She only introduced herself as my 19 year old daughter a few weeks ago. She's been hiding in my son's dark room for years. I am mourning that they have been so lost and suffocated for so long.
I have been out with her a couple times now. We got her hair highlighted and trimmed to style and bought some girly clothes. She is lovely and I love being with and getting to know her. I am not used to her yet.
My son is still here for us and I think he's a bit happier. Maybe he'll continue to help in the process.
We actually chatted more about coming out yesterday. She has no fears about being herself, something I haven't seen in my son in years.
I laughed about how I have recently had to mark my husband's underwear to differentiate between his and my son's when doing laundry. Today, I did our 'delicates' laundry, and had to look twice to separate mine from hers!
We haven't made the adjustments yet. It will take time for all of us and I am grateful she's being patient with us. It truly helps that we are in the process with counseling.
There's so much work to do, and we don't know where it will all go. It's a big world and it's not all about me.
I am glad to see you and your family are coming to accept the fact your daughter has always been there just stuck in the black and white. You must be male or female just because we say so.
Just something i wish to share, remember to breathe. Sometimes in this whole mess of the unknown we forget to take the time to breathe.
I wish your daughter all the best in this path she will walk. Remember it is her path in life to walk and she is going to have hard times going forward. It does get better just need to keep walking forward and keeping her head held high. This is and never has been a choice, it is a wrong that we need to make right.
Hugs
Izzy
Hi there
I'd like to add an even more optimistic note to this thread. Born in 1957, in a very, very conservative country, when I was the age of your daughter, there was absolutely no knowledge or understanding of these issues. It was a very, very lonely place to be. Fast forward to 2013 and even someone as old as I can transition successfully, even on the job.
Sure it has been hard at times but so many other tough things can hit people in the course of their life than I'm not sure I'd include GID in even the top 5 of difficiulties people can have to face in their lives.
Even more than that, I think that between the way society is evolving on such issues and all the medical technique that is available to rectify what biology got wrong, it has never been easier to put things straight.
In my own case, today my boss, with a big smile, told me he can't wait to see the female me show up at work (I am by the way a senior manager in a 500M$ business) and my transition has been given the green light by the top management of our mother company, a 2 Billion $ business.
For me, very much a dream coming true but also a very clear sign that being T.G is becoming less and less of a problem in many countries around the planet.
Wishing you and your daughter every happiness!
Donna
Thank you for your words of hope.
Donna, I am so pleased you shared your story here for us. It is indeed good to hear of your success.
As a parent, isn't that what we truly wish for our children.
Although I have believed I was raising a son with all the traditional hopes that go with that, he has not been growing and moving forward in the past few years, the way one would expect.
I wish I had known sooner what he was struggling with.
Perhaps finding herself will help her blossom.
tbunny, I'm a parent too. I am also trans. I was socialized male, and like Donna, grew up in the 60s and 70s and 80s without the knowledge-base, or ability to sort out me feelings.
I am not sure my parents would have been as accepting as you have been. You are a blessing in your daughter's life. Too many in our community become chronically depressed, and far, far too many attempt suicide. My wish is that your daughter continues to open up to you, and that you strive to understand how brave she is for correcting the inequity that Nature dealt to her.
Good on you for being so supportive of your daughter. Not many parents have the courage or strength to accept their children's wishes as you are doing. I can only wish your family happiness and congratulate you on being so wonderful. I wish their were more parents (and people!) out there like you.
She wants to be known in a female role. Whatever that means. I feel she's going overboard and trying to make up for lost time. Unfortunately things don't move as quickly as we would like.
Just because I can recognize her as my daughter doesn't mean I can wave a magic wand and make her a princess or cover girl.
Help me, Lord. She's not of slight build, over 6 feet tall and wears size 12W shoes. Several years have grown dense hair on legs and arms with stragglers on her face and belly. Her voice is low register. I know I would be anxious if I had similar issues! But I can't help change that yet!
Please don't get me started on why I am no role model for femininity. If not for my petite build, I would be "sired" every day of my life not decorated as a female. Yes I am a physiological female. Perhaps I can be termed cisfemale. But I have lived my life toward the masculine end of the spectrum. My name is phonetically masciline. I hate long hair. I wear makeup a few days in a year, same goes for overtly femine clothing. I may shave body hair weekly to monthly....or more. I work in a masculine profession but physically cannot always match my male coworkers for strength. At work my uniform is all male.. but I have HIPS! I do have some femme mannerisms and I am only attracted to masculine males...not "bears" though ;) I do NOT like to shop. I prefer action and Sci Fi movies to chick flicks. And have almost no femme friends. So, my girl will just have to settle for having a "different" guide in transition.
I was once asked by a co worker if I thought I'd like being a man. My answer was simple and straightforward without hesitation. No. The whys and wherefores are really left unexplained. I don't correct pronouns and rarely spelling of my name. When I get the.." oh, I thought you were a guy before. " I just shrug. "I get that a lot". I have been called dyke, lesbian, queer through most of my life. Even told I looked like a lesbian by my daughter back a few years! So, even she must think I'm crazy for not being in the femme zone!
Funny how the mirror still can't show us what others see.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
She's very lucky to have a mother like you. I'm sure you will be a wonderful role model! Not every cis female on earth loves pink, ponies and dresses. Now there is a wide spectrum of female, so no "version" is the right or wrong one. From hearing you speak, I'm sure your daughter will become a beautiful young rounded woman, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
She is very lucky to have a mother like you. Well done you, just what every parent should be like. x
I am learning about myself as much as who my child is.
I am beginning to think she may be more like me every day. I really was beyond pleased when I knew I was having a boy. I had no idea how I would raise a girl. I was raised by a single Dad and my Mom was thrust back into my life during late teens. I now know that I hated that part of my life, Like many teens. Unfortunately, I have laid most of the blame on her. Now I may be over compensating with my kid. As a boy, he has been miserable. Funny, but when I stuffed myself into girly mode I was miserable. .. except when it came to sexuality. Love that part of being a "straight" woman. I do the girl things of nurturing. I carry my emotions on my sleeve. And on special occasions I like enhancing my femininity.
What must my kid be going through?
Confession time: I still ask why can't you just be an effeminate boy? Really? Hey , Mom. Why can't you just be a femme woman?
Dammit this is turning into a blog. I just want to share my process of understanding. And to let everyone know I am trying. But I'm still getting stuck on gender physiology. Truth. We are a dysfunctional family. It just gets worse with a child that's been loathing their body and how it doesn't present to the world what she wants it to see. Hmmm sounds not unlike any cis*. My child is my kid. I love her however she's presenting. But I want the world to know the person I can see in our unguarded moments. That's what drives me.
I walk around saying, if only we knew sooner!
I don't want her to change her name. But that's not my place. .. On the other hand, I'm unwilling to call her by that name yet. of course I just limit the use of the given name and just use "you" and "kiddo". She hasn't reiterated that she's ready to transition fully. She really can't yet. Dad is stuck on the concept of his son having a boyfriend.
She wears feminine shirts and a bra half the time. another 1/3 the time she's sequestered in her room with video games, computer and Netflix. So, I'm not super Mom of trans* teen.
I will be insensitive some times, nurturing and even codependent others.
It's a process. My adoreable son isn't gone yet. I am holding him hostage while learning how to stand on my own. I've oft repeated thst he is the best "thing" I've ever done. Yeah, I claim birthright to be proud of and take credit for the person that shares much of my genetics and home for the past 19 years. We've been through a lot together and I cannot lock all that away as invalid because his body doesn't match what she feels.
I ask that we keep it real. Just because you have a physical disfigurement doesn't mean you're not human and lovely before you're able to compensate or correct it. The rest of the world should just accept what is.
I have lots to learn from the person that is blossoming from the cocoon. Theres nothing wrong with loving my caterpillar too, as he was. Ill learn to see the facets I missed before. Too trite?
Hiya tbunny, I am glad you are here sharing.
I should say, because of the subjects discussed, I have needed to use mixed pronouns, but I think I kinda had to, in order to explain my point. Anyways...
imagine you woke up one day, look in the mirror and saw a man. A hairy, muscly man, with man features. You walk downstairs and everyone else thinks it normal but you feel like you are pretending to be what they expect. Would you say, 'meh, I suppose I will just be a girly man' or would you put it right? I am guessing that, if you are like me, the use of words like 'he' and 'his' used about you, would make you silently cringe. I think that's why she can't just be a femme boy. Believe me, I was that femme boy, but it isn't enough, because its not *right* and you can only hide yourself for so long until it takes its toll on you. Its best not to ask her to be anything other than who she is. :-)
A caring mother such as you with your desire to understand, will figure that out though. :-)
I never understood the 'loss of a son/daughter' idea. I am kinda guessing here but I can only imagine that it is based on the desire to have a 'typical boy', and the change in expectations of what they would do with their life. But that's odd as I bet 'he' could have changed those expectations without transition and you wouldn't have mourned the loss of 'him'. If 'he' had grown up to be that femme boy, basically a girls interests, actions, mannerisms, style, personality etc. but without being called 'she', would you have morned the loss of a son, because he didn't want to play football and do boy things? No, I doubt it very much. He would be your son regardless of what his preferences were. You wouldn't have lost a son, you would just have found out that he was different from most other boys, and that isn't a bad thing.
Take that same situation and add in the name and pronoun change. She, hers, etc. Does that steal your 'son' away; just the word change? No it doesn't. I could have a child and call them any words I like, but my feelings remain the same for them.
I suppose I am trying to say that I am guessing that you are not mourning the loss of a son, actually you are morning your the loss of your expectations of what your child would do with their life and that really could easily have been the same, whether your child transitioned or not. They could quite easily have taken so many paths that weren't what you had in mind for them and normally do, so try not to attribute that to transition. I think this is the same for others but, transition actually changed little about me, except how I looked, the words people used to address me and how happy I am. Other than that, I remain the same I think.
What do I know though hey? :-)
I bet if you would address your daughter as her, it would make her so happy, getting a token of support, which is a big deal as transitioning is really really scary and it can often feel like nobody will accept you! I know I would love it if my family would address me properly, but they would have to start talking to me again first!
Good luck with everything :-)
Akira x
I read your posts and I cry. You are such a wonderful mother. Not perfect; no person is. There will be challenges and hard times, but you are wonderful.
My mother knew. My mother tried. It was her daughter that denied the truth. We became estranged, mostly due to me trying to hide from myself. In the end, we became close again, if only for a little while. Yet, she never met me as me. We missed that, to my sorrow.
Meet the coming challenges as you have been: with love for your daughter. No mother could do better.
Hugs,
Jen
You rock tbunny ^.^
I'm going to stand up and give you a round of applause Tbunny. You deserve it! I hope I will have the same experience that your daughter has had when I come out to my parents. It's hard on everyone but in the end it's worth it to have a child that's truly happy and not trying to put up a fake front and smile through the pain. Hugs! :D
Tbunny, I applaud your support and your daughters bravery. I as well have tears in my eyes right now, happy one's. I never had the support of a parent like you. You really don't know the freedom and relief you provided your child. It will make all the difference in her future. Please keep us posted of her progress. BIG HUG! :)
I appreciate all the feedback. This is my child s/he has been so cocooned for years. Still now not knowing what is right. I have been asking if I should use her feminine name. She has saud that at this point it's ok to keep with her given name. I am at peace with whatever changes I need to make for her transition.
We just came back from a family trip to Europe. She was sick for much of it and the packing and moving between cities was grueling. Regardless, we got to do some unique things together. Once in a lifetime things. Now we're home and it's time to regroup and move forward. I spoke with Dad last night and he is still of the impression that this is a phase and our son will move through it after some experimentation. It is not a denial nor full acceptance.
Our next hurdle will be a drastic change in disposable income due to changes to our employer health insurance. yeah, it is a negative impact without a full understanding of the changes other than going from an average expense of $3500 out of pocket annually to $8500 . This is without considering what coverage we would need for therapy and medical care for transition!
Alright enough of the ugly money issues. We must connect with other people who are understanding of the transitional issues. She needs to learn how to look and act feminine in order to present herself as herself.
And onward we move.
My mother said I died to her because of this crazy transition talk. Do you need another child? *giggles* ;D You're daughter is so lucky, I hope she understands that. Good job, Mom. you have done well and responded admirably.
And now we are back for another episode of "as the girl turns" :-)
At her last therapist visit I was told she feels as if we're not taking this seriously. Well, not so. We've been away and rather sick fighting a couple bouts with viruses. The therapist called me later with a referral to another therapist that deals in trans* issues. Also got the number to a local GLBT Center. I found a bi-monthly support group meeting for trans*. The group would meet 2 days before we go to the psychiatrist for anti depressants and official treatment for insurance. Still don't know where that will go. Anyway I view it as a step toward HRT.
I had an appointment with our therapist on the afternoon of the group meeting and had a 45min drive to his office. I assured the therapist that I will go back and get my kid and drive back into the city for the meeting. Well, DD texted me that she wasn't ready for that sort of thing. Well, I was going back anyway. She says she'll go after she's on anti depressants.
It was an awesome group with more than a few girls just like her! I met ladies at all stages of transition. All are lovely! I shared my experience as non binary person. Yup, it's true I have clearly lived outside the binary gendered standards. Now I feel closer to understanding the spectrum of experience. They are all so looking forward to meeting my daughter. I am literally counting the days until that next meeting! I so want her to know how OK she really is.
She's so down that when I asked her if I should be calling her by her chosen name, she said she's fine for now. I'm so ready to see her blossom. Now I have to learn to not be pushy.
It's great that you are so supportive..I am a cis female dating a FTM.. his parents were very hard on him. Transition can be confusing for not only the person going through it but the people involved and as long as people take the time to educate themselves and give unconditional love and support then the person going through the transition has such a easier time. My boyfriend has become so much happier now that he has grown into himself. Your daughter is very lucky to have a parent like you!
Quote from: tbunny on September 06, 2013, 01:00:41 PM
She only introduced herself as my 19 year old daughter a few weeks ago. She's been hiding in my son's dark room for years. I am mourning that they have been so lost and suffocated for so long.
I have been out with her a couple times now. We got her hair highlighted and trimmed to style and bought some girly clothes. She is lovely and I love being with and getting to know her. I am not used to her yet.
My son is still here for us and I think he's a bit happier. Maybe he'll continue to help in the process.
We actually chatted more about coming out yesterday. She has no fears about being herself, something I haven't seen in my son in years.
I laughed about how I have recently had to mark my husband's underwear to differentiate between his and my son's when doing laundry. Today, I did our 'delicates' laundry, and had to look twice to separate mine from hers!
We haven't made the adjustments yet. It will take time for all of us and I am grateful she's being patient with us. It truly helps that we are in the process with counseling.
There's so much work to do, and we don't know where it will all go. It's a big world and it's not all about me.
This is wonderful... I wish my parents were as "in tune" with my feelings and needs. I hope you continue to stay by her side and live long happy lives together.
Quote from: tbunny on September 06, 2013, 01:00:41 PM
She only introduced herself as my 19 year old daughter a few weeks ago. She's been hiding in my son's dark room for years. I am mourning that they have been so lost and suffocated for so long.
I have been out with her a couple times now. We got her hair highlighted and trimmed to style and bought some girly clothes. She is lovely and I love being with and getting to know her. I am not used to her yet.
My son is still here for us and I think he's a bit happier. Maybe he'll continue to help in the process.
We actually chatted more about coming out yesterday. She has no fears about being herself, something I haven't seen in my son in years.
I laughed about how I have recently had to mark my husband's underwear to differentiate between his and my son's when doing laundry. Today, I did our 'delicates' laundry, and had to look twice to separate mine from hers!
We haven't made the adjustments yet. It will take time for all of us and I am grateful she's being patient with us. It truly helps that we are in the process with counseling.
There's so much work to do, and we don't know where it will all go. It's a big world and it's not all about me.
tbunny:
You're an absolutely awesome parent. This stuff is hard to deal with. Nobody has all the right answers. Keep moving forward. It's gonna be ok. ;)
I only wish my parents would have been a little bit like you in the early 60's. :'(
tbunny you are way admirable and I so appreciate your sharing with us. I never gave my parents the chance to know me. Like others with ancient history here, growing up in the 50s and early 60's was often punctuated by coming home from school in tears and an inability to grasp what what so very wrong.
I am beginning to look a lot like my mom and that is both validation and something I can only imagine would have been fun to share with her.
Far better to be in your real world and be doing so much to continue a loving relationship with the daughter you do get to know.
Yea, you do rock!
Thank you, dear folks. We still are moving forward one step at a time. She finally decide to make appointments for laser treatment of facial hair. I bought her several outfits before and for Christmas gifts. Dad is still of the mind she is in a phase.
She is beginning to lobby to bring her sweetheart from his midwest world to our home. She feels they would be a strong mutual support. This will be a hurdle. It's difficult to consider bringing someone else into our chaotic world. We have neglected housekeeping for over a year. Just basic hygenic chores have been maintained. You know, dishes, garbage, washing up etc. The clutter is almost overwhelming. But my girl is trying. Now I have to step up.
I have tried taking her to trans* support meetings at our local glbt center. But she skipped the last 2. She needs to keep up to show she's making an effort for herself. I know I can't do it for her.
This has planted a seed of concern in my mind. Is she feeling the need to transition because at some points in her life she felt she was better suited to being a strong woman, kinda like Mom? Or on the same line, did she feel she was lesser for being a sensitive boy and unable to relate to her testosterone laden Dad? I am guilty of feeling my boy was way too "soft" for his own good. I even believed that if he was a girl, I'd be furious that she was so sensitive too often.
It's time to move forward and put the past behind. May the new year bring hope, health and happiness for us all.
I wouldn't be concerned. I have never heard of anyone deciding to be trans in order to be like one parent or other. In fact science suggests that it is set in the brain before birth. It doesn't matter if you let them play with dolls or trucks as they grow up, they will be who they will be.
Hugs x
Thanks for continuing to share with us. I agree with Akira and yet understand the limits to our understanding of the nature and nurture influences. My mom was rarely "girly" and seldom did her hair or make up and I share some of that attitude. Many of us are very definite about having a life long gender identity concern not related to our parents but intrinsically who we are. I often thought of my dad as the best example of the kind of man I was not. Our genes may be inescapable but it's what we do with what we got that counts
As a parent to two adults I also agree with your comments that suggest we cannot do it for them. Some level of support can discourage independence and it is a challenge to see a clear line sometimes?
2014 is a bright new year of promise and I hope your journey rolls out smoothly.
Its clearly time to move forward with more purpose. We went to our support group last night and our peers made it clear she IS living full-time. She hasn't presented as male since October. She hasn't shaved in week or so, in preparation of 1st laser session. But she doesn't consider her life "living" I'm inclined to agree.
She doesn't go anywhere without a parent because she has developed no independence and has no social life. She cannot drive and little enthusiasm to learn, knowing how the cost of insurance will strain financial resources that can be used in transition. We see her therapist this week and will schedule an appointment with a new physician to begin HRT next week. I'm sure HRT will help.
She believes the only real help will come from her distant boyfriend moving in with us. He's nearly as dependent as her. has severe anxiety issues and cannot drive, either.But at least he is employed part time.
Where we live, the closest place to get employment is 3-5 miles. Weather is very variable, so walking or bicycling is rather impractical. We need some advice to get unstuck. Heck we need a financial miracle. It's not like others haven't been in more difficult circumstances. I guess it's because I have very little margin of energy available to contribute to the cause.
I dont know that Dad and I can do this. This will need to be brought to the therapist's attention.
tbunny, your daughter needs to start carrying her own weight. You have been extremely supportive, but support is a two-way street. If she is not working outside of the house, then her job should be to keep the house clean. She has to allow you your life!
3 to 5 miles is not insurmountable on a bicycle. You might consider a moped, which, depending on where you live, does not need a drivers license to be operated. And what about public transportation?
Jaime, public transport is abysmal in our REGION. population density cannot support it.
We will talk more this week about it. The young man has anxiety difficulties and our house is just underr average size for the area. Our living room has been occupied by our 2 house bunnies for nearly two years. The sleeper sofa has been broken for years under duress from a teenage boy and friends. The bunnies have further reduced its usability. the house is showing its wear and tear from family use. Its time for us to refresh everything. Yup, gonna need work. Hate to subject a virtual stranger to such upheaval.
Oh and time to turn this endless topic into a blog. Not sure where or how. I truly appreciate the views of this community. Your experiences are more relevant than the average Janes and Joes around me.
Tbunny,
I was in tears reading your posts; I can relate to your story and share some of your frustrations. I'm the mother of a f2m transgendered young adult. I came to this site looking for people to relate to and yours was the first post I read.
I love your raw honesty and hope I will be able to be that honest in my posts. You sound like an amazing mom and to echo what others have said already; your daughter is very fortunate to have you.
I know their transitions are not about us but man did it feel good to read about someone who may actually get what I am going through during this transition.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you amd your family nothing but success and love.
Welcome to you Tony's Mom. Hang in there. It's a long strange trip I feel.
But she is my kid and I love her. I honestly have way too much invested in raising this child to throw it away.
We still haven't gotten to the HRT due to ignorance on the part of our long-time therapy team snd insurance worries. Keeping fingers crossed. Tomorrow is a first consult for laser hair abatement on her face. She has very little beard growth as of yet but what she has is hard to bear. I have the advantage of walking in the shoes of a teen girl a few years back. So it's easy for me to feel her pain.
It truly helps to put yourself in your kid's place and imagine what it would be like. What would you need from your family.? I try to be supportive without pandering. Hard to do when you can see them struggle.
I look forward to continuing to share and listen to others walking this road to living a genuine life.
Quote from: Akira21 ♡♡♡ on January 02, 2014, 02:38:09 PM
In fact science suggests that it is set in the brain before birth. It doesn't matter if you let them play with dolls or trucks as they grow up, they will be who they will be.
I agree completely! My son is a twin. His sister lived the same life as my son with the same toys, opportunities, disadvantages, dolls, trucks etc and obviously they couldn't be any more different.
It has been very quiet around here in the world of transition. But today we see the doctor who will start kiddo on hormones. I'm hoping for a prescription before blood work comes back, but not holding my breath.
I'll start another Topic for this new phase.