It happened to me a couple of days ago. It was odd. I just thought I felt comfortable as a male, a fairly feminine one even.
But then the next day I was back to the same conclusion that It was transition that I wanted.
It's odd, because I've said before that the times I feel I want to stay as I am is when I am under the influence of testosterone, and my sex drive is going crazy.
It's sometimes difficult to differentiate between the hormones and what is actually me. It can influence my judgement and make me think I'm comfortable, when really it is just the hormones telling me I need sex. But when all is said and done and I'm thinking clearly, there I am wanting transition, lol.
I'm curious to know if anybody else has these experiences/doubts?
The closest I have personally got was wondering if I could do so successfully. I do not wish to be seen as 'trans', only a man.
I have read from others saying they have had feelings of not needing to though, so you are not alone.
I think my problem is fear of not knowing how I will turn out. Hormones have a huge influence over us to the extent that it can dominate our personality. I have no idea who I would become under HRT.
Not only that but I fear losing I suppose my sexual identity, the testosterone fueled one that can overwhelm me. I know it's all hormone so under HRT I would likely not miss it as my whole body and needs would change but I still fear losing it? Perhaps it is irrational.
Quote from: Dreams2014 on August 19, 2013, 04:18:03 AM
I think my problem is fear of not knowing how I will turn out. Hormones have a huge influence over us to the extent that it can dominate our personality. I have no idea who I would become under HRT.
Not only that but I fear losing I suppose my sexual identity, the testosterone fueled one that can overwhelm me. I know it's all hormone so under HRT I would likely not miss it as my whole body and needs would change but I still fear losing it? Perhaps it is irrational.
Yeah that's the fear alright! There is no way of knowing how your going to turn out prior to transition. I thought about de-transitioning this morning, i even said it out loud and felt pretty sad soon after. Some people have great results on HRT and others we need a lot more work i suppose, just gets pretty depressing.
Oh and yeah i hated the strong sex drive as well.
Quote from: Bardoux on August 19, 2013, 04:47:59 AM
Yeah that's the fear alright! There is no way of knowing how your going to turn out prior to transition. I thought about de-transitioning this morning, i even said it out loud and felt pretty sad soon after. Some people have great results on HRT and others we need a lot more work i suppose, just gets pretty depressing.
Oh and yeah i hated the strong sex drive as well.
It's just when the sex drive kicks in, rational thought ceases. It's primal, it's actually quite scary. I don't really enjoy being that kind of human. I like thinking clearly, analytically, logically etc. So when this drive kicks in it's just...well you know how it is.
But of course when you are feeling the urges you don't want to let it go. It's like a catch 22.
I remember so well in my very early days being told by another woman of the glorious benefits of going on HRT. One she proclaimed was the loss of erections etc. I was horrified!
Now? I'm extremely happy sexually, I have a feminine sex drive, whatever that means, but I get horny in different ways than I did pre HRT. My pleasure and satisfaction is massively more. OK I can't get an erection and there is no discharge and after surgery no penis, but my clitoris will be there and that is what is stimulated now.
We need to remember that most sex is between the ears and not between the legs.
Did I think of not transitioning? Yes.
What do I think of it now? No way at all.
The acceptance, happiness and general well being is so fantastic, I could never ever go back.
I've never wanted to go back living as a male.
But there are many, many, many days when I question whether I have endurance to keep up the effort required to be a trans woman.
Today is definitely one of them. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,131762.msg1208628.html#msg1208628 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,131762.msg1208628.html#msg1208628)
I've thought about giving "this whole thing up", as though it's something I made up to be political or dramatic. But when I think about giving up, the question isn't "maybe I don't want to transition" but more "living a lie sounds easier than this".
I think Suzi hit it in the head for me. I don't want to go back, but sometimes I question if I am strong enough to go on.
Yup... there definitely are days where, for whatever reason, I don't care too much. Sometimes they last for a few days.
But then, without fail, the dysphoria will come right back and kick me in the butt, and I'll be right back to feeling like crap because I'm not a girl yet.
The key is, though, on my bad days, I still don't want to go back to being a guy. It's just more of a "I'm not as annoyed as usual that I'm not a girl yet" kind of feeling, where I feel like I don't care for a while.
Don't worry about doubts. They're healthy to have. They make you think. Ask yourself why you're having them. Is it because you're tired? Is it because your brain was so overloaded with dysphoria that it couldn't keep the desires up, and thus needs a break? Or is it genuinely because you want to stay a guy? Let them happen. Think about them. Work them out.
Yeah, this is something that has worried me a lot. Sometimes I felt like I didn't need to transition. I stopped and tried to figure out what was going on, and realized after a bit that I was feeling genderless. Whatever activity I was doing was getting my mind off things and making me feel good, like playing music. Gender doesn't matter when I'm in that zone; it's something I always enjoy. I also had some vague feelings about starting HRT, and I planned on talking to my therapist about it. Before I got a chance to do that, my therapist informed me she was writing my HRT letter. I haven't had those feelings come back since then. I think it might've had something to do with having been in that pre-transition step for so long that I was starting to question if I would ever do it. Now that I've scheduled my first appointment for hormones, I just can't wait.
I tried to de-transition a few months ago, it got to the point where i was relatively happy with how i was feeling, my thoughts and my lack of sex drive which was so demanding! I figured that the few months of HRT had cured me of my dysphoria (not realising that was obviously because i was replacing one hormone with the right one). Those 36 hours off was horrible! Not only the migraines from sudden shifts in hormone levels but also the upsurge of testosterone that came soaring right back. Brought to the forefront again all the reasons why i had to transition in the first place. Remembering back to that time helps me to realise that while there is that feeling of being uncertain what the outcome may very well be, it's something that I need to do.
Just as a general statement, it is often not a good idea to suddenly end hormone therapy. Tapering off is better and is less shock to the system.
Quote from: Jamie D on August 20, 2013, 04:40:25 AM
Just as a general statement, it is often not a good idea to suddenly end hormone therapy. Tapering off is better and is less shock to the system.
Absolutely agree!
Hormones are very powerful, and replacing the one you grew up with by the other leads to huge changes. Specially for a young person - I was past 60 when I started so not as much for me. I was always completely hetero as a man so it's most likely I would end up lesbian. However, I feel so good when a man pays me some attention that I'm putting my orientation down as "unsure" now. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship with a man, but when I eventually get the SRS I may well be.
Did I ever want to untransition? The only time that came anywhere close was when a long standing Internet friend posted a message to me and added "Oh, and tell <my male name> such and such". I suddenly realised I couldn't, "he" isn't around any more. In fact "he" has died. I was sobbing over the keyboard and that was the time I really needed "him" to take over with the old stoicism and (autistic) emotional detachment. I went to bed with all the stuffies I could find. It was very cathartic and convinced me that I will never need to ask that question again.
It does take time to be sure of who you are. It's OK - we do all get there eventually.
There are days when I question whether I'm doing the right thing. I do this for two reasons: 1) I'm electing to undergo hormone treatment and surgery - either of which could be dangerous - so it's only sensible to question everything & make sure I've thought things through; 2) my family is deeply, deeply unaccepting and there's a very good chance that my transition will cause me to lose my children.
I fought so hard to have those kids and it'd tear me to pieces if I lost them. But I can't go back. I had to transition because I got to a point where I could no longer cope with pretending to be female for everyone else's comfort. And with each step forward in my transition, I become more convinced that this is absolutely the right decision for me. I am more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my entire life.
I don't want to lose my kids. But if I stayed the way I was, I would've lost myself.
Quote from: MaryXYX on August 20, 2013, 06:06:31 AMIn fact "he" has died.
MaryXYX, that's really intriguing wording. Did you feel like there were two people inhabiting your body - a male you and a female you? Or that the male you was replaced by a female you? Or even that there never was a male you in the first place? I ask only because I can't figure it out in myself.
Maybe another post for another topic, seeing as it would derail this one a little, but I'm fascinated.
I never wanted to stop transitioning or to go back, but like others, there have been days where I dont feel I have the strength to keep going. Its a lot of work, not to mention money.
yeah somethimes I have the "f*** this s** felling.
somethimes I just dont want to be trans and just be a complitely normal cisgender person, typical guy with a penis or girl who feel confortable in her body, dosent matter just having a normal life with normal problems.
on the other hand being normal can be pretty boring.
I often question whether I should be looking at transitioning. Some days its like I'm not dysphoric enough to be trans. But mostly it is the fear of having to tell my best friend.
We have had another friend that transitioned and my friend doesn't react well when we discuss him (there are other issues that might be clouding his judgement). I fell that there will be a very good chance at loosing him as a friend and because he would be the lynch pin for me keeping in touch with my other friends I think I will loose them as well. It's not the thought of loosing my friends that bothers me, Ive packed up and left my old life behind before. It is that my friend will be disappointed in me that hurts.
As for my libido I need to keep that in check, right now I want to go through the proper channels for transitioning but when the libido takes over self medicating seems like just the thing.
Quote from: White Rabbit on August 20, 2013, 04:24:42 PM
I often question whether I should be looking at transitioning. Some days its like I'm not dysphoric enough to be trans. But mostly it is the fear of having to tell my best friend.
We have had another friend that transitioned and my friend doesn't react well when we discuss him (there are other issues that might be clouding his judgement). I fell that there will be a very good chance at loosing him as a friend and because he would be the lynch pin for me keeping in touch with my other friends I think I will loose them as well. It's not the thought of loosing my friends that bothers me, Ive packed up and left my old life behind before. It is that my friend will be disappointed in me that hurts.
As for my libido I need to keep that in check, right now I want to go through the proper channels for transitioning but when the libido takes over self medicating seems like just the thing.
I know what it's like to be afraid of telling a best friend. But I know that If I knew I had to transition I would leave everyone behind If I had to.
I've had a few days (literally, three total) where I thought I didn't want to transition anymore. Not because I don't want it, just because it would be so easy to just switch to pretending to be female. People wouldn't stare at me and wonder what gender I am, I wouldn't practically have an anxiety attack every time I went out in public due to not binding, I'd save tens of thousands of dollars, I could start living life and not feel so "stuck" all the time...
But then I remember what it was like before I started transitioning. As messed up as my life is now, what with being stuck in-between genders for an indeterminable amount of time (money issues), it's still better than living as a "she." Yes, right now I'm sort of just "stuck," but at least I'm not headed in the complete opposite direction of where I want to go. It's not exactly progress, but it's not complete failure, either.
(note: I'm talking about me and my experience. In no way do I equate any pre-transition people to be "failures." No offense intended to anyone.)
I get it every now and then - but then I remember that I would regret each day that I don't transition or least remain on HRT even more.
I did try to de-transition because I fell in love with a straight girl and because of how expensive it was, but when I broke up - I just could not continue with not being on HRT or not transitioning anymore. That girl is now my best friend and I still love her as a sister.
When I get these feelings of wanting to stop transitioning I often need to think what's causing these feelings. If it's just something temporary because of a bad day or it something deeper? If it's just because of someone else that stopping transitioning is a bad idea since the feelings of dyphoria never really go away.
If I decide to stop it should be because either I really need to or because it's what's best for me or when I am satisfied and happy with my current stage of transitioning and no longer want to move any forward or if it's better for me to stop than to continue. So far I feel that I rather die than stop but that's just my opinion.
I have not had a day I did not want to transition. I had days I feel more odd (like when I go to the beach) and I see all the people and my mind goes into hyper dysphoria. I doubt I can ever pass and remember being young (I usually get numb in my mind).
Less sex drive is a blessing. Self stimulation is a dysphoric mental event. Sex with others was blank. Now I am learning to visualize and see myself and the other person and enjoy the event.
Hormones had helped quiet my mind but sometimes I just want to be left alone (me leave me alone). There are two sex personalities and now there is 1 dominant.
I never had a day I didn't want to transition and I've never had a single regret ever since. I did however, as others have said, have bad days when everything seemed hopeless and it felt as if I was trying to gain flight by flapping my arms. This happened the most in the very beginning but about a year in it stopped. I made it through by ignoring my fears and just go like hell all the time (I finished my whole transition from start to finish in less than 2 1/2 years).
It is not like not wanting to transition, but at times my emotions become too overwhelmed and I am thinking about whether I could just go on as normal male person. Those close to me confessed that I had been very convincing in my role - though there were things which I could never pull off - but there are also a lot of men with their own insecurities (hah, I believe all of them have something under their skin... though they would never acknowledge that) I gave serious consideration to this and I have to admit that in its essence that was a lie and it would remain so if I continued to play this life-long role-playing game. I have never felt so relieved as after I started the HRT and felt its effects on me. Yet, I have never felt to sad too... not about me, but how my decisions affected and will continue to affect others. If only I could make everyone happy, but it seems impossible – it is either/or.
"Anybody ever get a day where they think they don't want to transition?"
Every morning when I wake up and have to confront the entire view in the mirror while getting a bath, and confront the magnitude of how much of job it is going to be to get rid of the view.
As I see it, it is like looking at a pick up truck that has been in a front end collision, and someone has asked me to repair it so it looks like a porsche.
Are you bloody insane?
I have those moments when I question myself how successful my transition will be in the end and if all of this will be worth it.
These doubts immediately disappear when I ask myself if I want to go back to trying to live as "him".
Quote from: ErinM on August 21, 2013, 10:27:35 AM
These doubts immediately disappear when I ask myself if I want to go back to trying to live as "him".
This is how I knew transitioning was the only option going forward (opposite gender of course). After knowing transition was possible, I had no idea what a future with a female me would look like, other then the fact it would be bleak and full of anxiety.
I refer to Emily's comments - sums me up in one word - "ditto!"
Andrea
Yeah I kinda have days where I don't want to transition. But it's not because I don't want to transition it's because I look at all the costs associated with transition and the all the hoops I must jump through. They are so many days were I just wish I could be gay and forget about this whole transition thing. But the truth is I'm not a man so just wishing I could stay one for convenience sake is not going to work for me. So I'm stuck with all the high costs and stress involved with transitioning. Because I have yet to find a compromise in my life that works and doesn't involve transitioning. :icon_neutral:
Wow. Just wow. Thank you all of you for posting these statements. I can't quote any of you because I've been feeling like all of you have throughout the past few months. Eh, the whole "pre-transition jitters" thing. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy to think I can even pull this off. Then I realize that I'm not crazy. Nah, I am just myself, and that is all that matters. But it is just so reassuring to know that I'm not alone in my feelings. It makes me realize now that I'm not alone, and that makes me feel better. So thank you all of you. Stay strong. Be yourselves. I'm proud of you for fighting for it. I know it isn't easy, but you can do it. Never give up, and never surrender.
I feel there is a consensus here: not transitioning is not an option because I am a woman (or a man for the FtMs). It's like the question about gender dysphoria. I don't have that - I did when I was trying to live as a man, but not now. There is some body dysphoria because I'm not right physically, but that can be dealt with.
I swing back and forth between "heck no! that's a terrible idea" and "why not? and who cares what other people think!" depending on which insecurities I'm dealing with that day. The "why not?" thinking feels right and it has undeniably allowed me to be happier and has allowed me to let go of some self destructive behavior. But on the "heck no!" days the familiarity of the life i've known for 50 years calls to me, and it seems a little late in my life to be contemplating such a big change.
So.... I have been on the slow road to transition for about the past 4 years. That plan seems tolerable and workable so I'm going to stick with it.
Hey knock off that "a little late in my life" business or it will be handbags at dawn! If I can do it you can.
Every now and then I'll feel something like this.
Hesitance, I guess, mostly toward top surgery. I start wondering if I could be happy as I am, but remind myself of the reasons why I want to transition in the first place. And then I look in the mirror, and get that, yeah, this body doesn't look right for me, and it doesn't *feel* right to me.
It's an obvious physical change, and I know I won't want to go back after getting it done - but I imagine how I'd look and feel after the act and my heart gets a bit lighter.
*Sigh* For me, there are always going to be fears and thoughts keeping me back, but once I remind myself who I am and why I want to transition, those hold a lot less ground.
Yes I've had those days, I think most of us have. Transition is hard and there is so much uncertainty and dangers involved. I consider myself having it pretty easy and its still a daunting experience.
dreams, I'm at that point where I am finding it very difficult not to pick up the phone and call an escort.
The problem is, I know full well that if I do, I will not be able to perform the act.
It doesn't change that desire though and it makes me feel very male. I find myself wishing that I could be a 100% working male so I can do the nasty, but that would mean denying the vast majority of other things that make me who I am.
I feel like there is another element to it though. since I have already become happy with the idea that I am a girl, I feel a sense of peace and relax. that feeling of relaxation, can be deceptive and make me think I am ok as I am. it's because I am not looking at my body and thinking "urgh". But I am sure that if I started to lift weights and pose all manly in the mirror, it wouldn't be long before I started to feel violently ill.
Quote from: Yuki-jker86 on August 22, 2013, 07:29:33 PM
dreams, I'm at that point where I am finding it very difficult not to pick up the phone and call an escort.
The problem is, I know full well that if I do, I will not be able to perform the act.
Well, the HRT is going to take care of Your "horny" side :) Be strong! :)
There are days when I feels like I do not want to go ahead with it, there are days when I just feels fine for some time, but as soon as see myself in the mirror I realize that there is something really wrong with how I am living my life right know ("male"). Part of the hardest things of the early stages of transition is figuring things out, having some clarity about things. I know I want to be a woman, that I am female, but this knowledge has come in pieces over time, and I have had to put the puzzle together. That is why I still have days when I have doubts, but these days are getting further apart. And although I still see male in the mirror, if a close my eyes I can then see the real me. I hope one day I will not have to close my eyes for that.
Quote from: -Emily- on August 23, 2013, 03:22:18 AM
Well, the HRT is going to take care of Your "horny" side :) Be strong! :)
This is what always scares me most about HRT. Because beforehand, the idea of losing them is scary!
Quote from: Glitterfly on August 23, 2013, 04:46:03 AM
I've never had a thought like that, not in the ever so slightest EVER o.o
I've TRIED to think like that - hoping that I could pretend to act like a 'real' man .. but it never, ever works. I'm definitely in the group that has never had a normal male sex drive. So that's the very last thing I worry about when contemplating transition.
There are, though, a ton of things I'm ->-bleeped-<--scared about, including
Losing my kids
Shaming them, and my wife, or causing them to suffer on my account
Losing my ability to earn a living (I know I could still do what I do just as well, the question is: would anyone still want to pay me?)
Failing to pass - the usual, too tall, big feet, big head, broad shoulders stuff
Loneliness - who will want me afterwards?
But then I fear NOT doing it too ...
TOO MUCH FEAR IN MY LIFE ...
Carlita, I know exactly how you feel. I am in a similar situation, but complicated in my case by additional health concerns. So I am not allowed HRT :-\
But, I can do my best and utilize coping mechanisms to the greatest extent possible.
hearing all your stories makes me sad and also feel I am quite fortunate not to have the concerns of having to tell friends, work colleague's etc.
I'm still confident I'm going to transition, and once I've started I don't think I'll reverse it. So I guess it was just one of those odd days lol
My wife threw me out, my church threw me out. All of my so called friends were in that church and not one of them has contacted me since. Almost all of my children won't speak to me and one recently asked me not to send birthday cards to the grand-children. I don't think that was the reason I lost my job - they did dump 35 people in one go.
Would I go back? There isn't anywhere to go back to. I am a woman and there is no way I could resume the pretence of being a man.
Quote from: -Emily- on August 23, 2013, 03:22:18 AM
Well, the HRT is going to take care of Your "horny" side :) Be strong! :)
thanks :)
I don't think it's about staying strong though, I have a very strong will.
I guess I needed to 'know' for sure. I bought an aid today to allow me to go the whole way and I phoned a girl. well I reached the finish line finally. but... it was not enjoyable in any sense.
Quote from: Dreams2014 on August 23, 2013, 04:39:50 AM
This is what always scares me most about HRT. Because beforehand, the idea of losing them is scary!
Have you been all the way yet? because if you are anything like me, you think you want to, but when it actually comes to the real life situation, you may feel different? it's taken me til the age of 33 to realise that I don't want what I thought I wanted.
Quote from: Yuki-jker86 on August 23, 2013, 03:39:50 PM
thanks :)
I don't think it's about staying strong though, I have a very strong will.
I guess I needed to 'know' for sure. I bought an aid today to allow me to go the whole way and I phoned a girl. well I reached the finish line finally. but... it was not enjoyable in any sense.
Have you been all the way yet? because if you are anything like me, you think you want to, but when it actually comes to the real life situation, you may feel different? it's taken me til the age of 33 to realise that I don't want what I thought I wanted.
I live in rural north Wales. So i've not gone to therapy yet. As soon as I am living independently though i'm straight there. I want HRT as soon as possible, even though the prospect scares me, I know it's what I want.
Quote from: Dreams2014 on August 23, 2013, 03:45:06 PM
I live in rural north Wales. So i've not gone to therapy yet. As soon as I am living independently though i'm straight there. I want HRT as soon as possible, even though the prospect scares me, I know it's what I want.
ah ok... uhm.. well when I said 'all the way' I was talking about sex! :angel:
edit:
oh, didn't realise you're in north wales! if you're ever visiting Wrexham, drop me a line. perhaps we can have a chat and a coffee?
Quote from: Yuki-jker86 on August 23, 2013, 03:59:48 PM
ah ok... uhm.. well when I said 'all the way' I was talking about sex! :angel:
edit:
oh, didn't realise you're in north wales! if you're ever visiting Wrexham, drop me a line. perhaps we can have a chat and a coffee?
Oh, that's what you meant! Yes I've had four female sexual partners. And I still want to transition, so I suppose at least I'm well informed about what I'm leaving behind? :P
Yes I'm in the land of sheep and mountains, although I have said this to you in another thread before :D
And yeah that would be very cool!
Quote from: Dreams2014 on August 23, 2013, 04:08:18 PM
Yes I'm in the land of sheep and mountains, although I have said this to you in another thread before :D
Good point !!
I think I assumed you were from the south though because there are far more people there.
Since undergoing electrolysis and HRT in 2007, I've stopped transitioning a few times. Mostly, by stopping HRT. I thought electro wasn't working either. For me, "the real world" was making it tough to transition and I didn't see the changes I wanted when I wanted them.
Now, (off and on) electro is effective and HRT has done more than I had expected, except for not having bigger hips :-\ I have not stopped HRT since I got a new doctor in 2009. Next year is my absolute goal for FFS, along with legal/name changes and stuff.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 8)
Quote from: MaryXYX on August 23, 2013, 09:53:34 AM
My wife threw me out, my church threw me out. All of my so called friends were in that church and not one of them has contacted me since. Almost all of my children won't speak to me and one recently asked me not to send birthday cards to the grand-children. I don't think that was the reason I lost my job - they did dump 35 people in one go.
Would I go back? There isn't anywhere to go back to. I am a woman and there is no way I could resume the pretence of being a man.
I'm so sorry that you went through all that Mary; I can't believe how cruel people can be.
You're a strong woman and i hope your family and friends come to see that to. x
Thank you Bardoux. Yes I am a strong woman, and no longer an ineffective man. One daughter is very supportive. I spent a week with her in December and she introduced me at toddler groups as "The twins' Nana". At least one young Mom made the obvious step from "Twins' Nana" to "Jen's Mom" and neither of us said yes or no, we just carried on chatting.
Many of us have lost a lot, but I have found new friends at a new church. I did it the hard way by joining the church and then transitioning, so everybody knows my history. About a week after transition one of the other women asked me if I would like to be one of the women who do food for special occasions. Not a good idea to let me loose in the kitchen, but that's real acceptance.