Hello! I'm sorry if this might be a bit long for some people but any helpful and positive feedback/advice is welcomed!
I know that seeing a specialist dealing with gender identity is a practical and realistic next step to help me deal with some gender identity issues that I have been having, but I thought getting some opinions and feedback from individuals having experienced the processes of being transgender would be a good step as well. As for introductions, my name is Chris. I am currently enrolled in the Social Work program at a University in my city and am going to be completing my final year this upcoming September! ...
I was born with a penis and was thus given the gender identity of a male at birth. Growing up I never thought much of my gender, I just existed and did what most kids do - play games and be merry! As a child I enjoyed dressing up and taking on more of a maternalistic and feminine role. My hair was blonde, longish, and very curly. So curly in fact it would ringlet. This choice of hairstyle, whether it was the choice of me, my or my parents I do not know but I did not mind it. It was only until I started hanging around other children it became an issue. They would ask if I was a boy or a girl and this would always upset me - thought I would say I was a boy. I eventually ended up asking my mom to help me get a haircut to shave it all off so it wouldn't happen anymore.
When I was younger I would commonly dress up in my older sister's skirts, dresses, and bathing suits. My parents would usually put pants on me under the skirt/dress but I would always rip them off. Heh heh. In addition, during make believe games I would more commonly suggest that I would be the girl even if I was playing with other girls. I surrounded myself with mainly female friends and a few male friends. I developed more male friends as I grew older, but found that ideas of fun for them were not the same ideas of fun I had. I did keep a close group of male friends later on in Elementary School (Grades 6-8), but then started developing more relationships with females in High School (Grades 10-12). Now, I mainly have female friends with a few male friends.
Currently, if I had to label myself I would probably identify as a gay male. But I suppose since I'm having gender identity issues I suppose I could be also identifying as questioning. >.< At a very young age I developed a crush on a boy in the first grade. I remember asking my parents what it meant when a boy liked another boy. They said we would discuss it when I was older. Afterwards, I only questioned my sexuality a couple of times. Though it was a bit of a challenge during puberty to accept the fact that I could be gay, I always knew I had a special place in my heart for other men, their bodies, and of course their penises. :P Now I do not think I would ever want to be sexually intimate with a woman. Hehe.
Throughout High School and parts of University I have definitely thought of the possibility as identifying as a trans-woman as opposed to a gay man. This may be attributed to the fact that I find that I do not fit in well with other males my age and their interests. In addition, the maternalism and femininity experienced throughout my childhood is definitely a defining characteristic of my person. Though maternalism is more so a gendered word so I suppose I could also be characterized as paternal, right? Anyway, I am definitely more stereotypically feminine. My clothes are tighter rather than the common baggier clothes worn by most males, my walk, speech ect. is different when compared to other males. But diversity is the spice of life, no? I could just be a feminine gay man that is just different, it's possible!
With that said, as with being a kid when I did not really pay attention to my gender - I would say that the same idea applies to me now. I really don't pay attention to gendering myself. I just go through life and do what needs to be done and take care of myself and achieve what I want in terms of an education... ect. I question my gender when it comes to being exposed to other stereotypical female gendered bodies... I like to look at dresses and other "female" clothes online and in-stores, make-up, .... and other things that females are stereotypically supposed to look at within our society. Whilst perusing through much of these different articles I always covet them and think about wearing/applying them to my own body... How I would use them ect. When I see other individuals in society I tend to drool over men and envy women and their beauty. Sometimes I do however really enjoy and appreciate how some men do their hair or the clothes they wear as well. Watching the Victoria Secret Fashion shows turns into a mind-numbing event as I relish the next cute "outfit" and beautifully done-up woman that is going to walk onto the catwalk in a few moments. The idea of becoming one of these women becomes very desirable in many ways to me. It almost seems sometimes that being a woman would allow me to feel more sexually appealing, beautiful ect.
So with this is where I believe most of my confusion stems from. If any past experiences or other opinions or advice could be given that would be great! Thanks. :)
P.S: Sorry if reading this was painful in terms of both length and disconnectedness... I suppose I just tried to throw out a bunch of my thoughts and feelings in one post! My bad! >.<
QuoteThroughout High School and parts of University I have definitely thought of the possibility as identifying as a trans-woman as opposed to a gay man. This may be attributed to the fact that I find that I do not fit in well with other males my age and their interests. In addition, the maternalism and femininity experienced throughout my childhood is definitely a defining characteristic of my person. Though maternalism is more so a gendered word so I suppose I could also be characterized as paternal, right? Anyway, I am definitely more stereotypically feminine. My clothes are tighter rather than the common baggier clothes worn by most males, my walk, speech ect. is different when compared to other males. But diversity is the spice of life, no? I could just be a feminine gay man that is just different, it's possible!
Welcome to Susan's, Chris!
Yes, I've heard rumors ;) that there are "feminine gay men"...and from the sounds of it, I'd guess you are just such a person.
Since you prefer women's clothes and behaviors, that would put you somewhere on the "transgendered" rainbow, but
probably not transsexual...so you needn't pursue hormone therapy. Just have fun doing your hair and finding cute guys... :)
btw, "maternalism" means "to be like a mother" nurturing, feeding, caring for others. "Paternalism" is "like a father", and this means taking the kids out to play rough-house, wrestling, sports, fishing, hunting (if desired), etc. You know, all the "manly man" things. If a child is hungry, a man will prefer to teach the child how to cook for him/herself, while the mother's first thought is to make the food and then serve it. (Of course, being a mother and/or father is a very broad subject, and in times of need both will cross into the others' "territory".)
Hope this helps.
:)
eta: "probably"
Quote from: Alice In Genderland on August 20, 2013, 03:56:55 PM
I wouldn't be so quick to discount hormone therapy or even that Chris is possibly transsexual. Sure its less likely than someone who is categorically dysphoric with their body, but I wouldn't rule it out. Talking to a gender therapist is probably the best bet before jumping into anything of course.
Agreed, edited my post. Thanks.
:)