I read a very good comment from a person that has been transitioning for some time now, and was reflections on 10 things to know that you might have wished to have known before transitioning began.
While all 10 were good reading, a lot of it was also very self evident too perhaps, but, the #1 comment I decided to copy paste, as I often think we fail to really take the idea seriously enough.
quote
1. Brace yourself for beauty culture.
This is especially true for my fellow femme girls, and there's a reason it's #1 on my list. Before I started presenting as female, I had no idea just how toxic beauty culture is in this country. Women are constantly inundated with airbrushed images and messages aiming to tear down our self-esteem and make us feel inadequate. Fashion magazines and the beauty industry make billions every year by exploiting these insecurities with the promise that if we only try harder to be prettier, we too can be happy.
As a trans girl, beauty culture can be especially difficult to navigate, because most of us have haven't been exposed to it very long. Our cis partners and friends have been dealing with it since middle school (if not earlier), and many have had years to develop effective coping strategies, so we DMAB ("designated male at birth") ladies have to make up for lost time, and on top of that, cissexist standards of beauty add another way for us to feel insecure.
It helps to maintain a sense of perspective. Many trans girls, including me, have a habit of romanticizing the cisgender experience. A month or two into my transition, I told my girlfriend that I couldn't wait until I could look in the mirror and see a pretty girl staring back at me. "You realize that's never going to happen, right?" was her response. "You're going to look at your reflection and feel unsatisfied -- just like every other woman." And it's true: Even the most gorgeous of my friends can list a dozen things she'd change about her appearance. So the next time you're feeling unattractive, don't blame yourself; blame capitalism and a beauty culture designed to make you feel that way.
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I think the summary is this.
Actual cis females are constantly told they are ugly, in need of work, need to buy products to make them look better, and marketed to on a constantly basis with clothing that is probably grossly unfair unless life has granted your a perfect body.
Soooo keep in mind, while staring at the mirror, wishing you could look better, prettier, more female, society as a whole, is being constantly told that already.
By joining the ranks of female society, you will be inundated with a message that you are inadequate.
Don't expect the marketplace to have any sympathy for you, it has no sympathy for cis females either.
If you feel ugly, you are not alone.
This is actually something I've been thinking about for around a year now . . . and I don't present as female yet. I can't decide if I'm relieved that the way I feel is kinda expected . . . or terrified at the amount of money I'm going to eventually spend before I realize I've been sucked into that mind set fully. Thank you for the heads up.
Quote from: Miss Bungle on July 20, 2013, 01:12:47 PM
I saw it then and see it now as being so completely pointless. It just makes people insecure and neurotic.
Yes.
And it's a real shame because being proud of your appearance can be one of the biggest confidence boosts for a woman. At least it has for me. When I'm proud of how I look it bleeds into how I feel and how I treat others as well.
I should note that I'm not good looking by any stretch or by anyone's definition, but I'm proud of the effort I put into my appearance. It makes me feel good from head to toe.
As long as I let go of the notions of how I wish I'd look and learn to appreciate the beautiful, strong, flawed woman I am, I feel like I can conquer the world.
Hi Lesley,
Oh you said it girl! I had no idea how many people would feel free to comment on virtually every bit of my "out and proud" appearance. The fashionestas are literally everywhere. From the cut of my hair to the toenail polish I applied this week, people seem quite comfortable letting me know their views. I remind myself that i do indeed like being approachable and not overly PC. We also recognize our cis sisters have been at this for a lifetime. Other women feel free to remind me I wore that same outfit last month! Goodness I am going to need a huge closet and budget for those clothes;-)
Beauty culture also contains a big slice of ageism and I frequently hear that I should be wearing granny length skirts, sensible shoes and a less revealing outfit. Reliving puberty and reclaiming my lost girlhood is part of my transition and I reserve the right to be authentically in search of my own style.
The bigger cultural imperative, it seems, is for all people to resist those unrealistic expectations fostered by a bullying fashion industry that would greedily have us spend fortunes to look like Barbie or Ken.
I am another one who will likely never be passable or pretty but I can be cute and happy and that's good enough for this girl today.
Quote from: Miss Bungle on July 20, 2013, 01:40:58 PM
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I'm quite plain looking and a bit of a frumpy slob to tell you the truth. I see more women around here that fit that label more than anything else. But I'm also in my mid 30s and most people seem to not care all that much when they hit that point of their lives. (Probably from having one or more kids or something like that.)
I love your white top. And that girl you are with is kinda cute too. ;)
I know I had no expectations of my looks . I thought I would still like a boy in a dress but they stress hormones and everything so I did as I was told. If they can make a bum likes look ok I know you can have results just as good :)
I have never hesitated to tell my wife, she's what she is for appearance. I also remind her, the reason I would kill anyone that ever hurt her, is because I married the person, not the body she lives in.
I'm no visual marvel either. I try and be as great a person for her as I can be, because I am not wanting to just be a body she's stuck owning :)
But I am prepared to accept, that there is a world of difference between how men wear clothes and how women wear clothes. There is a world of difference between what a guy needs to do after stepping out of the bath/shower and what is required of a woman. Presuming of course either gender example gives a hoot at all :)
I have met people on the street, that CLEARLY don't care what anyone thinks of their appearance.
Saw that article too. It's true you do have to be careful not to get sucked in, but then getting sucked in a bit is all part of the transition for some myself included. I would see pic's of models like Elle McPhearson and such and be thinking to myself how do i get that figure. Of course i know thats not possible. I have made my expectations of appearence more realistic now. I dont think i will have an issue with passing once i have had some HRT for a while. but im not gonna get that model's figure just not gonna happen. however when i thought about what my figure realistically could be, i came to the conclusion that as long as i stay in shape i may have a figure similar to a female swimmer. Swimmers tend to have slightly broader sholders and tend to be taller with less hip. And if thats anything like what i end up with i will be extremely happy with that. :angel:
My challenges, no hair on top, telling me 'oh some women suffer hair loss' is crap that isn't going to help me :)
No boobs, and again telling me, 'but some women are rather flat' is again, just not helping me.
Girls are generally expected to have hair, and you tend to see 10 year olds with breasts to some extent.
I won't be happy without a hair solution and at least an illusion of an A cup in a bra.
I can learn to live with male pattern weight on the waist, if I merely look like an over weight female in the process. I'd like to be able to wear short shorts, but really, at my age, I'd likely look like an old broad that should know better :)
Eventually I will have the hair angle covered (pun intended), and I can buy breast forms if HRT has nothing to offer me, and then I likely will be able to settle for a skirt made for a plus size woman. Heck I see nothing but plus size women some days.
Have you ever seen one of those "People at Walmart" series of pics? We can't be much worse or less lovely can we?
Challenges are certain and we can just imagine that the people in those walmart photos are so preoccupied by their own glamour that we hardly raise a penciled eyebrow by comparison.
Shop on!