I never write about this because it is too hard :'( Something happened on the weekend and a girl wanted to go sexually further with me than I physically could. I wanted to so badly, but I knew I couldnt and that was the worst thing about it!!!!!! >:(
I dont know what is wrong with me. I've legally changed my name and most documents, my family calls me what I want, I'm 7 months on testosterone, I have enough money saved up to leave Australia and see Dr. Garramone this second, I am stealth to all of my friends and job, I'm 18 years old. I should be happy because I have so many good things but the dysphoria I have for down there just ruins it all :'( I feel like the strong feelings I have for that area alone are enough to push me over the edge to be 100% honest. The only way I have been able to deal with it is by blocking it out completely and that incident has just brought it to the very front of my brain.
I dont have anyone else to talk to and I just feel so sad, angry, and hopeless right now. I am also having this extremely horrible feeling in my stomach and I dont know what it is called or how to describe it. I'm not ok and I honestly wish I was never born, and I have been wishing this for a few years now :'(
It will never be the way it was supposed to be. I dont want to wait 10+ years for that surgery but I dont know how I would ever pay for it. I dont even know what to do right now, I am a mess. I feel like crying all of the water out of my stupid body! This is the only thing that is really bothering me in my transition and there is nothing I can do to fix it :'( I guess there wasnt really a point to this post either, I just needed to let some of my feelings out, but I dont think it did anything!
quote "I guess there wasnt really a point to this post either, I just needed to let some of my feelings out, but I dont think it did anything!"
Yes it did, it got a reply from me!
I do know what you mean. OK I'm the other side of the fence, pre op and no idea how I can get the money together. I have a boyfriend who is straight and loves me but is getting very frustrated at not having a girl friend with the bits he wants to use (putting it bluntly).
What do we do? Yes I take care of him and he understands but...............
What do we do? Get Tony Abbot to make Medicare take care of us and have surgeons in Australia that can take care of us. WTF do I have to spend $40-60K to get surgery in the USA?
Yours in frustration
Cindy
Big hug! I think we all have those feelings about wishing we were never born some days. It's not an option, though. You have one chance at life, and it's going to be what you make of it. As for the sexual frustration, I was with a girl once and she wanted to take things further, but we couldn't. Her husband came home. >:-)
Hugs, Devlyn
Try to focus on the good things in your life. You're 18 years old and light years ahead of most guys at that age transition wise. I understand that bottom surgery is outrageously expensive, but you've gotten this far at such a young age. You will be able to get where you need to in life!
As far as being able to open up sexually when you're dysphoric, it's hard. There was a time when I had extreme bottom dysphoria (it has eased over the years) and I credit finding someone that didn't care and still wanted to lovingly touch me with easing those feelings. Did you discuss things with her? Does she know? Does she not care? The most important part, do you trust her? (Those are rhetorical questions)
Opening yourself up to someone when you harbor feelings of self loathing is rough. In my experience when I would sleep with someone I would ask that the first few times they didn't touch me (any further than kissing) and let me please them. In a sense that (at least in my head) made them the vulnerable one, but it also let me slowly become more comfortable with them. Just weigh your options and maybe you'll be able to find something that will work for you.
Hey Bub
First, ugh. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. All I can do is offer some of my experience and advice. First of all, some good things - heck yeah! A girl wants to jump your bones - Awesome. You must be doing something right. I know the dysphoria sucks. It will get better though. try to think about how bad it was before you started testosterone. It probably seems like a distant memory or even another life time. Someday, you will feel the same way about your genitals.
Something that seemed to really help me was to hop online and get some info about the weird and strange ways an infants genitals can be. I feel like dysphoria comes from not really the actual appearance of your genitals but rather that those genitals somehow make you 'female'. So knowing that guys with xy chromosomes can be born with all sorts of weird penises and even vaginas can help get rid of some of those feelings.
Also try to remember that lots of guys (born with 'normal' penises) have problems with sexual performance. Think of all the things that go wrong - nervousness, religious opression, diabetes, injuries, anti depressants, blood pressure issues, shyness, obesity, premature ejaculation.... the list goes on.
That is the sort of thing that helped me.
I am not too sure what you mea about go further than possible with that girl? Not trying to pry, but really try to explore your options. Prosthetics, (if a guy lost his penis in an accident, he might use one). I know that doesnt solve the general feeling of wtf about your genitals but maybe try to focus on what you can do.
Good luck buddy and just hang in there. Stay strong ya know? This path isn't for the weak.
Quote from: androidnick on September 16, 2013, 10:29:37 AM
All I can do is give advice. We all feel how you do man. It's okay to vent. You should get a strap. When I use it with my fiancée, it makes a huge difference. The first time we used it, I just felt like I was having sex for the first time. Even though I couldn't feel anything technically, it did feel like a part of me. It helped with my confidence that I could make love to her the way I had always wanted. You just gotta learn to cope with the body you have man. You have money for surgery, I don't know why you wouldn't fly over here to Garramone already! Just do it. Feel better. I hope you learn how to handle this situation. It isn't easy for anyone.
I agree that if you had the money for surgery with Dr. Garramone I would just go do it already. You have the right to feel better right now without waiting for the conditions (like when you are 100% stealth), harder to do without top surgery I'd think (depending). So maybe I misunderstood this. I've heard the peecock gen 2 si good for sex, so I'd go do that too. But I can sure feel the feeling of not feeling comfortable in your own skin. And sex is much harder this way (though never had it the other way so who knows). But you have the right to vent too. So go to it. We all get that.
--Jay
Be happy and don't ever give up. I know it's hard, being dysphoric. Like someone else said, this path is not for the weak.. and going as far as you have, you clearly aren't weak.
Life can hit you hard sometimes but you only have one, and it may not be the one you hoped for but it is the only one you have.
Personally, I think it's incredibly inspiring that you have gone so far in your transition at such a young age. Don't give up. Just stay strong.
Thanks for being there guys :) I'm seeing my therapist on Friday and I plan on talking about top surgery then. I haven't had surgery yet because I've only just saved enough, I don't have the letter and I wanted to avoid not being able to swim in early December when I go on holiday with my family. But I plan to book for sometime in January/February, so that will be a good thing!
I like a lot of what you said Chuck, I can definitely relate to it. I will try out what you said and I really am trying to be strong about this but it is very hard :(
Quote from: harlee on September 17, 2013, 04:21:40 AM
Thanks for being there guys :) I'm seeing my therapist on Friday and I plan on talking about top surgery then. I haven't had surgery yet because I've only just saved enough, I don't have the letter and I wanted to avoid not being able to swim in early December when I go on holiday with my family. But I plan to book for sometime in January/February, so that will be a good thing!
I like a lot of what you said Chuck, I can definitely relate to it. I will try out what you said and I really am trying to be strong about this but it is very hard :(
Sorry mate, I misunderstood you here (and wasn't the only one apparently). Well keep going on savign but it's a pretty penny!
--Jay