feel relieved. On the other hand, I feel a bit embarrassed that my dirty secret is out there. It's conflicting. I had a panic attack this morning and things just went forward without me even planning. I think I have to confront my mom today because she is demanding that I cut my hair as my hair is somewhat related to my anxiety episode in a weird way. It's a long story that involves an interview that went very wrong,lol. Though, I will try to hold off if I can.
You have a little secret but certainly is not a dirty one. You are a young girl with a big and happy future ahead of you. You are so close now to becoming yourself.
You deserve to be happy.
Love,
Ciara.
Take some deep breaths and relax. You have been hoarding this secret for a long time. Now you are sharing it so that little secret isn't just yours and yours alone anymore. Believe me, looking at my family, you ain't seen freaks, sister. You are not the freak of you family, so no worries there. All families have closets and plenty of skeletons.
Just take some time, you need it too you know. Flow with the feelings because you did something that a lot can't. Expect multitudes of emotions because you have been hiding your true self and now you can be yourself around your loved ones without fear of slipping up.
I'm glad it's normal. I feel really bad right now. I can't explain it all. I think all the years of self hatred and loathing for my feelings are rushing before me. In the past, only I knew about it. Now, more people know it and it's really difficult to let it all out. I haven't had a problem talking to people in support groups, online or to my friends. Family, however, is incredibly difficult. I don't get it. I just got accepted and all I can do is feel bad about myself for being this way. I should feel better. I really don't get why I feel this down at a moment that should be considered joyous.
Congratulations . Another step for you in the right direction girl. I think it's normal to feel embarrassed about it right now since your still in the beginning.
It it absolutely normal to feel how you are right now. Remember that you have been hiding something all your life. Hiding brings lots of anxiety. You have opened a floodgate and a lifetime of anxieties are now bursting from your heart. Let your emotions flow. Its good to cry when you need to. There is no shame.
The flood will ease and you will feel the better of it all.
Love,
Ciara.
Quote from: learningtolive on June 11, 2013, 02:02:03 PM
I'm glad it's normal. I feel really bad right now. I can't explain it all. I think all the years of self hatred and loathing for my feelings are rushing before me. In the past, only I knew about it. Now, more people know it and it's really difficult to let it all out. I haven't had a problem talking to people in support groups, online or to my friends. Family, however, is incredibly difficult. I don't get it. I just got accepted and all I can do is feel bad about myself for being this way. I should feel better. I really don't get why I feel this down at a moment that should be considered joyous.
Yeah I think that's pretty normal well at least it was for me. But it's replaced by relief when you realize your finally out of the closet. BTW congrats on telling your sister that was a big step forward. I know how scary it can be! :)
I know how you feel. Family is different than you friends. Your family has only ever knew the one you, but know the real you is coming out. I had that same feeling of joy and worry when I told my first friend. I was so glad that somebody else knew and I did not have to keep it to myself. It is kind of odd to be out to somebody other than yourself.
I felt like that after I told my g/f. It's totally normal, my mom on the otherhand listens but has yet to understand so it needs time also. Like the Wilson Phillips songs... Lyrics to "Hold On" song by WILSON PHILLIPS : I know this pain Why do lock
yourself up in these chains? No one ... Some day somebody's gonna make you
want to ... Can you hold on for one more day ...
What about Queen - Break Free?
Sometimes you cant hold something in any longer and you have to tell someone, act on it, or both. I debated for months before dumping on g/f one night. Much as I'm sure you have been doing before telling you sister.
So short answer is be relieved that you took the first step and use that for inspiration towards telling your mom. Oh and yeah I thought friends were pretty easy compared to family.
Congratulations!
It's normal to feel a bit ... odd ... after telling the first person, but it will get easier, and at some point you will no longer feel embarrassed after telling anyone, just relieved. :)
Congrats on your sister's reaction. ;)
As for the panic attacks I get those big time as well so you aren't alone on that. Shame and disrespect are worst when your own mind starts using them as weapons against you. Talk to your therapist and if you need to talk we are here.
Well, I suspect that my sister told my mother and other sister. We had a very rare family dinner that was scheduled shortly after I came out. She told me that she'd keep it to herself, but she kept urging me to come out at tonight's dinner. All I can say was it was a very awkward night. Nothing hostile however. Still, I could just be paranoid because she told me that she wouldn't tell as I'm still not ready to confront my mother.
It's weird, I still feel very ashamed and embarrassed. I can't relate with the normal coming out stories of having a weight lifted off one's shoulders. Instead, I feel terrible and and believe that everyone will see me as a weirdo. I locked myself in my room for most of the day to avoid everyone. I feel more trapped now that they know because I feel humiliated. I guess I need to work on my confidence and learn to fully accept being trans. Even if I am, I still don't feel fully at ease with it if this is how I'm reacting. I just hope it will get better in time because it's been a really really tough day.
Some people feel the way you do for awhile, for a few days or in my case about a month. Try not to think about how others may change their perception of you right now or too much about their feelings, think about how you feel. Think about how you really, really want to transition and how that makes you feel or some other positive goal that lifts your spirits. Besides it may have been a bad day but I bet you've had ones a lot worse than this, so try to make the best of it.
Or think about your future image of yourself .... are you happy being the twin of Ms. Rinoa Heartilly? Isn't that what you want too in a way. To be happy with yourself and your body. Or am I over-thinking this too?
Hugs <3
Jamie
Congratulations! I definitely was more worried about feeling guilty or ashamed or embarrassed before I came out to my then girlfriend (now wife). Her only response was, "Yeah, we'll how does that change things?". Answer - it doesn't. Accordingly the anticipated guilt, shame, etc. never even materialized. What a waste of my energy. I still do have this same worry about feeling guilty, or feeling embarrassed when it comes to telling my friends, siblings, etc. and I have not yet told any of them. I'm working my way up to it. It is my sneaking suspicion that the reaction will be much the same. And, yes, it is totally natural and completely human to feel like it is your "dirty little secret" - if you never felt this way you wouldn't have kept it a secret in the first place. I assure you, I know - I have felt and do feel the same way, and it is completely ok. You will work through this in your own time and on your own path. I'm trying my best to walk mine.
Could how you are feeling be tied to a worry that your sister will not keep your confidence until you are ready to come out to the rest of your family? I know it's something I'm worried about. Telling my sister - that's one thing. Telling my brother or my mom is something totally different. I know I'm worried that by letting my sister in she may start telling other people I'm not prepared to have know and then I'll completely lose control over who knows and who doesn't. I guess that's the challenge with truly coming out. We lose control because everyone knows. That's the out part. Scary.
Best wishes - Muah! Again, congratulations!
Looks like we were typing at the same time - sounds to me like your sister likely kept your confidence but tried to give you a path - trying to help - I think I would let her know you aren't ready if you aren't and ask again for her to maintain your confidence until you are. Either way - smile - shes showing you that she loves you and cares.
Xoxo - Terri
Quote from: learningtolive on June 11, 2013, 10:18:07 PM
Well, I suspect that my sister told my mother and other sister. We had a very rare family dinner that was scheduled shortly after I came out. She told me that she'd keep it to herself, but she kept urging me to come out at tonight's dinner. All I can say was it was a very awkward night. Nothing hostile however. Still, I could just be paranoid because she told me that she wouldn't tell as I'm still not ready to confront my mother.
It's weird, I still feel very ashamed and embarrassed. I can't relate with the normal coming out stories of having a weight lifted off one's shoulders. Instead, I feel terrible and and believe that everyone will see me as a weirdo. I locked myself in my room for most of the day to avoid everyone. I feel more trapped now that they know because I feel humiliated. I guess I need to work on my confidence and learn to fully accept being trans. Even if I am, I still don't feel fully at ease with it if this is how I'm reacting. I just hope it will get better in time because it's been a really really tough day.
Hey LTL,
So I planned for weeks on how to tell my mom and even then everything didn't go as I expected and I can't say that I really felt any better after telling her. However what I can say is that it opened the door for progress. It's been trying at times but I don't relent and with the help of seeing therapists, me being on top of new info, and always being firm with my decisions I'm slowly bringing her on board. Despite the fact that her perceptions have changed, she still loves me and because of that she is working to learn to accept the real me. You have to be the judge but remember that parents need time and that the clock doesn't start counting until you tell her.
Quote from: learningtolive on June 11, 2013, 10:18:07 PM
Well, I suspect that my sister told my mother and other sister. We had a very rare family dinner that was scheduled shortly after I came out. She told me that she'd keep it to herself, but she kept urging me to come out at tonight's dinner. All I can say was it was a very awkward night. Nothing hostile however. Still, I could just be paranoid because she told me that she wouldn't tell as I'm still not ready to confront my mother.
It's weird, I still feel very ashamed and embarrassed. I can't relate with the normal coming out stories of having a weight lifted off one's shoulders. Instead, I feel terrible and and believe that everyone will see me as a weirdo. I locked myself in my room for most of the day to avoid everyone. I feel more trapped now that they know because I feel humiliated. I guess I need to work on my confidence and learn to fully accept being trans. Even if I am, I still don't feel fully at ease with it if this is how I'm reacting. I just hope it will get better in time because it's been a really really tough day.
That's why I haven't told my sister yet. Coming out to her is basically coming out to the entire county.
I have those feelings described in your second paragraph too. One the one hand, it's a major relief to me. Not because I said it, but because of other situations I find myself in where I'm sympathetic to people in similar situations and nobody knows that I'm actually in it. They sometimes get hostile about how I couldn't possibly understand, so on that side, it's a major relief that they finally get it.
On the other side, I don't feel shame in being trans when it's just me, but I do get the feeling of people looking at me funny after I tell them, like they suddenly start treating me different and that difference feels more like the special kid that's not quite there gets treated. It makes me feel uneasy too, but what's done is done. It took a long time to become comfortable with it behind closed doors, but it did happen. I'm sure it will happen among others as well.
Thanks everyone.
I talked with my sister and she said that she didn't tell anyone. I don't know if that's really true, but I will take her at her word. She's begging me to tell everyone though and I'm still not ready. It's hard to describe, but I need more time. One step at a time I guess.
I feel a little better about it today, but I'm still feeling awkward and ashamed. Ultimately, I know that I'm still not 100 percent okay with being trans. Even though there is nothing wrong with it, emotionally I haven't fully come to terms with that fact even if I accept mentally this is who I am. I still struggle with some self loathing and need to confront this more as I proceed. Yet, my sister is super supportive and wants me to get over my negative emotions. While it's still difficult, I'm glad she is really trying to help me get over all the mental hurdles.
I'm glad that you feel a little better today. Your sister now knows and she is on your side. That is good.
You are right to take your time before taking things any further. You have been through quite a lot in the past couple of days. Once your feelings and emotions settle things will be clearer and you will then be better placed to make decisions.
Meanwhile, just take your time.
Love,
Ciara.
@learningtolive,
Omg, I've *been* there, with the embrassment and shame/humiliation. I used to see (mostly older) transwomen and couldn't help thinking there was something wrong with them, and hating the idea that I was anything like them. I think what really helped me de-stigmatize it was finally accepting that we are the same. We suffer from the same condition. I guess in my head - because I thought being trans was "weird" - I sorta separated *myself* from it, and looked at myself as somehow *more* woman than other transgirls. It wasn't until I finally looked in the mirror and said "this is who you are" that I finally came to accept myself, and the fact that I'm trans. I'm not saying that it isn't still a struggle, and I, too, am still working on telling my family (but now it's mostly just because I'm worried about *them* thinking I'm a freak, not cuz I feel like one) but it's one I am slowly overcoming.
I now look at transwomen and don't see them as "women who used to be men", anymore. I see them as women who finally took that big step to become themselves. And whether they're young, old, "pass" or "don't pass", doesn't matter - I applaud them for their bravery.
It may help you to watch YouTube videos, as well, to see how many transgirls are just totally normal people, like anyone else. I have a zillion subscriptions to trans videos!
Quote from: Stefani2 on June 14, 2013, 10:41:42 AM
@learningtolive,
Omg, I've *been* there, with the embrassment and shame/humiliation. I used to see (mostly older) transwomen and couldn't help thinking there was something wrong with them, and hating the idea that I was anything like them. I think what really helped me de-stigmatize it was finally accepting that we are the same. We suffer from the same condition. I guess in my head - because I thought being trans was "weird" - I sorta separated *myself* from it, and looked at myself as somehow *more* woman than other transgirls. It wasn't until I finally looked in the mirror and said "this is who you are" that I finally came to accept myself, and the fact that I'm trans. I'm not saying that it isn't still a struggle, and I, too, am still working on telling my family (but now it's mostly just because I'm worried about *them* thinking I'm a freak, not cuz I feel like one) but it's one I am slowly overcoming.
I now look at transwomen and don't see them as "women who used to be men", anymore. I see them as women who finally took that big step to become themselves. And whether they're young, old, "pass" or "don't pass", doesn't matter - I applaud them for their bravery.
It may help you to watch YouTube videos, as well, to see how many transgirls are just totally normal people, like anyone else. I have a zillion subscriptions to trans videos!
Oh, I am well aware that there are plenty of normal trans people. I just have a tough time accepting that I'm okay and normal for being this way. When it comes to others I'm fully accepting, but I happen to reject myself to some degree. And even though I know there is nothing wrong with being trans, I do feel some sense of shame about it when it comes to myself. It's just that society doesn't view us in the most positive light and that has infiltrated my perception of myself. I need to get over this and I'm working on doing so.