I've been a short time lurker of this great place, and when I read your words, I saw alot of what I've been thinking for a long, long time.
I'll give a description of myself but try not to make it a total life story. ;) My earliest memories of my "situation" are at 4 years old, when my mother caught me wearing long socks on my arms, trying to look like the gloved Marilyn Monroe in The 7 Year Itch. She didn't like that at all and probably told me not to do that again. When I was growing up, everyone said I my older sister and I should have switched places, as I was small and weak and she was very strong minded and athletic. That might have played a part in what I am today, who knows.
Fast forward a few years to school. I was always extremely jealous of girls there. When I finally reached around my sister & mother's height, I snuck their clothes into my room. If I was only still that height and weight! :P It was truly ME. A few times I would come home from school and find the hidden clothes gone, it was a numbing, shocking feeling, as I was secretive as I could be. I tried to be as "boyish" as possible, betraying myself the whole time. My mom said nothing, likewise, I did not confront her. Still, I continued to sneak and wear as much as I could. I didn't consider it crossdressing, and still don't.
In high school, it was be a tough guy or get hassled. So I tried athletics myself. It helped deflect any feminine tendencies I had. Throughout school, I never had a girlfriend, I just was not good looking (still am not). I never had the courage to be "gay sounding" or "gay looking". That would just not do. After school, I had an interest in girls, but the opposite was not true. I was always jealous of them, thinking "why can I not be that beautiful?" I did the life is unfair bit, but eventually I realized this can be changed.
When Jerry Springer came out in the early 90s, and showed MtF transsexuals, it was both a great sense of joy that I could finally be who I needed to be, but I realized the chances were slim to none of it happening to me. I was already being poisoned by testosterone, facial hair, horrid adam's apple, widening jaw, and a very ugly forehead. Severe depression set in, which took me about a year to get over. Around 96, I got the internet for the first time. It was a great wealth of information I had not realized existed. I found out about hormones, FFS, etc. With it, I could be anonymous and order my own clothes and cosmetics I'd wanted for so long but didn't want to go out and just buy in a store. I had saved up money, but was conned into getting a good reliable car by my parents shortly after. A transition was still in the back of my mind.
All this time, I still had to prove some kind of toughness and be a bad ass. I could not let my family or friends ever have any idea of what I was really like underneath. I did the workouts to get "big" and try to purge myself of any femininity. Finally, after I turned 30 a few years ago, I told myself it was finally time to stop trying to fool myself. Regret was setting in like a knife, I felt guilty I had not started something 10 years ago or earlier. I had never been in a relationship, and I said I will not live like this. I started the stealth thing, loosing weight was first. Last year, I found some herblike stuff that I've been taking, it's pretty popular. I want to get on HRT, but, when I went to the therapist listed in my area (far west Texas), it was an abandoned area in a strip mall. I swore if I didn't do something soon, I would put a shotgun to the brow bossing in my forehead so I would have a closed casket ceremony in case anyone that found me cared enough to bury me. After taking the stuff (which I still am), I feel pretty good. I've been loosing weight nicely, and started electrolosis early this year, which is helping me feel better when I look in the mirror.
So if anyone knows of a therapist in my area, let me know by all means. This transition will happen, no force on Earth will stop me, with the Susans.org family or not. I'll continue on to finish electro, work on my voice, have FFS hopefully in the U.S. or in a closeby country, then finalize everything with SRS. I'm still doing the macho thing a little, but I'm really, really tired of it. In fact, I'm at the point where I no longer care if anyone finds out my ultimate goal. I'm not even ashamed to tell strangers on the internet where I've been and where I'm going. There's alot of women here that give me hope.
I thought I was only going to type a few words, but I figured what the hell. If you're still reading thanks for listening. ;D
Welcome, Christine! You've come to the right place for information and encouragement in your journey. It seems to me that you have the determination to persue your dream - right on girl!! I'm looking forward to hearing more from you in the forums. You're gonna make it!
-Barb
Hi Christine,
It's good that you know what you want. You will find many here that can offer helpful advice for you and share similar experiences as those that you've experienced.
There are several sources of information on Susan's beyond the forums that can give you more information than you expected though, it sounds like you've done your homework.
Please take a look at the guidelines for members if you haven't already. They have been designed to create a safe and supportive atmosphere for all.
Hugs,
Rebecca
Hello Christine,
I'm glad you joined Susan's.
It is good to meet you. I think you will find allot of friendly helpful people here.
You mention your wife, is she still with you and how does she feel about your transitioning?
Did you check https://www.susans.org/Medical/Therapists_and_Counselors/USA/Texas/ (https://www.susans.org/Medical/Therapists_and_Counselors/USA/Texas/) for therapists in your area?
Welcome to Susan's
Jillieann
Welcome, Christine!
I'm happy to make your acquaintance.
hugs & smiles
Emelye
You sound militant, defiant, angry and tired of living an affectated existence.
Methinx that you will find a great deal of empathy here. :)
Welcome, honey. :)
Thanks, all. I thought I may have said too much when I didn't get but 1 response right away. :-X I think I'm OK now. :)
And yes, Jillieann, I did go to the counselor listed, but like I said, it was an abandoned office in a strip mall. :( I'll have to keep looking. Word of mouth is not too helpfull locally though. Hopefully someone here can point me in the right direction.
Hi and welcome Christine,
Don't worry about the responses, people will typically read and then respond when you ask them to. A lot of what you said I do understand. Maybe what you could do is to slowly start to shed 'the macho' thing. You could tell people that you are just trying some different things, maybe you read a few self-help books or something you could tell them. I told people at work I was tired of shaving, that's why I was having Laser Hair Removal. I have gone from 175 to 145 in the last 5 months, they know something's up, but I told them I wanted to really get in shape and feel good again. I've definitely been a lot less caring about what other people think lately. It takes practice, but small steps will lead to big steps and pretty soon you'll look back and really be able to appreciate how far you've come. See you around, there's a lot of info and resources here at Susan's! Meghan
Every time I read another transgendered person's story of their childhood and later experiences, I feel as if I'm reading my own bio. It's uncanny that we all have such similar stories.
Good luck, keep going, stay positive, don't do anything stupid.
Hugs, Louise
Quote from: louise000 on June 25, 2007, 04:22:08 AM
Every time I read another transgendered person's story of their childhood and later experiences, I feel as if I'm reading my own bio. It's uncanny that we all have such similar stories.
Good luck, keep going, stay positive, don't do anything stupid.
Hugs, Louise
Hopefully, the next generation won't have these same experiences.
Like Meghan says, once you start shedding some male behavioral attributes, you will feel like you really are on your way. You have to handle the male attitudes sometime, it doesn't hurt to start now. People will think you're just getting mellow or something.
Quote from: RebeccaFog on June 25, 2007, 11:59:39 AM
Hopefully, the next generation won't have these same experiences.
Like Meghan says, once you start shedding some male behavioral attributes, you will feel like you really are on your way. You have to handle the male attitudes sometime, it doesn't hurt to start now. People will think you're just getting mellow or something.
That's a lovely thought Rebecca, thanks!
Louise
Christine hi,
And welcome to Susan's, we all have similar stories and backgrounds. I have only just started myself about three months but lived the nightmare for decades, 48.
You will get the help and encouragement here.
hugs and kisses
Nigella
Hello Christine and welcome to Susan's!
Thanks so much for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the forums of the site, review the site rules and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page. We look forward to your future posts and participation. Enjoy your stay.
tink :icon_chick:
Welcome Christine!
You have definitely come to the right place. You are among friends who understand just how tough this can be. You will find your answers in your own way. But in the meantime, join in and share what you are going through.
Peace!
Kristi
Quote from: Kristi on June 27, 2007, 11:06:06 PM
Welcome Christine!
You have definitely come to the right place. You are among friends who understand just how tough this can be. You will find your answers in your own way. But in the meantime, join in and share what you are going through.
Peace!
Kristi
Watch out for unrepentant homosapiens like Kristi, though. ;)
A treacherous lot they are. [Rhonda runs away as a rotten banana flies towards her]. :laugh:
Once again, thanks everyone. I don't feel like such an outsider anymore after visting this site on pretty much a daily basis now. :)
Quote from: Christine Eryn on June 27, 2007, 11:14:21 PM
Once again, thanks everyone. I don't feel like such an outsider anymore after visting this site on pretty much a daily basis now. :)
[seriously]
May you find much solace, comfort and support here, Christine. :)