Hi all, I am Em
I am based in Sydney australia.
Amazingly, I survived to 36 with severe life long depression with no idea of the cause and finally cracked the puzzle last month. Denial is a poor term... more like total mind block. It was gender dysphoria and pretty darn text book at that once I discovered the concept.
I will be starting hrt shortly cannot wait to see the real me. I get the impression she just plain rocks. My depression has all but lifted just knowing I can transition. Yay.
I am out to my close friends and parents, but still in guy mode for now. Grrr.
I am a professional artist, a bit of a film geekette, married to an amazing woman who not only accepts me, but loves the real me more (what? I get you AND boobs... bonus!). Erm... what else can I say about me? Dark sense of humor, party girl, social butterfly, looooove burlesque and cheesecake, rockabilly, trance and bubble tea.
I identify as femme lesbian, and am proud to have jumped from none to two letters in lgbt(etc) in one swoop. It certainly explained why all my close friends (and exes) where lesbian, pan and bi girls. Lol. Denial is a funny thing. I will wear my colors proudly.
I look forward to chatting (and no doubt over sharing) with everyone!
Hi Em,
A warm welcome to you! I'm from Adelaide, I'm one of the many Aussie girls around the place.. We have somewhat of a reputation.. ;)
Hugs,
Kelly
Hi ya back! Lots of Aussies is good news. Maybe its something carlton breweries put in the beer.
Hi emmaline, :icon_wave:
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Quote from: emmaline on July 04, 2013, 05:56:39 PM
Hi ya back! Lots of Aussies is good news. Maybe its something carlton breweries put in the beer.
There's so many of us here in Adelaide, I've started wondering if there's something in the water.. We don't drink that beer from the east over here - we have Coopers.
A very warm southern California welcome to you, Em.
Hi Emmaline,
Greetings from another Adelaide girl. A rather cold and wet one at the moment!!
Hugs
Cindy
Quote from: emmaline on July 04, 2013, 03:54:21 PM
Hi all, I am Em
I am based in Sydney australia.
Amazingly, I survived to 36 with severe life long depression with no idea of the cause and finally cracked the puzzle last month. Denial is a poor term... more like total mind block. It was gender dysphoria and pretty darn text book at that once I discovered the concept.
I will be starting hrt shortly cannot wait to see the real me. I get the impression she just plain rocks. My depression has all but lifted just knowing I can transition. Yay.
I am out to my close friends and parents, but still in guy mode for now. Grrr.
I am a professional artist, a bit of a film geekette, married to an amazing woman who not only accepts me, but loves the real me more (what? I get you AND boobs... bonus!). Erm... what else can I say about me? Dark sense of humor, party girl, social butterfly, looooove burlesque and cheesecake, rockabilly, trance and bubble tea.
I identify as femme lesbian, and am proud to have jumped from none to two letters in lgbt(etc) in one swoop. It certainly explained why all my close friends (and exes) where lesbian, pan and bi girls. Lol. Denial is a funny thing. I will wear my colors proudly.
I look forward to chatting (and no doubt over sharing) with everyone!
Hey there Em! Welcome fellow traveller from Oz.
Amazing journey. Love your spirit. Strong! Hope the solved puzzle inspires you, ever forwards.
Kind Regards
stav
Hello there Em
I big hello from err Sydney as well...
You will need to watch those girls in Adelaide. Definitely something in the water over there.
I am happy for you in that you have found yourself after all this time.
You are not alone so enjoy the ride and welcome to Susan's.
Cindy will be along soon to brand me so might as well make it two for one special.
Enjoy.
Jen
Quote from: Jenny07 on July 05, 2013, 06:06:22 AM
Hello there Em
I big hello from err Sydney as well...
You will need to watch those girls in Adelaide. Definitely something in the water over there.
I am happy for you in that you have found yourself after all this time.
You are not alone so enjoy the ride and welcome to Susan's.
Cindy will be along soon to brand me so might as well make it two for one special.
Enjoy.
Jen
No more brands for you, you enjoy them too much.
Lashings and chocolate deprivation in the future.
Heee Heee
Thanks all for warm welcome!
;D
Chocolate deprivation?!? That's just cruel.
Hi Em, welcome to Susan's Place! Since there's so many Aussies here, I'll call for the paddy wagon shuttle bus to take you all back to the penal colony home. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn
Oh yeah- I am allergic to chocolate too. THATS CRUEL.
Somebody go eat some on my behalf. Go on... you want to....
So I am feeling welcome, thats a nice experience after worrying about being welcome in society in general for the last couple of weeks. Thanks all.
My current goal is to transition fully, including srs and ffs. My disphoria is strongest in physical terms- and as an artist I think visually, I suspect. It would be nice to look in a mirror without feeling ill and full of unfounded loathing. Whats exciting is that, now am aware of the cause of this reaction I can bear my image by visualising the subtle feminization. Not that I will be a looker... mind you, that would be nice, I would be delighted with just being able to connect and care for the person in the mirror. Being haaaaawt would be nice, of course, but its not going to drive me to a slew of procedures. I will be happy as a natural looking bombshell. ;)
Already I feel a totally new person, its like unfolding. Really nice that I can move and express myself to my wife and close friends without having to play male any more. A friend said I stand and sit totally differently now, far more relaxed and upright. I wondered if this was me affecting a female posture, but its the opposite- this posture is quite natural. My normal voice is also lighter and higher as I realise I was forcing the sound deeper into my chest to man up. Its weird... but wonderful. Climbing out of denial, being more truthful in every action... lifting out of depression. I love spotting my automatic male facade kicking in, dropping it and seeing what comes out. Unrefined, but natural.
Having trouble finding a name. Emmaline is the character from a novel I wrote a few years back (unfinished).
Running list...
Emmaline (emmi for short)
Dana (was Dave- so people can go Da....na, if they slip.)
Dannika
Lillian (from gish... lil and lilly are nice nicknames)
Alice (not keen on being called Al though) little psychic vampires ftw- always was team alice
Leisha (love Leisha Hailey and speaking on alices)
Ella
Ellie
Kiera
Slartybardfast
Pippa
Quote from: emmaline on July 06, 2013, 06:18:20 AM
Oh yeah- I am allergic to chocolate too. THATS CRUEL.
Somebody go eat some on my behalf. Go on... you want to....
So I am feeling welcome, thats a nice experience after worrying about being welcome in society in general for the last couple of weeks. Thanks all.
My current goal is to transition fully, including srs and ffs. My disphoria is strongest in physical terms- and as an artist I think visually, I suspect. It would be nice to look in a mirror without feeling ill and full of unfounded loathing. Whats exciting is that, now am aware of the cause of this reaction I can bear my image by visualising the subtle feminization. Not that I will be a looker... mind you, that would be nice, I would be delighted with just being able to connect and care for the person in the mirror. Being haaaaawt would be nice, of course, but its not going to drive me to a slew of procedures. I will be happy as a natural looking bombshell. ;)
Already I feel a totally new person, its like unfolding. Really nice that I can move and express myself to my wife and close friends without having to play male any more. A friend said I stand and sit totally differently now, far more relaxed and upright. I wondered if this was me affecting a female posture, but its the opposite- this posture is quite natural. My normal voice is also lighter and higher as I realise I was forcing the sound deeper into my chest to man up. Its weird... but wonderful. Climbing out of denial, being more truthful in every action... lifting out of depression. I love spotting my automatic male facade kicking in, dropping it and seeing what comes out. Unrefined, but natural.
Having trouble finding a name. Emmaline is the character from a novel I wrote a few years back (unfinished).
Running list...
Emmaline (emmi for short)
Dana (was Dave- so people can go Da....na, if they slip.)
Dannika
Lillian (from gish... lil and lilly are nice nicknames)
Alice (not keen on being called Al though) little psychic vampires ftw- always was team alice
Leisha (love Leisha Hailey and speaking on alices)
Ella
Ellie
Kiera
Slartybardfast
Pippa
Thanx for sharing a bit about your story - :) I've never known dysphoria - but I've known admiration for and envy of women I'd love to be. Not Maggie Thatcher. Natasha Stott Despoja. Would have loved her as PM--Cerebral-- Laurie Anderson,
Lindsay Wagner--the bionic woman,
Patsy Bisco...:)
:) ha ha ha -- Slartybardfast! I know one but I won't post it - too riske - .....
from ur list, I like Ella. I also love the names Angeline, Angelica, Helen, Samantha, Cassandra and Yvette.
Ooh, love cassandra. Cassy. Added to list thanks!
Natasha SD - no idea about her politics, because I had a wrong crush on her and whenever she was on the telly I didnt hear a word she said. Lol.
Quote from: emmaline on July 06, 2013, 07:19:03 AM
Ooh, love cassandra. Cassy. Added to list thanks!
Natasha SD - no idea about her politics, because I had a wrong crush on her and whenever she was on the telly I didnt hear a word she said. Lol.
ha ha ha.....can't have been 'wronger' than a gay guy with a girlcrush on Hugh Remington's wife! Wrong on so many levels :)
Lol. My wifes wrong crush is paul keating.
Yeah.
Weird.
Is that the wrong crush she had to have? ???
ha ha ha!!! Either of the 'wrong crush' or 'wrong crush she had to have' - better him than John Howard - !!
(for US non Oz-ians - think "Obama" c.f. "Regan")
Hi Emmeline.
I am 32 and from Sydney as well. I've struggles with gender issues for a long time and I am starting to accept that I need To confront things, as they aren't going to go away. I feel better about dealing with these issues knowing that there are other girls in the same situation. I am not out properly yet, but taking things step by step. One day at a time. It's great to know there are other girls in Sydney.
Wandering around the house saying Cassy, Cass... hey, I am cass... my cats looking at me weird... the winner of the oscar for best director goes to Cassandra King.... casster... yo... Cass. This is my friend Cassandra. Ck. Seeekaay.
I really like it.
Hi delyth- no doubt will meet you at some point down the trans line.:)
Thank you Emmaline. I feel really scared, but talking to other girls is really helping me. May be I don't need to some how feel guilty about feeling this way. My biggest enemy is my own perception of myself. Feel really thankful for advice an friendship I am starting to see on this board.
Make sure you get good therapist love too!
Er... not literally,
Anyhoo, being scared just means your smart enough imho.
Been to the gender center yet?
Haven't yet. I've been so busy with work, it's been difficult to get any time to myself even at weekends. I've seen a normal psychologist on 4 occasions, bit I think I need to find someone who specialises in gender issues. I think I need that support before I can completely come out to my friends, family and colleagues. I just want to be in a posting where I am happy with what I see in mirror.
Ooooh, absolutely yes- get that specialist stuff in place before coming out- having council that can also help your family come to terms is really good. The gender center in Sydney appears to be heavily overloaded- make a booking asap as it may be a while before you can see them. Good luck!
Ahh, just qualified for a sig and picture. Mine is (at the time of writing at least) a photoshop self portrait onto which I applied the effects of hormones- reducing muscles on the jaw closer to the actual bone, softening the curves (extra fat), upping the cheek apples a little and so forth. Of course it may vary a great deal to reality, but it made me feel soooo much better about transitioning. Hell, a touch of FFS and a bit of slap and I might just get there.
Unfortunately I cut my hair short a few days before I broke through my denial to 'make me feel better about my appearance', lol. Sooo, thanks to that little bit of stupidity I am quite a way off the length. Still, my hair was not far off this in college, (curtains thanks to Nirvana and Happy Mondays) and so I know I can get there and how it behaves.
The current fave name at the moment is Cassandra Alice King. CAK! indeed.
Oh the fun of inventing oneself.
Hi emmaline and delyth ann (and everyone else too!),
I'm a Sydney girl too and welcome! I moved about a month ago from Adelaide and still finding my feet (work, place to live etc.) but I used to live here so its a little easier. I'm yet to pop into the Gender Centre yet but I really should soon, I'm thinking about how transitioning will pan out with work and I was told that they can really help with that in particular.
I did the exact same thing with my Hair emmaline, I got it cut about a week or two before I started seeing a therapist and regretted it since! Only just caught up now and it wasnt even that long then! So annoying!
I started seeing a psychologist before anyone else delyth ann and they really did help with coming out to friends and family. I've recently been seeing a psychiatrist in town too who I can recommend, not cheap to see them (or any specialist really), but they did help too (not to mention you kinda need them to give you the "tick" before you look at hormones if you are going in that direction). If you like either of you girls PM me :)
Hey Cynths! Looks like a sydney scene will have to happen at some stage!
Re psychotherapy. .. Its funny, since I came to realise I was transgendered I have never felt so completely sane. I went from being a severely depressed, suicidal and self loathing recluse, to a calm, social, hope filled actual person in only a few weeks. I worried I was mentally unwell, somehow unfixable. CBT had no effect on me, clearly it was more than a warped set of values as I am intelligent and should have been able to challenge by values easily. Clearly it was physical to some degree, and that worried me. Plus, my depressive bouts where getting worse as time went on.
Now I know why my brain works the way it does, and that it is in part or in essence, physically set up to be female and this perfectly explains my past behaviors that caused me problems. An inability to bond or identify with men, ease of bonding with women, a sense of being wrong or alien in my skin and social interactions, the panic I felt being confronted socially by macho behaviors and so much more.
Transition is exciting beyond words.
Uhg... flu. Bored and headachy. Need to sign off.
Hey, Page 2 ladies! You know what was the "scariest" part for me? Having it dawn on me that if I didn't do something about my "war with myself," the rest of my life would be miserable, unhappy, and exceedingly short. I was never suicidal, but rather, had lost my zest to live.
Just the realization of who I am paid dividends.
Jamie,
I am starting to come towards that realisation. I had a breakdown in April, due to a combination of issues including my gender. It's so exhausting trying really hard to be something I am not. I thought about suicide at one stage, but realised I would cause more hurt to the people I care about. On the surface I shouldn't be feeling down. I have a great career, family and friends, but something hasn't felt right. It's only now I am starting to confront my gender issues and do take action or otherwise my health is going to suffer more in the long term.
Quote from: emmaline on July 08, 2013, 04:13:45 AM
Re psychotherapy. .. Its funny, since I came to realise I was transgendered I have never felt so completely sane.
Oh do I know that feeling! Isn't it great?! Before I ever told anyone my folks were just saying to me, gee, you are just so happy the last few weeks (they put it down to losing weight), when I told them that I have never been so happy or felt so "right" in my life they were all like, "Ohhhhhh, NOW I get it!".
Quote from: Jamie D on July 08, 2013, 05:39:46 AM
Hey, Page 2 ladies! You know what was the "scariest" part for me? Having it dawn on me that if I didn't do something about my "war with myself," the rest of my life would be miserable, unhappy, and exceedingly short. I was never suicidal, but rather, had lost my zest to live.
Just the realization of who I am paid dividends.
Same again Jamie. I just watched an interview on the net with someone who just transitioned a year or so ago and they were asked, "I have read that you describe it as transition or suicide", they replied more or less, it was a matter of time and they didn't know exactly what their breaking point was but it would have ended in that direction.
I'm lucky in that I never thought of it as an option, but I did realise a long time ago that losing yourself in drink, bad choices and misery is pretty much the opposite to choosing to live.
Delyth ann, for me the Eureka moment was just "letting" myself look into this aspect of myself. Looks like you're there already :)
It always amazes me (but I do kinda wonder why :) ) how similar an experience we all share.
Thats so true. Transitioning isnt a choice for me. Its imperative to survival. My last depressive bout nearly killed me. I cant risk that again for my friends and loved ones, least of all myself. Its not about high heels and frocks for me, those are just the trappings of gender. Its just something I have to do.
Mind you the trappings are fun too. :)
Bonus.
I concur with you on this emmaline.
Depression is horrible and I so nearly let it get the better of me a few years ago when things were awful.
But I'm still here and hopefully can be finally happy with myself.
J
Hope thats working for you Jenny.
I am realistic, I know Its not going to fix everything, but such is the transformation just after hearing I could transition physically with hrt, that I am convinced that doing so will give me back enough strength to take everything else on with confidence. Its plugged my battery back in... I suspect come a year or so on 'mones when I look in the mirror it will be like plugging me into the mains.
I got very far in my industry lugging my persona around. But I always self sabotaged things because I hated him. Its already a weight off not being him around my close friends.
Girls,
I have realised that I am at the start of a long journey, I am slowly starting to come to accept myself. Fighting GID is pointless.
I've had a really bad run with depression this year. It cumulated with me having a breakdown. At one point I had even had my head in a noose and was about to end it all.
Then I heard my dog barking, and I suddenly thought about how upset I would make my family and love ones. Taking the easy way out wouldn't fix things. There is no quick fix.
The only way to deal with things is to accept who I am and be honest with myself. I am starting to let the girl that I am inside reveal herself bit by bit.
I have found these forums a great source of comfort and reassurance. I hope one day that one day when my body matches my mind I will complete and I can be in a position to offer kind words of reassurance to others as girls have offered me.
Its funny the things that pull us back from suicide. Dog barks, smells... little things, strange things.