Hello all, It's been a while since I posted and I'm still really new around here but I am starting to doubt myself. Someone suggested I might just be a cross dresser and it made me wonder if that might be true. Yes I like the clothes and want to wear them but I'm not sure if that's all I want or not. When I think about it I would like to have breasts, a female shape, and a feminine look but don't some cross-dressers feel that way too?
Another thing that made me doubt if I actually am trans is that I don't hate my male parts. I could probably live the rest of my life as a male even though I do dislike the way I look. I might not be happy living as a male but does that mean I am trans? Also I didn't know from a young age. I didn't play with barbies or want to wear dresses as a kid as far as I can remember. The earliest I can remember thinking about and wishing to be a girl was right around puberty which kind of makes me wonder if this is tied to my sex drive. Looking around on the web and reading different people's stories it seems like everyone who's trans is really sure and certain that they are. Am I the only one who isn't certain?
Taking all this stuff in it just makes me wonder if maybe I'm not transgender and I worry about what will happen if I get this wrong. I am really doubting myself and what I am. I feel like I want to be female and live as a woman but I'm not as certain as others. I know that no one can decide this for me but I am wondering what others think. Also I wonder how did other people know they were trans was it always so certain for everyone or were there people with doubts like me?
Any feedback would be appreciated and I want to say thanks in advance for any advice or points of view others can share with me.
Quote from: ComplicatedMe on August 22, 2013, 03:35:44 PM
Hello all, It's been a while since I posted and I'm still really new around here but I am starting to doubt myself. Someone suggested I might just be a cross dresser and it made me wonder if that might be true. Yes I like the clothes and want to wear them but I'm not sure if that's all I want or not. When I think about it I would like to have breasts, a female shape, and a feminine look but don't some cross-dressers feel that way too?
Another thing that made me doubt if I actually am trans is that I don't hate my male parts. I could probably live the rest of my life as a male even though I do dislike the way I look. I might not be happy living as a male but does that mean I am trans? Also I didn't know from a young age. I didn't play with barbies or want to wear dresses as a kid as far as I can remember. The earliest I can remember thinking about and wishing to be a girl was right around puberty which kind of makes me wonder if this is tied to my sex drive. Looking around on the web and reading different people's stories it seems like everyone who's trans is really sure and certain that they are. Am I the only one who isn't certain?
Taking all this stuff in it just makes me wonder if maybe I'm not transgender and I worry about what will happen if I get this wrong. I am really doubting myself and what I am. I feel like I want to be female and live as a woman but I'm not as certain as others. I know that no one can decide this for me but I am wondering what others think. Also I wonder how did other people know they were trans was it always so certain for everyone or were there people with doubts like me?
Any feedback would be appreciated and I want to say thanks in advance for any advice or points of view others can share with me.
As someone who has excessively doubted their gender...I can safely say that this is perfectly normal. And you could still be in doubt for months, this is also normal; it's just you trying to work everything out.
I don't hate my parts all the time, just on occasion; lo and behold I am "officially" diagnosed as gender dysphoric. There are many different variations and ways to be trans. Just look around and ask what other people's experiences are and then you'll slowly get an understanding of just how varied trans people can be.
Have you tried cross-dressing? That pretty much cleared up the confusion for me, albeit it could be different for you.
When I really knew was when I asked myself "Could I be a cis-male who wanted hrt?", and my answer was a resounding "no". 99.9% of cis-males do not want to look female and start taking hormones to change their bodies.
The age at which you knew isn't important. True, the "classic" transsexual will have known, or at least sort-of known, since their childhood. But that's just the common, "most normal" story. Note the quotes. For example... it's as if I told you that the classic depressive person will have trouble sleeping. If you sleep fine but have all of the other symptoms, it doesn't make you less depressive.
Me for example. I did feel like I was a girl when I was quite young, but I didn't do much about it, and honestly most of the time it didn't bother me a lot and I forgot about it for long whiles. That's because in children, gender generally matters much less. It starts to make a bigger difference when you grow up and children around you come to really understand what it means to be a boy or a girl.
Also, it appearing around puberty isn't abnormal. Rather, it makes perfect sense. Having a female brain in a male body will feel much more uncomfortable once more testosterone starts running through it. If you're like me, it just makes you feel awful and not yourself to have the wrong hormone affect your brain. Not to mention that it's at puberty that bodies start to really differentiate.
There are extremes on both sides (and sadly I've personally looked like a "little man" pretty much forever), but some little boys will look really androgynous, and would just need to change to be completely taken as girls. If their genitals aren't a major problem (and to be honest to most young children, even trans, they aren't a major problem) and they're not too uncomfortable with the clothes, how would they know? But then, as the little boy begins to grow body hair everywhere, and his voice starts to sound weird, and his face gets ugly, and he grows way too tall, or whatever... Then what it means to be a guy is thrown onto his face violently. And if anything should feel wrong, well it's at puberty that it's going to hurt the most, whether or not it hurt before.
Not to mention that there are levels of dysphoria, and domains, too. Some people are actually mostly fine with living as their birth gender, but they CANNOT stand their genitals, and even avoid showering so that they don't need to see them. Others might be rather fine with their genitals and not see the point in investing so much money and effort into SRS, but will be extremely dysphoric when even their genetic-gendered name is called. And those are just two examples.
And that's assuming that you're being completely honest to yourself and haven't been manipulated. Some people should have known all their life, but lied to themselves until their, what, fourties, because to them or their loved ones, they didn't feel being transsexual was okay. I've personally been pretty sure I should've been a girl since I was maybe 10 or 11, after having thought about it for my whole childhood, but even though a pedopsychiatrist asked me about it specifically, I'd so many stereotypes and wrong ideas about transsexualism put into my head by my father that I denied it. It's silly to say, but until I reached the age of 18 and finally decided to request transition, I truly thought I was some sort of special magical being who would one day be able to reincarnate as a girl through some ritual or spell. If I was able to put that nonsense through my head for so long, imagine what people can do with more realistic things.
Being transsexual just means that you are not comfortable with your birth gender and want to live as the other, and will be happier that way. Hating your parts isn't a requirement. Heck, if you're okay with them, all the better for you. Surgery is probably not exactly easy to go through, and if you don't live in the right country, it's really expensive.
The core of the matter is whether, and in what ways, you are uncomfortable living as male, and whether, and in what ways, you would be happier living as female.
I don't have the answer for you, and maybe you don't even have it either. And it's okay if you don't know. There are professionals just for that, who can help you dig into your brain and answer that kind of question, so that you can decide whether (and if so, how) to transition and head down whatever path you choose confidently, without regrets. I actually highly advise anyone has gender concerns to see a therapist, ideally one who's especially knowledgeable about gender issues. It can't hurt, and it's likely to help you in lots of ways, the most important of which being that you can finally stop wondering and going back and forth, finally decide and finally move on.
Maybe you'll be able to figure it out on your own, and that's fine. But you could also remain unsure, and take a decision while deep down you feel that maybe it's wrong.
For example, you could take the path (and sadly it has happened to many) of simply going with what seems to be the simplest option because you can't decide, and bitterly regretting it later.
No matter what you do, though, don't base yourself on facts to take a decision. Things like "I never liked Barbies, so I cannot be transgender" (okay this is simplistic but you get what I mean) can easily add up and make a rather convincing fake argument "proving" that you are indeed a guy. And some family members and friends, because they are often very prone to denial, can very well "help" you paint that fake picture.
Thing is, this isn't a question of facts, but feelings. You'd be surprised at how many trans women there are who practically do everything like a stereotypical male, like drinking beer in front of football after coming back home from their heavy duty mechanic job, but are no less female. And I heard of several trans guys who still love girl-talk and make-up and nail polish, one of them actually enjoying crossdressing as a girl for some costume events, but are still very much guys inside.
A good therapist won't be bull->-bleeped-<-ted by your convincing lies, be they made up by you or others, and should help you make sure you find the true answer within yourself. You may not always agree with them, but their actions should (normally) always help you look in the right direction and come up with your own answer that feels right.
Anyhow, whether you do it alone or not, the important thing in your decision processis that it must feel right with you, no matter what anyone tells you, and no matter what's easier or simpler in practical terms.
PS: Oh yeah, and in theory, crossdressers are part of the wide "transgender" term. It basically includes anyone who doesn't feel completely comfortable as their birth gender, I think.
Edit: Forgot to tell. How I knew for sure I was transsexual and decided to transition was when I thought to myself... "I want to be a girl and nothing about being a guy feels right to me. Sounds like the definition of transsexualism." Mainly what lead me to this was thinking about how whoever I envied was either a girl who looked happy and cute, either a guy who had a girly (thin, with a waist, less body hair, cuter face, etc.) body compared to mine. And how the fictional characters I've identified the most to were overwhelmingly girls.
Then I listened to a song I like (Q by AAA if you're curious) on my iPod while thinking about stuff - I was hospitalized and bored, which was a pretty good environment for thinking - and remembered the music video for that song, in a part where there's a close-up on the lead female singer as she sings the refrains, looking cute and especially happy, and I thought about just how much I'd like to be her.
There were other signs about my personality, tastes, dreams, feelings, etc. but that was the triggering event, and when it all came together and made perfect sense, as I ditched my occult explanations.
Quote from: ComplicatedMe on August 22, 2013, 03:35:44 PM
I don't hate my male parts.
I didn't play with barbies or want to wear dresses as a kid as far as I can remember.
I never played with dolls or crossdressed. I put my first female clothes on last year (at age 51).
I don't hate my male parts.
Quote from: ComplicatedMe on August 22, 2013, 03:35:44 PM
The earliest I can remember thinking about and wishing to be a girl was right around puberty
Exactly when I did.
Quote from: ComplicatedMe on August 22, 2013, 03:35:44 PM
Any feedback would be appreciated and I want to say thanks in advance for any advice or points of view others can share with me.
Sounds like you're case is VERY similar to mine. I figured I couldn't be trans because I didn't "always know", because I wasn't a woman trapped in a man's body, because I hadn't crossdressed, because I got a sexual thrill from thinking of the woman's role, etc.
Where am I now?
I've been living full time as a woman for two months. Every moment during that time has been a total dream come true. I can't imagine living as a man.
What helped make up my mind is being in as many situations as I could presenting female and figuring out whether it felt natural.
It did.
Way more natural than being a man.
Please don't let the way we are portrayed in the media confuse you. I did for decades. Transgender experiences differ widely between people. The one thing that unites all MTF transsexuals is that we all feel more natural in a female presentation than in a male one. That's the only way to tell for sure.
Good luck. I hope this helps.
Quote from: A on August 22, 2013, 04:15:53 PM
The age at which you knew isn't important. True, the "classic" transsexual will have known, or at least sort-of known, since their childhood. But that's just the common, "most normal" story. Note the quotes. For example... it's as if I told you that the classic depressive person will have trouble sleeping. If you sleep fine but have all of the other symptoms, it doesn't make you less depressive.
Me for example. I did feel like I was a girl when I was quite young, but I didn't do much about it, and honestly most of the time it didn't bother me a lot and I forgot about it for long whiles. That's because in children, gender generally matters much less. It starts to make a bigger difference when you grow up and children around you come to really understand what it means to be a boy or a girl.
Also, it appearing around puberty isn't abnormal. Rather, it makes perfect sense. Having a female brain in a male body will feel much more uncomfortable once more testosterone starts running through it. If you're like me, it just makes you feel awful and not yourself to have the wrong hormone affect your brain. Not to mention that it's at puberty that bodies start to really differentiate.
There are extremes on both sides (and sadly I've personally looked like a "little man" pretty much forever), but some little boys will look really androgynous, and would just need to change to be completely taken as girls. If their genitals aren't a major problem (and to be honest to most young children, even trans, they aren't a major problem) and they're not too uncomfortable with the clothes, how would they know? But then, as the little boy begins to grow body hair everywhere, and his voice starts to sound weird, and his face gets ugly, and he grows way too tall, or whatever... Then what it means to be a guy is thrown onto his face violently. And if anything should feel wrong, well it's at puberty that it's going to hurt the most, whether or not it hurt before.
Not to mention that there are levels of dysphoria, and domains, too. Some people are actually mostly fine with living as their birth gender, but they CANNOT stand their genitals, and even avoid showering so that they don't need to see them. Others might be rather fine with their genitals and not see the point in investing so much money and effort into SRS, but will be extremely dysphoric when even their genetic-gendered name is called. And those are just two examples.
And that's assuming that you're being completely honest to yourself and haven't been manipulated. Some people should have known all their life, but lied to themselves until their, what, fourties, because to them or their loved ones, they didn't feel being transsexual was okay. I've personally been pretty sure I should've been a girl since I was maybe 10 or 11, after having thought about it for my whole childhood, but even though a pedopsychiatrist asked me about it specifically, I'd so many stereotypes and wrong ideas about transsexualism put into my head by my father that I denied it. It's silly to say, but until I reached the age of 18 and finally decided to request transition, I truly thought I was some sort of special magical being who would one day be able to reincarnate as a girl through some ritual or spell. If I was able to put that nonsense through my head for so long, imagine what people can do with more realistic things.
Being transsexual just means that you are not comfortable with your birth gender and want to live as the other, and will be happier that way. Hating your parts isn't a requirement. Heck, if you're okay with them, all the better for you. Surgery is probably not exactly easy to go through, and if you don't live in the right country, it's really expensive.
The core of the matter is whether, and in what ways, you are uncomfortable living as male, and whether, and in what ways, you would be happier living as female.
I don't have the answer for you, and maybe you don't even have it either. And it's okay if you don't know. There are professionals just for that, who can help you dig into your brain and answer that kind of question, so that you can decide whether (and if so, how) to transition and head down whatever path you choose confidently, without regrets. I actually highly advise anyone has gender concerns to see a therapist, ideally one who's especially knowledgeable about gender issues. It can't hurt, and it's likely to help you in lots of ways, the most important of which being that you can finally stop wondering and going back and forth, finally decide and finally move on.
Maybe you'll be able to figure it out on your own, and that's fine. But you could also remain unsure, and take a decision while deep down you feel that maybe it's wrong.
For example, you could take the path (and sadly it has happened to many) of simply going with what seems to be the simplest option because you can't decide, and bitterly regretting it later.
No matter what you do, though, don't base yourself on facts to take a decision. Things like "I never liked Barbies, so I cannot be transgender" (okay this is simplistic but you get what I mean) can easily add up and make a rather convincing fake argument "proving" that you are indeed a guy. And some family members and friends, because they are often very prone to denial, can very well "help" you paint that fake picture.
Thing is, this isn't a question of facts, but feelings. You'd be surprised at how many trans women there are who practically do everything like a stereotypical male, like drinking beer in front of football after coming back home from their heavy duty mechanic job, but are no less female. And I heard of several trans guys who still love girl-talk and make-up and nail polish, one of them actually enjoying crossdressing as a girl for some costume events, but are still very much guys inside.
A good therapist won't be bull->-bleeped-<-ted by your convincing lies, be they made up by you or others, and should help you make sure you find the true answer within yourself. You may not always agree with them, but their actions should (normally) always help you look in the right direction and come up with your own answer that feels right.
Anyhow, whether you do it alone or not, the important thing in your decision processis that it must feel right with you, no matter what anyone tells you, and no matter what's easier or simpler in practical terms.
PS: Oh yeah, and in theory, crossdressers are part of the wide "transgender" term. It basically includes anyone who doesn't feel completely comfortable as their birth gender, I think.
Edit: Forgot to tell. How I knew for sure I was transsexual and decided to transition was when I thought to myself... "I want to be a girl and nothing about being a guy feels right to me. Sounds like the definition of transsexualism." Mainly what lead me to this was thinking about how whoever I envied was either a girl who looked happy and cute, either a guy who had a girly (thin, with a waist, less body hair, cuter face, etc.) body compared to mine. And how the fictional characters I've identified the most to were overwhelmingly girls.
Then I listened to a song I like (Q by AAA if you're curious) on my iPod while thinking about stuff - I was hospitalized and bored, which was a pretty good environment for thinking - and remembered the music video for that song, in a part where there's a close-up on the lead female singer as she sings the refrains, looking cute and especially happy, and I thought about just how much I'd like to be her.
There were other signs about my personality, tastes, dreams, feelings, etc. but that was the triggering event, and when it all came together and made perfect sense, as I ditched my occult explanations.
There is so much truth and knowledge in this, I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just quote the whole thing and say +1. :)
FWIW, my own thought that convinced me that I might actually be trans was, "I literally sit around all day stressing about the fact that I'm not female. Normal guys don't do that. That's gotta mean something."
Doubts are completely normal. They're to be expected. A lifetime of being shoehorned into a particular role will do that to you. As will fear and shame and guilt and all the other terrible feelings that come with it. You heard it already, but it bears repeating: The best thing you can do for yourself is talk to a therapist, preferrably one who specializes in gender issues.
I want to say thanks again to all of you who replied it's nice to know that the things I am thinking and feeling are shared.
Quote from: Jillian on August 22, 2013, 07:12:39 PM
FWIW, my own thought that convinced me that I might actually be trans was, "I literally sit around all day stressing about the fact that I'm not female. Normal guys don't do that. That's gotta mean something."
I don't know if I sit around all day stressing about being a girl but I do sit around all day thinking about being one. I guess that's in the same line that most guys don't day dream about being a girl.
Quote from: Skye-Blue on August 22, 2013, 04:00:31 PM
Have you tried cross-dressing? That pretty much cleared up the confusion for me, albeit it could be different for you.
I have tried some cross dressing yes and I enjoyed being in the clothes but I guess anyone who was trans would enjoy being in the clothes of the gender you want to be.
Quote from: A on August 22, 2013, 04:15:53 PM
Edit: Forgot to tell. How I knew for sure I was transsexual and decided to transition was when I thought to myself... "I want to be a girl and nothing about being a guy feels right to me. Sounds like the definition of transsexualism." Mainly what lead me to this was thinking about how whoever I envied was either a girl who looked happy and cute, either a guy who had a girly (thin, with a waist, less body hair, cuter face, etc.) body compared to mine. And how the fictional characters I've identified the most to were overwhelmingly girls.
First Off thank you A. Reading what you wrote was really enlightening. Now as to what you said I don't know if everything about being a guy feels wrong to me. The best I can say is that I feel like maybe presenting as a girl would be more right. Also I can say I do envy girls i see and have often wished I could be them. I often do identify with female characters as well and always play a female in the games I play. I also think I lean more towards a female taste in music and movies but of course I know that's not anything definitive on it's own.
Quote from: suzifrommd on August 22, 2013, 05:11:24 PM
What helped make up my mind is being in as many situations as I could presenting female and figuring out whether it felt natural.
suzifrommd it really does sound like we are similar thank you for replying. I don't really know for myself if presenting as a female feels more natural to me or not though because I haven't really done it.
Hearing all these experiences has helped some and I do feel a little better in the thoughts that I am trans. I of course still plan to see a therapist but this has helped my doubts some. They are not gone it's really hard to know what to do I feel like I want to transition and be a girl but I worry how i'll feel when I get there.
Quote from: ComplicatedMe on August 22, 2013, 03:35:44 PM
Hello all, It's been a while since I posted and I'm still really new around here but I am starting to doubt myself. Someone suggested I might just be a cross dresser and it made me wonder if that might be true. Yes I like the clothes and want to wear them but I'm not sure if that's all I want or not. When I think about it I would like to have breasts, a female shape, and a feminine look but don't some cross-dressers feel that way too?
Another thing that made me doubt if I actually am trans is that I don't hate my male parts. I could probably live the rest of my life as a male even though I do dislike the way I look. I might not be happy living as a male but does that mean I am trans? Also I didn't know from a young age. I didn't play with barbies or want to wear dresses as a kid as far as I can remember. The earliest I can remember thinking about and wishing to be a girl was right around puberty which kind of makes me wonder if this is tied to my sex drive. Looking around on the web and reading different people's stories it seems like everyone who's trans is really sure and certain that they are. Am I the only one who isn't certain?
Taking all this stuff in it just makes me wonder if maybe I'm not transgender and I worry about what will happen if I get this wrong. I am really doubting myself and what I am. I feel like I want to be female and live as a woman but I'm not as certain as others. I know that no one can decide this for me but I am wondering what others think. Also I wonder how did other people know they were trans was it always so certain for everyone or were there people with doubts like me?
Any feedback would be appreciated and I want to say thanks in advance for any advice or points of view others can share with me.
Let compare stories....
...
...
...
Yup. We're pretty much the same Story-Wise.
...I think its called "Gender Euphoria" which basically means you wish to be viewed as a Woman (in your case, that is) and you're life would be better that way". Now that's just a paraphrase. What you Don't have is "Gender Dysphoria" which is the opposite. It basicly means "Unhappy about being viewed as a male (In your case)"
Some TG have both, but i believe that all have Gender Euphoria. I'm not sure. Maybe I'll make a poll on that one!
...
Anyways...
...
People think of Gender as Either :You have a Penis. Your a Male." Or "You have a Vagina. Your a Female."
In reality its actually fluid. More so than most think.
Theirs no Specific Right or Wrong way to be TG.
Yeah that's enough social interaction for today for me.
I have always doubted or debated exactly what label, or what have you, I can be. I even went so far, back in my 20's, to twice experiment with transitioning. Both times stopping, telling myself I am "more" CD than anything else. My wife also felt the same the 30+ years we've been together.
To be honest, a lot of those decisions were fear driven. I had zero self esteem, next to no self confidence, and the pain of spending a good part of my life being a target was still fresh. Lots of odd looks and the very painful and fear filled sounds of laughter convinced me that that being a TS was not me. So I spent the vast majorit of my life trying to live up to the standards of being a man as I interpreted them.
As far as the dangly bits go, We've had lots of good times together. Sure, I always wished I never had them, but I do. Perhaps the perspective of balding at 14, being an overweight kid, stutter, and assumed idiot because because I never talked much and was a mouth breather taught me to make do with what I got to work with. GRS has never never been and still is not on my radar. I never had a panty check and never expect to. (Besides some playful teasing from my wife. But she does have a license for that)
Deep down inside I always wished I was a woman. But, I made do with what I had to work with. After the excrement hit the air handler almost 5 years ago, I was essentially forced to do a life review. The result, most to all of the major disasters in my life were due to be denying a very large aspect of the person I really am. I needed to be one whole person and not the lifeless, soulless facade of a man I had morphed into.
The one single event that totally changed my perspective I remember well. It was the night of the first ever TG group meeting I went to. Tough I felt I knew a lot to most of what it is to be trans, it did not prepare me at all for being in a living room filled with a dozen women no different than me. That event was followed by another some year or so later when I once again ventured out into the real world as the real me. Not one single fearful moment. Only shear joy, freedom, a sense of a great burden having been lifted from my life.
A few months later I actually felt... empowered in sense, saying to my therapist that I am a transsexual. Though I said it many times before, that time was so different. Most of the shame and guilt I carried for 50+ years was gone. I was out in the real world being seen as and accepted as a woman.
Simple part over and done with. I now know what I am. Now, what to do about it! THAT is the tougher question
A friend's father, whom I was close to, passed away suddenly from cancer, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I felt really upset about this, and one night he spoke to me in a dream. We talked about a few things, and I said that I was sorry about not being able to say goodbye. I also asked him about my feelings about wanting to become female since I was a child, and what they meant. He told me, in the "matter of fact" but very caring way that he'd always addressed me in real life, that I'd better go ahead with it and do it. I woke up crying, went directly to my computer, and located a gender therapist. Haven't looked back :)
There is no such thing as a typical or a normal trans*person. We are just part of the total spectrum of gender identity from the testosterone oozing male sports person to the overtly feminine person. We are not separate from humanity we are a normal part.
How we feel about ourselves and what we want for ourselves is diverse. Every single identity is valid.
Be proud for being you, there are no bench marks.
It took me until the age of 35 to properly understand and accept myself this way. Once that happened I started remembering things that I had repressed over the years. But I also finally understood how certain things fit in to my trans identity, things that I previously had felt hopelessly at a loss to explain. I did have a doll that I asked for myself as a very young child and I instinctively mothered it. After my social conditioning developed enough to feel ashamed about that, an entire lifetime pattern of repetitive repression began anytime something new cropped up along these lines. Basically I was never open to having the right conversation with myself. I also felt unnecessarily ashamed of my hobbies and interests and this still messes with my mind today because they are typically male as defined by society.
While I did have a couple of silly experiments with womens' clothing as a child it wasn't until puberty hit that I acquired a strong drive to do it regularly. What I've come to understand about it is that dressing actually has very little to do with 'putting on a show' for anyone else or any kind of momentary thrill. I can just be at home going about my business and feel an instinctive sense of right and calming from it. When I put on fake boobs it is their realism that is most important to me - the weight and movement. I literally feel like they are a part of me and an extension of me, as if I'd been missing a limb all my life. My entire body image changes from this.
I don't hate my genitals but I've always been instinctively ashamed to have their presence visible. The typical male sex act also seemed entirely unnatural to me, and I know this without ever having performed it. My mindset totally changed when I discovered how much more responsive my body was to stimulation when I pictured myself as a woman with another woman and also not as the dominant. I almost thought I was asexual until I found out what my body was truly capable of. My first legit full-body orgasm from masturbation didn't occur until age 35.
My quality of life began a slow and steady decline beginning at puberty as testosterone flooded my system. The physical changes made me feel like I was looking at a stranger in the mirror and chemically I felt awful. Everything combined to create an increasing and major depression which in turn made it all worse. I don't feel great yet but I've been handling it better since having the revelations about myself. I am about to start HRT and expect some improvement in how I feel on a daily basis. Any sliver of peace and calm it can bring would be a godsend.
Hopefully some of this helps you assess the situation but keep in mind that you are a unique individual. Put everything on the table and know what things you do solely for yourself and not for others. Understand what feels instinctive and what you would want to do on a long-term basis, not just a quick dress-up. Know how these things make you feel whole when you are alone and you will be certain of how important it is to share this self-image with everyone you know.
Are you really, really sure you want to be female. I had those days many times,when I was first realized that I was transgender . You need be sure before you start HRT because after about two years or so there is no turning back. If you stop HRT your breasts will not go away breast plus there are other irreversible changes.What I am saying just be real sure you want to have female body.
Quote from: franie on August 23, 2013, 12:50:11 PM
Are you really, really sure you want to be female. I had those days many times,when I was first realized that I was transgender . You need be sure before you start HRT because after about two years or so there is no turning back. If you stop HRT your breasts will not go away breast plus there are other irreversible changes.What I am saying just be real sure you want to have female body.
Honestly most my doubts, on if I was transgender or not, came from the fact that all I have ever heard on the matter was that most trans people had always known they were, and identified very young, as the opposite gender and hated their male bodies. I however didn't experience that and it wasn't till puberty for me before I started lying in bed at night wishing and praying that I'd wake up a girl. In my head I started to wonder if I'm not suicidal and didn't always know that maybe I wasn't.
To answer the question yes I want to be female but I worry how I will feel when I get there. I worry that maybe this is all in my head and the only reason I am doing it is because I think my life will be better as a female. I worry that if it's not will I then regret doing it and further mess myself up. Sadly these are things no one can answer for me but also I can't seem to answer for myself. I honestly have no idea where the desire to be a female comes from within me but I do know it's there and I can't deny it.
There have been so many times like I mentioned above lying in bed praying, trying to make deals, and wishing to be a girl. So many times where I have day dreamed about how my life would be as a girl. So many dreams I woke up wishing it hadn't ended and a lot of pretending I was a girl when others weren't around or when I was online. I have had fantasies about everything from being pregnant to getting married and walking down the aisle in a bridal gown and at this point it all seems like too much to for too long to be a phase.
I think I am trans and just reading over what I have wrote I even sound like I am defending that I am and making an argument of the fact. I guess that's some proof in itself that I want to be seen as being trans but still I am waiting to see what a professional has to say. All I can say now is thank you to everyone here again for sharing and trying to help me sort through this a little on my own.
CM, don't know if it helps, I spent some time thinking that even though I wasn't transgender, I'd pretend I was so I could transition and live as a woman.
That was before I understood I could be trans without the traditional narrative.
I've posted before that my therapist is fond of sayingsaying: "If you've seen one transgender person, you've seen one transgender person," as a illustration of the way we're all unique.
CM, I certainly have had lots of doubts like yours, I think it's very common. Try and relax and give it some time, things will sort themselves out if you let them :)
CM...I went to my first gender therapist today and she asked me if I thought I was just a cross dresser. ..I told he no that I wanted to be a woman all the way. .not just look the part time. I went thru a lot of suppressing my feelings based on others views and what they would say. Today I dont care what others think, its all about me and being happy doing it!!
I go through doubting myself 10x a day, it is normal to doubt yourself - your just trying to figure it out.
I spent 20+ years of my life wishing to be female.
10+ of them pretending to be female online
I've only cross dressed a few times when I was around 10 - and stopped when I realized what I was doing and was dreadfully scared of getting caught
I don't recall wanting to play with girl's toys and dressing up when I was really young either.
I like stuff guys would like, video games, skateboarding, martial arts (but girls can love that stuff too)
I also don't hate my body, but I don't think I have ever been comfortable with it (This could be because I use to be teased A lot when I was younger.), and if I had to I think I could survive this life as a guy.
But as you see we are all different and because of this we have to all figure it out.
What ever you decide doesn't matter as long as it makes you happy. Most people just wanna be happy.
Currently I am leaning towards actually being Transsexual.
This what I do - list out in your head or write it down, why you think your transgender or why you don't think. It may help you come to terms, also read peoples stories, educate yourself!
There's one thing I didn't say that I think you should know... If you go through it carefully, and do things right, are honest and aren't a generally very impulsive person, it's almost impossible for you to go wrong for long. Honestly, I don't think I've ever heard of a detransition/regret case that wasn't:
-Someone impulsive, not to say whom I sort of suspect of maybe being bipolar, who either rushed through things without really understanding them and got desperate at the smallest of hurdles or made things go so fast that they didn't have (and didn't allow themselves) time to think.
-Unrelated to their own feelings (as in, they got the worst number out of the lottery and they were threatened of all sorts of awful things if they transitioned, or they got another kind of awful number in that HRT was near-useless on them for some reason)
-Due to misguidance by someone else (religious "therapists" for example)
-Someone who lied to others and maybe to themselves, who definitely wasn't trans and was only doing it out of sexual thrill/on a whim/etc.
Honestly none of the above really sounds like you. Now, I'm not telling you "I really don't think you're making a mistake if you go down the road of transition". It's more like "I really don't think you'll go down the wrong path far enough for it to have any major consequences".
Thing is, most of the time, the more you go through transition and HRT - which is a slow process, the more you'll be sure of things. If it's right for you, in most cases, the more you progress, the more things will somehow just feel more right to you. And if you're going down the wrong path, then soon enough, things will start to feel wrong in all kinds of ways. Often, that is. And then there's plenty of time for you to tell your therapist about how you're feeling and perhaps decide to halt transition or head towards a different kind of transition.
But honestly, from what I've felt and read, that sort of thing won't require much help from your therapist. In many cases, it'll come down as nearly a divine revelation. (Okay, I may be going a bit strong with that, and I can only truly speak for myself since the rest were written accounts that I read, but you get what I mean.)
If I had to put a strong image on it, I'd see it as a naive problem teenager with bad acquaintances who gets convinced to commit a murder to steal something and make money. He'll agree, but when the time to commit the crime comes, even though he's not questioning his previous logical solution that it's a great plan and all, not because he fears the police, but because it just feels WRONG, he won't do it. Maybe this only happens on TV, but the image should still be helpful.
It's not a guarantee, but I believe there's a good chance that gradually, at some point, what you're doing will feel just inherently right or wrong. Now even though the feeling, if it appears, might be unmistakable, and you might feel like you don't need the therapist to tell you what it is, it's probably helpful to discuss that feeling with them before making a decision, in case it's induced by other factors like subconscious fear, and to reassure you in your decision, should you make one at that point.
Not to say that your logic should be ditched, but you don't have to worry about it so much. Even once HRT is started - and honestly, in many cases, before that there are several months of time with a therapist to shed light on things - you have a big margin for turning back. Some develop faster than others, but I think it's safe to say that 4-6 months is a good amount of time you can be near-guaranteed to have for turning back with very little aftereffects. And even then, I think even a full year, turning back is still not all that hard.
Also, it's not true that breasts will not resorb when HRT is stopped. A member here detransitioned after a very long time, deciding that he wasn't an MTF transsexual after all, and is happy going with his life as an androgynous model. And apparently his breasts are completely gone. I imagine they weren't D's, but still.
Anyhow, a more accurate statement is that you shouldn't expect breasts - especially fully grown - to be literally cancelled. But they almost definitely will shrink to some extent.
I'm tired and I feel like this post is a bit foggy. I hope I'm making sense and not rambling too much.
That made very good sense A thanks again for your comments. I am going to see a therapist when I find one where I live, not easy to find a sexual therapist in Tennessee apparently, and at the moment I think it'll probably be to start my transition. After reading all this from other people I am a little more certain in my beliefs
If you can't find a specialized one, you know, just any competent therapist can do the job rather well too.
CM, I hope that we have been able to give you some clarity about making the transition, you are right in asking and making sure this is really want you want It will life changing. Remember you and only you can make that decision. :)
Here's an interview I did just after starting HRT and being outed by the media. The public radio reporter asked all the questions raised here, and for once in my unnatural life, I was completely honest with my answers:
http://www.scpr.org/programs/offramp/2013/06/13/32242/bob-tur-legendary-chopper-pilot-has-gender-identit/
Hope this helps. In the end, if you're transgender you know it...you've always known it.
That was interesting. Though there are two things I'd like to point out:
- You might be generalizing a little too much. I may have misunderstood, but there are many aspects of your experience (such as having always known it) that you seem to apply to everyone, but I think things are much more varied than that.
- You talked about a scientist who discovered the genetic links behind transsexualism and homosexuality. Just recently I've heard about a new research that came out saying that much more of those things might be environmentally influenced than we think, so I assume the debate is far from closed, but I'm interested. Do you have a link? If possible something vulgarized. As a non-native speaker who never learned the slightest notion of science in English (and doesn't have a scientific background to begin with), I am unable to understand the formal papers at all. Ya know, those things that start with an "abstract".
Though the most shocking thing is how very open about all sorts of things you are. Even things he didn't ask. I could never go nearly that far or be so assertive. I felt a big mix of stupefaction and impressed-ness (seriously, my mind doesn't seem to be able to dig that word up tonight) all along. So uhm, congrats. I thought coming out to my classmates was a big deal, and yet.
PS: Wow, US indeed. You two talked about guns on a public radio. Just like that. It was the first time I actually had an example of it. You Americans probably don't understand how special/shocking that is to an outsider, haha.
As I spend more time on HRT I realize how little I knew when I did that interview. The public radio reporter asked me for an update on my progress and I'm going to be a bit more careful about the generalities. Hormones change so much, even sexual attraction, which scientific abstracts say isn't the case. So much for scientific papers.
About being open and out. Once news broke I decided I had enough living a lie. I decided to be as honest as humanly possible to help others like me and you. Given the level of media attention I think it went a long way to informing the public that this is either a genetic condition, or influenced in utero through hormones, like cortosol...To think otherwise is to give the pray away gay movement that more and more states are banning a whole new group to pray upon. Gene Dysphoria is NOT caused by weak fathers, aggressive mothers, gays, priests, nuns, or by the latest Nina Richi dress collection.
Try this link. It's technical, but a great place to start: http://aebrain.blogspot.com.au/p/transsexual-and-intersex-gender-identity.html
As for guns. In my lines of work I've seen over a thousand victims of gun violence and having nothing against the private ownership of firearms.
Thanks. That was interesting.
I made a post about this but the basis of it was it was just something I've always felt and every time I would push it away it kept coming back. I was never comfortable with the idea of being a man. I thought I was gay but I could never relate to any of the gay guys I knew other than fact we both liked penis. Every person or character I ever related to and wished I could be like has always been female. After years of being in denial, I put it all together and that's how I knew.
Quote from: Magnolia88 on August 29, 2013, 02:25:54 AM
I thought I was gay but I could never relate to any of the gay guys I knew other than fact we both liked penis. Every person or character I ever related to and wished I could be like has always been female. After years of being in denial, I put it all together and that's how I knew.
Spot on Magnolia. I, like you, thought I was gay, but didn't fit in. JUst ask any of your cisgender female friends if they'd date a gay man? They'll say no. Just isn't the same.
The road to self realization is a long one, and don't be surprised by the sudden turns! I think of being transgender as a gift. How many humans have the blessing of transitioning genders, and living two lives. Like the line from the Virginia Woolf book Orlando: Same person. No difference at all... just a different sex. Perfect!
Quote from: Skye-Blue on August 22, 2013, 04:00:31 PM
When I really knew was when I asked myself "Could I be a cis-male who wanted hrt?", and my answer was a resounding "no". 995 of cis-males do not want to look female and start taking hormones to change their bodies.
Skye-Blue, that was the single most insightful piece of advice I've read on this board ever. If I was comfortable as a male, happy with who I was, would I want to take hormones to look more female?
Not a chance.
Ergo, probably some issues to talk to a therapist about at the very least.
Looking at these problems from the other perspective really helps, er, put things into perspective. :)