So here it goes, my story in a nutshell. I am 45 years old, and only in the last year have i began to accept that I am a female except for the male body I have. I am a big guy, like defensive lineman big. I am working on losing the weight, but it is a process. I know I will never been "passable" but to me that is not what it is about. I am more and more feeling so uncomfortable when I have to be in "boy" mode. I struggle with self esteem big time mainly due to my size. I do not want to stand out as a girl, i want to blend in, and the more time passes I realize the female me is not alot different personality wise then the male me. I wear make up daily if i can, it is subtle and i have not been detected yet. I wear guy clothes, but usually something femme under, be it a bra or cami etc. I bought a backpack purse as it fits me better, kinda middle of the road.
It gets complicated as I have been married to a female for 19 years and i have a 13 yr old son. I love them both, and yet, I know i like men in a sexual manner, and yet sex is the least of my concerns in my transition. I would be happy almost asexual. It would devastate my wife totally if I left her to pursue my true self, and it hurts to do that to her, yet it is not fair to her to keep living a lie. I have told her before I am more comfy as a girl, and we talked thru things and she thinks going to church and being active in it has "cured" me. I at times feel indifferent to my trans status, but i always come back because it is where i truly feel i am the real me. I started a new job and a lesbian friend of mine told me to protect myself to let the HR lady know my situation. I did with much apprehension and she was so totally cool about it, as was my trainer girl. I go to work as Taylor, I do subtle make up etc just like i described. I feel confident and want to just blend in and do my job. But now and then I get stuck in a crappy self esteem issue and begin to doubt everything due to my large physcial size. Bottom line is I hate having to live 2 lives, my son would not be a big issue, but it is so hard to walk away from a spouse of 19 years. I know i would be happy if i could stop hiding this all, and be able to live as who i want to. But it hurts me to think of how hurt she will be, so do i deprive myself for her sake? I am depressed and in need of some wise counsel from hopefully bigger MTF trans, to know how you deal with the apperance issue and am open to all advice. I want to be happy, but i seem to be in a rut.
Taylor Jourdyn :)