Im not sure how to word this? How does one go about dealing with pre suicidal thoughts? My lightbulb has grown so dim over the last few months due to all the drama, betrayals, people pissing on the emotions I just learned to experience, and just over all feeling like everytime I find a flicker of hope, it ignites a bonfire of despair. I seriously feel like im circling the drain and I cant figure out how to recover. Literally the only thing thats stopped me from ending my life is the fear of going into the afterlife with a penis between my legs forever. Thats literally all I got left besides my friend Sourskiddlez and I feel so distant from her lately. Im terrified of what might happen if all this crap in my life keeps happening over and over and over. I cant even get one day to hide under the covers and cry. The BS even manages to hunt me down and remove me from the saftey of my own tears.
A lot of us have had our own share of those thoughts, and we're here for you, so don't keep the feelings locked up inside. And it may sound weird but you can start tonight with a PM to some of the girls you post with the most here on Susan's. I've done it with girls in my therapy groups in California, and at least one of them will always get back to me quickly, or even better sometimes they ask me to call.
There are also help lines in large communities, and they have toll free numbers for those in towns that don't have these kinds of services. I know people who work in, or have worked at centers that run the help lines, and they get a lot of calls like the one you'd be making (not suicidal, but in dispair). Believe me it helps, because I had to make one of those calls just a week ago when I all-out cried for six straight hours and wished something would kill me to get it over with.
So talk to the girls here on Susan's, and call any help line you can.
Hugs, K.
Its just so overwhelming, Having become Teela, Getting to be teela since April21st. Getting to see and be with my roomie sourskiddlez as she went through SRS and getting to be there for her. Even tho we arnt related, I think of her as family, we got tons of big sister/lil sister drama between the two of us. Im also madly in love with her.... get tons of mixed signals and feelings back from her. I never once in my relationship with my ex fiancee did I feel as strong for her as I do for sourskiddlez. I also settled into a new job as a home health aid helping the mentally and physically disabled. Filed for my legal name change last week. Sourskiddlez and her family let me take their last name cause I wanted to honor them for all they have done for me. My biological family feels like they have all but abandoned me. Abunch of co workers are determined to ruin my career at my new job because im trans, and several of them have been disapplined for their actions against me. Which has only made them more ambivious in there goal to undermine my everymove. They refuse to call me Teela, or use female pronouns when addressing me (which they have been disaplined for multiple times) I just recently ripped a muscle in my back at work and have been on restricted duty and thats been a trip, has put me in a financial tailspin. People I thought where friends have stabbed me in the back to the point to where im seriously afraid to let anyone near me emotionally again. Between all my worries making me a basket case, my pain meds for my back have me even more jacked up. So ive been making stupid mistakes, careless judgment calls. There is nothing I feel like I can do about it but ride it out, and ive heard that for last 26 years of my existance. Im sick of trying to do my own thing within the flow, the flow doesnt feel like it gets any better. And I have no way to break out of that flow. I dont even know how to forgive myself for my mistakes in life, let alone forgive others. Im a terriable judge holder. I've developed nasty rage issues. I threw my brandnew laptop out the window and into the street because it lagged in the middle of a mech warrior match. If it wasnt for cigarettes and my punching bag, id probably be in legal trouble by now the rage episodes are getting that bad. If im not ragin externally, im squirriled away ripping myself apart from the inside out. Literally all I have left I feel like is, the room I rent at sourskiddlez place, and her. And at times I feel like im losing her to. And she is my last tangiable friend I have, and probably the only true friend I've ever had that I could see in person. Im terrified of losing what I have, and terrified of what I dont have. Terrified of the things I dont want. Thor, the old me was introverted, closed off, everything I hated in a person, loner, stood alone, supported hiself and didnt need others to feel wanted or loved. Teela is everything Thor wasnt. Im sensitive now, Im starved for human connections (which terrifiy me because im way to use to being takin advantage of) Teela longs for a family which she now feels like she has and is terrified of losing. My brain goes so many directions at one time it never shuts the hell up, it wont focus, it wont let me find serenity. It's terrified of almost everything, I cant figure out if its myself, or the world around me im hating. Its just so overwhelming. :-\
I wish I could offer more than this but I sometimes feel as you however replace the rage with sadness, which sometimes feeds into hopelessness, like tonight I feel a lil this way, I think at least for me is before I transitioned I never really learned real life coping skills and just created a shell, even after I transitioned I was still protected by others, and didn't get to experience or learn from or about, now since srs I am facing this issue and I feel like while I am old enough to know better my maturity and age level with dealing and coping at times is 14-17 years old, which coicidently the world wont accept so I have to try to bury this the best I can and act my age....
it gets to me a lot sometimes but I try to get on here or do other things to help alleviate the issues, sounds like the trouble makers will be on their way out before long, especially if they keep up the shenanigans, just have patience on this as the last laugh will be yours
Teela, they say transition is going through a second puberty and i wholeheartedly agree. It is overwhelming, it is hard, transition does have a load of roadblocks and closures, pains and heartache. But there is also a lot of joy, freedom, being true to oneself and friends that love you for the real you.
I think your doing wonderfully well already Teela and i remember reading your hospital story with a smile.
I know it's really difficult Teela, and i am feeling much the same way this morning, but i try to tell myself that transition is a journey, and to try to work towards my goals.
I could give a lot as advice, but unless it's technical or legal I'm somewhat of a buffoon. Engineers are sometimes socially left out, and I'm a classic case where the gender conflicts in my youth made the social anxiety even worse.
But to go on, I was also a loner in my old male life, and that background made it crippling when these damn hormones kicked in. :D. Like you, I suddenly want and need contact with living, caring people who are friends without question. And I also need women who understand what it means to be transgender, and can share in the trials we go through. After so many months of avoiding group situations I've found so many women like me in group therapy, and the girls my age in these groups had similar life experiences. They've also felt left out, abandon, or forgotten, and mostly alone when everything goes wrong. I call it being invisible. Yeah, everyone sees us, and hears us, and they still pretend we're not here. So I go to group therapy because women my age are there, and we share a lot. The few old friends I had disappeared, and new ones are taking their places. Yet to my surprise a few of the cis women I used to work with email me regularly now, and we gossip. Yes, Gossip.
Anyway I love my group sessions, and before coming up to Michigan for the summer I couldn't wait for Tuesdays to roll around. I'd speak with the older girls most, but the young girls are so smart these days, and are way ahead of anything I could have dreamed of at their age. And hey, it's also a great way to find people who want to have a small group lunch or dinner. So it's not all serious, and overwhelming. There are real people out there.
Sorry this may have rambled a bit. And if you ever need to talk you have my number.
Take care. Kathy
Well... For me... Whenever I feel that way, I think of others. I think about how it will affect them, how it will upset them, how it will leave them always questioning as to why I did it. And yeah... I don't want that to happen. I never want to hurt the ones that I love, even if it seems as if they don't love me now. Also... I think about how it would make me a liar if I kill myself. For me... It would make every time I said "I love you" to someone a lie, because I'd purposely be doing something that would hurt them. So that is what I do. Think of others and what the potential impact of my actions may be.
Another thing that really helps me when I feel that way is to distract myself. If I am busy doing something else, I can't think bad thoughts. So I would play games or watch TV. Lately, though, that has become a bad thing. I've become so immersed in TV these days that I've been losing track of time and staying up late. That unfortunately has been affecting my work, heh. So I've been working to get my sleep schedule back to normal and have been trying a healthier approach.
This brings us to another option... Writing. I'm finding that it helps to type or write what is bugging you because it gets it out of your head. It also gives you an opportunity to see and hear your thoughts, which helps in the evaluation process. When we write, we tend to be saying the stuff we are writing in our head as if we were talking (at least I do that.) Then you see the words before you, and you can then read them to sort out which feelings are beneficial and which are not beneficial. One trick I was taught was to take the negatives and then to see if you can rephrase them to be the opposite if what you said. It is really useful.
Anyways... I hope this helps and just know that you are not alone. It may seem that you only have one person there for you, but that isn't completely true. In this place how have many people that will gladly be there for you when you need the. The beauty is that there are people from all around the world that is on here. This means that you have a 24/7 support group. So whenever you are down, just post on here and you'll get help. It is the point of this, really.
Oh! I forgot a book. That helps big time. You learn new things and you escape into other worlds. Just don't escape too much. I've done that before. Heh. Anything you do can become excessive if you aren't careful.
In conclusion... Don't forget that you are not alone. Almost all of us has been at the point that you are at one time or another. You'll pull through it, though. You are string. You wouldn't have come as far as you are now if you weren't. 'Don't worry. Be happy now.' Hope you have a good day. *hugs*
Take one step at a time. Don't try to fight all your fires at the same time. Break them down and deal with each issue that comes up. Get you back in better shape then talk to hr about a hostile work environment, each step can be managed trying to do it all at once will become overwhelming.
More importantly talk to people here talk to someone every day, don't allow yourself to fester on all the bad let people here help you carry your burden.
*smashes head on desk* To top it all off, just got a tow home. Teela mobile no good, engine went boom. Went it rains it pours, in my case, hurricans and tornado's
wont know how much its gonna cost till I get it looked at and rents due in a few days. I seriously just.....no... I want to give up and I dont even know how to do that either. AHHHH
I'm with ya girl!! My internet just went off, because I. Can't get all my bills paid at the same time so I pick and choose which one gets the money, in 3 days time my lights will be next, but I still have some shuffleing I can do and hope it gets me to where I need to be which is with those that are owed paid. .. its frustrating and last month I was almost at panic level but I adverted that now for this... they say there is a light at the end of this tunnel but I wonder if its perhaps some other poor fool with a really dim flshlight I am actually seeing. Oh well a least we won't be lonely! Ha!
Worry about rent first. Public transit sucks but it can get you around until you can get your car fixed. 1 problem at a time.
I dont live in a major city we dont have public transit. Im also a home health aid so my job involves going to multiple homes a day. On top of it all, my work because of my back injury even tho im getting full work release tomarow is STILL cutting my hours, and has me schedualed to where I cant go to and from my workplace. Im so ->-bleeped-<-ed. Serious, when I lose my job, im done. Thats not a threat either so feel free to send someone after me. I'll make it easy and give you a hint. Indiana
Please try to hold out for another day. When tomorrow comes reread my first line. Take it one day at a time and call crisis counseling. I wish I had the words that would make you feel better, I wish I could take your pain away. In the end I am just someone that tries to express what kept me alive when I had antidepressants forcing me to kill myself. You need someone that has the knowledge to help you both mentally and possibly other ways too.
I am taking it one day at a time, im just saying when the day comes that Im face with unemployment, im not gonna detransition. id rather die. And im not wasting time on a crisis hotline because that still doesnt stop detransition. I will not go back to being Thor. You know what, ill even negociate. When I become unemployed instead of taking my life. Im just gonna castrate myself, DIYS style. That way I cant detransition. Sound good to you? You all win, I win. I can be homeless and stay Teela. Sounds good to me.
Well not exactly what I was thinking, I was thinking more that with a hostile work enviroment a counselor might be able to help you find ways to not be unemployed. Perhaps there may be some form of aid to help you get your car on the road again.
I'm not good at telling me how not to off themselves especially since ived tried a couple times but if you do chose the exit, it means you let the world win and everyone else who was against you, I prefer to not let them win. Can you borrow a car? At least temporarily? Think of other options if your getting cut hours maybe its time for work elsewhereeven if its out of your field of work anything works heck I've worked flipping burgers temporarily until it got better... if you want to talk to someone personally pm me and ill send you my number or you can just pm me yours..
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 20, 2013, 04:12:21 PM
I am taking it one day at a time, im just saying when the day comes that Im face with unemployment, im not gonna detransition. id rather die. And im not wasting time on a crisis hotline because that still doesnt stop detransition. I will not go back to being Thor. You know what, ill even negociate. When I become unemployed instead of taking my life. Im just gonna castrate myself, DIYS style. That way I cant detransition. Sound good to you? You all win, I win. I can be homeless and stay Teela. Sounds good to me.
Teela, there are times in life where everything seems to go wrong. You are Teela; you never really were Thor. You don't have to worry about your identity. You are who you are.
You have marketable skills. You will be employed again soon. It is people who have no skills who have a hard time finding a job.
You should be getting some state disability or workers compensation - depending on where you hurt your back. In the meantime, perhaps you can make some money doing some sort of work for a previous employer. Don't be so proud as to not ask for a job back. Even part-time ... every little bit helps.
As for your feelings about Sour Skiddlez, you should probably talk to her about that. I honestly can't remember if she is a member here anymore, or not. It seems to me she was, at one time.
I know you are going to pull out of this. You are a strong woman when all is said and done.
One more thing - DIY surgery of that type is really, really dumb.
I've flipped burgers also. To be honest I prefer working in resturants over what im doing for a living right now, and I may have to. Im weighting my options. 90% of my options come down to if my landlord is going to work with me. Cause I can keep doing my current job till transportation cost me the job. but my landlord is gonna have to work with me till I find another job. Finding work in my city even as a burger flipper is hard, cause when the steel mills crashed, competition for even burger flipping skyrocketed.
I hear you jamie, problem is my old employers are further away then my current employer. :/ i'll figure it out. I may even resort to being a whore if need be. I refuse to detransition.
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 20, 2013, 05:03:47 PM
I hear you jamie, problem is my old employers are further away then my current employer. :/ i'll figure it out. I may even resort to being a whore if need be. I refuse to detransition.
Please don't go that route. You should not have to detransition.
I never got as far as you, but I know the pain of having to stop everything. Your first obligation is to being yourself and surviving.
You have come a long way. Please don't let circumstances pull you down.
Im not letting them, im going down kicking and screaming. I may lose this battle, but I never said I wasnt going down without a fight. Im just saying when and if I lose, im not dealing with what happens after losing
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 20, 2013, 04:12:21 PM
I am taking it one day at a time, im just saying when the day comes that Im face with unemployment, im not gonna detransition. id rather die. And im not wasting time on a crisis hotline because that still doesnt stop detransition. I will not go back to being Thor. You know what, ill even negociate. When I become unemployed instead of taking my life. Im just gonna castrate myself, DIYS style. That way I cant detransition. Sound good to you? You all win, I win. I can be homeless and stay Teela. Sounds good to me.
How much do your HRT meds really cost? Less than $100 / mo in the US IIRC. This is not an insurmountable problem - find a way to get $100 / mo in cash and buy your meds.
Quote from: su->-bleeped-<-ime link=topic=147015.msg1209722#msg1209722 date=1377074184
How much do your HRT meds really cost? Less than $100 / mo in the US IIRC. This is not an insurmountable problem - find a way to get $100 / mo in cash and buy your meds.
$100 might not seem like a lot to some people but to others, that $100 might be the money they need to eat or have shelter especially if you are jobless. Not sure entirely what Teela's situation is but it may be prudent to not assume that it is just as "simple" as finding $100/month. Just saying.
a 30 day supply of estrogen cost me 12 dollars, spiro cost me 23 dollars. and yes getting my hands on that money is like looking for a diamond in the litterbox every month. after rent, keeping my phone on, other medical bills, and other health concerns im not willing to share. That meger 30 dollars puts me out of food for a few days. I want you to try something. and your not allowed to eat just ramen. I want you to feed yourself twice a day, for 30 days, with a 20 dollar budget. Your not allowed to use public assistance like the food pantry or a soup hall either. my area has non of those. if you really wanna understand my situation, also go find a pair of readers that destroy your vision and live a few days without taking them off. or live without your glasses for a few days. Im in desperate need of glasses, I havnt gotten to see the world clearly in almost 5 years. My vision got destroyed when I got hit in the face with a baseball bat. I cant even read your messages. I have to highlight them and let the handicap asis on my pc read them outloud to me. I dont even know for sure what I look like. Imagine driving, thats scary as hell when your more or less looking at colored blurrs and using a developed 6th sense of depth. Which also leads me to why they say dont judge someone till you know their plight. Yes I relise and know talking about suicide is selfish, I also never said I was going to do it. I asked how to deal with the mind, when it starts to consider it.
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 21, 2013, 04:05:15 AM
a 30 day supply of estrogen cost me 12 dollars, spiro cost me 23 dollars. and yes getting my hands on that money is like looking for a diamond in the litterbox every month. after rent, keeping my phone on, other medical bills, and other health concerns im not willing to share. That meger 30 dollars puts me out of food for a few days. I want you to try something. and your not allowed to eat just ramen. I want you to feed yourself twice a day, for 30 days, with a 20 dollar budget. Your not allowed to use public assistance like the food pantry or a soup hall either. my area has non of those. if you really wanna understand my situation, also go find a pair of readers that destroy your vision and live a few days without taking them off. or live without your glasses for a few days. Im in desperate need of glasses, I havnt gotten to see the world clearly in almost 5 years. My vision got destroyed when I got hit in the face with a baseball bat. I cant even read your messages. I have to highlight them and let the handicap asis on my pc read them outloud to me. I dont even know for sure what I look like. Imagine driving, thats scary as hell when your more or less looking at colored blurrs and using a developed 6th sense of depth. Which also leads me to why they say dont judge someone till you know their plight. Yes I relise and know talking about suicide is selfish, I also never said I was going to do it. I asked how to deal with the mind, when it starts to consider it.
I think the best way to deal with suicidal thoughts is to quantify your situation and come up with solutions. You've provided some additional parameters, so let me make a few suggestions. I've only listed three suggestions, but I'm sure others here and/or friends/family can help you with others:
- online "freelance" websites: data entry, writing, web design, web campaigns, etc; even working at $5 /hr would only require seven hours of work per month, and you can certainly find these sort of job given that English is your first language
- collect cans/bottles; you would only need to collect 25 cans/bottles per day to make enough extra money to pay for HRT at the amount you stated you need
- borrow money from a close friend / family ($35 / mo is very little inconvenience when compared to taking care of your funeral arrangements, which typically run into the thousands of dollars; you can even record the loans and repay them when you're back on your feet)
Good luck with getting back on your feet! :)
I usually do barrow money or find side work to make that money, indiana has no return value on cans sadly. I used to do that when I lived in michigan hehe. family isnt an option, when I fallowed through when transitioning they left me for the wolves. I have a good job, I was almost on my feet. till my car threw a piston rod. which has me terrified, losing my mobility will cost me dearly. The people I rent from are going to let me barrow their car when they can. But we all know what happens when you miss too many shifts due to unabillty to arrive for your shifts. Im in a desperate race against the clock to keep my water filled boat from taking on more water. i've got some support but they already help as much as they can. I've only got one friend, she will even tell you that. 90% of my social skills I just learned over the last 5 months. talking on the net for me is far easier then in person. In person it isnt out of the ordinary for me to go weeks without saying a single word. Just saying hello to a stranger feels like im standing before a dragon. ive made so much progress in the last few months, and losing it all terrifies me. tasting what its like to be human, and having to go back to being the hermit who lived in their car that I was before, its unsettling. and my old home doesnt even move anymore. so if I lose my current home, id have to pick a nice dumpster to live in. im rambling now, which is kinda nice. I didnt even use to talk this much on the net......
Hang in there girl!!! Are you a RN? If so, then look up some information on traveling nurses...they make upwards of 50 an hour. ..and I know prns down here make up to 40..moving might be an option if your skill set is there:) we are all here for you!
former emt and currently a home health aid (CNA) I wish I was an RN.
On a bright side I got released back to full duty today and got offered tons of double shifts over the weekend and its with my roomie so I can ride with her to and from
Teela, check with the local unemployment office. In some states you can get unemployment insurance if you are underemployed as well as not employed. I recently got back to work (I'm a CNA) and I was already living paycheck to paycheck one step out the door to my apartment and a payment away from the repo man. I don't know how many times that I would run scenario's of myself ending it all, but in the end I didn't and I'm glad of it. A trans sister one told me that they can't take being a transgender women away. That gives me strength. That I can weather this and still not compromise my own true self.
Hang in there girl! I hear ya. Your not alone.
Gwyn
Quote from: GwynnRae on August 21, 2013, 08:20:33 PM
Teela, check with the local unemployment office. In some states you can get unemployment insurance if you are underemployed as well as not employed. I recently got back to work (I'm a CNA) and I was already living paycheck to paycheck one step out the door to my apartment and a payment away from the repo man. I don't know how many times that I would run scenario's of myself ending it all, but in the end I didn't and I'm glad of it. A trans sister one told me that they can't take being a transgender women away. That gives me strength. That I can weather this and still not compromise my own true self.
Hang in there girl! I hear ya. Your not alone.
Gwyn
aww thanks. Im trying to think positive, hardest ->-bleeped-<- ever. But it seems some kinda force or just luck is making the nexy few days alot easier. Hopefully it keeps up.
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 21, 2013, 04:05:15 AM
Im in desperate need of glasses, I havnt gotten to see the world clearly in almost 5 years. My vision got destroyed when I got hit in the face with a baseball bat. I cant even read your messages. I have to highlight them and let the handicap asis on my pc read them outloud to me. I dont even know for sure what I look like. Imagine driving, thats scary as hell when your more or less looking at colored blurrs and using a developed 6th sense of depth. Which also leads me to why they say dont judge someone till you know their plight. Yes I relise and know talking about suicide is selfish, I also never said I was going to do it. I asked how to deal with the mind, when it starts to consider it.
Teela, if your vision is as bad as you say it is, and I have no reason whatsoever to doubt you, you're legally blind and entitled to Social Security benefits. If I were you, I would, at the very least, talk to social security or state disability in Indiana. You feel boxed into a corner, I can understand that completely, but you've transitioned at a young age, no matter how old you feel you are. Self castration is just plain stupid and out of the question if you have any hopes at eventual SRS or even a normal life as a woman. I have tried to kill myself three times and I will never detransition, like you, I'll end my life before I go back to being a male impersonator. I began to transition at 23, stopped, and finally transitioned to living full time just short of two years ago. I just turned 59 on August 16th. I wasted nearly 35 years. I have regrets and fears I doubt you can yet imagine, but I'm finally the woman on the outside I've always been in my heart and I'm happy. No matter what, Teela, the sun will rise for you and you have much to be thankful for. I know it does no good to tell you to compare your life with a starving refugee, but compare your life now to who you were when you attempted to live as a male. You've had some terrible luck, you don't live in a transgender friendly city and obviously things could be much better with your family, but even that could and very well may someday change for the better. We just don't know what the future holds, but at least you're living it as the woman you've always been in your heart and soul. None of my suicide attempts were 'cries for help' or anything other than trying to end my dismal existence. Each time I realized I failed I was so angry at myself that I couldn't even do that right, but I'm sooo glad my suicide attempts were unsuccessful, because I wouldn't have been able to fulfill the dream I'm actually living now. Life is hard for most people, and much harder for us transsexuals. But you can be happy Teela, just don't give up or give in. God bless you, Mira
Quote from: Miranda Elizabeth on August 21, 2013, 09:02:29 PM
Teela, if your vision is as bad as you say it is, and I have no reason whatsoever to doubt you, you're legally blind and entitled to Social Security benefits. If I were you, I would, at the very least, talk to social security or state disability in Indiana. You feel boxed into a corner, I can understand that completely, but you've transitioned at a young age, no matter how old you feel you are. Self castration is just plain stupid and out of the question if you have any hopes at eventual SRS or even a normal life as a woman. I have tried to kill myself three times and I will never detransition, like you, I'll end my life before I go back to being a male impersonator. I began to transition at 23, stopped, and finally transitioned to living full time just short of two years ago. I just turned 59 on August 16th. I wasted nearly 35 years. I have regrets and fears I doubt you can yet imagine, but I'm finally the woman on the outside I've always been in my heart and I'm happy. No matter what, Teela, the sun will rise for you and you have much to be thankful for. I know it does no good to tell you to compare your life with a starving refugee, but compare your life now to who you were when you attempted to live as a male. You've had some terrible luck, you don't live in a transgender friendly city and obviously things could be much better with your family, but even that could and very well may someday change for the better. We just don't know what the future holds, but at least you're living it as the woman you've always been in your heart and soul. None of my suicide attempts were 'cries for help' or anything other than trying to end my dismal existence. Each time I realized I failed I was so angry at myself that I couldn't even do that right, but I'm sooo glad my suicide attempts were unsuccessful, because I wouldn't have been able to fulfill the dream I'm actually living now. Life is hard for most people, and much harder for us transsexuals. But you can be happy Teela, just don't give up or give in. God bless you, Mira
Thanks that actually helped alot. I tried taking my life a few times before I transitioned, thats what made me finally transition. My first attempt I tried to hang myself and the rope snapped. -_- Second time I walked into traffic and someone stopped me from getting hit and drug me off the road. My last attempted is what cost me most my vision. I drove into the bad side of town and picked a fight with a group of people. I got clubbed in the face real hard with a bat or stick or I dont know what the hell it was. But my eyes aint been right ever since. So I said ->-bleeped-<- it and here I am. I've transitioned and im still half sunk, but im still floating...somehow... So yeah I just gotta keep trying to bail the water.
Just wanted to point out that you attempted suicide in 3 extreme, nearly fail proof ways, and you're still here...you ever think that maybe you're alive for a reason? I think you are. Cause that isn't just luck. You're meant to be here, Teela. Here with us, as yourself, living your life, however hellish it may be. So far I have missed two huge chances to transition because of money. Me and my gf haven't seen our son in over a month because of money. We are both trying so hard but we keep getting knocked down. But you know what? It won't last forever. And that's what keeps me going. I WILL prevail, no matter what obstacles I face. And so will you. I promise. You just have keep going, just as I am. I have a lot of faith in you, chick. You got this.
Quote from: TheLance on August 21, 2013, 09:31:23 PM
Just wanted to point out that you attempted suicide in 3 extreme, nearly fail proof ways, and you're still here...you ever think that maybe you're alive for a reason? I think you are. Cause that isn't just luck. You're meant to be here, Teela. Here with us, as yourself, living your life, however hellish it may be. So far I have missed two huge chances to transition because of money. Me and my gf haven't seen our son in over a month because of money. We are both trying so hard but we keep getting knocked down. But you know what? It won't last forever. And that's what keeps me going. I WILL prevail, no matter what obstacles I face. And so will you. I promise. You just have keep going, just as I am. I have a lot of faith in you, chick. You got this.
Thats what im trying to do. Hope your situation gets better also.
im getting so excited, i've just picked up so many extra hours with a way to get to all of them, I might actually make enough to get a downpayment for a buy here pay here car. *crosses fingers* I just gotta hope this luck keeps up and I dont burn out X_X
I really am so glad to hear that things might be picking up.
Teela, I attempted three times too, and I'm sooo very happy I failed each and every time. Fortunately for me, I didn't have any lingering aftereffects like you have, but I'm sure for you they're repairable. You need to find out about getting glasses or surgery, Teela, because it sounds like when you're driving you're taking some pretty big chances. I think I'd call an optometrist or optician in your area and explain your monetary situation and if they know of a program that can get your eyes tested and get glasses for free. There are programs through most counties and states.
It also sounds like things are already looking up, girl! You're a fighter, and you deserve to win this battle and this war, until you find lifelong peace and happiness. You're going to win this war. If some old battleaxe like me can find peace and happiness, I know a young lady like you can too. Now girl, whenever you start really feeling down, find yourself a mirror and look at yourself. You've already won. You're living your life as the woman you were meant to be. Hugs, Mira
Nice about the job working out currently Teela.
I often read your usual posts and they really keep me going so please stay with us. :)
Quote from: Christine167 on August 22, 2013, 02:38:11 AM
Nice about the job working out currently Teela.
I often read your usual posts and they really keep me going so please stay with us. :)
aww Thanks, im trying my best.
This sucks, I found a car, a 2007 nissan vera, 85k miles on it. it gets 30 in town 36 mpg highway no body damage. At a dealership so it will have a warrenty and everything. They want 9.9k on it, My bank quoted me payments of 176 dollars a month on it. I can afford that easily but I need a co signer due to lack of established credit T_T and my parents are giving me the dance around on helping me out. This sucks. I've never had to auto shop and Im so sick of hearing I need a co signer. I dont have anyone to depend on for that........... what do I do?
That's okay. First to do. Stop letting them run credit checks. It hurts your credit to run a bunch and then not have a car loan in hand with car. You might have only done one check in which case awesome for you. My brother on the other hand does this all the time and then wonders why his credit is in the toilet.
Step two find your cosigner. Sadly when you don't have established credit this is needed for anything near the $10k price tag. Alternately finance a cheaper car, pay it off, and then trade it in for a car you actually want.
Step three be prepared to politely tell the dealer to Go F*<£ Himself when they try to finance anything extra in like the warrantee or options that you want. The lesson there is that if you can afford to not finance it with the rest of the loan then don't. Not saying that if you have to that it's horrible just saying it's better if you don't.
And that's our how to get high credit rating lesson of the day. Now go get that awesome car ;)
Teela just keep your head up hun. I have been laid off since the beginning of the year (1/5/2013] and know the struggle. I'm on unemployment and can barely afford to live. I lost my internet, my truck broke down, my insurance (auto and health) lapsed, my license is close to expiring, i need new undies cuz i have wires poking me and holes in panties, and i had to stop my hrt @ 3 months. Also that is just the short list. The one thing i found is just keep your head up and take everything a day at a time and before you know it you will finally find a bucket to get rid of that water instead of using a teaspoon. For me the big one is a job interview on Tuesday at Walmart.
I know in times like this it seems that things are only getting worse, but just remember two things, "let go and let God take the wheel" and that God will only challenge you with what you can handle. Sorry if your not big on God but in times likethis it really helps sometimes.
As to your family, they suck, mine does too. Mine stopped talking to me the second i started my transition except for my dad and he lives out of state so he is little help to me.
I hope things get better for you soon hun.
sadly, for a loan PERIOD, I need a co signer........im so ->-bleeped-<-ed. im going to have to pay a fortune for a buy here pay here POS. ->-bleeped-<- my life. seriously. My good luck on my shifts ran out also. Next week me and sour skiddles scheduals clash all over the place. We are trying to straighten up. But unlike her I have no faith everythings gonna be kosher. I've already dug out my tent incase I lose my job.
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 24, 2013, 05:46:15 AM
sadly, for a loan PERIOD, I need a co signer........im so ->-bleeped-<-ed. im going to have to pay a fortune for a buy here pay here POS. <not allowed> my life. seriously. My good luck on my shifts ran out also. Next week me and sour skiddles scheduals clash all over the place. We are trying to straighten up. But unlike her I have no faith everythings gonna be kosher. I've already dug out my tent incase I lose my job.
Do you have a mechanic that you like? Sometime professionals like them and handymen/contractors have an extra car in excellent condition that they have restored and would like to sell. Most of them are willing to work on the price and payments. I'd help you out with a POS for next to nothing but the drive would kill it. What's funny about that is that I backed into my sister in laws car with an SUV when she was pulling into the drive way. Needless to say there was frame damage from where my fat SUV sat on its hood. A friendly contractor working on my mother in laws house had a car that someone gave him in payment for services that was in great condition. He had no need for a car and we paid him essentially what he would have been paid for the job. $2k for a 2005 crysler seabring with 30k miles on it.
I'm not saying you will have that kind of good luck but do try and feel free to laugh at a me for squatting my truck onto another car. My nephew still hasn't forgiven me for that one.
And if you lose your job there are more out there for a pretty girl with your skills. My cousin has the same set and had to work at the Gatorade plant in VA for about 6 months before getting picked up by another facility that needed the equivalent of a medical assistant for a nursing home. Not exactly what she wanted but her coworkers treat her better there.
Hugs,
Did you think leasing a Nissan Versa? You may qualify and the cost is can be less than $179/mo. I do not know if you will need a cosigner.
I cant wait for morning, if this dealership still has this in stock, im going to going out there to buy it http://www.auto.com/cars/Mercury-Sable-LS-1999-1MEFM58U5XG637968 Im so excited. My father, who hates me the most out of all my family, oddly enough called me up, told me to find something for under 3K and he would buy it...... I gotta pay him back, but its still odd the person who objects to me most, was willing to help me out like this,
That's great news Teela :D keep your head held high...
I just gotta pray the dealership still has it and it passes my test drive expectations.
freak out time, I also just relised I gotta put my name change the paper soon, and i dont have the money for it. ->-bleeped-<- my life. Well thats gonna be something im gonna have to try and figure out now. Can anyone take a look at Indiana, lake county law and help me figure this out also. I can figure out if I need to run my ad in the legal section of the paper once a week for 3 weeks, or every day for 3 weeks. its so poorly worded.
Teela it reads you must run it for 3 straight weeks and the 3rd week has to be at least 30 days prior to the petition for name change
okie dokie. thanks for helpin me understand it.
So did you get the car?
I didnt get the one I planed on actually. I found a black 98 ford taurus SW stationwagon with 109k miles. 30k less then the other car, I hate red cars. but I also had to invest 200 dollars into putting a new water pump on it. I only paid 975 for it tho. so in the end the car cost me 1200 if u wanna round, the other one would of cost me 1500. So im happy with my new car ^^ now i just gotta finish personalizing it. gotta get some goofy magnet ribbons for it at some point, and put my pink hello kitty steering wheel cover on it
Oh sweet Teela Renee!
God, I wish I had the magic words... or a magic wand. You know, girl, I'm gonna guess there isn't one single person in here, who doesn't identify at least partly with what you say! I know I do. And the last time I felt like that was not too long ago.
I want to reach for the cliche, "if suicide is the answer, then you are asking the wrong question." That line works just great-- except when you're there!
God, girl, I beg! Please find somebody and reach out. I mean, how about starting here with this family. It's virtual and the hugs lack a lot. But the people I've encountered here in my short time often feel like angels for me. Can any of them reach across the chasm and turn your head away from the empty chasm?
I sure hope so. Please don't waste it-- the troubled and hopeless...but truly precious gift of YOU!
Teela Renee, your name goes on my morning prayer list! Great Spirit, help us to help her!
In tears,
Rickya
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 26, 2013, 11:46:03 PM
I didnt get the one I planed on actually. I found a black 98 ford taurus SW stationwagon with 109k miles. 30k less then the other car, I hate red cars. but I also had to invest 200 dollars into putting a new water pump on it. I only paid 975 for it tho. so in the end the car cost me 1200 if u wanna round, the other one would of cost me 1500. So im happy with my new car ^^ now i just gotta finish personalizing it. gotta get some goofy magnet ribbons for it at some point, and put my pink hello kitty steering wheel cover on it
Nice. I'm really glad that worked out. :)
So now that you have the car you can do the extra shifts or will it be cutting it close on getting the water pump installed?
Great to hear about the new car and your father spinging a loan for it.
Talk to the newspaper in person and tell them about your money situation. Sometimes they do pro bono or reduced cost postings for non-business notices where an individual has a legal requirement and no money. But it all depends on the news org that owns the paper.
K
Quote from: Christine167 on August 27, 2013, 05:08:54 AM
Nice. I'm really glad that worked out. :)
So now that you have the car you can do the extra shifts or will it be cutting it close on getting the water pump installed?
its all worked out, thats assuming its the water pump, I think its the water pump, wiaitng for the garage to let me know for sure sometime today. But its worked out. Thanks Kathy for the info also. I dout post tribune or the times will throw me a bone. But ill ask.
Quote from: Teela Renee on August 27, 2013, 07:53:11 AM
its all worked out, thats assuming its the water pump, I think its the water pump, wiaitng for the garage to let me know for sure sometime today. But its worked out. Thanks Kathy for the info also. I dout post tribune or the times will throw me a bone. But ill ask.
;D