Does anybody else suffer from bad jealousy issues? I know we all probably experience dysphoria and can be triggered by certain things, but for me it's like the dumbest and most irrational things set me off really badly. For example, I don't really want to get into the details of the story but I basically saw my girlfriend was talking to another guy. There was no flirting, nothing bad at all, and I recognize this, but I got angry to the point that my body went cold, my face went hot and I was shaking and simply couldn't think rationally anymore. I also have fear of abandonment issues when it comes to dating so it doesn't help, and it really doesn't help that I don't tell my girlfriend these things because I know it pushes people away. I don't want that.
I'm pretty much entirely sure this roots in my insecurities about my birth gender and my body in general, because I see pretty much any other guy as being better than me and more attractive and interesting and so on. I was just wondering if anybody else experiences something like this? I've never read about any other trans individuals being jealous to such an extreme but it still doesn't hurt to ask. Hopefully, I can get some advice on how to control it or even get rid of it, and of course, you can discuss your experiences with jealousy here as well.
I have similar issues, mate. I used to be much worse pre-T, but it still niggles me. I was so insanely jealous of my girlfriend's past relationship with her ex (high school boyfriend, mind you - and it had ended four years before she even met me). All I could think about was things like "she would do [this] or [that] with him (sexually) and won't do it with me, he must have been sexier", etc. I hated him with a purple passion. Although my girlfriend and I are now married, I still think about her past relationships with guys. I think of the guys around me sometimes and how all the girls are so much more interested in them than me (although I'm in a relationship, it still stings to not even feel attractive).
I know that I look 100% male now, but seeing the way girls interact with "biological" guys makes me feel pretty crap. I still think that they think I look weird or something - then again, I'm my own worst critic and they may even flirt with me and I'd not realise it because I'm too focused on the idea that no one notices me.
But it's all self-destructive behaviour, mate. Are you pre-T? I have to say that it does get better with time and self-confidence. I am obviously still working on my own self-confidence issues, and that's where a good therapist can come in handy. I have a psychiatrist and she's very supportive and willing to listen to whatever issues I may have. Also, doing things like working out or even simple things like buying new clothes that make you look good can help you to improve your self-confidence. I noticed that the more I got depressed about it, the more I let myself go - and the "uglier" I looked and felt inside.
Thanks a lot for your reply, it's oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one, even if it is a not so good situation.
I'm definitely the same though, I guess I lucked out in the way that my girlfriend has only ever shared a tiny kiss with another guy when she was super young, otherwise she hasn't done anything. So it's like instead of focusing on what she's done with guys in the past, it's more so like I'm just freaking out over really stupid things with her male friends. And like you said, the guy I have in mind, I hate him with a purple passion, but rationally, like, I know it's so so stupid and I want desperately to get over it, there's really no good reason for me to dislike him.
I am pre-T, I hope to start by next year at the latest. I have a gut feeling that when I'm on T, my jealousy issues will die down to a great extent but I just wanted to get somebody else's advice because I hate to think of T as some miracle cure-all (although it's hard not to see it that way for a lot of my own issues). I did recently start working out consistently and it really does do wonders for my self esteem. I've been applying for jobs as well and if I get one and can afford new clothes I know that will help, and then from there it's off to therapy and hopefully hormones.
Thank you again for your reply, you have no idea how much it puts my mind at ease. I hope things go better with your self esteem and jealousy as well, just remember like you said, it's self destructive behavior and we're always our own worst critics.
I've recently made a friend who's gay and has exposed me to a few other gay men (mostly couples). I can't say I feel extreme jealousy, but I am jealous over their apparent ease at being themselves. I still look very female and feel extremely awkward surrounded by men that I want to emulate. It's even worse that my husband and I appear to be a heterosexual couple. I feel uncomfortable touching him much when I'm around the other guys because I look female.
Quote from: randomroads on July 11, 2013, 12:43:21 AM
I've recently made a friend who's gay and has exposed me to a few other gay men (mostly couples). I can't say I feel extreme jealousy, but I am jealous over their apparent ease at being themselves. I still look very female and feel extremely awkward surrounded by men that I want to emulate. It's even worse that my husband and I appear to be a heterosexual couple. I feel uncomfortable touching him much when I'm around the other guys because I look female.
I know exactly where you're coming from. I can be having the most confident day of my life but as soon as I'm in the same building with guys my confidence just goes right down the drain and I feel pretty small and stupid. Are you pre-T or planning to go on T at all?
I've never really had issues with jealousy. I do envy other people, mainly cis guys, from time to time.
I sometimes envy other gay men their life experiences. And then I think of how many of them aren't actually around anymore. I turned eighteen in 1980, and I experimented sexually from 1981 on--multiple partners, parties, men and women both. If I'd been born "right," I'd probably be dead by now. I remind myself of this from time to time.
But I haven't found any way to make myself feel better about how easy these men are in their bodies...
just wanted to throw in another "youre not the only one" . Before starting testosterone i had alotof jelousy issues. Now i do still get jelous but its ot as bad and i can even laugh at it sometimes. I have found that trying to make friends with the people that make me envious is actually very helpful. Everyone has something that makes them jelous and seeing the people that i am jelous of as "friends' insteadof enemies has helped. When you get to know people, you will ultimately see their flaws and those flaws will even out whatever things they have over you.
QuoteAre you pre-T or planning to go on T at all?
I've been on T for two months.
I agree that making friends with the people you're jealous or envious of is a great way to combat it. I'm thankful for being exposed to the people I have, and I'm working to make friendships where I can. It's not always easy, but it does help.
Here's another one who can get quite jealous too. Especially of cis guys.
I am very jealous of my brother. I love the guy (in a brotherly way, of course) but he seems to have it all. A good body, guys who want him and as a result of that: a happy dating life, a rocking career, an awesome social life, a good house, car. He's got it all. So it's not only dysphoria issues. But at times I look at him and I am like "I should have been like him. Why did he get it all, including a normal body, and I got nothing?" Life can be so unfair at times. The good thing is that he's a great guy, and really deserves all of that. I guess I pissed off some gods in a previous life or something.
I definitely deal with jealousy when it comes to other people being further along in a seemingly happy life. Depression and denial and anxiety and all the negative mental stuff I've dealt with means I don't have much to show for the 10 years I've been out on my own. It's embarrassing to not only go through a second puberty while transitioning and dealing with emotional stuff and having to hide it all because 'adults don't act that way', but to also finally have to make decisions on what kind of man I want to be and what I want to do with my male life when most men my age that I admire have finished college or have some kind of steady career and seem to (superficially) have their shiz together.
These are things I don't talk about except online. Even my husband doesn't know how embarrassed of myself I am. I've got the 'men don't talk about their feelings' stereotype down pat! I constantly remind myself that on the surface, I've always looked like I'm happy and doing alright for myself, and that it's completely reasonable to think that others are happy even if they're hiding the truth. It helps me feel better to know that everyone's got embarrassing stuff they don't talk about.
I'm coming up on seven months on T. For the first time in my life I feel really confident about myself. I do get a bit jealous when I look at the chests of cis men or transguys who were small enough to get top without the huge tell tale double DI scars. I'm not going to be small enough to be able to get that done myself. I'm coming to terms with it slowly but surely before my surgery. Better to think it through now then be depressed about it when it happens.
Oh, and I used to get a bit jealous when my gf would talk to cis guys or have cis male friends. Now we're almost a decade into our relationship and I've relaxed about all of it. She has cis guy friends from school who she texts and I could care less. I figured out a long time ago if she wants to be with me she will. If she doesn't then she's going to leave. You can't force someone to love you. By being jealous or controlling it just pushes them away. Just have to trust that everything is kosher and feel confident that they love you or they wouldn't be with ya.
I know this feeling. The longer I am on T, the less I feel bothered by what other guys do or other guys have. I do my own thing and they mainly just blend into the background at this point.
Quote from: Arch on July 11, 2013, 01:32:13 AM
I've never really had issues with jealousy. I do envy other people, mainly cis guys, from time to time.
I sometimes envy other gay men their life experiences. And then I think of how many of them aren't actually around anymore. I turned eighteen in 1980, and I experimented sexually from 1981 on--multiple partners, parties, men and women both. If I'd been born "right," I'd probably be dead by now. I remind myself of this from time to time.
But I haven't found any way to make myself feel better about how easy these men are in their bodies...
That's some really thoughtful insight and something I've certainly never taken note of before. I guess it's helpful in a way to remind ourselves we may not have been born the way we wanted, but there's still a lot we have that other's unfortunately don't.
Quote from: chuck on July 11, 2013, 08:07:05 AM
just wanted to throw in another "youre not the only one" . Before starting testosterone i had alotof jelousy issues. Now i do still get jelous but its ot as bad and i can even laugh at it sometimes. I have found that trying to make friends with the people that make me envious is actually very helpful. Everyone has something that makes them jelous and seeing the people that i am jelous of as "friends' insteadof enemies has helped. When you get to know people, you will ultimately see their flaws and those flaws will even out whatever things they have over you.
Thanks a lot for the advice. You couldn't be more right about going and making friends with those you're jealous of. It kind of puts a name to the face, for lack of a better term, instead of just seeing them as an enemy and not another human being with flaws, thoughts and feelings.
Quote from: randomroads on July 11, 2013, 09:19:37 AM
I've been on T for two months.
I agree that making friends with the people you're jealous or envious of is a great way to combat it. I'm thankful for being exposed to the people I have, and I'm working to make friendships where I can. It's not always easy, but it does help.
Has T alleviated any of your jealousy at all? And have you maybe considered opening up to your husband at all about it? You might feel reluctant to do so but I've learned that when I just open my mouth up to my girlfriend she kind of paints the things I'm sad about in a new light. She kind of makes me realize what a nice person I am and how silly my sadness can be.
Quote from: Simon on July 11, 2013, 11:50:12 AM
I'm coming up on seven months on T. For the first time in my life I feel really confident about myself. I do get a bit jealous when I look at the chests of cis men or transguys who were small enough to get top without the huge tell tale double DI scars. I'm not going to be small enough to be able to get that done myself. I'm coming to terms with it slowly but surely before my surgery. Better to think it through now then be depressed about it when it happens.
Oh, and I used to get a bit jealous when my gf would talk to cis guys or have cis male friends. Now we're almost a decade into our relationship and I've relaxed about all of it. She has cis guy friends from school who she texts and I could care less. I figured out a long time ago if she wants to be with me she will. If she doesn't then she's going to leave. You can't force someone to love you. By being jealous or controlling it just pushes them away. Just have to trust that everything is kosher and feel confident that they love you or they wouldn't be with ya.
This advice is priceless to me and something I don't remember often enough, so I have to thank you for that. :)
Quote from: Ketchup Packet on July 11, 2013, 02:53:04 PM
I know this feeling. The longer I am on T, the less I feel bothered by what other guys do or other guys have. I do my own thing and they mainly just blend into the background at this point.
That's really good to hear! I hope I can get to this point some day.
I have thought about it, but while he's been super supportive of being trans and transitioning he's incapable of listening to me in a way that makes me feel he actually 'gets it'. He's always been that way.
My inner linguist just cannot be suppressed. ::) Envy and jealousy typically refer to two distinct emotions. You can envy someone for having something you don't have--like a penis--but you get jealous when something or someone you have or think you have--such as a partner--is threatened by another person you think will take it away or replace you. People nowadays conflate the two feelings, but that creates all sorts of misunderstanding. For example, when I first read the title of this thread, I was expecting something else, perhaps about a girlfriend that some other guy was hitting on!
I've probably misused the word "jealous" from time to time myself, but I never used to. I've picked it up from the people around me over the years. (You should see what happens to my writing when I teach international students.) So I suppose that the two words will eventually come to mean the same thing.
Anyway, when I said that I didn't have jealousy issues, I meant both that I don't get jealous (mainly in relationships) and that I don't see how I can be jealous of someone who can't take away something I don't possess in the first place.
You may slap me now.
QuoteI definitely deal with jealousy when it comes to other people being further along in a seemingly happy life. Depression and denial and anxiety and all the negative mental stuff I've dealt with means I don't have much to show for the 10 years I've been out on my own. It's embarrassing to not only go through a second puberty while transitioning and dealing with emotional stuff and having to hide it all because 'adults don't act that way', but to also finally have to make decisions on what kind of man I want to be and what I want to do with my male life when most men my age that I admire have finished college or have some kind of steady career and seem to (superficially) have their shiz together.
^that's me! I've been through the wringer the past 5-6 years. I'm none too eager to go through a second puberty and right now isn't the time for that anyway. I'm in the process of getting a second degree and then I have to deal with other adult issues, like paying off some debts and saving up for top surgery. It seems unfair to a degree that I'm still dealing with the whole OMG WTF I am going to do with my life thing in my late 20s while everyone else around me has great jobs, serious relationships, money in the bank, etc. And I'm still going to school, working part time, and not anywhere near stable in my life. Hell, I'm not even living on my own at this point due to having made some shady financial decisions. So yeah....the idea of transitioning ->-bleeped-<-ing scares me ->-bleeped-<-less on top of all of that....
QuoteDoes anybody else suffer from bad jealousy issues? I know we all probably experience dysphoria and can be triggered by certain things, but for me it's like the dumbest and most irrational things set me off really badly. For example, I don't really want to get into the details of the story but I basically saw my girlfriend was talking to another guy. There was no flirting, nothing bad at all, and I recognize this, but I got angry to the point that my body went cold, my face went hot and I was shaking and simply couldn't think rationally anymore. I also have fear of abandonment issues when it comes to dating so it doesn't help, and it really doesn't help that I don't tell my girlfriend these things because I know it pushes people away. I don't want that.
I'm pretty much entirely sure this roots in my insecurities about my birth gender and my body in general, because I see pretty much any other guy as being better than me and more attractive and interesting and so on. I was just wondering if anybody else experiences something like this? I've never read about any other trans individuals being jealous to such an extreme but it still doesn't hurt to ask. Hopefully, I can get some advice on how to control it or even get rid of it, and of course, you can discuss your experiences with jealousy here as well.
To the OP...->-bleeped-<- yes I suffer from jealousy issues. I never really realized that was what was going on between me and my long time on-again-off-again, I-need-to-screw-this-guy-but-can-you-please-get-some-wine-for-when-i-get-home girlfriend until she got herself knocked up by this ->-bleeped-<- from work that she was supposedly "in love" with and we broke up. My ex and I tried to stay friends but seriously...I hate her boyfriend's guts. He's not a bad guy but she choose him over me for no other reason than he has a dick and I don't.
Every time I am around him (which is occasionally since my ex is still pretty close to my mom and gets invited to family functions), I just want to punch him in the back of the head. Or rack him in the balls. Something. Anything to get even. But really....I don't want to hurt him. I'm just pissed that things ended the way that they did and that I lost someone I really loved to a douchebag with the IQ of a cucumber.
I don't hate all bioguys, just those that give me a cause to hate them. I do feel inferior to them sometimes, because they have the body that I want...but that isn't jealousy, that's more like envy or lust or some weird combination of the both.
zombieinc,
Sorry to hear you ever had to be involved in that situation, I feel like jealousy would be inevitable there. Hopefully this isn't unwanted two cents but maybe in a way its almost a blessing she sorted herself out of your life. She doesn't sound like the type of person to stay tied down long and you seem like too good of a person to be dragged down by her. I think I'd be more angry towards her than the guy, regardless of the states of their junk haha.
Arch,
I quite enjoy your inner linguist! And its a good point, of course, but now I might be a little more conscious of my use of jealousy and envy. :P
QuoteSorry to hear you ever had to be involved in that situation, I feel like jealousy would be inevitable there. Hopefully this isn't unwanted two cents but maybe in a way its almost a blessing she sorted herself out of your life. She doesn't sound like the type of person to stay tied down long and you seem like too good of a person to be dragged down by her. I think I'd be more angry towards her than the guy, regardless of the states of their junk haha.
Jealousy was inevitable; I was just too "in love" to notice it. Too bad it took me 7 years to see what was going on...oh well. Life is meant to be lived, no use living in the past. I'm getting used to her being gone, really. It's been almost 3 months since we stopping seeing each other. She's living with her baby daddy full time now, in another town about 30 min away, so I don't see her much anymore.
I was angry with her; still have flare ups from time to time. I don't like her bf/baby daddy much, never did even when her and I were open and she was bringing him around a lot...I would talk to him, but he didn't get me being whatever I was....trans, butch, gq, whatever the day may bring. He thought I was a weird dyke and didn't understand why a pretty femme girl would want to be with someone like me.
Live and learn, I suppose.
I think a big heart is more important than a big package anyway, so it's her loss that she passed up on someone who really cared about her to be with someone just because he had a bigger downstairs. 8)
Quote from: zombieinc on July 15, 2013, 11:26:10 PM
Jealousy was inevitable; I was just too "in love" to notice it. Too bad it took me 7 years to see what was going on...oh well. Life is meant to be lived, no use living in the past. I'm getting used to her being gone, really. It's been almost 3 months since we stopping seeing each other. She's living with her baby daddy full time now, in another town about 30 min away, so I don't see her much anymore.
I was angry with her; still have flare ups from time to time. I don't like her bf/baby daddy much, never did even when her and I were open and she was bringing him around a lot...I would talk to him, but he didn't get me being whatever I was....trans, butch, gq, whatever the day may bring. He thought I was a weird dyke and didn't understand why a pretty femme girl would want to be with someone like me.
Live and learn, I suppose.
I think a big heart is more important than a big package anyway, so it's her loss that she passed up on someone who really cared about her to be with someone just because he had a bigger downstairs. 8)
Well it's really great to see that you have such a good attitude about it. I'm still sorry you had to deal with that but you seem strong enough to handle it! And yeah, it's definitely her loss, that guy does sound like a massive jerk, to put it lightly. ::)
Quote from: ForWantOf on July 06, 2013, 09:41:12 PM
Does anybody else suffer from bad jealousy issues? I know we all probably experience dysphoria and can be triggered by certain things, but for me it's like the dumbest and most irrational things set me off really badly. For example, I don't really want to get into the details of the story but I basically saw my girlfriend was talking to another guy. There was no flirting, nothing bad at all, and I recognize this, but I got angry to the point that my body went cold, my face went hot and I was shaking and simply couldn't think rationally anymore. I also have fear of abandonment issues when it comes to dating so it doesn't help, and it really doesn't help that I don't tell my girlfriend these things because I know it pushes people away. I don't want that.
I'm pretty much entirely sure this roots in my insecurities about my birth gender and my body in general, because I see pretty much any other guy as being better than me and more attractive and interesting and so on. I was just wondering if anybody else experiences something like this? I've never read about any other trans individuals being jealous to such an extreme but it still doesn't hurt to ask. Hopefully, I can get some advice on how to control it or even get rid of it, and of course, you can discuss your experiences with jealousy here as well.
Hi there matey,
I have a looootttt to say about jealousy. Rather than overdo post one, I'll start by saying, I came from being a very jealous young male in my early 20's where just seeing my ex in a car with people would trigger the jealousy.
I have done a *great* deal of jealousy work, and quelled near most of it, and have learned a whole new language about how to *harness* internal states of jealousy and use them as a *propellant* to become my next best form, and the kind of partner that is emotionally safe to be around and really relationship-building about jealousy.
I'll start by saying that jealousy, ultimately, is not 'race' between you and any 'other'. Ultimately, it's an internal 'race' or really 'struggle' and the first step I learned was that jealousy was some reflection of the way I saw myself, and not about any other.
I had to learn that first.......does that get you thinking about anything?
cheers
stav
Quote from: stavraki on July 16, 2013, 03:56:13 AM
Hi there matey,
I have a looootttt to say about jealousy. Rather than overdo post one, I'll start by saying, I came from being a very jealous young male in my early 20's where just seeing my ex in a car with people would trigger the jealousy.
I have done a *great* deal of jealousy work, and quelled near most of it, and have learned a whole new language about how to *harness* internal states of jealousy and use them as a *propellant* to become my next best form, and the kind of partner that is emotionally safe to be around and really relationship-building about jealousy.
I'll start by saying that jealousy, ultimately, is not 'race' between you and any 'other'. Ultimately, it's an internal 'race' or really 'struggle' and the first step I learned was that jealousy was some reflection of the way I saw myself, and not about any other.
I had to learn that first.......does that get you thinking about anything?
cheers
stav
That definitely resonates a huge amount with me. Two things in particular and that would be:
"Just seeing my ex in a car with people would trigger the jealousy."And
"I learned was that jealousy was some reflection of the way I saw myself, and not about any other."The first part because that's, unfortunately, the level I'm at now. These really mundane and almost irrelevant daily actions can trigger really bad jealousy within me when it comes to my girlfriend, and the second part because I know my jealousy issues root in really bad self esteem and confidence issues. I also believe that my self esteem and confidence issues are a direct result of gender dysphoria and all the fun things that come along with being trans.
The thing is, I just don't know how to talk myself out of feeling so stupidly jealous over dumb things or how to get any control over it. I know T will help, but like I said earlier, I'd hate to treat it as some sort of cure all shot, and I also have no idea when I'll be able to get on it. But seeing as how you said you were quite a jealous guy in your early 20's (which is my age now) I'm actually really eager to hear any advice you have on how to deal with it and potentially get over it.
Quote from: ForWantOf on July 17, 2013, 12:44:10 PM
That definitely resonates a huge amount with me. Two things in particular and that would be:
"Just seeing my ex in a car with people would trigger the jealousy."
And
"I learned was that jealousy was some reflection of the way I saw myself, and not about any other."
The first part because that's, unfortunately, the level I'm at now. These really mundane and almost irrelevant daily actions can trigger really bad jealousy within me when it comes to my girlfriend, and the second part because I know my jealousy issues root in really bad self esteem and confidence issues. I also believe that my self esteem and confidence issues are a direct result of gender dysphoria and all the fun things that come along with being trans.
The thing is, I just don't know how to talk myself out of feeling so stupidly jealous over dumb things or how to get any control over it. I know T will help, but like I said earlier, I'd hate to treat it as some sort of cure all shot, and I also have no idea when I'll be able to get on it. But seeing as how you said you were quite a jealous guy in your early 20's (which is my age now) I'm actually really eager to hear any advice you have on how to deal with it and potentially get over it.
if ur really serious about personal development and growth, this is going to be a long conversation. I'm happy to stand firm in the conversation, without leaving you hanging. I've offered that first up because, jealousy comes from the same place that those feelings that haunt us that nag at us with thought like 'why didn't my friend call' and 'why aren't there many replies on my thread' and 'people aren't talking to me cause they don't like me' and anger about not getting enough love. That is, I'm doing some soothing of you by promising to return to keep talking to you. I'm acting as an external soother of your anxiety, fear and self-doubt. Anxiety, fear and self-doubt are all associated with triggers of big spikes in jealousy when you feel let down, or vulnerable or exposed (rejected, devalued or not central in the thoughts of a loved one)
The first idea to absorb is about becoming your own 'soother' rather than needing the 'soothing and reassurance' coming from the outside world and from others. Make sense? Self-soothing tools. We're gunna build some, together.
Asking you to declare your feelings of threat and jealousy online's a really really really big thing. But, you already have been bravely honest with the 'car' thing upstream. We won't be able to figure this out unless you can keep being open. If you need to pull out of the conversation, just say so, and of course that's okay....
Do you know, being able to own and name the jealousy, just like you have here, but in the relationship where its affecting you, is where the quelling of it happens. But, the declaring is a style and art that can be learned. There are different ways of declaring the jealousy. Some do damage to ourselves and to others. Some heal. :) We're gunna work through the different ways of declaring the jealousy.
There's a strong, quiet voice that often calls us to 'cover it up' and pretend we haven't got the jealousy, as we smile, that 'smiling assassin's' or 'fake' smile "Yeah, I'm *fine*" said just with that leaky-creaky false tone. An empathic person will pick up you're fibbing when you're masking jealousy. But, if you really want to (master) jealousy, the fibbing and masking's gotta stop. It gives a 'short term gain, long term pain' that is a delayed maturation and leaving you feeling hurt, resentful and you'll get mean if you do this wrong.
The other thing we do with jealous is the control-rules we whack over others. Try to control the environment.
Why do we do that? (does the question make sense?)
I'll leave that as a question. (I'll respond with what I've learned, but it's way better to get you to think about that...first).
And this one
What does one serious, internal 'grenade' of jealousy do to our sense of, or experience of others?And
What are the different 'kinds' of jealousy we can experience.Do you know matey, no-one of my parents ever mentored or taught me about jealousy. I was on my own. There's so so much to share about it that accelerates learning.
Can I say, you're a pretty gutsy guy to come on here and open yourself up like this. You keep doing that, you'll get on top of your jealousy way quicker than I did. I lied to myself all about it all through my 20's making the whole world responsible for something ultimately about who I was.....
Quote from: stavraki on July 18, 2013, 07:36:22 AM
if ur really serious about personal development and growth, this is going to be a long conversation. I'm happy to stand firm in the conversation, without leaving you hanging. I've offered that first up because, jealousy comes from the same place that those feelings that haunt us that nag at us with thought like 'why didn't my friend call' and 'why aren't there many replies on my thread' and 'people aren't talking to me cause they don't like me' and anger about not getting enough love. That is, I'm doing some soothing of you by promising to return to keep talking to you. I'm acting as an external soother of your anxiety, fear and self-doubt. Anxiety, fear and self-doubt are all associated with triggers of big spikes in jealousy when you feel let down, or vulnerable or exposed (rejected, devalued or not central in the thoughts of a loved one)
The first idea to absorb is about becoming your own 'soother' rather than needing the 'soothing and reassurance' coming from the outside world and from others. Make sense? Self-soothing tools. We're gunna build some, together.
Asking you to declare your feelings of threat and jealousy online's a really really really big thing. But, you already have been bravely honest with the 'car' thing upstream. We won't be able to figure this out unless you can keep being open. If you need to pull out of the conversation, just say so, and of course that's okay....
Do you know, being able to own and name the jealousy, just like you have here, but in the relationship where its affecting you, is where the quelling of it happens. But, the declaring is a style and art that can be learned. There are different ways of declaring the jealousy. Some do damage to ourselves and to others. Some heal. :) We're gunna work through the different ways of declaring the jealousy.
There's a strong, quiet voice that often calls us to 'cover it up' and pretend we haven't got the jealousy, as we smile, that 'smiling assassin's' or 'fake' smile "Yeah, I'm *fine*" said just with that leaky-creaky false tone. An empathic person will pick up you're fibbing when you're masking jealousy. But, if you really want to (master) jealousy, the fibbing and masking's gotta stop. It gives a 'short term gain, long term pain' that is a delayed maturation and leaving you feeling hurt, resentful and you'll get mean if you do this wrong.
The other thing we do with jealous is the control-rules we whack over others. Try to control the environment. Why do we do that? (does the question make sense?)
I'll leave that as a question. (I'll respond with what I've learned, but it's way better to get you to think about that...first).
And this one
What does one serious, internal 'grenade' of jealousy do to our sense of, or experience of others?
And
What are the different 'kinds' of jealousy we can experience.
Do you know matey, no-one of my parents ever mentored or taught me about jealousy. I was on my own. There's so so much to share about it that accelerates learning.
Can I say, you're a pretty gutsy guy to come on here and open yourself up like this. You keep doing that, you'll get on top of your jealousy way quicker than I did. I lied to myself all about it all through my 20's making the whole world responsible for something ultimately about who I was.....
Well first off, let me give you a MASSIVE THANK YOU because I smiled like an idiot reading that. I know that it didn't cure my jealousy issues or anything haha but I've never had anybody to discuss this issue with that knew exactly where I was coming from. Even better yet, somebody that solved it. I honestly couldn't thank you enough for taking the time to do this, it's greatly appreciated.
The idea of a self soothing tool is really great and seems incredibly helpful, would this be something like focusing on the qualities I enjoy about myself and reinforcing the belief that those are what people like and value me for?
I also don't mind at all being brutally honest, although it's a serious issue, I can find ways to laugh about it because I understand how silly it really is. My girlfriend knows about my jealousy and she's been incredibly helpful with it for the years we've been together, and I really didn't even have any kind of jealousy "flare up" until recently, due to the guys she talks to. But yeah, honesty isn't any kind of problem, my brothers also have the same kind of jealousy issues for whatever reason so it's easy to declare having them myself. The only instance where I try to cover up my jealousy (in regard to my girlfriend) is a situation like this, because I don't want to drive her crazy or push her away by being upset over something so small and making a huge deal out of it.
I think, why we try to control our environment is because we're afraid of what we don't know. We fear all of these things that are beyond our control but we forget just that,
it's beyond our control. If we can, by any means, control our environment and prevent our fears from happening, I think sometimes we can get ahead of ourselves and try to control things to an extreme that might hurt others, that's never a good thing. Luckily, I'm lax enough that I've never done something to hurt anybody else because of my jealousy.
Jealousy definitely makes it hard for me to experience a friendship or relationship to it's fullest extent. It's hard for me to put trust into people or to become attached because I don't want to end up being the weird jealous friend. I've never reached that point yet so I think in general, I'm doing okay with it, but again I can't tell you how much I value this information and how much it'll help me.
It's also really nice of you to say I'm brave and gutsy and all of that, but I have to say you're twice as much so for being able to cope with this all on your own and work it all out. I'm actually really curious to hear about your story and experience with your jealousy.
And one very last thing, if you would prefer to talk about this through PM that's totally fine with me. The thread is kind of dead outside of us haha and I'd hate to keep annoying users with it popping up from time to time.
I have hot jealousy as well but im good at hiding it when i need to and most of the time jealousy is just from insecurity and fear of abandonment.Regardless of transition or not,i still had this issue and until i can face those things,i will always have them.I have been told im cute when i get jealous BUT i dont like the feeling.All i can say is man,one: dont look at your transition as a cause for it,because im pretty sure thats not an issue.not when it comes to jealousy anyway.I mean i myself realize that people will cheat/lie/leave regardless and i have seen this happen on both sides,so i can say that my transition or before,was never the cause but the person their self.With that in mind,i keep fear of those things *not transition related for me anyway* because of the things i do see i have wrong aka trust issues,and many other things i need to change.I think its a mix of the fighting instinct for what one has worked for but also fear knowing that we do have issues that could push someone away.For example,im not the hottest thing in the world but im a rare heart but if a hot dude comes around,yes i see what he has that i dont,so i get upset and jealous that he fills something i cant.I have gotten very angry and jealous over the smallest things as well and there have been times that i stopped and said *erm did i just do that?* my opinion is that *some* jealousy can be good but i feel that you need *along with myself* to put alot of things to rest and im sure it will make it alot better for you.
Quote from: ForWantOf on July 21, 2013, 01:06:39 AM
The idea of a self soothing tool is really great and seems incredibly helpful, would this be something like focusing on the qualities I enjoy about myself and reinforcing the belief that those are what people like and value me for?
So - how do you actually self-soothe after your jealousy's triggered. Ready for this?
Hold onto your seat. As counter-intuitive as this is, to begin with, this one, when you master it, will bring you home every time. The trick is learning to experience sexual arousal
imagining your partner is a sexual being, when she's being cruised by other males, rather than seeing her behaviour as a reflection of you, or as a threat to you. How hard is that to learn?
Teach yourself to see her hotness through the eyes of males admiring her, rather than seeing her as the treacherous vixen coveting other males. The 'coveting' is you, not her, when you're being jealous. That's the thing that's so very hard to outgrow. How do you do this? Sexual contact after a jealous episode, as soon as you cool feelings down enough to trust, and as soon as the anger's gone from you. Talk about the jealousy, but own it as your own. Tell yourself you're betraying only yourself by getting jealous because you're selling your own hotness and worth short.
There's the key. your own sense of worth. Jealousy is also about imagining 'she wants him more than me right now'. well, she may! Just for a nanosecond or a moment, or a day, but that's called being human. And whoever said that we are supposed to be the centre of our lover's worlds 24-7-365! Impossible. If you're like most people, she's not the centre of your universe all day everyday. Ponder that one for a bit. Just cause she's not 'always' your 'hottest' doesn't mean she 'usually is' or 'she's my chosen partner'. It's important to let our loved ones feel safe about admiring other hot people. I have a saying "married not dead" and "window shopping is healthy".
So, in that cluster of sentences, above, there are at least a half dozen self-soothing tools. Write them down. Posted notes. And they *will* fail the first 100 times you get jealous, but if you rehearsed them after each jealous episode, you'll make gains over time.
Expect the healing of jealousy to take--how long?QuoteI also don't mind at all being brutally honest, although it's a serious issue, I can find ways to laugh about it because I understand how silly it really is.
wrong language. Not sacred enough and kind enough on yourself. It
feels silly once you've cooled down. But there's important changes to make in how you treat yourself after you've been jealous. Jealousy's an intense, internal violation as it occurs and it is very very important to honour the healing of jealousy, with great kindness to both yourself and others. Ritualise language of love around healing jealousy.
Sacredness and
vulnerability and
trust are so very important when healing jealousy.
One from her:
You honour me with your jealousy my husband, I feel so powerful and beautiful thank you for your gift.One from her:
Hold your station, you're forgetting yourself. You were the man cruising me like the men that cruised me at the club the other night. See yourself in those men, rather than seeing me lost to those men.You can use those on her when she gets jealous too
One for you:
If I'm kind about how I declare my jealousy and she uses my jealousy as a weapon of power over me, rather than a tool to grow us closer, then I'm with a manipulative person and I'm at risk and my jealousy is warning me to move on.QuoteMy girlfriend knows about my jealousy and she's been incredibly helpful with it for the years we've been together
she sounds beautiful matey. Really she does - are you jealous yet - I just said your gf sounds like a wonderful, human being. Why wouldn't a lot of guys want her? That's important to be able to own by esteeming her, by thanking her, by praising her and telling her these things. That will make her see you as 'special' when she is flirting with other guys, and after flirting thing 'yeah, but my man's an awesome guy--those other guys are just fluff'. A bit of flirting helps her feel good about herself. I encourage my partner to feel safe flirting. When they feel good about themselves, they can love you better too.
QuoteI don't want to drive her crazy or push her away by being upset over something so small and making a huge deal out of it.
it's not the feeling, matey :) it's what you do with it that counts. There's no harm in gently declaring jealousy in an affirming way (see stuff I wrote, above).
QuoteI think, why we try to control our environment is because we're afraid of what we don't know. We fear all of these things that are beyond our control but we forget just that, it's beyond our control. If we can, by any means, control our environment and prevent our fears from happening, I think sometimes we can get ahead of ourselves and try to control things to an extreme that might hurt others, that's never a good thing. Luckily, I'm lax enough that I've never done something to hurt anybody else because of my jealousy.
Here's the thing. The only entity we can really fully control is ourselves. the more power and energy you put into controlling your environment, the greater the sense of threat and pain and hurt when the environment doesn't do what we say.
Change the direction of the power. Turn your power inwards into self-healing, transcendence, self-soothing and self-love. Grow. Outgrow as much jealousy, over time as you can.
Again--how long do you thing outgrowing jealousy takes?
I'm actually really curious to hear about your story and experience with your jealousy.
My first boyfriend had sex with all of our shared friends. I was 27. I broke, in a very very serious way. I would have to say I did thing of killing myself, fleetingly, but I stuck it out.
Before you go feeling sorry for me--meh--ya know what. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. I reclaimed a sense of my own hotness, first. While I was really jealous and hurt I couldn't see that I was hot. I also couldn't see how others saw me. I saw phantoms, distortions and possessive ideas, ultimately, about myself. I couldn't see that what my partner did was not a reflection of me, but about their journey. His sacred journey, actually. A choice made--what a young adoptee, 25, recovering from abandonment injury, who needed the prop of the sexual experience, and who was unable to experience himself in close, intimate partnership as a sexual being. He used sex outside the relationship to self-soothe (there you have that word again).
Then, to be really frank, I realised that what he did was hot, in a way. The only thing wrong was the secrets, which denied me my choices about whether or not to go on that journey with him. The open relationship was rammed down my throat but buy a damaged young man.
Then while we were separated for 9 months, I had a lot of sex. Guess what happened to my love for him. Nothing. So I had an epiphany: love was the greater power. Lust was very forgettable. And I realised that the intimacy between us was what made love.
Over time, seeing my partner in my head getting off with all of the people he did, stopped hurting. It got hot in fact. After all, we were still together, and where were all they, and someone hot is someone hot. There was a critical point at which the images in the head stopped threatening me. I grew to love myself and I did gym. I got a lot of attention. I realised that the key was seeing my own worth, hotness and beauty. I learned that my partner's choice as a young, damaged man helped him heal old pain, and that made him more able to love and commit. He grew--to love me more for seeing what he needed to outgrow pain.
so, James and I did separate, after another ten wonderful years together. And we remain very close friends. From jealousy, I grew. In fact, jealousy was a propellant to grow into my next incarnation. I have some questions - next post
the discoveries of aging.
kind regards
stav
how many kinds of jealousy are there.....think it out loud :) Is there only one kind?
Quote from: stavraki on July 21, 2013, 08:37:53 AM
So - how do you actually self-soothe after your jealousy's triggered. Ready for this?
Hold onto your seat. As counter-intuitive as this is, to begin with, this one, when you master it, will bring you home every time. The trick is learning to experience sexual arousal imagining your partner is a sexual being, when she's being cruised by other males, rather than seeing her behaviour as a reflection of you, or as a threat to you. How hard is that to learn?
Teach yourself to see her hotness through the eyes of males admiring her, rather than seeing her as the treacherous vixen coveting other males. The 'coveting' is you, not her, when you're being jealous. That's the thing that's so very hard to outgrow. How do you do this? Sexual contact after a jealous episode, as soon as you cool feelings down enough to trust, and as soon as the anger's gone from you. Talk about the jealousy, but own it as your own. Tell yourself you're betraying only yourself by getting jealous because you're selling your own hotness and worth short.
There's the key. your own sense of worth. Jealousy is also about imagining 'she wants him more than me right now'. well, she may! Just for a nanosecond or a moment, or a day, but that's called being human. And whoever said that we are supposed to be the centre of our lover's worlds 24-7-365! Impossible. If you're like most people, she's not the centre of your universe all day everyday. Ponder that one for a bit. Just cause she's not 'always' your 'hottest' doesn't mean she 'usually is' or 'she's my chosen partner'. It's important to let our loved ones feel safe about admiring other hot people. I have a saying "married not dead" and "window shopping is healthy".
So, in that cluster of sentences, above, there are at least a half dozen self-soothing tools. Write them down. Posted notes. And they *will* fail the first 100 times you get jealous, but if you rehearsed them after each jealous episode, you'll make gains over time.
QuoteRitualise language of love around healing jealousy. Sacredness and vulnerability and trust are so very important when healing jealousy.
This is all invaluable information and something I can definitely get behind. I'll keep in mind that it will fail the first few times but I know with work this is definitely something I can do and something that will help a lot. Especially the parts bolded, this is really something I have to work on.
Quotehow long do you thing outgrowing jealousy takes?
In all honesty, a lifetime doesn't seem out of reach. If that's what it would take then I'm definitely ready, and even less drastic, I would willingly spend years coping with it and dealing with it. It may not ever be fully subsided or erased but to at least get a handle on it would be a huge gift. And I understand that this conversation isn't going to cure me or anything, but as I said before, this is all really invaluable to me and already feels deeply helpful.
As for you story, wow definitely comes to mind, especially for how you coped with everything. I won't pity you but I do admire you greatly for your strength and for your intelligence and insight, I'm not sure I could have ever dealt with a situation like that on my own. I think that's the most challenging thing you've told me though, to try and imagine my loved one in this situation and to eventually enjoy it. That's something that would take a whole lot of work for me. If our relationship ever comes to that, it's definitely something to keep in mind.
Quotehow many kinds of jealousy are there.....think it out loud :) Is there only one kind?
This, I'm kind of unsure about. There must be many variants of jealousy but I'm not so sure they effect me as much as this type, so I can't really bring any other instances to mind.
Quote from: Chaos on July 21, 2013, 06:05:25 AM
I have hot jealousy as well but im good at hiding it when i need to and most of the time jealousy is just from insecurity and fear of abandonment.Regardless of transition or not,i still had this issue and until i can face those things,i will always have them.I have been told im cute when i get jealous BUT i dont like the feeling.All i can say is man,one: dont look at your transition as a cause for it,because im pretty sure thats not an issue.not when it comes to jealousy anyway.I mean i myself realize that people will cheat/lie/leave regardless and i have seen this happen on both sides,so i can say that my transition or before,was never the cause but the person their self.With that in mind,i keep fear of those things *not transition related for me anyway* because of the things i do see i have wrong aka trust issues,and many other things i need to change.I think its a mix of the fighting instinct for what one has worked for but also fear knowing that we do have issues that could push someone away.For example,im not the hottest thing in the world but im a rare heart but if a hot dude comes around,yes i see what he has that i dont,so i get upset and jealous that he fills something i cant.I have gotten very angry and jealous over the smallest things as well and there have been times that i stopped and said *erm did i just do that?* my opinion is that *some* jealousy can be good but i feel that you need *along with myself* to put alot of things to rest and im sure it will make it alot better for you.
We're definitely really similar in how jealousy affects us and the reasonings behind it. I can relate a lot to what you said and I've found myself in similar situations. Hopefully you can find a way to calm your jealousy down a little, it really is such a tough thing to deal with and can be incredibly disheartening.
Quote from: ForWantOf on July 22, 2013, 02:05:11 PM
We're definitely really similar in how jealousy affects us and the reasonings behind it. I can relate a lot to what you said and I've found myself in similar situations. Hopefully you can find a way to calm your jealousy down a little, it really is such a tough thing to deal with and can be incredibly disheartening.
Indeed it can be and hard work but worth it.im glad to give someone you can relate to as far as this goes and i wish us both luck but you are a strong person so i have no worries for you.For me also,im kind of the same way when it comes to sexual interactions.its odd tho that i can have sex when angry as it helps release but when it comes to heart ache/being hurt emotionally,i push people away and depending on how sever the pain is,it could also leave me sick to my stomach at the thought.this *for me* is a reaction to the emotional distress that comes with it and natural.but with me knowing that jealousy alone is due to ME being insecure,i tend to--how do you say? take my cool off time then go about it like nothing happened *regarding sex* i dont see them in a negative light.until proof is given they have done exactly what my fear tells me,then things change for good.of course there is always those *shifty eyes* to make sure your back is covered (in a sense) and that comes with all the scars one gains over a long period of time.i accepted my issues,fears,scars and tho its a hard battle,i have always been honest with those im with seriously *these are my issues and im insecure,so please bare with me and understand,help me to over come them and dont make them worse* thats the least i can do while i try to do just that.Keep pushing forward and as you learn more about yourself,the questions will find their answers
Quote from: ForWantOf on July 22, 2013, 02:01:42 PM
This is all invaluable information and something I can definitely get behind. I'll keep in mind that it will fail the first few times but I know with work this is definitely something I can do and something that will help a lot. Especially the parts bolded, this is really something I have to work on.
In all honesty, a lifetime doesn't seem out of reach. If that's what it would take then I'm definitely ready, and even less drastic, I would willingly spend years coping with it and dealing with it. It may not ever be fully subsided or erased but to at least get a handle on it would be a huge gift. And I understand that this conversation isn't going to cure me or anything, but as I said before, this is all really invaluable to me and already feels deeply helpful.
As for you story, wow definitely comes to mind, especially for how you coped with everything. I won't pity you but I do admire you greatly for your strength and for your intelligence and insight, I'm not sure I could have ever dealt with a situation like that on my own. I think that's the most challenging thing you've told me though, to try and imagine my loved one in this situation and to eventually enjoy it. That's something that would take a whole lot of work for me. If our relationship ever comes to that, it's definitely something to keep in mind.
This, I'm kind of unsure about. There must be many variants of jealousy but I'm not so sure they effect me as much as this type, so I can't really bring any other instances to mind.
morning matey :) thanx for the heads up and kind words. U r way ahead of me at the same age. I did not even get going on this until I was 27. My niece, at 19 was talking to me about this stuff, growing into an awesome human being.
Here's another one I learned:
Jealousy is Hope and Inspiration that haven't opened their eyes yet.I dunno where we came from. U can look at this one either as a creationist or an evolutionary theorist. They're both the same for this one, but seriously, how we are built, we grow fastest from pain, not from happiness. If you look at jealousy as something you want to quell (not avoid or destroy) but, specifically, quell, then you have the magic ingredient for a trans-warp drive engine. Because the fuel for
the engine of motivation to learn is learning how to quell jealousy--internally--by detaching from the environment. You go on an inward journey through wormholes in the mind's eye to new dimensions of self. That's the sci fi metaphor for what you're learning.
I haven't stopped quelling, growing and learning. There is no endpoint to this. It's the first 50 quellings when done properly that accelerate your growth. Each time you quell healthily, you set up for a faster quelling the next time. There is an acceleration at work. So, you can still expect jealousy, but less intense and more quickly resolved.
Self-soothing tools. One day you'll be turned on and grinning ear to ear after your gf was cruised by someone else. And your heart will swell with pride for her (cheer for her successes) and say to her you go girl! Of course you're sexy and beautiful and I'm so happy for your success.
When you can take pride and happiness at her success--then you are also free--to admire other women and be a full being in that regard. You won't need to make stealth looks at girls when you're around your gf. You won't need to keep part of your sexual self secret (and the secrets are part of the base or root cause of jealousy. The reason we keep secrets, in some instances, is because we are ashamed of ourselves for something, and so, the shame is a violation of self-worth and self-esteem. And self-esteem, openness and transparency like a clear bottle of maturing wine is what you need to quell jealousy).
If you want to really get going on this. Take the bull by the horns. Why don't you invite your gf to start opening up to you about men or popstars she thinks are hot (e.g. hugh Jackman HOT or Matt Damon for me is someone I get wobbly kneed about) and begin the work of declaring the shame by declaring of hiding of the sexual self......You can say to her the truth--
I need to learn to let you go a little and be able to feel safe and I need to learn how to accept a basic truth about human nature--we never stop seeing others as hot just because we're married, and I want to outgrow my jealousy by learning how to quell that after I feel jealousy. I'm going to hurt, but I'm going to own that and fix it. Your not hurting me by telling me who you are, I'm hurting me, somehow, and I'm going on a fact-finding, super-sloothe, uber-overdrive healing journey.Kind Regards
morning matey :) thanx for the heads up and kind words. U r way ahead of me at the same age. I did not even get going on this until I was 27. My niece, at 19 was talking to me about this stuff, growing into an awesome human being.
Here's another one I learned:
Jealousy is Hope and Inspiration that haven't opened their eyes yet.
I dunno where we came from. U can look at this one either as a creationist or an evolutionary theorist. They're both the same for this one, but seriously, how we are built, we grow fastest from pain, not from happiness. If you look at jealousy as something you want to quell (not avoid or destroy) but, specifically, quell, then you have the magic ingredient for a trans-warp drive engine. Because the fuel for the engine of motivation to learn is learning how to quell jealousy--internally--by detaching from the environment. You go on an inward journey through wormholes in the mind's eye to new dimensions of self. That's the sci fi metaphor for what you're learning.
I haven't stopped quelling, growing and learning. There is no endpoint to this. It's the first 50 quellings when done properly that accelerate your growth. Each time you quell healthily, you set up for a faster quelling the next time. There is an acceleration at work. So, you can still expect jealousy, but less intense and more quickly resolved.
Self-soothing tools. One day you'll be turned on and grinning ear to ear after your gf was cruised by someone else. And your heart will swell with pride for her (cheer for her successes) and say to her you go girl! Of course you're sexy and beautiful and I'm so happy for your success.
When you can take pride and happiness at her success--then you are also free--to admire other women and be a full being in that regard. You won't need to make stealth looks at girls when you're around your gf. You won't need to keep part of your sexual self secret (and the secrets are part of the base or root cause of jealousy. The reason we keep secrets, in some instances, is because we are ashamed of ourselves for something, and so, the shame is a violation of self-worth and self-esteem. And self-esteem, openness and transparency like a clear bottle of maturing wine is what you need to quell jealousy).
If you want to really get going on this. Take the bull by the horns. Why don't you invite your gf to start opening up to you about men or popstars she thinks are hot (e.g. hugh Jackman HOT or Matt Damon for me is someone I get wobbly kneed about) and begin the work of declaring the shame by declaring of hiding of the sexual self......You can say to her the truth--
I need to learn to let you go a little and be able to feel safe and I need to learn how to accept a basic truth about human nature--we never stop seeing others as hot just because we're married, and I want to outgrow my jealousy by learning how to quell that after I feel jealousy. I'm going to hurt, but I'm going to own that and fix it. You're not hurting me by telling me who you are, I'm hurting me, somehow, and I'm going on a fact-finding, super-sloothe, uber-overdrive healing journey.
Kind Regards
stav
Are we done matey :) feel free to continue as much as you like, but you may have enough info yet?
.....and
types of jealousy
1. territorial/possessively expressed=attempts to use anger and control tools to limit the freedom of others, in order to avoid looking at the self.
2. competitive jealousy=using jealousy as a tool, by doing something to make our loved ones jealous (e.g. flirting with others, deliberately, as strategy to hurt our partners, rather than honest flirtations which are internally referential).
3. alpha jealousy='jealous of the 'other guy' and afraid of losing my partner'.
4. beta jealousy='jealous of my partner's experience of flirting and getting turned on by another person... I want some action too).
make sense?
I think that's a very nice way to wrap things up, and again I couldn't thank you enough for everything you've already taught me. I've already had chances to apply some of the mental lessons you've given me and although it's tough, I know everything will help me greatly.
I actually have everything you've written saved in a little text file for further reading and so I can think about it all some more and certainly in the future. I also hope that somebody else on these forums could take help from your words because they're really quite insightful and all of that. :)
I hope that you can continue to keep a hold on your jealousy and even better yet that you don't have to experience much at all. You're a great guy and you deserve all the happiness and attractive partners in the world haha.
Oh and your niece is incredibly lucky to have you to go to for advice!
So thank you again for everything and I hope you know your words haven't fallen at all on deaf ears, this is all endlessly helpful to me. :)
Quote from: Chaos on July 22, 2013, 02:57:03 PM
Indeed it can be and hard work but worth it.im glad to give someone you can relate to as far as this goes and i wish us both luck but you are a strong person so i have no worries for you.For me also,im kind of the same way when it comes to sexual interactions.its odd tho that i can have sex when angry as it helps release but when it comes to heart ache/being hurt emotionally,i push people away and depending on how sever the pain is,it could also leave me sick to my stomach at the thought.this *for me* is a reaction to the emotional distress that comes with it and natural.but with me knowing that jealousy alone is due to ME being insecure,i tend to--how do you say? take my cool off time then go about it like nothing happened *regarding sex* i dont see them in a negative light.until proof is given they have done exactly what my fear tells me,then things change for good.of course there is always those *shifty eyes* to make sure your back is covered (in a sense) and that comes with all the scars one gains over a long period of time.i accepted my issues,fears,scars and tho its a hard battle,i have always been honest with those im with seriously *these are my issues and im insecure,so please bare with me and understand,help me to over come them and dont make them worse* thats the least i can do while i try to do just that.Keep pushing forward and as you learn more about yourself,the questions will find their answers
I also tend to push people away when I'm in any kind of bad mood, whether it's anger or sadness or whatever. I tend to just shell up and keep all of my problems to myself which is bad. The very first thing I learned about jealousy, and something you mentioned, is being open about it. Being open and communication are essential when you have jealousy issues, seething over it in secret is never the way to go and can be harmful to both parties. Acceptance is also a great help, there's really no use in denying it.
It is really great to finally be able to relate to somebody about all of this and I hope you can do the same or derive some kind of help from this thread. :)
thank you for ur trusty, matey. this was a sensitive topic in many ways.
I hope u come back and let us know how this one plays out for u over time.....and also thank u for allowing us to help you. Ur a good man.
best regards to u - stav
Tristan on Jealousy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFpvjAYHIAQ&list=UU4MYiEgWFWrGWD5LjMUnvKg#)
Jace- Jealousy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xV5jnZ6Artg&feature=c4-overview&list=UU4MYiEgWFWrGWD5LjMUnvKg#)