Always a girl since childhood, on & off HRT & fulltime as a normal woman so many times however I just always seem to slip back into the dull male mode. I've tried my best to remove facial hair, come out to friends, improve my body & face, enjoyed normal relationships with men, relax & enjoy my one gender, etc......
Now in my late 50's & so frustrated with life as a "male" I'm female inside 100% & proud of it however it is so hard to change a male body after years of the wrong hormones.
Why does it have to be so difficult & almost impossible for me to finally move forward?
:) :D ;D Hello FrancisAnn! ;D :D :)
Hello Jamie,
I just wonder why it has been so hard for me to complete correcting my gender. My entire life it seems I get close to having one normal nice pleasant life then for some reason I "get scarred" & stop. Then I feel terrible trying to be a "male" & start over again with HRT & trying to change my body. I'm just not sure what is wrong with me?
Quote from: FrancisAnn on July 03, 2013, 11:27:57 PM
Hello Jamie,
I just wonder why it has been so hard for me to complete correcting my gender. My entire life it seems I get close to having one normal nice pleasant life then for some reason I "get scarred"& stop. Then I feel terrible trying to be a "male" & start over again with HRT & trying to change my body. I'm just not sure what is wrong with me?
You have already answered your question FrancisAnn! What is holding you back is fear plain and simple. I was the same way once until I realized I was just repeating the same pattern over and over. Once I realized that I knew it was time to choose the person I was going to be the rest of my life. Your going to have to realize you can either keep repeating your pattern or you can pick the person you want to be. Or a year from now your still going to be in the same place you are now a little bit older and wondering why you can't move forward with your life. ;)
Heather, At least you realized your correct gender & moved forward. I'm very glad for you.
For myself it's been a frustrating life, 85% female & 15% male on average. Some days 100% female. I can't seem to just relax & move forward but I'm trying again.
Quote from: FrancisAnn on July 04, 2013, 12:07:08 AM
Heather, At least you realized your correct gender & moved forward. I'm very glad for you.
For myself it's been a frustrating life, 85% female & 15% male on average. Some days 100% female. I can't seem to just relax & move forward but I'm trying again.
FrancisAnn I really could have gone either way to be honest while I was happy being Heather I wasn't completely miserable being my male persona. I just knew I had to make a decision! Do I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision yes but I know I made the best decision for me when I stopped going back and forth and just chose to have one life. Whatever you eventually chose FrancisAnn just stick with it and make the best of it. Life is too short to keep repeating the same thing over and over. :)
Heather, thanks. I know it all too well about going back & forth. I've always been a girl/woman inside so no problem there. Just wish back in my early 20's I had followed thru 100% however $ & job problems & family issues stopped me.
Now older, sure not as pretty as I was in my young days however sufficient $ so really I do not have any reason to stop or delay again. I'm back on my HRT I will continue forward & not look backwards I sure hope.
My best to you & good luck also.
Not only is the world getting more accepting and we can face a future with hope but countrues are changing law.
For example: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,143985.msg1174921.html#msg1174921 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,143985.msg1174921.html#msg1174921)
I'm now female on ALL of my government documents.
And this in a country that still doesn't recognise same sex marriage.
WE can have lives, we are normal.
Never give in!!!!!
Thanks, I already feel better back in contact with my true friends. I should reschedule my orchi & just enjoy a more normal feminine life until such time as SRS within a year or so. HRT creates such a pleasant calming emotion & I sure feel better back on my estrogen.
Hey Francis!!!!!! ;D
Great to see you back. Hope everything else is well. I was thinking of you the other day. Life can be very confusing and difficult at times.
-Jenn
Jenn, I missed talking with you also. I'm OK, never any change wanting to be normal, just my age is frustrating however renewing my HRT & already feel better. Somehow I cannot send or receive any messages yet???? If you can try to send me a new PM.
Also the facelift surgery scarred me some, getting cut on is risky however also with age I have to accept this & try to move forward. I plan to revisit the plastic surgeons office & try to become more comfortable with surgery.
Take care,
Francis
I think you need to have 15 posts to get PMs... which I see you have now so... incoming! ;)
Intertia. Many people, if not everyone, are like that. You've been "comfortable" in a crappy situation for years, and when a solution arises, it's so very hard to move. Best advice I can give is not to allow yourself to go back, even if you move slowly. Oh yeah, and having someone with you to support you helps a lot. And I mean a ton.
You can also think of that... experiment... from some researcher. He made a signal be heard before electrocuting a dog in a cage for a while. In the beginning, the dog panics, yells for help, tries to escape. Then after several repetitions, the dog decided to just suffer its fate and lied on the ground, just waiting for the pain to come. And then, the scientist opened the cage's door and continued the process. The door was obvious to the dog, and easy to reach. The dog continued to lie down, suffering the electric shocks, ignoring the door.
Such a thing does happen in humans too. Once you suffer a lot, you can easily begin to subconsciously believe your place is in that pain, or that there is no way out. And since we're awfully good at convincing ourselves of things, even if they're nonsense, it can truly be hard to make someone think and act rationally again.
A, thanks. It's been a trustrating life but I'm OK/fair I guess?
Since first grade when the teacher said you have such long eyelashes & you would make a beautiful little girl but you must move to the other side of the room with the boys. I was dissapointed/upset then & still dissapointed/upset today.
I hope your transition is going well & my best to you.
Maybe I will find a way to stay on track with & toward one normal life I hope. That's all I can do for now.
Francis
Quote from: FrancisAnn on July 03, 2013, 11:27:57 PM
Hello Jamie,
I just wonder why it has been so hard for me to complete correcting my gender. My entire life it seems I get close to having one normal nice pleasant life then for some reason I "get scarred" & stop. Then I feel terrible trying to be a "male" & start over again with HRT & trying to change my body. I'm just not sure what is wrong with me?
Well, let me say that even ciswomen feel male some of the time. They are not all girly girly all the time. I'm not just talking about gender roles. They can be aggressive, competitive, and fiercely protective at time. Maybe it comes from having a little testosterone floating around in their bodies.
Jamie, Thanks for your comment & help. I understand. I've enjoyed both sides a little as a man but mostly as a woman so maybe I should be happy with my confused life. However I just wish I were 100% pink & nice, totally & completely feminime.
Dressed complete, feel great & look great. I have no idea why I would allow myself to ever be trapped in a male body. Resuming normal HRT dosage & it's time to revisit plastic surgeon for my planned face & neck lift & maybe more? Thanks to all girl friends for contact & support. I wish us all the best to completely enjoy our feminine lives.
FrancisAnn,
I always knew who I am since my earliest memory, never lived full time till I failed on my third suicide attempt, and when I came to the next day, I realized I had to attempt to live as a woman because I wouldn't attempt suicide again, I'd succeed. You don't fail with a bullet to the brain. I was 57 years and 22 days old when I went full time. I'm like you in that I knew I was a girl, telling my mom and dad at four I was in the wrong body and that I was really a girl. I came very close to transitioning at 23, going as far as possible without living full time. But I didn't pull the right lever and let my religious and family guilt overwhelm me. But when I finally began living full time I've never once, not for a nanosecond, ever doubted that I've done the right thing in making my body match my heart, mind, soul and spirit. IMHO, you have to commit once and for all and vow to God, your family, friends, coworkers, and your dog that you're a woman and you'll never live as a male impersonator again. I've never even stood up to potty, never not worn my makeup during the day, never not kept myself feeling soft, shaved, smelling, or thinking as the woman I've always been. You have to commit, FrancisAnn, and I believe that maybe you got a little lazy mentally or physically about who you are, you started losing the essence of who you really are and you can never do that. I've had it easy in that I've never needed FFS, but I need a rhinoplasty (nose job) because of sports injuries and a police brutality issue. You're doing the right thing in doing HRT again, but if you don't take and keep the right attitude with you into this again, you'll probably quit again. I'll never go back because I'm me for the first time in my life. You obviously are extremely uncomfortable as a male, or you wouldn't keep going back to living as a woman. Nobody would do what we have unless they're in crisis or they're transsexuals. Take care sweetie, you can do this. Hugs, Mira
Mira, thank you for your post & advise. Maybe we can be friends if you want??? Please send me a PM when you can.
My life, I've never been close to any suicide however it's been one big mess being Francis/normal & then trying to be some male to make other people happy I guess??? Lazy might be a good term??? It's been a roller ride that never seems to end or really go anywhere but around & around in circles.
Thank you again, Francis Ann