I figured I'd start a new thread based on this and based on the feedback from my "pressure" thread.
So this is the thread about venting about any frustrations of having to "be female". Obviously, if you're having to "be female" then you either haven't started transition yet (or you're early on) or you can't or won't for whatever reason. Just putting that out there. If you're well on your way, feel free to respond with past frustrations you felt.
Consider this a bit of a therapeutic thread where we can all bond over having to deal with the unique situation anyone who's trans has to face at points in their life.
(Here's the one I moved from the other thread.)
Just the other day I had to fill out paperwork for a new dentist and naturally they make you choose Male or Female on the form. And then they add other fun questions, just for "females" about female-only type things (are you pregnant, etc. etc.). And it just got to me. I didn't want to circle either of them honestly because really wtf does that have to do with my teeth? I realize they ask the other questions of females because they do x-rays and that sort of thing, and those questions actually didn't apply to me at all, yet it still made me uncomfortable. Medical things are one of those things that make me uncomfortable regardless though. So it's just one of the "crosses" I bear because of my own choices. But I have seen other guys here, even those in transition, lament about medical forms.
Fortunately I have extremely, extremely supportive healthcare providers (GP, endo, and the psychiatrist I have to keep seeing to get surgery referrals over time) - they've had everything changed to male for a long time, and they were using male pronouns before I started hormones. So I can put male on everything, they just have "F to M" noted in a small section of my history so that if I do have any issue with the parts that are left, they understand that they may have to do tests or whatever. I've often thought about how lucky I am, and really, how weird that is lol, considering that I live in the province that is considered the most conservative of all the Canadian provinces.
But one of the things that was very hard before I physically transitioned, and early on in transition, was that I had two choices: be "female" and have everyone think I was a girl, or come out as trans. I HATED that. I often chose to come out as trans, hoping for understanding, because being referred to as female was horrible. I still get misgendered in certain places, but for the most part that's over and thank God. It'll be a while before I'm unambiguous enough to be left alone.
Quote from: insideontheoutside on August 09, 2013, 09:14:51 PM
I figured I'd start a new thread based on this and based on the feedback from my "pressure" thread.
So this is the thread about venting about any frustrations of having to "be female". Obviously, if you're having to "be female" then you either haven't started transition yet (or you're early on) or you can't or won't for whatever reason. Just putting that out there. If you're well on your way, feel free to respond with past frustrations you felt.
Consider this a bit of a therapeutic thread where we can all bond over having to deal with the unique situation anyone who's trans has to face at points in their life.
(Here's the one I moved from the other thread.)
Just the other day I had to fill out paperwork for a new dentist and naturally they make you choose Male or Female on the form. And then they add other fun questions, just for "females" about female-only type things (are you pregnant, etc. etc.). And it just got to me. I didn't want to circle either of them honestly because really wtf does that have to do with my teeth? I realize they ask the other questions of females because they do x-rays and that sort of thing, and those questions actually didn't apply to me at all, yet it still made me uncomfortable. Medical things are one of those things that make me uncomfortable regardless though. So it's just one of the "crosses" I bear because of my own choices. But I have seen other guys here, even those in transition, lament about medical forms.
Sometimes, certain medications that a dentist might use could be contraindicated for a pregnant female.
Quote from: androidnick on August 09, 2013, 09:35:32 PM
Then having to hear it from my family all the time. "She" "her". It's just terrible.
Right now, this is the thing bothering me the most. My mother feels like it's her destiny to tell me "hey little girl". To be fair, she calls everyone that or "hey little boy", but still it's frustrating. It's even more frustrating when my sisters misgender me. I told one of my sisters that I'm trans but she denies it and will still address me with female pronouns. Currently, I don't mind because she would look crazy if she addressed me as male in public.
I consider my transition path a bit unorthodox because I plan on getting top surgery, yet still live as a female for a certain amount of time (and perhaps go on a low dose of Angrogel). Because it this, it will be hard to explain to my family that I'm trans, but will still live as female. They may not take me seriously.
Another thing that gets to me is when men feel the need to talk to me. It rarely happens but it does happen. It makes me feel really icky, knowing that they see female. Part of me feels helpless when a guy holds the door open for me because I think they are just doing that because they see female. Strangely, I get mad when I guy doesn't hold a door open for me because I'm a germaphobe and hate touching doors haha. I live in the south so part of that could be southern hospitality but still...
Thanks for making this thread insideontheoutside.
I am medically transitioning, but I cannot pass.
I bought a binder because my breasts are a large C. I can pass if I'm wearing the binder but I'm also in extreme discomfort. I HATE wearing tight clothing. I always have, and I always will. However, even a sports bra causes lots of physical and emotional discomfort. Wearing a 'regular' bra is the most comfortable for me BUT it accentuates the fact that I have a very nice rack. Great... totally what I need.
That means that any time I'm around anyone who knows I'm trans, I feel this pressure to extremely uncomfortable. If I don't wear the binder or sports bra I notice these people looking at my chest. I know they can't help it and they're not being obvious about it, but it's a sensitive subject and of course I notice. I feel like hiding in my house for years until I get top surgery.
I'm also using my legal name for school because I have to. Five years ago I chose a female name (Samantha) that I prefer over my legal name because it fits me perfectly. Now that I've accepted being trans I want to go by Benjamin and am in the process of having my name changed. However, I HATE my legal name so much that it actually makes me feel upset whenever someone uses it. Not only does it not fit me, but it's a horrible name that belongs to a soap opera. College doesn't care. I have to use my legal name no matter what. I have to keep writing down that I'm female. I have to keep feeling like everyone's looking at me and assuming I'm a lesbian because I'm trying hard to present as male even if I don't pass. I am not a lesbian! Vaginas are disgusting! I am a gay man and proud of it!
I'm at the tail end of shark week. I've dealt with cramps of death, puking my guts out, pooping my brains out, and everything else that always happens every single time it's 'that time.' I hate my body right now. I've been getting changed in the bathroom so that my husband can't see me naked. Worse part is that I was heavy at night and stained the sheets to the point that I have to throw them out. It's humiliating to the point of making me cry. I hate my body. My husband is sympathetic but incapable of comprehending just how much I hate myself.
I hate it when the pharmacist puts the "Do not take if nursing or pregnant" label on my meds.
And when the nurse asks me about shark week while taking my blood pressure.
"She", "ma'am", "her", "lady", "miss". Ugh.
And having my birth name on job resumes.
Or when my dad tells me I'm the perfect height, because he likes it when girls are shorter than him. (at 5' 1.5", I'm the 'perfect height' for a middle schooler, not a 21-year-old.)
While on a long stretch of driving the other day, the phone rang and I had to answer it for my mother. It was the endocrinologist, following up on the fact that I have cysts in body parts I shouldn't even have. She automatically assumed it was my mother and seemingly ignored my feeble attempts to correct her, so I had to sit there and be misgendered while answering questions about my "daughter" that made me cringe hard. Pissed me off to no end.
Then there's the spam from colleges in the mailbox, addressed to a "Ms. Birth Name". Eww, no. And I'm working on a project with friends to whom I'm stealth, though I wanted an opinion on some programs we were looking at. Had to go by my birth name to the person I spoke to over the phone, and I'm sure he knows me as a girl now, because he's a friend of my dad's. He invited me to bring my friends along to a workshop he's holding and even wants to help put us in touch with people. I can't bring myself to face him as a girl, the idea makes me sick, yet I can't let my team down by passing up an opportunity like this. I feel so selfish.
And then today, the doctor felt the need to tell me what a "brave girl" I am. I would have walked out of the room if not for the gigantic needle he had placed in the capsule of my hip joint. Seriously, no. Bad enough that the computerized system feels the need to make the part of the screen with my info on it pink and put a generic girl avatar on my file.
Went home and checked my e-mails, colleges keep saying they've already "helped" fill out my form. I got angry and changed the boxes on every one to male before closing them all without submitting anything. My blood was boiling from that.
Tomorrow I have a birthday party for a friend whom I haven't seen in a long while. I'm not out to her but it'll be obvious that something is up because I very clearly look male. It's a semi-formal occasion and I hope my mother doesn't make me pick out girl shoes to go with the male/andro outfit I somehow fashioned out of female clothes, because I want to tell her and feel confident in myself, not embarrassed of my attire. I know she'll be nothing but nice about it, and I'm confident in my identity, but it doesn't change the fact that I haven't said anything since first being invited because I'm terrified of coming out again...just the way I'm terrified of coming out to my teachers for fear of my mother unleashing her wrath down upon my head. But I can't go another school year being called "she" and "her" and "miss" and "ma'am" and "young lady", it's not ok. It's not ok for the MRI technician to keep asking me about a bra, either- he knows me by name now (sad, I know) and still doesn't understand that I DON'T WEAR A FREAKING BRA. Of course there's no metal in something that doesn't exist! It's there every step of the way to make me panic and feel horrible about myself, and hopeless. I want to leave my past behind completely and the splitting of my life between stealth, out (small quantitiy) and not out yet (handful of people I haven't seen in a while, doctors, rest of my family) and rejected (parents) situations has given me practice on making sure one group doesn't find anything out from another.
Every time I see parents supporting their transkid, it makes me joyful for them and yet ignites an uncomfortable fire inside me knowing that I could be transitioning medically now, wearing a real binder instead of living in fear of my parents finding my makeshift one with many layers, going on my way to top surgery. The therapy place I go to makes a psych appointment routine protocol, and I am female in the system though my therapist knows I'm trans. The report from the first psychiatrist referred to me in all female pronouns, saying "she believes that she should have been born a boy".
Oh yes, I know the feeling all too well.
Quote from: Liminal Stranger on August 09, 2013, 11:20:40 PM
The report from the first psychiatrist referred to me in all female pronouns, saying "she believes that she should have been born a boy".
I have an urge to punch this person.
You're welcome Malachite.
Quote from: randomroads on August 09, 2013, 10:45:48 PM
I am medically transitioning, but I cannot pass.
I bought a binder because my breasts are a large C. I can pass if I'm wearing the binder but I'm also in extreme discomfort. I HATE wearing tight clothing. I always have, and I always will. However, even a sports bra causes lots of physical and emotional discomfort. Wearing a 'regular' bra is the most comfortable for me BUT it accentuates the fact that I have a very nice rack. Great... totally what I need.
I'm at the tail end of shark week. I've dealt with cramps of death, puking my guts out, pooping my brains out, and everything else that always happens every single time it's 'that time.' I hate my body right now. I've been getting changed in the bathroom so that my husband can't see me naked. Worse part is that I was heavy at night and stained the sheets to the point that I have to throw them out. It's humiliating to the point of making me cry. I hate my body. My husband is sympathetic but incapable of comprehending just how much I hate myself.
I'm lucky enough not to be saddled with C (or worse) moobs but B is horrible enough. The damn useless flesh bags do nothing but get in the way and of course make me uncomfortable when binding. I've managed to find a sort of middle ground with a Velcro binder and shirts that aren't tight but still have to deal with a level of discomfort and of course being hot.
Quote from: Soren on August 09, 2013, 11:27:32 PM
I have an urge to punch this person.
Me too. Liminal, this is very similar to what the first therapist I saw said. She basically told me that I had a disorder and it was a mental disorder where I simply THOUGHT I was in some way male, but that in order to "get better" I would have to accept the reality that I'm female. It was pretty awful.
My mom always says stuff like, "good girl" to me. I accept the fact that she'll never get me ... Never actually understand what happened with me and how I never really was her "daughter". It's okay though, I give my mom a pass, but if other people would say that to me I'd totally lose it. Unless you're a female child of a certain age, a phrase like "good girl" is just ugh I don't even know but it's wrong.
Likewise, the only person that can call me "honey" or "hun" is either an old waitress (for some reason there is a certain type of waitress that can get away with calling even the burliest male alive, honey) and one of my girl friends.
Ma'am usually makes me want to shoot death rays out of my eyeballs. Then again, almost all of my female friends also cannot stand to be called ma'am. I'd vote just to strike that one from the human lexicon all together personally. I get people are kind of saying that to supposedly polite but if it annoys so many people it should just stop being used.
It is kind of annoying when you've come out to someone and then they continue to refer to you as female in private situations (basically any time you're not out in public or with people who don't know).
One of the things that's continued to piss me off over the years is the fact that because I've had all these body issues I never got really physically close with anyone. I never got to "fool around" with people like the people who were fine with their gender/their body did. So I missed all that. The times I'd try it was a major anxiety-inducing act where I pretended I was just somewhere else. When I got older I'd go out with someone and because I was always unwilling to really do anything physically they'd dump me. The only good part is that I was never a "hot" looking female so I didn't get hit on by guys except for a couple times. Because I was even more androgynous and/or male looking when I was younger I did get hit on by girls, which I was fine with, but then it was back to the same old anxiety if anything progressed anyway. I definitely DO NOT like to be treated as a female in those types of situations regardless and it all upset me greatly when I was a kid and people would tell me I would grow up and get married to a man and then get pregnant and have children. Horror movies didn't scare me, but talk like that certainly did! Not to mention that sort of thing just made me rage against not only how much I wasn't a female but how awful it was that people thought that's what all little girls aspired to.
Quote from: insideontheoutside
It is kind of annoying when you've come out to someone and then they continue to refer to you as female in private situations (basically any time you're not out in public or with people who don't know).
story of my life. I came out to my mom, dad, and sister, but not once have they ever called me he or their son ever. its so painful when my mom brings me clothes shopping and we go to the boys section, she helps me pick put a nice outfit for summer (because women have a much better fashion sense, in her words) and yet every time we checked out or talked to one of the people who works in the store, it was always 'for my daughter.' or my dad, who says he's accepting, correcting people a little angrily that 'he has two daughters, and that's it.'
they tell me that they accept me, but I don't believe them... maybe my sister because she at least avoids saying pronouns or 'sister'... and I feel like its my own fault too, for saying I didn't want to transition until I graduated. in my moms mind I think now its that I'm a girl, and in a year, ill be 'living as a boy.'
we've all brought up sucky therapists, so here's mine. she advertised as a gender therapist, I was her first FtM patient ever, after only one MtF patient that she always called he, and then after several months referred me to a different therapist. so it was kind of a waste of money. after the first month when I made it clear I wanted to transition I just wasn't sure when, we almost never talked about trans stuff again, mostly about my friend drama.
but I'm pretty sure my therapist told me mom the 'living as a boy' thing. I don't think she meant harm, I think she meant to simplify it for her, but it just makes me seem more like a girl in my moms mind. she always seemed to explain things to my mom by simplifying too much, and since that came from a therapist I'm not quite sure how to fix it...
Having to suck it up and live in a room with a bunch of females for the next year when I start my apprenticeship. It's sexist, but they don't even look like the type of girls who would be doing engineering, I'd hoped that they'd be lesbians, or on the butch side, but I've seen a couple on facebook, and there's no way I'd decide to talk to them out of my own free will, let alone live with them.
My grandmother being oblivious to the fact that I'm not her precious little girl, and I never was. The rest of my family have managed to get it into their heads that I'm at best a serious butch, my mum brought a load of male toiletries for me to take away, and one of my grandfathers called me "Mr Railway Man". I don't expect her to understand that I'm male without me telling her anything, but surely, after knowing me my whole life she should be able to understand that I'm not the person she thinks I am. At the very least, I've never liked wearing pink, so why buy me more pink?! I feel terrible for throwing all of the clothes she buys me straight into a bin bag behind my sofa, I know I should be grateful, but I just can't be. It's such a waste, but I just can't wear them.
And on the list of things we need to take with us for my new job, it says "swimming kit". When we were shopping for bedding, I walked off because I couldn't cope with getting a swimming costume. It's so utterly humiliating, the thought of being basically naked except for a millimeter or two of cloth, and having to shave to fit into what society says I should be, so I'm not known as the hairy lesbo... It's almost enough to make me bail out, and this is basically my dream job.
Quote from: AlexanderC on August 10, 2013, 10:12:37 AM
I feel terrible for throwing all of the clothes she buys me straight into a bin bag behind my sofa, I know I should be grateful, but I just can't be. It's such a waste, but I just can't wear them.
And on the list of things we need to take with us for my new job, it says "swimming kit". When we were shopping for bedding, I walked off because I couldn't cope with getting a swimming costume. It's so utterly humiliating, the thought of being basically naked except for a millimeter or two of cloth, and having to shave to fit into what society says I should be, so I'm not known as the hairy lesbo... It's almost enough to make me bail out, and this is basically my dream job.
Do you at least donate the clothes to charity instead of throwing them away?
And have you tried a wetsuit thing? Or swim trunks and an under armor type shirt?
Trans problems, don't ya love em'?
Even though I'm about midpoint in my medical/legal transition I know for a fact that I'll never completely get away from certain things. The hospital I've went to for over 5 years now has funky medical records they keep on me. Sometimes they say male, sometimes they say transgender male, and I have seen a handful that refer to me as a "lady". Mind you I have a full beard, so I guess they think I escaped the circus, lol. The most embarrassing though is when I have to have my yearly CT and MRI scans. I have to answer the "any chance you could be pregnant" questions. Now it's not so important and next year I'll attempt to skip those questions but before my hysto I had an IUD that could react with the MRI machines so I had no choice but inform them, "Hey, I have this thing up my va-jay-jay that might not react well with your magnets", ugh.
Quote from: Soren on August 10, 2013, 10:40:44 AM
Do you at least donate the clothes to charity instead of throwing them away?
And have you tried a wetsuit thing? Or swim trunks and an under armor type shirt?
I don't do anything with them, they just sit there. I feel too bad to actually put them into the bin and there isn't a charity shop near me. I don't fancy dragging a bin bag on an hour long bus journey...
I'm sure I'll face the fact that I'll have to find something soon, and might look into those.
Quote from: AlexanderC on August 10, 2013, 06:13:26 PM
I don't do anything with them, they just sit there. I feel too bad to actually put them into the bin and there isn't a charity shop near me. I don't fancy dragging a bin bag on an hour long bus journey...
I'm sure I'll face the fact that I'll have to find something soon, and might look into those.
I say sell the clothes if you can. That way it isn't a total waste.
My mom brought me some female sweatpants and that upset me because I'm trying to downsize the things I have, especially female clothes. I'll probably end up wearing them though.
I'm far enough into transitioning that I don't have TOO much of this anymore, but it crops up in little ways and has an uncanny way of destroying perfectly good days.
I especially hate getting mail with "Ms." in front of my name. Who ever heard of a Ms. Deyan? It's a male name! But I only have my gender marker changed on my state ID, not with social security, so every so often my mail shows up with a totally unnecessary Ms. on it. Ew.
It's also a pain when men try to "ladies first" me as I'm waiting to get on a bus or through a door. I once had a guy get so indignant when I said "no, that's okay-- I'm not a lady" that he tried to pick me up and put me in the bus by force!
Oh God, the joys of a transgender life...! I'm at least slightly glad I'm not alone. It was so recognising to read all of this.
And yes, I agree, punch that therapist!
My mum also constantly says stuff like "You sweet girl" etc. and always when I react like "Hmmpfh" (= not enthusiastic) she starts hugging me, and trying to 'comfort' me and saying "GIRL" way too often. Like "Ohh, girl, girl, girl, you're so sweet. So cute. I'm so glad you're my daugher. You're the best girl I ever had." and though she means it nicely... I cannot stand this dump of pink, flowery, girly sweetness onto me. Makes me want to shout "I AM NO GIRL!" but I never did and prolly will never do that...
She's also a real feminist, lol, and I'm okay with that, but sometimes it gets a bit annoying. Like when one of my friends says "Hey man!" to me (not even in the sense of acknowledging me as a guy, but just like "Hey guys", etc. I say "hey dude!" to one of my friends all the time too, and she just says 'dude' back, hehe. It's just a joke, but I still like it), and my mum is all like "Man? Well no, you won't ever me a man." When she says that I almost feel like crying (I don't cry that much), it's one of the worst things she can say, without even KNOWING it! *headtodesk*
And lately, someone called for my dad. I just answered with "Hello" not with "Hello, this is *birthname*" (sometimes I also answer with "Hello, with *family name* because they usually want my dad anyway) and the person on the other end was eventually like "You are... his... daughter?" *sorta hestitant* and I REALLY felt like saying "No, his son" but couldn't. (wouldn't have been so smart probably, but still...)
Having a straight male partner. He will insist on seeing me as a girl, even though he knows full well I'm not. All the things about my body that I hate, he likes.
Oh, and the random massive haemhorrages are fun too. I'm typing this in bed, high as a kite on industrial strength painkillers. But I'm not yet bleeding enough to pass out, so that counts as a win.
My frustrations with being female and similar to what everyone said above.
I hate the double standards--like how it's always okay for my brothers to act a certain way or do certain things, though it's not okay for me (and of course, I am also allowed to act certain ways and do things just because I am viewed as being female). I don't like how some people like to protect me because I am viewed as being female (like at work, we keep all our closed files and really old wills in the basement. One of the partners, who's like 85 years old, actually says that the secretaries (all females) aren't allowed in the basement, that if we need something that we should ask one of the men to go and get it for us). While our basement is really scary and filled we spider webs and dead mice, things like this get on my nerves. >:( Haha, good luck getting one of our male coworkers to go into the basement for us! :D
Quote from: AlexanderC on August 10, 2013, 10:12:37 AM
Having to suck it up and live in a room with a bunch of females for the next year when I start my apprenticeship. It's sexist, but they don't even look like the type of girls who would be doing engineering, I'd hoped that they'd be lesbians, or on the butch side, but I've seen a couple on facebook, and there's no way I'd decide to talk to them out of my own free will, let alone live with them.
Don't be so quick to judge, engineering isn't just for men and "manly women". You might have a lot to talk about if you go in with an open mind. ;) That's part of the reason why so many women avoid the sciences, because people just assume they should be just like men.
Quote from: LearnedHand on August 11, 2013, 03:29:52 PM
Don't be so quick to judge, engineering isn't just for men and "manly women". You might have a lot to talk about if you go in with an open mind. ;) That's part of the reason why so many women avoid the sciences, because people just assume they should be just like men.
I know, just the girl who was on my engineering course I spent the last year doing didn't do much to dispel the myth and quit after about 4 months to be a vet specialising in fish or something weird like that. And well, I struggle to get on with anyone my age, especially girls. I don't think they appreciate my humour lol.
QuoteI know, just the girl who was on my engineering course I spent the last year doing didn't do much to dispel the myth and quit after about 4 months to be a vet specialising in fish or something weird like that. And well, I struggle to get on with anyone my age, especially girls. I don't think they appreciate my humour lol.
If they're not cut out to be engineers they'll drop out soon enough. If they are, you'll have something in common.
Pretty much everything everyone has said so far... I'm pre-everything so it's really hard for me.
Worst (social) things;
-having doctors ask me if I'm pregnant/when the last time I had sex was, and then refuse to believe me when I tell them I've never had sex (I suppose this is also partially a problem of being ace). I get major dysphoria from being asked the pregnancy question, and last time I went I was asked three separate times. This is why I don't go to the doctor.
-at work, everyone refers to me as "Miss," and my birth name is posted on the outside of my cube.
-everyone besides my small group of friends refers to me by female pronouns
-guys open the door for me and say "ladies first," and I have to stand there for about five solid minutes convincing them that I'm not going through the door first now that they've said it. Plus the accompanying weird looks.
-when the hairdresser tells me that there's nothing she can do to make me look less feminine because I've just got a feminine face (a good hairdresser should know how to downplay certain features, even though that is true)
-in high school, I got prom dress catalogs mailed to my house two years in a row (with "Ms." in front of my birth name, no less), even though my sister in her years never got any.
I'm not going to go into the physical issues and dysphoria, because frankly I would be here all day.
I hate that my dad seems to treat me more like a girl now. Whenever I want a shirt, he always asks if they've got it in a woman's. if he gets me a souvenir its always blue with rinestones because he doesn't seem to understand I want a boys shirt, not just a non-girly one.
I really think he just thinks I'm a lesbian...
Quite frankly, I think my biggest problem will be my mom. I know my in-laws already don't like anything to do with trans* but I can ignore them/disassociate from them. Anyway, my mom, I doubt even if I'm a guy to the entire world, she will always think of me as her "little girl". As her only daughter and her last child she could physically have, she's always been fond of me especially. (It's not to say she dislikes my brother, she just likes us for different reasons but we are both her kids.) She would never call me by any other name than she gave me. Part of me feels bitterness and the other part feels heartbreak.
She's always been my ally but unfortunately, there are times she's completely been in denial about things that don't fit her perception of me. When she found out I wanted to date only girls, she rejected it and still sticks that I can't possibly be attracted to girls since I married a man* and had a child. My fear is just her persistence to stick to her perception of me my completely alienate me from her as my transition becomes me pronounced.
*- my wife is MTF
a few things:
friend: oh my ___ you look so pretty! <#
me: ...thanks. ( note none of my friends think im trans nor know, but i feel so weird being called pretty. like, hey that's not what im going for, handsome of you look good or something not as frilly as pretty for god's sake OTL)
Friend: can i do your hair all up in curls?
me: no.
friend: how about make up?
me: nu uh.
repeat steps 1 and 2 for eternity.
friends collectively: let's go shopping!
me: ...........
friends: we'll make __________ look girly.
me: ............
friends: and then go get food.
me: ok.
for the food.
Using the fact that I'm 'female' to explain why things are the way they are. Or, "Oh hey, you're a girl, you should use
this because what you're looking at is for
men." Right... :icon_rolleyes2:
Quote from: AlexanderC on August 10, 2013, 10:12:37 AMAnd on the list of things we need to take with us for my new job, it says "swimming kit". When we were shopping for bedding, I walked off because I couldn't cope with getting a swimming costume. It's so utterly humiliating, the thought of being basically naked except for a millimeter or two of cloth, and having to shave to fit into what society says I should be, so I'm not known as the hairy lesbo... It's almost enough to make me bail out, and this is basically my dream job.
I went to a water park a couple weekends ago and wound up wearing a pair of my friend's board shorts and one of his shirts. I was worried I'd stick out like a sore thumb, but there were a bunch of people - guys and girls - wearing shorts/shirts. Maybe that could be an option?
I'm pre-everything and I have a very short, feminine disposition...and everyone feels the need to call me "cute" or "adorable". Every time I show that it makes me mad, it's like they all just assume I'm being tsundere about it or something. It never crosses their mind that I legitimately find it irritating, or maybe it does and they just don't care. I mean, those kinds of "compliments" are fine if I'm wearing girly clothes (eh, sometimes I'm in the mood. Dresses are pretty, what can I say) but when I'm just going about my day it makes me physically cringe.
And we recently got back from a trip visiting my family in the midwest. I was called a "grown woman" so many times I felt like I was gonna start twitching and snarling at everything that moved.
I'm out absolutely everywhere, and pretty much everyone has been awesome - especially at work. Even my favourite colleague (who used to greet me with a hearty "Hello, lovely lady!" every morning) is so accepting that she's offered to throw me a 'T' party when I start on hormones in a couple of weeks' time. I count myself as fortunate to have this much acceptance and support.
But my immediate family is a problem. By mutual agreement, my teenage daughters still address me as 'Mum' because that's what they've always known me as. But I'll soon be on T and I know there'll come a stage where it'll be just plain weird for them to call me 'Mum' when I clearly won't look or sound like anyone's Mum... and we've agreed that we'll pick a new name for them to call me at that stage.
But until then, they keep calling me 'she' left, right and centre. They are the only people in my life who ever call me 'she' these days. And despite several gentle (and not-so-gentle) corrections, they just keep on doing it. *Sigh*. I'm just going to have to wait for T to do it's work, and my family will catch up eventually.
Another thing my family does which really hurts me: I cry very easily, due to the effects of *&%$@ oestrogen. So every time something emotional happens on the telly, my family all turn to stare at me and they all say "Awww... are you crying?". Yes, I am crying, darn it. I don't want to cry, but right now I don't have a choice. I've always hated the fact that I'm so easily moved to tears - I feel it emasculates me - but until I've been on T for a while there isn't a single thing I can do to change it. I just wish they'd let me have some dignity by not making such a song & dance of it all the time.
Another little fun thing for me is that Shark Week commences with a hellacious migraine every single month, and it lasts for around two weeks non-stop. I'm in the middle of my migraine phase right now, which is why I've been quiet here lately. My GP wanted to put me on birth control pills to even out my hormones so that I wouldn't suffer from migraines any more, but there's no way on Earth I'm putting that stuff into my body.
Oh, and of course there was the GIC doctor who confidently told me that I must've been routinely mistaken for a lesbian in high school, because apparently all FtMs are mistaken for lesbians because we're all obviously attracted to girls. Er... no Doc, I was never mistaken for a lesbian: it was quite obvious that I've always been attracted to guys so nobody ever thought I might be gay. It just so happens I'm a Kinsey 6, but not in the way the doctor thought I must've been in High School. A fact that would've been in the notes he got from my therapist, who noted that I'm exclusively attracted to men.
I hate that being short as a girl = adorable/cute. So I have been called cute many a time. I am not cute! Far from it. But some people insisted on calling me cute. I wanted to rip their spines out and slap them in their faces with it. Raaaage!
I also hate being less strong/fast than guys. When I was still in primary school, girls and guys were alike. We all played together. We did gymclass together, and we could evenly compete. But during puberty, hormones were mean to me and I got a fat butt/thighs + tumors on the chest while all the guys grew tall and strong. In secondary school they were faster and stronger and this made me incredibly sad. What did I do to deserve that?
What I disliked that girls have to be protected more. Sexual predators are a danger everywhere, after all. So when I was living with my parent still and was closeted, they never really wanted me to go outside alone when it was late at night. My older brother was allowed. It felt so wrong to have my freedom taken like that just because I was physically a female.
And yes, my family and pronouns do not mix well together either. But maybe in the future, eh?
I went to a small get-together with my friend yesterday. She's amazingly supportive of me, and I'm eternally grateful for that, but I'm not out to everyone at my school, and whaddaya know- someone I wasn't out to was there. Oh joy. She goes, "Hi [birthname]!" and proceeds to explain that "she was in English class with me last year and she this and she that". I don't know who this "she" person is, but I know I was mad as heck. Worst part is, I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it because my mother had just finished having a meltdown in the car after a psychiatrist suggested allowing me a complete social transition in order to determine whether or not this is something that I truly want and need. An RLE test, if you will.
But no, that'd be too rational. My mother told me that I was ripping her child away from her, and if any person tries to do that, she's going to put up a fight. Just now, she started bothering me about the psychiatrist because she thinks the woman is an idiot, and told me how she told her "Her neurologist...". At that my hands clenched into fists and I tore the plastic bag covering a vanity (sitting in the living room because no one will install it where it goes), and now she's ranting about how I need to be locked up in a mental hospital. But she's allowed to throw tantrums. Thing is, I need her to grow up so that I can actually socially transition and not live between out/stealth and closeted out of fear that a teacher will contact her about something (like parent-teacher conferences or if I get sick or something) and she'll flip out. If I don't end up having a medical gap year to be stitched back together the best they can, I'll be in college in about a year. I don't want to apply as a female, and yet through her stubborn behavior I haven't the slightest chance of legally changing anything, not name, not gender designation. Not before I'm 18.
I may need to live with her after that magic number as well, because my body as it stands is deteriorating via injuries all over the place. Speaking of which, the orthopedic proceeded to tell me that being young and "female" meant the surgery'd go better. When I asked him why, he said it's easier to get into the joint in a female because they're more flexible. It wasn't the statement that bothered me so much as the fact that he asserted it as all females and made sure to tell me that I'm included in that group. Trust me, buddy, overcompensating tendons are going to make my hip a surgeon's nightmare to get into. Easier my foot.
I can second getting ma'am'd and young lady'd and other stuff like that. It makes me cringe or titch when I don't know how correcting the person will go over.
Having to use a woman's restroom is always a *Sigh, hope no-one else is in there* sort of thing. I don't get why girls talk to each other there.
Same goes for their "times" -- why do they want to talk about that? Just-- Really?
Then there are the people who don't take you seriously. I have one friend like this, whom I haven't exactly come out to yet, but haven't exactly been quiet about it. This conversation happens every now and then, and it gets to me.
"[Given Name] you're such a girl!" "I'm not a girl." "Shut up~ Yes you are!" "[Name], I'm not a [freaking] girl."
And then the person who will always call me by my given name because she says that's who I am. I can kind of understand this, because I do consider my given name to be important to me, but by all means am I changing it, and it doesn't really fit me as a person.
As non-binary, being able to wear the clothes I want and still be taken for what I am. Just because I wear the occasionally really feminine outfit doesn't mean I'm a chick or that my appearance the rest of the time automatically doesn't matter.
My chest. Gods, my chest. As much as I'm uncomfortable in it, there are times when I don't think I would mind it as much if it weren't an exclusively female thing. Or if it were, say, A and I could fit into things better without wanting to bind (only one cup down, but still).
Having rather crappy lungs and an overly sensitive torso, anything that wraps around my chest/ribs is going to cause discomfort and breathing issues.
Not finding clothes that fit, or at least fit well, that are in the men's section.
Being barely 5' tall. Apparently being petite is a good thing for women? I'm hoping that, if I do ever happen to start T within the next few years, I'll still be close enough to puberty to get an extra inch or two, at least.
To add with that, missing out on a growth spurt at all. It's like I rolled life's dice and lost a turn. :(
Skeletal and muscle issues. Only my legs have a lot of strength in them, and my arms are weak as heck. Also issues with the dispersion of body fat, having wide-ish hips, aforementioned height...
Having teams for guys/girls in sports. Also, as a general gripe, in high school women's football was called Power Puff Football. Because apparently the concept of women playing football needed to have a fittingly ridiculous name. *Rolls eyes*
Training my voice to get low and still be able to speak naturally, only to have it get higher as start I forgetting to maintain it while talking, then not wanting to use certain vocabulary because it's primarily used by women of gay males.
The whole "Ladies first" thing. Guh. It's even worse that the people who've told me that, so far, were trying to be nice. Kind of hard to put them down for that.
Oh,you guys should've seen the crestfallen look on my face after this convo while I was leaving a grocery store:
Random lady: "Sir! Do you mind helping me with these bags? They're too heavy for me to put them in my car."
Me: "Sure, ma'am! I'd be happy to!"
When she hears my high voice and sees I have boobs/look like a girl from the front, she looks embarrassed and tells me she'll just wait on a MAN to do it for her.
Ouch, serious burn there. I also worry, even if I'm on T, not much will change in that regard.
Quote from: wolfduality on August 16, 2013, 01:58:01 AM
Oh,you guys should've seen the crestfallen look on my face after this convo while I was leaving a grocery store:
Random lady: "Sir! Do you mind helping me with these bags? They're too heavy for me to put them in my car."
Me: "Sure, ma'am! I'd be happy to!"
When she hears my high voice and sees I have boobs/look like a girl from the front, she looks embarrassed and tells me she'll just wait on a MAN to do it for her.
Ouch, serious burn there. I also worry, even if I'm on T, not much will change in that regard.
Oh man that sucks. Not too long ago I bought a piece of small furniture (it might have weighed 30 lbs). I rolled my SUV up closer to the store and was going to put it in the back when some random guy comes up and goes, "here let me help you with that" proceeds to pick up the piece and put it in the back. Meanwhile, all I could muster was, "Gee thanks". He just looked at me funny and walked on. I get that he was just being "nice", but within that, he was also assuming I'm some weak little female that needed the help of a man. Which is so much b.s.! Unless I saw someone actually struggling I wouldn't offer to help. Or I'd at least ask them, "do you need some help with that?" and if they said, no, just accept that, not just foist myself on them in a "helper" capacity.
When someone calls me "she" "her" "girl" OMG i feel like screaming at them even though i am a tomboy most of the times at work the guys always say ladies first well whoever come up with this ladies first crappy line was probably a pervert who wanted to check out the girl's butt
Recently when i was in wal-mart and wearing all black (since i havent started binding) i had sunglasses on so this cashier comes looks at me and then rings everything and tells me the total and aske dhow would you like to pay? I said "with visa" and she was like omg i thought you were a guy and laughed
Ohh i was soooooooooooo mad that stupid comment of hers ruined my entire day :(
Today me sister randomly told me that I'm her sister and that she loves me for who I am. It's so ironic because she denies who I truly am. She knows I'm a miserable person that dislikes nearly everyone but she would rather accept that as long as I remain female than to be happier as a man.
Going for a pelvic ultrasound today to get two cysts checked out in parts that shouldn't exist. Yay. Bad enough that the newest orthopedist we saw had to tell me that I'm a beautiful young girl, and examined me like a sexual abuse victim made out of Venetian glass.
I am not a sexual abuse victim made out of Venetian glass.
You need to examine my hip mobility, don't make it awkward by asking if you can touch my leg. Of course it's going to hurt but it's an examination, I'll suck it up and deal with it just the way you attempted to use another part of my anatomy that shouldn't exist to judge whether or not my bones are still growing. They are, by the way, thanks for asking. And you know what, there really isn't much to see if you accidentally expose part of my chest while examining my shoulder. You can even feel the instability in the joint without even looking at it in the first place, no need for the whole CIA-type mission to avoid potentially showing a bit of flesh. This isn't the Antarctic, no one's getting frostbite.
None of this would be nearly as bad if people just knew, or in my mother's case, accepted the facts. I swear, it's going to take a herculean effort not to lose it if someone decides to remind me today that they think I'm a girl.
Liminal Stranger, I know any exam of those parts we should have and don't want is hard, but better see what the problem is and take care of it before it gets worst. I want to get all those parts taken out as soon as I have the money. I hope for the best for you; let us know how everything turns out?
They're just cysts. I know things always have to be checked, but that's all there is to them. The technician seemed to think that telling me I'm just young and I'll get over my extreme dislike of those body parts and being questioned about them would somehow help. I don't care how many daughters someone has or what they went through as a kid, she's not me and couldn't possibly know how I feel. It makes me furious when people assume things and make a situation worse by unwittingly saying all the wrong things. I wish my mother would stop being a transphobic, immature person and let me inform the so they could at the very least tag my file so people could understand why they shouldn't call me a beautiful young girl.
Some part of me wants to keep them until further research is done on the supposed "reprogramming" of gonads, and the other demands that they be out immediately. Top, though, I need gone ASAP. I don't want to hear another word from my parents about it being self-mutilation, it's taking all my effort not to let out an inarticulate scream of pure rage until my throat is raw. There is no reason for me to continue putting up a facade of being female, doesn't work for me at all.
At driving school, the male instructor said that we could all go out for lunch, but he has only one request, that the ladies must have a partner to go with but the guys can go alone because if someone bothers them they can just "kick their butt and return back to the class". Then he says "I have two daughters" that he's protective of. Earlier he opens the door for my mom and me saying "ladies first" ugh.
And my mom feels like I should have the internal know-how of watching kids because "I'm female."
Quote from: Malachite on September 05, 2013, 05:29:13 PM
At driving school, the male instructor said that we could all go out for lunch, but he has only one request, that the ladies must have a partner to go with but the guys can go alone because if someone bothers them they can just "kick their butt and return back to the class". Then he says "I have two daughters" that he's protective of. Earlier he opens the door for my mom and me saying "ladies first" ugh.
And my mom feels like I should have the internal know-how of watching kids because "I'm female."
ugh, that sort of behavior drives me crazy (I don't really care about does, but the over paternalistic bs).
It was driving me crazy then too. The instructor is also a coach and gym teacher and very "macho" so I'm thinking that kind of explained it a bit more for his situation.
I don't remember if anyone has said this one yet or not but one of my least favourite things about having to be female is a simple word
ma'am
that word is awful. I don't know why I hate it so much more than lady, woman, girl, she, etc. but for some reason it's the biggest knife. There are plenty of ciswomen who hate this word too so why is it still used so much? Ugh.
Quote from: CursedFireDean on September 05, 2013, 10:32:10 PM
I don't remember if anyone has said this one yet or not but one of my least favourite things about having to be female is a simple word
ma'am
that word is awful. I don't know why I hate it so much more than lady, woman, girl, she, etc. but for some reason it's the biggest knife. There are plenty of ciswomen who hate this word too so why is it still used so much? Ugh.
I used to work at a hotel and a casino/resort, we were expressly forbidden from calling women "ma'am". It's "miss" no matter the age (and boy, do the older ladies love it!). I dislike being called "ma'am" too, I used to always get called miss, but lately, I've been getting the "ma'am". I must be starting to look old or something.
Does the fact that I'm pretty sure I have endomitriosis count? Because I hate cramps with all my heart. If it doesn't, I hate that I have to hide my boy clothes because girls don't wear those kinds of clothes...
Quote from: CursedFireDean on September 05, 2013, 10:32:10 PM
that word is awful. I don't know why I hate it so much more than lady, woman, girl, she, etc. but for some reason it's the biggest knife. There are plenty of ciswomen who hate this word too so why is it still used so much? Ugh.
I am guilty of doing this constantly. I call nearly every female mam. I was always raised to call people mam and when I was in JROTC, I called my female superiors mam because I had to so it just stuck with me but I noticed that many times I do call people mam, they don't like it. The negative reception sometimes baffles me, especially with me trying to be a "southern gentleman".
Quote from: Malachite on September 05, 2013, 10:52:22 PM
I am guilty of doing this constantly. I call nearly every female mam. I was always raised to call people mam and when I was in JROTC, I called my female superiors mam because I had to so it just stuck with me but I noticed that many times I do call people mam, they don't like it. The negative reception sometimes baffles me, especially with me trying to be a "southern gentleman".
It's not so bad coming from someone with a nice southern drawl like I'd imagine you have Malachite. Everyone I know with a southern accent uses "ma'am" all the time, so we know it's not that you're calling us old ladies, it's a part of the southern culture or something. Now, getting called "ma'am" by a young kid with a Boston accent just isn't the same.