So a couple of days ago I did the thing that I had been dreading my entire life. I came out to my dad this past Friday. The kicker, of this whole thing, is that my father works with me and for me. Yes I said for me. So after work on Friday I went to my parents house after work with the intent to tell him. I sat inside my car on the side of their house for about 10 minutes before I finally mustered up the courage to go inside. I was literally yelling at myself to go inside and tell him. I knocked on the door and my mother answered. I mouthed to her that I was there to tell my dad. I had come out to my mother a couple of months ago now. She knew what I meant immediately and gave me a big hug and told me that she loved me and that everything would work out. She said she would be there when I needed her.
After I walked in my dad realized that I was there and began to talk to me about work stuff. We "shot the ->-bleeped-<-" for about 10 minutes or so. Then I finally just asked him to turn off the T.V., that I had something I needed to talk to him about. I danced around what I was going to say for a minute or two. Than I said that there was something that I had been dealing with for most of my life. That it was something that I had been wanting to tell him, specifically, for sometime. Then I just told him that I was transgender.
He didn't know what transgender meant so I gave him the summed up definition. I said basically that I was a woman trapped in a mans body. As a disclaimer, I don't personally subscribe to that notion of being trapped in my body, but I digress... As soon as I told him that definition the blood drained from his face a little bit and he assumed a very stoic expression. After a couple of seconds he uttered plainly, "I don't know what you want me to say." To which I could only respond with tears at that point.
After a couple of minutes of awkward silence he asked if my mom knew. So I immediately called out to my mom who was eves dropping in the other room. When she entered he asked her if she knew. My mom went on to explain that she had known for a little while. She also started to try to explain a little bit about the situation. She told him that I did not choose this, it was and isn't a choice anyone would really make. She said that this was very hard for me. She also said that she could tell, after she saw me as my real self, that I was meant to be this way. Obviously my mom is supportive of me, which is the greatest comfort I have found in my transition thus far, with the one exception of my new girlfriend. (Love you baby!) I was completely broken down and crying at this point. She was by my side comforting me and rubbing my back. After my mom was done giving her point of view he was visibly distraught.
When my mom was done explaining her point of view a little, he finally found some words. He said, "I love you, you will always be my son. I will always refer to you as such. I will only ever call you by _____. That was the name that I gave you and that is the name you will always have." After he said that I completely lost it and was crying uncontrollably. My mom was whispering in my ear that he didn't mean it like it sounded and that he was trying to tell me that he loved me. In a way I could see how she might think that. But, honestly, I know my father fairly well and I know exactly what he meant by those words. I know, to him, I will always be something I never was. After I was able to gather some measure of composure I said something that would allow me to go home. I can't quite recall what it was that I said.
Fast forward a couple days to Monday morning. I guess he showed up early to work. One of the other employees was there. The other employee told me that about an hour or so before I got there that my dad had gone home "sick". I tried to not really show on my face what this meant exactly as I was and am pretty emotional about all of this. I ended up going to the bathroom and having a bit of a cry. I tried to text my mom to see how he was doing. She just plainly said that "He is not taking this very well at all." I tried to inquire further as to what was going on or if he had spoken anymore to her about it. But as of right this moment, I am still awaiting a reply. I was talking to my sister about this about the same time. She was saying that I should make an appointment with my therapist.( I already had a couple day ago) I tried to get some sort of solace from her but she just mentioned the therapist again. I know that she means well but I think in regards to this particular situation she is at a loss for words.
The one bit of silver lining to all of this is that I am finally out to him. That sounds like a simple act but for me this was the biggest step in my transition. Bigger than my first time out dressed or taking hormones or anything. This was my big thing to overcome, by far. He didn't disown me, but by no means are things "ok". A lot of work and effort is going to have to go into our relationship, on both sides. Hopefully he is willing to put in the effort on his end. I know my mom will be there to urge him in the right direction. But at least I have finally started down this road I have been unwilling to walk for so long.
<3 Liv
Olivia, I'm proud of you. Give him a little time, and let your mom run interference for you.
I have a little secret for you. After you get SRS the serious transition starts. See prior to that its your time to learn but all that while you can always turn back.
After SRS everything is real and needless to say as time goes by you loose the ability to associate what life was like before. You also loose that feedback from people since you blend better. You then start asking yourself how your doing and since you have no feedback it is a challenge. LOL
Just a couple examples of what its like after SRS.
In my experience, the scariest and most difficult part of transition is going full-time and coming out to people as transitioning. Really making the decision to transition is the most difficult step (in my own experience). Anyway... those are the most difficult things to accomplish.
Why? Because the thing we as humans tend to fear most of all is fear. We fear fear. Give us something concrete to overcome we can do anything but left alone to our own imaginations fear becomes a deep dark pit that we can never climb out of.
*hugs tight* That was very brave of you and I'm sorry it didn't go exactly the way one would hope. But, you are dealing way better than I would ever be able to.
Olivia it takes a lot of courage to come out especially to people who have known you since birth. This is a huge step in you're transition. And while it did not go as smoothly as you had hoped at least you have you're mom on you're side. Give you're dad time to digest this news he just might come around.
My dad use to say the same thing about calling me by my birth name but after a few months he is slowly getting use to calling me Beth, thought he refuses to use female pronouns. But who knows that might change soon. So keep you're hopes up and maybe you're dad will realise just how much this means to you.
I wish you nothing but the best in you're transition.
Big Hugs
Hang in there. I beleive he will come around but it will take time, perhaps a lot of time.
Congrads for having the strength reqiuired to do this.
Hugs,
Jen
Quote from: Katie on September 09, 2013, 08:49:57 PM
I have a little secret for you. After you get SRS the serious transition starts. See prior to that its your time to learn but all that while you can always turn back.
After SRS everything is real and needless to say as time goes by you loose the ability to associate what life was like before. You also loose that feedback from people since you blend better. You then start asking yourself how your doing and since you have no feedback it is a challenge. LOL
Just a couple examples of what its like after SRS.
Sooo, a girl that is a non-op is not considered to have transitioned? This was a post more personal than broad. This is the hardest part of MY transition. I have a little secret for
you, once you tell someone you're trans you can never go back. The no turning back point is not SRS. Sorry if this post seems a little pointed, I'm just a smart-ass.
Thank you for your support ladies, I just needed to get those words out of my head. They have been swimming around in there the past couple days. :-\
<3 Liv
Congrats Olivia, I know how you feel. Telling my dad I was transgender was who I was most worried about telling (and the reason I didn't do anything sooner). He's also very conservative and religious. He had a similar reaction to your father and took it very hard. I told him over a weekend I was home from school for a few days, and he hardly spoke to me before I went back. I ended up moving back in with my parents a couple months later, and for several months things between us were tough. I was dressing in more feminine clothes and the effects from HRT were very apparent.
Slowly though things have gotten better though. He still has some difficulty using my preferred name and gender pronouns, but he isn't as distant as he previously was. We have even been able to talk some things through about how I feel, and he's told me although it is difficult for him to see me this way, he is becoming more accepting towards everything.
I do hope things get better for you. I also broke down a week later and spent two whole days crying (thankfully my brother was able to help with all my doubts and fears). Although we still have a ways to go, things between us have gotten better. It just takes time.
I realy agree with Olivia. She hit the nail on the head! Can't add anything better.
Samantha
Quote from: Rachel84 on September 09, 2013, 10:58:36 PM
Congrats Olivia, I know how you feel. Telling my dad I was transgender was who I was most worried about telling (and the reason I didn't do anything sooner). He's also very conservative and religious. He had a similar reaction to your father and took it very hard. I told him over a weekend I was home from school for a few days, and he hardly spoke to me before I went back. I ended up moving back in with my parents a couple months later, and for several months things between us were tough. I was dressing in more feminine clothes and the effects from HRT were very apparent.
Slowly though things have gotten better though. He still has some difficulty using my preferred name and gender pronouns, but he isn't as distant as he previously was. We have even been able to talk some things through about how I feel, and he's told me although it is difficult for him to see me this way, he is becoming more accepting towards everything.
I do hope things get better for you. I also broke down a week later and spent two whole days crying (thankfully my brother was able to help with all my doubts and fears). Although we still have a ways to go, things between us have gotten better. It just takes time.
Thank you, I can see that you can relate. I am hoping that all it will take is some time. That is what my siblings are saying. But like anything, only time will tell.
<3 Liv
Congrats on having the courage to tell your dad, especially face to face. I know it is hard, mine was the hardest as well. Now we will see if he has the courage to accept you as mine did.
Olivia, time "heals" everything and I am sure Your dad eventually will become more accepting. You are his child anyway and despite him not acknowledging You as his daugther YET, it will settle down in him - day by day, step by step. I am sure Your mom will help him and support him too - as she supported You.
And yeah, coming out to men is more... difficult than with women. It must be really hard to come out to Your own father and require a lot of courage - I am almost glad that I am spared of this experience.
By the way, You are absolutely right in saying that once You tell someone that You are trans - there is no coming back.
Try not to expect too much from your parents. I transitioned too and honestly the best way to deal with parents is in moderation. It is important to have enough going on in your life that what your parents think about you is very small and off to the side. My parents continue to use the wrong pronouns (by accident) and lately they have even resorted to using my old name upon occasion and I went full-time a almost a decade ago.
For years I have blamed myself for when my parents use the wrong pronouns, I have believed that I am just not feminine enough or that I had failed in my transition. Honestly you just have to let your parents deal with it on their terms and if they are pleasant to be with then be around them and if not then absence makes the heart grow fond. The worst thing I ever did was try to educate people into understanding and appreciating my situation, I mean all you can do is give them the basics and let them roll with it. You can't change how they feel about it and the harder you try the more it will backfire on you.
So let your dad sort it out on his own time. And realize that you have a life to live and don't allow other people to rent space in your head unless they are good tenants.
Perhaps if you just live your life and are happy then your father will begin to see that this is a good thing for you and if he loves you then he will come to share your joy. If you allow this to drag you down then your father is likely to see it as a bad thing that is ruining everyone's happiness. Sometimes when you love someone you have to let go a little because if you push the natural reaction of anyone is to push back.
Congrats on telling him face to face.. I chickened out of telling my dad directly at all, I told my step-sister and waited for her to gossip - only took 24 hours.
Quote from: Olivia-Anne on September 09, 2013, 10:00:25 PM
Sooo, a girl that is a non-op is not considered to have transitioned? This was a post more personal than broad. This is the hardest part of MY transition. I have a little secret for you, once you tell someone you're trans you can never go back. The no turning back point is not SRS. Sorry if this post seems a little pointed, I'm just a smart-ass.
Thank you for your support ladies, I just needed to get those words out of my head. They have been swimming around in there the past couple days. :-\
<3 Liv
As another non-op girl, I agree with this completey..
Quote from: Olivia-Anne on September 09, 2013, 08:06:52 PM
The one bit of silver lining to all of this is that I am finally out to him. That sounds like a simple act but for me this was the biggest step in my transition. Bigger than my first time out dressed or taking hormones or anything.\
Congratulations! I came out to my father in a restaurant. He's 84, a still practicing corporate lawyer, and he just smiled and said "o.K." I then asked if he understood what I was saying, to which he answered, "Yes, the next time we share a hotel room you'll have a pussy." I looked at him with tears in my eyes and asked, "How's your food?" He smiled. I was lucky with him. My 30 year old daughter Katy, the NBC news reporter, has been mean, caustic, and hasn't said a word to me in 5 months. She was fine with transgender people until it "happened" to her father. NIMBY. My x hasn't been much better. My 26 year-old son, whose also transgender, but still figuring it out is better. He hasn't seen me in 6 months because he's scared. We talk, but it's awkward. All I can do is tell him how happy I am and how well my friends have treated me. Too bad the two most important women in his life are so transphobic.
Olivia, hang in there. In the end, he loves you and will sort it out with your mother's help. Especially if you keep your dignity, and sense of humor. Best of luck and love!
Quote from: Olivia-Anne on September 09, 2013, 08:06:52 PM
The one bit of silver lining to all of this is that I am finally out to him. That sounds like a simple act but for me this was the biggest step in my transition. Bigger than my first time out dressed or taking hormones or anything. This was my big thing to overcome, by far. He didn't disown me, but by no means are things "ok". A lot of work and effort is going to have to go into our relationship, on both sides. Hopefully he is willing to put in the effort on his end. I know my mom will be there to urge him in the right direction. But at least I have finally started down this road I have been unwilling to walk for so long.
<3 Liv
Congratulations! I came out to my father in a restaurant. He's 84, a still practicing corporate lawyer, and he just smiled and said "o.K." I then asked if he understood what I was saying, to which he answered, "Yes, the next time we share a hotel room you'll have a pussy." I looked at him with tears in my eyes and asked, "How's your food?" He smiled. I was lucky with him. My 30 year old daughter Katy, the NBC news reporter, has been mean, caustic, and hasn't said a word to me in 5 months. She was fine with transgender people until it "happened" to her father. NIMBY. My x hasn't been much better. My 26 year-old son, whose also transgender, but still figuring it out is better. He hasn't seen me in 6 months because he's scared. We talk, but it's awkward. All I can do is tell him how happy I am and how well my friends have treated me. Too bad the two most important women in his life are so transphobic.
Olivia, hang in there. In the end, he loves you and will sort it out with your mother's help. Especially if you keep your dignity, and sense of humor. Best of luck and love!
maybe im blind. but all of it is not so easy. but..its also teaches you a lot about life.
Zoey -- you are inspirational -- being in the public eye yourself must have made dealing with all of this soooo much harder. I'm certain your daughter's very public profile doesn't help to make this any easier for her either. Maybe not so much NIMBY but more like NIMFY for her. Time will tell. Thanks to you and to all who help me to see there is some light. Sharing your struggles and how you deal with them helps me be a bit braver each and every day.
My mother had the same response (Although she then stopped talking to me for a year), While everyone is different try not to take it too hard my mum did eventually come around and uses my actual name now, Took her several years but just give them some time to get used to the idea. The working with your father angle certainly adds an extra layer of complexity which dose make it tricky. (Sometimes distance is what they need to help them realize who you are in there own way noticing the "You" Shaped hole in there lives regardless of your gender)
Olivia I've never posted but your experience with your father really hit home. You knew it was going to be hard because you know your father very well.
Parents give you clues through your life about how they will react. When they see you with dolls or in girls clothes when you were young. Or maybe it's your hair length. Or perhaps it's that they are overly worried about their reputation in the community. I guess they can surprise you but I definitely understand why you and many others are so apprehensive.
For me it was it was a little more blunt. When my cousin transitioned, all my parents could talk about was how horrible this was for her parents. Not one thought for her. Needless to say that set me back quite a bit.
I'm still hiding from the world. Good luck Olivia.
Olivia, congratulations on your coming out. You are an inspiration to me.
My wife did not take the new well. She thought how it affected her. Her reputation, her security and how embarrassed she was of me. She said things that were very hurtful and cried a lot. She rejected me and my love for her. Three months later and we love each other more now than ever before. She still does not like being married to a woman but things are so much better now than three months ago.
Be the loving person you have always been and give it time. You are one brave woman.
Thanks for your support ladies. I think it is finally starting to sink in a little that I actually told him. In passing at work he either ignores me or merely says "Hey." I hope this doesn't last too long. I already miss him going out of his way to talk with me or to spark up conversation. I hope we can reach some semblance of our past rellationship with our new one. I doubt it but I will remain forever hopeful. I can't spend too much time dweling on this. I still have to come out to my sisteer and brother-in-law (my boss). Somedays I really wish I took that job offer 2 hours away...
<3 Liv
Big Hugs Olivia. Haven't replied to your post until now because I'm never sure how to talk about some things. (By the way Olivia is my favorite nieces name. She's a very loving and supportive girl.)
I'm in the opposite situation as the father who had to tell his adult sons. They had a similar response, and it seemed fine at the time. But after just a few months one of my sons stopped talking to me, and the other avoids contact as much as he can. They both said I'll always be their father, and they can never think of me as another person. Yeah, it makes me cry once in a while, but they're still the two greatest gifts I ever had.
It's terrible that your father feels this way, yet I'm sure he also feels your one of the greatest gifts he ever had. But he may never reconcile the conflict inside. I'm sorry the two of you are having trouble, and again Hugs.
Kathy
Hugs Olivia. It's been about 4-5 months since I told my dad and on hand he is very supportive and respectful but I know he's really struggling to come to terms with it. The line that upsets me the most is "I don't know how I'll be the first time I see you in a dress", so until now I've avoided it but he's back from an overseas holiday in a few weeks and I have a really nice outfit picked out :) Off like a bandaid :P
I really hope it is just time...
Olivia, I feel your pain & know that was difficult. Maybe on your next talk with your father you can explain that you know he loves you & that he would not want you to endure pain. The pain of having to live a life of lies. Maybe also you can tell him that you need him in your life always & that you need his help & support. Maybe this might help??
Just fyi. My mother always knew I was a girl & supported my change early in life however I could never bring myself to tell my father. Instead I just hide my true feelings for most of my life rather than hurt him. He has since passed away & now I'm in my mid 50's & still trapped in the wrong gender.
You made the right move to open up to your father. Hopefully he will understand & the two of you can remain close for both of your lives to come.
Quote from: cynths on September 15, 2013, 08:20:20 AM
The line that upsets me the most is "I don't know how I'll be the first time I see you in a dress", so until now I've avoided it but he's back from an overseas holiday in a few weeks and I have a really nice outfit picked out :) Off like a bandaid :P
My father said something very similar to me as well, and I never thought I'd be comfortable wearing women's clothes around him. I chose my birthday (about six months after I came out to him), to wear a skirt around him for the first time. His response was that it was weird seeing me in these clothes. But it's almost four months later and he hardly bats an eye anymore when I wear a skirt or dress. Go for the bandaid, after awhile it'll become less awkward and more normal.
Both my parents have been away for a month or so, will be a great opportunity to start. My birthday would be the back up plan but is still a couple of months away! I'm too hasty :)
Thanks Rachel, hopefully I'll have the same outcome.
If it's any consolation, I have a ftm friend who I helped through his transition. His mother reacted exactly like your father. These days, however, she calls him by his new name and always uses male pronouns. Some people just need time to absorb and adjust. I really hope this is the case for you.
I will definitely be using the "band-aid" method as far as it comes to presentation. I am kind of giving him some space at the moment though. It is hard for him right now especially because I work with him and he has to see me on a daily basis. Currently, I am not out at work and I wont be for a couple more months. I still have to come out to a couple other people first, before I go full time at work. So right now I just want him to try and wrap his head around it. Then in about a month or so I am going to invite him and my mother over to meet me (Liv). After that I will try to invite them over somewhat regular so he can get used to it, so he doesn't have some crazy reaction to how I will be dressed at work. Because I will be wearing the cute office type attire of skirts and dresses and heels and stuff. But, regardless of that it would have been the band-aid method anyways because that is my normal style of dress. I am no where near the range of andro in my clothing choices. I still have yet to talk to him since I came out. According to my mom he still needs some space. We shall see what the future holds.
<3 Liv
Yeah... Olivia,
In my own experiences it isn't so much about how you look or your "appearance/presentation". Rather it has more to do with his expectations and his prejudices towards people who resemble our archetype.
It isn't your presentation that needs to be withheld from your father.
It is YOU that should be withheld from your father while he wrestles with his expectations, ideas and prejudices.
If you cater to him, if you try to spoon-feed him this *idea* that you are "trans?" then you will be conveying to him that this is a choice you have made, one that you can turn on or turn off with the flick of a switch.
If at all possible it would be far better to assist him in establishing in his mind that this is about YOU, not about a choice, not about a look you can put on or take off, not about a voice you can switch on or switch off. He needs to understand that this is about you having been born a female soul, with a female mind and this is not a matter of choice for you. Neither can you turn it on nor shut it off.
I would suggest giving him his space. What I suggest not doing is pretending that you can harmlessly switch it on or switch it off for him because like your father you matter. And someone needs to begin looking out for your health, safety and well-being. You have to begin nurturing yourself, you have (if you are anything like me) been starving all your life, having been denied the experience of simply being who you are.
So be who you are.
Your dad is a big kid now, an adult. Give him some space, just don't stuff yourself into a box for him like it is going to pacify him. You need to send a STRONG message that this is about you, it's not a costume or a game or pretend. If your father had just realized that you were actually another ethnicity would you paint yourself white and talk a certain way to pacify him? The degree to which you believe in yourself will be the degree to which your father believes in you, if he loves you in a healthy way.
Be strong.
OMG you are amazing. You handled yourself so well. I live very far from my family and I rarely see them, I can't imagine working with them every day.
Quote from: Olivia-Anne on September 09, 2013, 10:00:25 PM
Sooo, a girl that is a non-op is not considered to have transitioned? This was a post more personal than broad. This is the hardest part of MY transition. I have a little secret for you, once you tell someone you're trans you can never go back. The no turning back point is not SRS. Sorry if this post seems a little pointed, I'm just a smart-ass.
Thank you for your support ladies, I just needed to get those words out of my head. They have been swimming around in there the past couple days. :-\
<3 Liv
Olivia, I'm on the same boat with my father. A few parallels between us. You have our support in this forum.
As far as the comment about "transition begins after SRS". She's hated on crossdressers.com for the same comments to non-op sisters like us. She's the main reason I rarely go to that board. To what degree you transition and feel great about it is entirely up to you girl. But I don't have to tell you that. God, I hate "Keyboard ->-bleeped-<- Ninjas"