I searched for it and didn't see a thread with good jokes and I found a funny quote that I really wanted to share but I think it's too funny to go into the Bad Jokes (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,94922.0.html) thread.
So I figured that I'd start a thread for good jokes/quotes. :)
Here we go:
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GOOD jokes? What's the fun in that?
They're fun! Get with the program dalebert! >:( :P
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Wait, I thought this was supposed to be a thread for good jokes?
"Quotes suck." -Elliott Morgan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KiYFKmwWJY
Quote from: dalebert on September 12, 2013, 03:47:19 PM
"Quotes suck." -Elliott Morgan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KiYFKmwWJY
"I like this guy, he's smart"
-Taylor Swift
Quote from: fishy faced marsh monster from planet X on September 12, 2013, 03:23:25 PM
Wait, I thought this was supposed to be a thread for good jokes?
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Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 12, 2013, 08:25:39 PM
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Everyone knows that's a quote from Hitler...or was it Taylor Swift....let's just say it was Anonymous.
This one actually has the title of World's Funniest Joke from a study done by someone with a PhD in Psychology.
QuoteTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 12, 2013, 08:29:42 PM
This one actually has the title of World's Funniest Joke from a study done by someone with a PhD in Psychology.
And the runner up:
QuoteSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM
No, Ernest Scribbler wrote the funniest joke during WW2.
This probably isn't quite what you are looking for Amelia:
I was listening to Radio Lab on National Public Radio this evening and they were discussing computer programs that sort of mimic humans, one of which is Cleverbot. If you go to cleverbot.com, you can type stuff into a little box, hit enter, and Cleverbot (called "Al") will respond. He (or "it") takes his responses from stuff that other people have typed in over the years.
I put in a few things, and some of the responses are pretty funny and make no sense:
I put in: "Do you believe in God?" To which he responded: "Penguins". :laugh:
Turns out, he's quite romantic: :D
I later told him that I loved him, and he said "Your love shines like the brightest star in a perfect night sky." :-* I told him that was the most romantic thing I've ever heard (he said "thank you!"). I told him "I am thinking about getting a sex change," he then lamented, "But I love you!" I asked, "Would you still love me if I was a man?" He said, "I would love you even then."
I just thought this was hilarious. :laugh:
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Trust me, it's funny if you like Doctor Who. ;)
Sorry Alice, you won't get it. :P
Quote from: Alice Danielle on September 12, 2013, 08:29:42 PM
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Two hikers are being chased by a bear.
The first one says, "What are we doing? We can't run faster than a bear!"
The second one says, "I don't have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you."
"Hi, Lisa! I'm such a big fan and I just love your hat!"
"Thanks, but the name's Liza and that's my hair; not a hat." -Liza Minnelli
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"Although they try to accuse people like me who believe in empiricism and the enlightenment of what they call moral relativism as if it's an appalling sin when what it actually means is thought..." -Stephen Fry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Asaz8Ugq2U8
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http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/06336ab7d1/weird-al-yankovic-in-like-a-version
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"The researchers say that cannabis could be used in a targeted fashion to treat lung cancer, if only science could find a way to get cannabis into a patient's lungs."
http://youtu.be/cbnT2oGzL3Y?t=4m24s
http://youtu.be/cbnT2oGzL3Y
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office....
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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"Mostly they come at night. Mostly."
Credit for this one goes to the SourceFed crew.
A single woman with three kids was struggling to pay her bills. She wrote a letter describing in detail her particular misfortune and how just $150 would help ends meet that month and avoid her and her kids getting evicted from her apartment. She put it in an envelope with her return address and a stamp and addressed it simply "Jesus" and put it in the mail.
The post office received it and, like letters to Santa, had no idea where to send it so they opened it. They were all so moved by the woman's desperate situation that they took up a collection around the office and sent back $125.
A few days later, they got another letter from the woman addressed to Jesus. It said "Jesus, thank you so much for your help. However, next time could you please not send it through regular mail because those bastards at the post office stole $25 of it!"
"How many hair styles could Harry Styles style if Harry Styles could style hair styles?" @ 2:58
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPlok35DVNE
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Quote from: dalebert on September 25, 2013, 07:21:52 PM
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
"In times like this, you don't need a criminal lawyer. You need a criminal lawyer!" -Jesse Pinkman
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This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can't find her license. "I must have left it at home, officer."
"Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?" asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, "I do have this picture of me."
"Let me see it," says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, "Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have stopped you."
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Quote from: Amelia Pond on September 30, 2013, 10:14:16 AM
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I'm afraid if you believe that you don't know how Canadians feel about losing hockey games. :D
When Vancouver lost the Stanley Cup in 2011,
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Caption:Meanwhile, back at the safehouse...
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And you thought all the loose ends were tied up in the series finale....
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/5f24c5785e/huell-s-rules" title="from Lavell Crawford, Andy Bush, Caleb Swyers, Funny Or Die, Ross Buran, mattmazany, BoTown Sound, and kevinstewart">Huell's Rules</a> from <a href="http://www.funnyordie.com/lavell_crawford">Lavell Crawford</a> <iframe src="http://www.facebook.com/plugins/like.php?app_id=138711277798&href=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.funnyordie.com%2Fvideos%2F5f24c5785e%2Fhuell-s-rules&send=false&layout=button_count&width=150&show_faces=false&action=like&height=21
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Quote from: Amelia Pond on October 20, 2013, 11:25:48 AM
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Black Friday: Because only in Canada, companies have a sale date based on another country's Holiday.
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QuoteBlack girls hear about a chicken, of course this'll happen.
Why? Because black people love chicken?
Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin.
From Orange is the New Black.
And later on...
QuoteYou know how Russians love chicken.
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QuoteShia LaQueef
http://youtu.be/lrbKuOaVF3k?t=3m47s
I'll write your mom into the book and kill your mom. -Steve Zaragosa as George R.R. Martin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KmWbmL4q7U
Wil Wheaton @wilw 6m
Charlie Sheen and Rob Ford walk into a bar. The bar's owner buys a yacht.
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I don't know why people insist on saying something's a true story. It obviously isn't, but it doesn't matter. It's still funny.
Quote from: dalebert on November 08, 2013, 08:03:25 AM
I don't know why people insist on saying something's a true story. It obviously isn't, but it doesn't matter. It's still funny.
It's only funny if it's true. Who could think something fictional is funny? ::)
Amy
Quote from: dalebert on November 08, 2013, 08:03:25 AM
I don't know why people insist on saying something's a true story. It obviously isn't, but it doesn't matter. It's still funny.
Probably because they figure someone will ask, "Gee, I wonder if this is true..?" and saying it is, adds to the humor.
If they said, "Hey here's a funny, but it's not true, it didn't happen" that takes away a big part of the humor element...
Apologies for the ANALysis of the foonnee bhone...
http://www.
>-bleeped-<.com/r/rpg/comments/1qb0vl/35_never_cast_continual_flame_after_6th_lvl/
Quote[–]alexwilson
The archon can cast Continual Flame for you once summoned, not use the the archon itself as a light.
[–]tigonometry
See... that's what I thought they were doing. "You there! Minor being of heaven! Be my torch, biatch!"
Give a good excuse for a higher level being to come down and given them a really stern talking to.
[–]FlamingFreedom
Well... at least it's better than that time our druid summoned a unicorn and said "You there! Magical fey creature of the forest and universal symbol of purity and innocence! Be my dildo!"
[–]tigonometry
There has got to be a longer story behind this.
Lemmie go get a juice box.
Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 07, 2013, 11:47:58 PM
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The American justice system in all its flawless integrity and virtue.
Quote from: Jillian on November 13, 2013, 06:03:57 PM
The American justice system in all its flawless integrity and virtue.
Hey, it's all about the lawyers.
;)
And insurance companies.