So.
I had several tear-filled, short-lived phone calls before I was able to write up an email explaining things to my parents.
I said, in short:
I love you; this isn't an act of rebellion. This is what's going on; I've felt this way for many years; I tried to suppress it but could not. So this is what I'm going to do.
All in all it went OK. Obviously they're not too happy with my decision nor accepting of my path, but they still love me, which is all I could ask for and all I expected.
They said several things - arguments to try to change my mind, which I have copied below:
"Well, we do not think this counselor or therapist was right. I think that you will regret this approach if you continue to try to become a woman.
I ask that you not do anything permanent or irreversible, such as changing your name, castration or other surgery, chemical castration etc. I think it is likely (though not certain) you will regret doing so in the future."
" Sorry to be so slow to respond. I must admit to not knowing quite how to respond to your disclosure (I had truly decided to wait for your timing and put aside any niggling worries - perhaps in the wake of or so many other things going on including taking (Grandfather) to the ER two nights in one week.), because we do love you and have always been proud of you our first born - kind, gentle, sensitive, smart, funny, talented, artistic, animal-loving and imaginative, some one who was eager to learn more about God, with those great big eyes and gorgeous chuckle even from your early days. All qualities any one especially a man should be proud to have and get to know - brawn and bravado not a necessity. And because we love you, we always hope for and ask God for the very best for you. It does make me fearful as a parent to see a child appear to be heading in a direction that seems to me ill-advised.
As far as I can understand as a layman, the very best for each of us is to be following God's will. Because He is sovereign God and because He loves us. Although we mess up, He always does what is right - it is an inherent part of who God is - God does not make mistakes even if we do not always understand the whys behind what he has done or what the future holds. As I ponder your email, it seems to me that it must also include our bodies and gender. That said, most of us as human beings always seem to be dissatisfied with something about ourselves - not tall enough or too tall, not buxom enough or too buxom, in this day and age - hair color and texture are easily changable.... some may be our own fault - not being careful to eat properly often results in health or weight problems. Some may in fact be genetic (as far a build goes - that German build comes down through (Grandfather) ((Aunt) and I always kind of wished to have gotten the more willowy English build (Grandma) has)....kind of like the spelling gene (Brothers) got and the allergies most of you got). Physical things that may bother us personally in fact do not actually concern those who truly love us. Such as hair.... lack of it or grey appearing relentlessly.
Part of me keeps wondering what we could have done differently to help you be more comfortable with the body God gave you. Should we have encouraged you to go to Point Loma closer to home... gotten out to more activities.... Then I wonder what kind of life you would be having and then how to deal with things in regard to your siblings and extended family. I recognize the references to letting yourself go and I knew you spent a long time on the computer - just did not know you preferred female characters although if I noticed I assumed it was the rather fictitious figures they all seem to have... I also never knew that you struggled with accepting yourself beyond what is common for almost all adolescents growing and maturing. I do not even know the details about how Heather broke things off just that it was hurtful to you, but it should not be something you blame yourself for. It was just not the right timing or even probably the right person - although her dad seemed very nice - yet such things always hurt to trust your feelings in another person and be let down.
Another part agrees with your father - I really hope that you are not pursuing permanent paths and wonder what kind of therapist you visited. Is she a Bible believing Christian? I know when (Aunt) was struggling with depression that there were a wide variety of "therapists" out there and some seemed to make things worse rather than helping.
It seems that people in general keep getting further and further from God's plan trying to do everything in their own "wisdom". Daddy and I are considered a sandwich generation - your grandparents get increasingly frail while you children are striking out on your own and others are still in school. And the problems of the "world" keep hitting closer to home while we ourselves notice signs of aging - There are some family living with same gender, other loved ones getting divorced, some in constant danger in Israel, still others landing in prison. Yet I know God loves His children and is faithful. A cousin of mine who was into drugs and prison for most of His young life from high school on, is now a shining example of God's faithfulness and care, although he caused his parents lots of grief and will carry the prison record and tattoos the rest of his life - prison was the turning point for him.
I should stop for now.... I think I have been rambling as usual... at least I can blame some of it on the changes expected at this time of life. :-) I will most likely be thinking and mulling and praying more."
So, they don't think I'm on the right course; a sentiment I respect and try to appreciate, for the sake of the reason behind it. I am trying to explain myself more in the aftermath - in hopes that it is now more suitable for deep, introspective conversation - but I am OK with where they are and what they believe, and will endeavor to remain in close relations with them no matter what.
Which I guess what I'm saying is, it's time to live what I preach as far as accepting "love the sinner, hate the sin" mentality from others.
I love your letter. I'm sure your parents will too
^^hugs^^
I think you did well and am sending positive thoughts because it's never an easy situation.
Reading through the responses kind of reminded me just how big that leap can be for the cisgendered when we ask them for their acceptance, especially when they are family.
I felt a twinge of sympathy for them when it seemed they were looking inwards towards themselves to see if they had somehow failed. While the 'God's will' part is worrying I feel that these are good people who, hopefully when they come to terms with it, will be supportive.
Sending prayers to them that they can find peace in this current turmoil and also sending prayers to you that this has a positive, anticipated outcome.
Zoe I find your parents response very positive. I'm sure all will workout with them just give them time. :)
Overall you didn't get that bad of a response. It's important to emphasize that you'll still be the same good person after transition and that the core aspects of who you are won't change. Just make sure they are educated on all the issues so that they understand everything that has happened and what to look forward to.
And I think we can all agree on not having surgery before full time :)
The response you got was good. It sounds like your family really loves you and are trying to help as best as they can. Unfortunately, most see the best ways of support as trying to get you to realize this is wrong. It will take time for them to realize you are doing what is best for you. However, it sounds like your family is going to fully accept you once this is all said and done. I really can see the love they have for you pouring out of that note. It will be fine.
It's funny, but that response is similar to what I got from my mom. My mom also thinks my therapist is leading me down the "wrong" path and because my therapist is transgender and can't be impartial in her eyes. She wants me to start seeing a straight male therapist before making any more decisions. I've been told that my therapist, friends and support groups are like some cult trying to abduct me,lol. Though, she is trying her best to accept it. If your parents start to ask you for second opinions and want you to back away from your support structure, realize this is common reaction. Initially they will be confused and try to do their best to "protect" you from your "mistake". They are acting out of love. Most don't see this coming and as a result they enter a state of shock in the beginning. Try to be understanding where they are coming from and don't get frustrated (it's hard not to feel that way sometimes but I realize my annoyance has been counter productive and unfair to my family). In time they will come around. Judging from that letter, they love you too much not to be supportive and continue your relationship. Everything will be okay.
It could have been much worse,you are still a loved and wanted child whatever your decision.Good luck and best wishes
I think this is a positive response. Your mother seems like a thinker and seems to be somewhat open to seeing things in a different way, and that is good.
I've said this elsewhere, but that discouragement is a parents way of trying to "save their son" because they fear (rightly) that if you become their daughter, their son will be gone. You just have to help them come to terms with the fact that stopping this is not an option, and then giving them time to grieve, because they will need to go through that.
Hopefully your dad doesn't take control of the dialog, cause it sounds to me like that might not go as well.
Thanks for the kind words, folks. This thing ain't nearly over yet, but it's so reassuring having friends to share with.
I got another email today, about a potential visit back home we were considering prior to Saturday.
"Yes, please come if you can! But with a few requests from us: please be male or neutral in how you dress; it would be hard to deal with you coming in a skirt and perfume (esp. considering our own girls don't do so!) I am also not sure we want to spend a lot of time talking about this, at least not at home; maybe at Starbucks some time. We want you to enjoy yourself and be part of our family.
Love, Dad
PS, although "formal", email is easier just now I think than talking on the phone. I greatly appreciate your thoughts and thoughtful replies."
The requests make sense, as they (for one thing) are still getting used to the idea (let alone accepting it) and they have several children still at home for whom my presence might be problematic.
I dunno how well he'll take me showing up in my own face, though. It's pretty hard to look at it and say, "Yep - that's a boy." :)
Gon' have to be careful with my undergarments, too.
I still look male when I have my hair in a ponytail, though. I'll probably bring several elastics along, in case it's too much to handle.
Quote from: ZoeM on June 24, 2013, 06:47:45 PM
Thanks for the kind words, folks. This thing ain't nearly over yet, but it's so reassuring having friends to share with.
I got another email today, about a potential visit back home we were considering prior to Saturday.
"Yes, please come if you can! But with a few requests from us: please be male or neutral in how you dress; it would be hard to deal with you coming in a skirt and perfume (esp. considering our own girls don't do so!) I am also not sure we want to spend a lot of time talking about this, at least not at home; maybe at Starbucks some time. We want you to enjoy yourself and be part of our family.
Love, Dad
PS, although "formal", email is easier just now I think than talking on the phone. I greatly appreciate your thoughts and thoughtful replies."
The requests make sense, as they (for one thing) are still getting used to the idea (let alone accepting it) and they have several children still at home for whom my presence might be problematic.
I dunno how well he'll take me showing up in my own face, though. It's pretty hard to look at it and say, "Yep - that's a boy." :)
Gon' have to be careful with my undergarments, too.
I still look male when I have my hair in a ponytail, though. I'll probably bring several elastics along, in case it's too much to handle.
I think it's understandable they want you to present neutral in the very beginning. Just wear something like a t shirt and jeans and you'll be fine. I'm glad they are ready to see you! That's really a great sign. I don't know about discussing it in a starbucks though. That sounds like an awkward conversation to have there,lol.
Quote from: learningtolive on June 25, 2013, 12:15:07 PM
I think it's understandable they want you to present neutral in the very beginning. Just wear something like a t shirt and jeans and you'll be fine. I'm glad they are ready to see you! That's really a great sign. I don't know about discussing it in a starbucks though. That sounds like an awkward conversation to have there,lol.
That's a good point - I know I would rather discuss in private. Having extra people around won't make it any easier!
Quote from: Anna! on June 25, 2013, 12:19:17 PM
That's a good point - I know I would rather discuss in private. Having extra people around won't make it any easier!
Keep in mind, "At home" is 7 or 8 people. Starbucks is probably actually less crowded. :/
Quote from: ZoeM on June 25, 2013, 12:26:58 PM
Keep in mind, "At home" is 7 or 8 people. Starbucks is probably actually less crowded. :/
You haven't gone to a Starbucks in a metro area, have you? :P It's much more crowded than that. Though, I admit it is less in the suburbs. It depends on where you go.
Does the rest of your family know? Are you not ready to tell them yet?
I haven't told them yet - I want to respect my parents' wishes in that area and avoid causing questions. :/
It sounds like it is going as well as one could hope and it generally seems like they are going to accept you. This just goes to show you that you can't judge a person's response based on the fact that they happen to be a devout Christian. It's a very heartening story and I am glad you are sharing it. Your parents seem like great people which makes sense because you're such a sweet woman.
Also, I don't think wanting you to present neutralish is a bad thing. it would prolly be harder to have a deep convo with them if the first time they heard this in person they were more focused on presentation then you.
I hope everything continues to go well Zoe!
Congratulations on telling them. From their words it seems to me like everything is heading along the right track. They still love you, want the best for you, and haven't rejected you. I just hope everything continues to improve for you hereon and that it all goes well when you visit.
You have my very best wishes, for certain. Good luck! ;)
Zoe So far everything is sounding quite positive. Don't be to surprised when they try to talk you out of this. Which I can pretty much guess is coming this weekend. I think your doing an excellent job so far handling this just remember to show them how much thought you have put into this and this is not something you just came up with overnight. I would say good luck this weekend but I don't think you need it. You've already done better than me and I've done this twice! :laugh:
Be firm. Be strong. Be kind :)
You did good, they responded well. Not bad, not bad at all.
Quote from: ZoeM on June 25, 2013, 01:03:04 PM
I haven't told them yet - I want to respect my parents' wishes in that area and avoid causing questions. :/
I hear you. Still, I think talking about things in a more formal and private setting than Starbucks would be better. Personally, I wouldn't enjoy dishing out my most intimate details with some drinking a caramel latte next to me. It would be very awkward.
He wants it to be Starbucks and not at home (or someplace actually private) exactly because it will be uncomfortable. He doesn't want to talk about it, basically. That's how I would read into it anyway.