My name is Kevin. I am 25. For about 12 years I have had trouble knowing who or what I am. Around 12 I started to wear my sisters clothes in secrecy that is. I would wear her undies and bras and skirts. When I was alone long enough I would try makeup. I was so confused. Then I saw an article on TV that talked about transsexuals and GID. From that day one I have secretly researched and almost obsessed about it. I don't know for me if it is a fetish thing or if I really have a gender identity issue. I have told no one because I am afraid of what my friends and family and employer my think. As I get older the more stressed I get thinking about it. I am always on edge and unhappy. I have so much built up anger. I cause fight over nothing with my GF. The past few years I have even started to experiment with guys. One thing that make me unsure is I watch a lot of transsexual/->-bleeped-<- porn. That is the only way I can really get off when I masturbate. When I have sex with my GF all I thinking about is me being her receiving it from a guy. Please help. what am I. I wish I had breast. I wish I was able to have sex as a girl. I want to wear clothes as a girl and have people see me as a girl. :(
hi Kevin.I have been exactly where you are now,I experienced the same thoughts,I think you need to have honest,heart to heart talk so to speak with yourself and decide if you want to pursue the female side of yourself and i say female side because from your post you definely have the makings of an transsexual i know this by my experience, I am soo happy now that I decided to be female ,I just noticed your last post Kevin,don't talk about dying but rather living and acceptting yourself as you are an female in an male's body
almost feel like it would be more easy to die and hope to come back at a girl than to tell anyone about this
I know that feeling. I can easily say there are times i did wish i would just die and come back as a guy. I do know your feelings and can say you do have the makings of a TS.
While you are experiencing wanting to becoming a woman. Im the opposite. I want nothing more than to rid the female breasts and have a normal male chest, plus have a dick and be able to sleep with girls or guys as a guy.
We all have those thoughts, and its intense. The way you see yourself in the mirror, dressing, it all says you want to be a girl. I know its a scary thing, to think about others and how they will react. But first, try to be comfortable as possible in your skin. Not easy i know. When you can be alone for a period of time, wear womens clothes, put on makeup and just lounge around the house until your comfortable.
Thanks for the input. just a really stressful time right now.
What you are is someone in emotional turmoil, searching for yourself. *hugs*
It's not really for me to say whether you are, or aren't transgendered. And, to be honest, I tend to prefer people come to those sorts of answers by themselves, since that tends to be much more reliable than me saying whether I think you are or aren't, especially since I don't really know what else is going on in your life, or your past, which may give a clearer idea. I think maybe if it's playing on your mind to such an extent, then a good step to take is to try and make an appointment to see a therapist trained in gender issues. Someone who you can sit down with and get all this out, in confidence. And see what sort of feedback they have.
That being said, I'd like to ask you a few questions, regarding your post. You don't have to answer, but maybe just by thinking about the answers, you might get a clearer idea of the way you feel, and what that means to you.
Firstly, how did you feel when you were wearing your sisters clothes? I understand that you were confused, but did you feel anything else?
Secondly, what is it that stresses you when you think about it? What makes you angry?
Thirdly, you mention watching certain kinds of porn. What is it about that which draws you to it?
As I say, you don't have to answer, but just have a think about it. :)
when I wore the clothes I felt relaxed and comfortable. Kind of turned me on. I would wear them and just lounge around. Wear bras and stuff them. I would tuck myself and wear her undies. I liked making my penis disappear and feel all smooth when I wore them. Just stress with life. not sure why I am so angry. I tend to get more angry the more I think about being my gender issues. I can go a couple days living my male life then I start thinking reading forums then I get angry maybe jealous. I don't know. I would watch ->-bleeped-<- porn. I know we see this as a negative outlook on women. but I watch it and it turns me on. I love the idea of breasts and having sex as a women and being treated as such.
I hope one day I can be half as strong as some of the women here
Quote from: kg85621 on July 29, 2013, 05:23:58 PM
I hope one day I can be half as strong as some of the women here
The strength you need can be found within you. Look for it. It will be there.
Quote from: kg85621 on July 29, 2013, 11:25:41 AM
almost feel like it would be more easy to die and hope to come back at a girl than to tell anyone about this
When a person is gender-variant, it is a difficult path to follow ... but not impossible.
40% of us try to commit suicide. Too many are successful. And there is no guarantee of coming back as anything.
Have you ever looked at the YouTube videos by Jordan Moore (minorqback)? She had been an outgoing, athletic guy who knew that she wasn't really a guy at all. There is nothing stopping you from becoming your true self except your fears.
Jordans great... here is a video that helped me. Jessica is very honest and you may find something here...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpi98CSS2U8&feature=youtube_gdata_player (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpi98CSS2U8&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
Being trans is not something to be ashamed of- its not a choice. Our brains (or at least a critical part of them) physically develop in the womb under the influence of hormones to either a male or female mode. In my case, I did not get enough androgens at that critical juncture and my gender identity developed along the default, female pattern. Later in the womb my gonads developed into testes not ovaries and so my brain and body are not aligned. There is no shame in that.
Its like being ashamed of being born colorblind or having a prominent birthmark.
This mismatch causes immense stress. This can be released by adopting the brains gender role... wearing womans clothes, picturing yourself in that role, playing females in video games. Ultimately many of us transition to remove the vast majority of that stress. Again, no shame. Its our medicine.
Dont panic. Dont hurt yourself or wish yourself dead. Go get a good therapist and just talk. Works wonders.
Good luck... I hope you find your answers.
Emmaline, Thanks for posting this video. I closely parallels my own Journey.