I'm not on hormones yet.
Today I stole a bunch of my mom's menopause pills because I was sick and tired of being so scared and panicked and feeling like a ticking time bomb 24/7. I was absolutely desperate and terrified. I couldn't stand a single day more where I'm not on hormones.
I took two. Yeahh I self medicated, sue me. You try being in my shoes for five seconds.
My mom noticed them missing which resulted in both her and my father screaming at me that they will never pay for my hormones and that I need to get a job.
My father then proceeded to rub it in my face about how I have a cleft chin and a manly build. Which really isn't THAT bad. My cleft chin isn't that noticeable (would be almost unnoticeable with makeup) and I actually have a decent waist and hips and butt for not being on hormones. I can get semi-passable. Look at my picture. I'm still pretty disgusting now though and that'll get worse every waking second I'm not on hormones. Which horrifies me constantly. I honestly never have a time where I'm not stressed. The only reason I can get any sleep is because I sleep wearing a bra, panties, and a cami.
I was hoping and praying that they would pay for my hormones for the sake of my mental health. The idea of working or being put in social situations in guy mode absolutely terrifies me..
But as a woman I'd be happily working and going to college. I'd actually be comfortable with myself and want to meet people. BUT NO. I HAVE TO BE PUT THROUGH ****ING HELL BEFORE I CAN HAVE HORMONES.
So it looks like the only way I can transition is if I work... In guy mode.
Can anyone offer me tips on how to deal with having to be out in public and working in guy mode?:/
Jobs where there's as little as possible social interaction?
Sorry about the caps by the way. I'm still frustrated and scared out of my mind. :'(
Hi Hon,
I understand your pain. Menopause pills will have none or very little effect on you so they aren't worth taking!
The way I worked as a guy was to keep myself as feminine as possible, no bady hair, polished nails, nice soaps, moisturise my skin, had my eyebrows trimmed, pierced ears. I don't think I fooled anyone in to thinking I was a guy, but to be honest most people don't give a damn and ignore you anyway.
I would also sit down and make a plan. Where are you going to be in 6 months in this journey, what do you need to get there and start getting the ideas and plans together.
One thing that is a universal truth, no one but yourself can take you through this journey. You need you. You are responsible for it all and so you have to get the plans together and face them and do it. The strength we acquire fro doing that is what we need to keep us going.
I know a lot of trans*people and I admire them for their strength and determination. I had a meeting with a very senior endocrinologist who treats children with trans*problems and he stated publicly that one of the things he admires and that drove him to help was the determination and drive that we have to face our terrible burden and to overcome it.
You need to get that drive into your life, and you can do it.
Hugs
Cindy
I don't know how much this will help, but I have been of the mindset that I am who I am. As a woman, I usually wear tshirts and jeans so there really isn't much a difference between guys and gals.
What I normally do, as well as another TG who works there, is I don't show alot of my fem side but as I make friends. Let them see what kind of a worker you are. As you get established as someone they can rely on, test the waters, a braclette or belt. Small things something that can be easily explained.
*Ex. I wear my derpy stuff now at work, which is an over-testosterone man pit, but since I have alies and am a good worker. no one really says much. They just say, "That's just how he is." Once your established then you can start to gauge how your co workers will react to someone who is TG and then move on from there.
I know it's hard to deal with the public, but being TG you just have to reach your point of saying, "f*** it. I am going to be me." Don't know how much it helps, but Maybe you can pull something out of it.
When I was working in guy mode, I prayed for courage and prayed for acceptance.
Since I'm not too sure about God, I prayed to my inner strength. It worked just as well.
I prayed for courage to do what I know I needed to do. I prayed to be able to accept that my transition can move only at the pace that reality dictates.
You're in a difficult situation, Roxanne. But you have, within you, the strength you need to take care of yourself and move forward. You only need to find it.
What I did when I had to go to work in guy mode was to wear women's clothing that looked uni-sex. ie. I wore all women's clothing all bought in the women's department. No-one could tell, but I knew, and that was enough to get me through the days.
Anyways ,transition is a tough business and you will have bad days. You will have to do things you'll feel uncomfortable with (like going to work in guy mode). I remember days when it all seemed impossible and I just wanted to throw in the towel. There were days at work when I just wanted to throw myself to the floor and bawl my eyes out. Somehow, in the end I made it through, and so will you if you are willing to accept that it's going to be bad at times.
You really should get yourself a job. In my opinion transition shouldn't be just about changing our gender expression. It should also be about growing as a person and bettering ourselves. So far, the energy and determination I experienced during my transition has been unmatched in my life thus far. Before my transition my life was a total mess. Especially financially. In order to get what I wanted I had to work hard. Really really hard. I worked 12-14 hour days 6-7 days a week for more than a year, and you know what? It was the best thing I ever did. I started out as an extra on Saturdays, but because of my tremendous go-get/can-do attitude I ended up being promoted to company manager in less than two years O_O Within 5 years I had all my financial troubles sorted out.
Exploit your transition and work on bettering yourself for the future. More likely than not you will never have an opportunity like this again.
Firstly, I am sorry, but just screw what Your father said to You. Judging from Your pic, You are not at all manly built and having a slightly cleft chin - OMG, just google "cleft chin famous women" and there's gonna be plenty of persons. I was told the same thing - Your face is too manly, just look at Yourself in the mirror, You gonna make an ugly woman etc. So I lost ~ 12kg, did initial laser hair removal and was onhormones for only 3 months, when I got "miss'ed" for the first time. I did not believe this would happen, since I am 35 y.o. and missed most deadlines. You will do even better!
Now, about those dresses. I dunno how big Your dysphoria is, but on hormones the disgust towards male clothing will grow bigger. I never believed that until I experienced that myself - looking in the mirror and seeing myself in suit just makes me cry. Soft skin v. dark fabric just looks very depressing. At least, I dont have to be in suit or for Goddess sake - uniform - daily. So what I am doing - as previous posters mentioned - I am shifting towards uni-sex/andro fashion style. I am allowed to wear jeans and casual outfits, so its slim fit jeans for usually with some small tidbits that they might even look like they are female. I tend to skip T-shirts now, because I look weird in female ones and male Tees make me cry - if I pick S size my bewbs start to peek through the fabric, but if I take M then I suddenly look more manly in them. Buttoned tops all the way for me, but I am also trying to pick those, which have a slight hint of femininity in them, be it the colour, shape or some other nuances. Its kinda hard to explain, but You know it the moment You see it :). So yeah, all that and maybe a necklace or pendant under the shirt and I can live with that :).
I got to a point where I couldn't bear to actually live or see anyone if they saw me as a guy, and refused to do anything. I had therapy, and anti-depressants, and eventually I got out of the abyss. And when I finally started school again, I realized: I don't have to be a "real" guy; I don't have to make things worse than they are; I don't have to repress my own feelings so much.
From that point on, I quit any remaining attempt or sign of trying to be a "real" guy. I bought all of my jeans and sneakers in the women's department, choosing stuff that was women's, but not too girly (can't exaggerate - not looking for laughs either), carrying an anime messenger bag as a purse (ah, the relief of being able to carry stuff), and growing my hair out. I also stopped trying not to sound too feminine, because not only did attempts fail, but they made me feel awful. And I stopped repressing my own behaviour to a point where I was constantly torn between how it made me feel and how I didn't want to be looked at weird.
And guess what. Of course I was looked at weird. Of course I didn't quite fit in. But every single issue got much better than before. Because I was allowing myself to be myself more, and because happier people attract less crap. I didn't made any more friends than the void I had before, but I definitely became a friendly acquaintance of many of my classmates'. And most of my other issues were toned down because I was locking myself in less.
Now, things weren't perfect, but they became very tolerable. If not for the fear of testosterone worsening things further and further, I wouldn't have yearned for HRT all that urgently. I was almost happy (most of the time, eh), and that near-happiness allowed me to function. Whereas I had quit school three times in a depression, because I couldn't bear my life anymore, I got through a full year of school until I got HRT. And I started a new program, which I liked. And then I went through another year and a half, on HRT (low dose) but still living as a "guy".
People were muttering and arguing about my gender, and to be honest, that was heaps better than them being certain that I was a guy. Even, heck, if I had winter clothes to hide my lack of a feminine figure, beard shadow and hairy arms, at some point I started passing as a girl to almost everyone. Which greatly increased my confidence (it went from nothing to almost nothing - hey, no spitting on an improvement!)
And now, my name change done, my breasts still absent but probably (hopefully) coming in soon after a recent HRT dose increase and my facial hair partly gone (I ran out of money), I'm starting school again on the 26th, as a girl. And the coming-out process will have been made a lot easier by my classmates having already accepted me as a fake/girly guy (gotta admit it did take them a little while, because, well, girly guys are harder to accept than boyish girls apparently), I'm sure.
Now, uhm, birth control pills, as far as I know, are not even remotely useful for you. Those are progestins, right? Progestins' efficiency in trans women is highly debatable, but what's certain is that without estrogen they're absolutely useless. Not to mention that "progestins" that CAN be useful to trans women (according to the half of scientists who think they can be useful to begin with) are not "progestins" as a whole but progesterone, the molecule identical to the natural one. Which I don't think is what you find in birth control pills.
Honestly, it sounds like your parents are still not accepting it fully. They're in denial; they don't want to think it's real. They're angry at you for imposing that "phase" upon them. Eventually, if they're even decent people, they'll come around. And if they're not too poor, they should eventually agree to pay for your medications. You can help them understand, but to do that, you have to be above them. More mature, more patient, calmer, wiser, while not looking down on them. And in your current state of mind I don't think that's possible. And even then, to many parents, the voice of their child has a lot less value simply because it's their "inferior" child. They can't help it; they've been educated that way and it stuck.
The best suggestion I can make is to see a gender therapist. A real professional - a real psychologist for instance - and ideally someone who specializes in gender. Ideally not a psychiatrist, though, because many of them (I won't say all of them, but they're numerous) are a lot more into analyzing you and prescribing you whatever pills might be relevant than doing actual therapy and caring for you.
So anyway, see someone (ideally specialized), who will help you live through things and assess your gender identity disorder. Then once you're comfortable with the therapist and you know they understand you, you can invite your parents to an appointment. Being explained things by a real professional who has all the credibility of one will surely help your parents understand your issues, needs, and the truth and importance of it all.
Also, uhm, one last note. I know it's hard and I know you don't feel like it at all. I know it's near unbearable. But try to find ways to make it a bit more bearable, and start doing something productive with your life. If you manage to make it a bit more bearable and do something that you like, it should distract you from your gender issues a bit and improve your mood.
And uhm, trans or not, whatever the issues, many parents get extremely frustrated by having an inactive child at home, especially if they're adult. Sometimes they exaggerate and don't try to understand enough, but it's understandable in a way: it's extremely disappointing for them to see the child they thought they had raised so well end up in that state. They blame your inactivity because parents like to appear tough like that, but deep down, they think about your unhappiness, too. They probably think they grew up in the "big hard world", back when "you had to work or else", too. Indeed the world was harder in their times in some points. They neglect a lot of the new hardships today's world brings, but well. There's also the obvious fact that they're tending to your needs and they'd like it if you used what they give you for something productive.
Anyhow, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Just, whether you think they're right or wrong in all or some of their motives or actions, understand that if you are inactive, they'll be a lot less receptive to whatever you might say. If you manage to somewhat get your life "back on track", then I'm sure discussion with them will be a lot more fruitful. That's how parents (and actually, many people) often are. They won't really think logically about whether and how they should listen to you. If they're angry at you they won't listen, and if they're proud of you they will. Well, probably.
It doesn't have to be work. Heck, it can be very devalorizing to work without being in the career you'd like to do, before you can study, if you want to. Not to mention that when you eventually transition, it's much easier to do it at school than at work (generally speaking - there are exceptions of course). The school won't fire you unfairly.
I think your parents are telling you to work because people often assume that when someone stops going to school, school stops being a plan for them altogether. That if you don't keep studying when you're out of high school, it's because you're one of those people who aren't into school at all and want to do a job that doesn't require studies. That's fine if that's your case, too, of course, but you don't have to shove yourself into the mold. Life does tend to be easier for people with a diploma after all.
If going to school is something that appeals to you (forget about being uncomfortable with your body for now), then I'm sure you can have a deal with your parents, eventually, that they would pay for your medication if you do something productive by going to school and by being serious with your studies. Of course, that might require to go through the step of making them undestand your issues and needs better, hence the therapist, but it doesn't mean you can't start school in the mean time.
PS: Oh yeah, and I think you can see it yourself, but indeed, your father is only telling you that out of denial and anger. I have much less of a feminine body than you and before I transitioned, everyone reassured me, telling me how I had soft features and the right attitude (whatever that means xD) and would pass well. Mind you, I don't even have a waist to speak of and I have shoulders broad enough to seriously impair my ability to shop for a coat.
Thank you all so much! I feel a bit better. I'm seeing my therapist on Tuesday, hopefully she can prescribe something for my anxiety so that I'll be able to work without being even more stressed and panicked all the time.
I'll try dressing a bit unisex the next time I go out. I don't really have that many clothes for it though, I just have baggy cargo pants and baggy jeans and a couple baggy and slim fit men's t-shirts:/
I can fit into my mom's jeans, but my butt is too big to zip or button them :laugh: Other than my face, neck, shoulders, and arms, I have a surpisingly similar build to her. Except for my butt. xD
My dad told me today my sister had bad anxiety when she was my age too, so it must be genetic. Anxiety meds will make this a lot more tolerable. And I won't feel like I'm on death row when I go to find a job xD
I'm not going to see a gender therapist when I have an informed consent clinic a $100 taxi drive one-way away from me. I have waited far too long already to get on hormones, I'm not waiting 3+ more months than I need to. I appreciate the thought though!
I know it sucks; for a while I worked as a man in customer service. Getting called sir even though you sound completely feminine act it but look like a feminine man. At the end of the day the job I looked at it as my gateway to happiness; it gets worse before it gets better but once you get past the crappy parts things start getting better. You can imagine the pain I went through losing my job two days ago; but I made through by realizing that I can be so much happier. I am currently not taking hormones but just look at work as your means to an end.
Remember; don't let other people discourage you... it's not your outward appearance that makes you woman it's who you are on the inside <3 and no matter what you're beautiful.
I don't know your life situation, since I haven't followed you too much, BUT. I do know of US colleges that includes trans health care in their school health insurance plan. That would mean you wouldn't rely on your parents and working to pay for 100% of your meds and whatever else.
Other employers in the US may offer to pay some through their insurance company. I know a lot already offer surgeries through the health insurance they offer, but you'd have to talk with HR about the meds if you got a job with a company that offered that.