Hi Everybody,
If you have read my posts in the past you may know that I am a woman in the closet. My femininity is known only to my friends on this forum and I have accepted that this is the way I must remain. I'm ok with this.
Today I have had a wonderful morning. I am home alone for the day. at 8.00 am this morning I put on my favourite skirt and top, a little make up and jewellery, painted my nails and toe nails and I had a really lovely morning being Ciara. I pottered around the house just being myself and doing normal things like cleaning, ironing, tidying. I just did normal things that we all do every day and I loved being me.
But.....as all good things come to an end, I have had to revert to the male. I have removed the nail varnish, the jewellery, the make up, the lovely clothes and left Ciara behind. I miss her so much now that I cannot stop crying. This amount of tears has never happened to me before. I often shed a tear for Ciara but never in this way.
I had a beautiful morning, I rarely get to spend such a long time being the woman I am with no fear of interruption. I should be really happy but instead I miss Ciara and I wish I could go back to being her instead of this "pretend man".
I'm sorry for this outburst but I just need to have a weep with friends. Thank you for being there to listen.
Love,
Ciara
I'm sorry for your sadness Ciara. I have also experienced the same feeling when I had to put away my girl mode and return to boy mode; each time it felt like a death had just happened.
I'm getting to spend more and more time as my real self now and hopefully you will get to do the same some day.
Yea, I understand that. It took me almost four hours to change from Jennifer back into my male drag the last time I went out. It also seems to be getting harder each time. I have given up and am coming out after 50 years in there.
I haven't seen many of your posts so I am not familiar with you or your reason for not coming out. A couple of things I have found: if you can't come out for everyone, savor the times when you are you and have a plan for the next time so that you can have something to look forward to when you have to go back.
Hi Joules, Eva Marie, Jennifer,
Thank you all for your kind words and your support. I am sorry for crying on your shoulders but I was having a bad moment and need to share some of the pain. The thing is that I love being who I am, I love being a woman, I love being Ciara. This morning was the first time that I had spent such a long time just being me in my own house and doing my own normal things. I was Ciara having an ordinary day in an ordinary life.....and it was beautiful. I did not want it to end, but it did end and that is what caused the pain.
As you said Joules " Perhaps one day it will be the "pretend man" who gets put away...". Perhaps so......I would like that.
Jennifer, Thank you for your advice ".........savor the times when you are you and have a plan for the next time so that you can have something to look forward to when you have to go back". I think you are right. Its good to have a plan for the next time and have that to look forward to.
Eva Marie, It is great that you get more time to be yourself. I hope I will too some day.
Thank you all for caring and listening.
Love,
Ciara
Hi Ciara,
I feel your pain and can only say while there is life there is hope. I'm also just a bit concerned that by keeping all of this completely to yourself, you may be taking on more than you can safely handle.
Even if you can't talk to your wife is there no professional you could go to see so that you can at least talk through your feelings?
My thoughts are with you.
Hugs
Donna
That made me really sad to read. That's one advantage that FTMs have, is that we can wear men's clothes for the most part, in public, and we don't have to worry. But it does hurt when you know who you are and what you want for yourself, and you have to bury those feelings away and pretend to be someone else. I hope that things change for you soon so you feel able to be Ciara all the time and you no longer have to cry for her. *hug*
Hi Donna,
Thank you as always for your kind support. You are always there for me when I feel alone.
I'm normally not so emotional as I was today, especially given that I had been so happy. I think I'm not in a good place right now. We had a bereavement recently an that may be contributing to my emotions and my dysphoria. Time will help.
Love,
Ciara.
Hi Caleb,
Thank you so much for your support, your kind words and the hug. It means a lot to me.
I feel better today. I'm looking forward to being Ciara again soon.
Love,
Ciara
There was a day, it was a Monday; Cindy had been out and about and I had lived. I even went out to the local hotel for a meal! They were fine, I had a drink and danced to the band, I even went to the loo.
No one cared!
Goddess it hit me.
No one cared.
I was just another person.Nothing special just me.
Cindy couldn't go back after that. P tried to make her. But it was a lost battle.
Now?
Why did I struggle so?
Funny I just tried to type his name and couldn't.
Live your life honey.
Hugs
Cindy
I'm tearing up myself. I felt just the way you do, have felt that way for decades. Family wouldn't understand... kids wouldn't understand. Maybe I can find a way to be happy as a man. Maybe I can redefine what it is to be a man. Maybe it's God's plan that I be a man... maybe.
I was miserable. I made poor decisions. I literally had no concept of what it would be like to age as a man. First, I had to get out of my marriage to my wife of 12 years, which had turned abusive 2 years after we married. She was a bully; I allowed it, both were to blame. Two years of divorce proceedings and intensive therapy. Finally allowing myself to think of myself as gender-queer, had a relationship with a girlfriend who was also gender-queer. She began to be less supportive of my feminine side, and so I tried to be more masculine, and felt the dread and resentment pile on. The last straw was when she tried to take my female clothes away in an experiment to make me be "more of a man".
It was a few months after that when I was able to look back on my life honestly and realize that throughout it I had been lying to myself about wanting to be a man. The maybes were "can't" or "won't"s. That is when I knew. Fortunately, by then, I had been through enough therapy to realize that I *deserve* to be happy, just as much as anybody else... and only by my being happy can I show my kids and loved ones that it is ok for them to be happy too.
There is a long way to go. "Robert" still goes to work, but now I realize it is me, Robin, behind those eyes, and it has always been. The difference is, now, I can see myself growing old. I see a future, and something to build toward. There is a happiness budding within me like I have never known, and I haven't even had a drop of hormones. For me, joy comes without "E" or "T", but with "Acceptance".
I don't know your situation, but I feel like you are in a perilous place, and I hope that you have a good therapist. I am gladdened that you are sharing your burden online, at least. I don't know you, but I feel like I know your pain, and I would be honored to call you "sister".
Please be well. *hug*
Hi Robin,
Thank you for your kind words. We are similar in many ways. I have never been able to man-up successfully and lied to myself throughout my life. Since I accepted that I am a woman in my heart I too have experienced joy that I never thought possible. The joy and self belief comes from my acceptance of myself. When I posted last week I was in a bad place but I have recovered from it......thankfully.
I am however in a successful and very happy marriage. We are so happy that to share my femininity with her would devastate my wife without a doubt. So Ciara will continue to be a secret, but I am ok with that. As you said "........joy comes without "E" or "T", but with "Acceptance".
Thank you for listening ad for sharing your kind words. We all need our friends to talk to. We are indeed "sisters".
Love,
Ciara.
Quote from: Ciara on September 24, 2013, 08:23:34 AM
Thank you for listening ad for sharing your kind words. We all need our friends to talk to. We are indeed "sisters".
That means worlds to me, Ciara. Thank you. I hope, someday, you find a way to see the world at large can accept you, too, like I did. But this is your journey, your choice, and whether you venture out in the world or not you are *you*, a woman with a beautiful spirit and a strong voice.
*hug*
Hi Ciara,
I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I have a family with two teenage daughters. My wife knows, but doesn't like my feminine side and we basically don't talk about it. I would change in a second if I didn't think it would be so disruptive to them. I have a therapist and she has helped to some extent but basically thinks I'm living a lie and would be much happier if I just started the process. Even with all the family, friend and work issues, she thinks I would be much happier.
Me I'm more worried about how this will affect my family. Anyway, this is not easy.
Take care.
Quote from: Ciara on September 18, 2013, 08:39:48 AM
Hi Everybody,
If you have read my posts in the past you may know that I am a woman in the closet. My femininity is known only to my friends on this forum and I have accepted that this is the way I must remain. I'm ok with this.
Today I have had a wonderful morning. I am home alone for the day. at 8.00 am this morning I put on my favourite skirt and top, a little make up and jewellery, painted my nails and toe nails and I had a really lovely morning being Ciara. I pottered around the house just being myself and doing normal things like cleaning, ironing, tidying. I just did normal things that we all do every day and I loved being me.
But.....as all good things come to an end, I have had to revert to the male. I have removed the nail varnish, the jewellery, the make up, the lovely clothes and left Ciara behind. I miss her so much now that I cannot stop crying. This amount of tears has never happened to me before. I often shed a tear for Ciara but never in this way.
I had a beautiful morning, I rarely get to spend such a long time being the woman I am with no fear of interruption. I should be really happy but instead I miss Ciara and I wish I could go back to being her instead of this "pretend man".
I'm sorry for this outburst but I just need to have a weep with friends. Thank you for being there to listen.
Love,
Ciara
Cherish the moments you get to be you. Let that light the way for the rest of your day. :-)
*hugs*
i hope you're doing better. me going more ftm than the other way, it's not too easy to make any very visible change in clothing style in order to be myself. in the house i just am, without making any efforts at being more or less of anything. but it has happened a few times that i was accepted as me, and defended for who i am, and it made me shed a few tears of happiness when it happened, but also of bitterness later. for the ones who accepted me are online friends, and none of the people who surround me in my local community. and even though being myself online turned out to be possible, i still can't get there irl.
i don't cry anywhere near often enough though, or at least not over my own currently hopeless situation. i wish i could cry more, but i don't dare allow myself that freedom. i'm a somewhat all or nothing kind of person, so i fear that i'd get on a faster track than i'm ready for if i broke down like that, one with no guarantee of ending safely at any station.
Quote from: Taka on September 24, 2013, 10:43:07 AM
i don't cry anywhere near often enough though, or at least not over my own currently hopeless situation. i wish i could cry more, but i don't dare allow myself that freedom. i'm a somewhat all or nothing kind of person, so i fear that i'd get on a faster track than i'm ready for if i broke down like that, one with no guarantee of ending safely at any station.
I spent over a decade in a fog of nothingness, living in an abusive marriage, working, cleaning, cooking, tending to the children while my spouse did largely nothing. I, too, dreaded feeling again, afraid I would be swept up in a cataclysm of despair.
It ended for me when a dear friend called me out on my misery. I told her I was fine. She called bulls#!t and then... it happened. I spent over an hour howling like a wild beast, crying until I could cry no more, broken. I found a therapist, tried marriage counseling (my spouse refused to admit she needed counseling, blamed me for everything, threw stuff at me, and even hit me in front of our therapist... so that went nowhere). I wound up moving out and feeling like my world had ended. I had broken my vow and my home. What had I done to the children?! I felt like a failure, and spent most of my time alternating between feeling nothing and staring into the Abyss.
So, yeah, it's something to be feared alright. But with therapy I came to realize that if I hadn't made the change, I would likely have been dead already. I was so far lost in the nothingness that I would likely have died. Not directly through suicide, but by not avoiding an accident, which is the same thing.
Over time, with a lot of therapy, I began to realize that life *was* getting better. I began to actually enjoy some things. I watched a *lot* of South Park on Netflix. I read. I cooked. Eventually I started to get out and meet people. And all of *that* was essential to get to where I am now. I was so busy barely surviving I couldn't even begin to cope with the idea of being transgendered. And now... now I am happy, by and large. I see a long term plan ahead.
Long story short, numbness can be comforting, but it isn't living. And the people who truly love you need to see you happy. In my case, my kids needed to see that I was going to be ok, needed me to be truly alive *with* them, more than they needed me to be together with their mom. I couldn't see that before, because a big part of me was convinced I didn't deserve to be happy and that no one cared anyway. That was the numbness, the depression, death talking.
Coming out of that hurt. A *lot*. ...but it really does get better. Don't go it alone, when you are ready... get a therapist or if none are available at the very least a good friend. Medications like antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, can help, and should be used if you need them. Even general practitioners can get those for you, often very inexpensively. I *can* tell you that it is worth it, once you get to the other side, and once you are there you will be able to help others get there too.
No matter what you decide, or when you decide it, I wish you well. *hug*
Quote from: Taka on September 24, 2013, 10:43:07 AM
i don't cry anywhere near often enough though, or at least not over my own currently hopeless situation. i wish i could cry more, but i don't dare allow myself that freedom. i'm a somewhat all or nothing kind of person, so i fear that i'd get on a faster track than i'm ready for if i broke down like that, one with no guarantee of ending safely at any station.
Hi Taka,
Everyone deserves happiness. We all deserve the joy of living our lives in the gender we are and not be defined by the bodies we were given. Unfortunately the world is not so accepting but that will not stop you loving who you are and being who you are. I'm not afraid to cry. Crying can bring us from unhappy places to hope and acceptance and on to better places.
Take care,
Love,
Ciara.
thanks ciara. unfortunately i still haven't learned how to cry, i could do it only for a half minute before i've had enough of it, at the most. it's almost as if i'm denying myself contact with my own emotions, locked some door and lost the key. and i'm afraid of how much would escape that room if i just kicked in the door, i'd rather try to find a way to pick the lock so i'm not too overwhelmed.
Quote from: robinmack on September 24, 2013, 11:18:27 AM
[...]
No matter what you decide, or when you decide it, I wish you well. *hug*
i have already decided to get through it hopefully without collapsing like that. i'm a single parent, and have nobody i dare entrust with my child. not that i don't understand your point, i know it all to be true, but i can't really risk my child losing everything. better to take it slowly and hope that i can find a way to change without having a total breakdown on the way. i don't think i could manage to deal with everything at once, so i'll try to take one thing at a time until things start getting sorted out and i can finally life for more than just a short moment at a time.
Hey Ciara,
I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
I totally understand what you are going through. I don't cry but I do get very angry and aggressive.
I think you should seriously consider taking the next step, if you already haven't.
Go to speak to a therapist, and sort some things out before it all gets too much for you.
just a question...
is it a bit like girls suddenly start crying and guys get angry or aggressive, when things get hard to handle?
would be interesting to hear some guys' opinions on this.
Hi Ciara,
I think so many of us can relate to exactly where you are right now. I'm not too much further down the road than you are but I agree that taking some steps has been helpful in dealing. First I came clean with my (then girlfriend now) wife. I then began seeing a therapist which has been tremendously helpful. I even went to a group meeting last week which is something I never thought I would be able to do. All of this has been helpful. I would strongly advise seeing a therapist as a first step. I assure you that you have no idea just how many ways your keeping this entirely bottled up inside is impacting the rest of your life. Wishing you peace and fewer tears. I've been there, I've shed them and I am sure I will shed many more along the way. I thank everyone here for giving me the strength to take one small step forward each and every day. I thank my therapist for helping me to see where I can take bigger steps I didn't think I would ever be able to take.
Xoxo,
Terri
Might I suggest some small victories to savour? Next time you have to leave Ciara again don't leave her completely, before I made my changes publicly visible I used to make sure my toenails were fabulously painted and my legs and bumbum were clad in some lovely lycra and girly undies. Ok, you might have to be a little careful but you will feel like you are beating the system that is keeping you down every time you manage it. By the time I made my public transition I no longer owned any male undies or socks.
Alex
Quote from: alexjrogers on September 27, 2013, 06:50:47 AM
Might I suggest some small victories to savour? Next time you have to leave Ciara again don't leave her completely, before I made my changes publicly visible I used to make sure my toenails were fabulously painted and my legs and bumbum were clad in some lovely lycra and girly undies. Ok, you might have to be a little careful but you will feel like you are beating the system that is keeping you down every time you manage it. By the time I made my public transition I no longer owned any male undies or socks.
Alex
Now that sounds like a plan. Thank you Alex, I will definitely consider that in future.
You are right. I should not try to leave her completely, but should hold on to part of her all the time.
Thank you,
Ciara
Everybody,
I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and support you have all shown me. I have been through a difficult period but have made it out the other side safely with your support, love and kindness.
I will love you all forever.
Ciara.
::HUGS::
It's frustrating to finally know who you are, and accept it, but not be able to express it. Right now, I can't even afford or even find clothing to help me start transitioning visibly. Almost all my friends know and some of my family. I'm pretty much "out" to everyone. But I can't do anything about it.
::HUGS::
It sucks. But I hope that we both someday find ways of expressing ourselves for the world to see and know and accept.
MJ
Quote from: Ciara on September 27, 2013, 07:20:54 AM
Everybody,
I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and support you have all shown me. I have been through a difficult period but have made it out the other side safely with your support, love and kindness.
I will love you all forever.
Ciara.
Its our pleasure sweetie xx
Hey Ciara,
How's it going? I'm hoping you are okay.
BIG HUG Ciara!! :) Hey baby, just think of it as putting on male camouflage for safety or security. You are a woman and sometimes we have to do what we do to protect ourselves. Anytime you need me I will be here. DO NOT ever give up who you are inside, that is no way to live and will cause untold anguish. Lean on me and the others here and you will have the strength you need to go on. I am like you as far as feeling, concerns and fears. I just lost a 16 year marriage, kids and all the other things we risk losing. For me it was worth it so I could spend time on just me. I am on HRT now and will eventually get SRS not because it makes sense, but because I have to be who I am outside to match my inside. If you have to remain male on the outside for whatever reason, NEVER, deny or "kill" what you are on the inside. Feel free to PM me if you ever need a shoulder. :)
Quote from: learningtolive on October 04, 2013, 08:57:23 AM
Hey Ciara,
How's it going? I'm hoping you are okay.
Hi LTL,
Its lovely to hear from you. I am okay now. I went through a bad spell, I had some serious problems at work and while trying to deal with that, my wifes father passed away. He was a good friend and his passing left a void. I had a lot of trouble getting back to the male pretence as my dysphoria was more severe than I had ever known. It was probably stress. I'm okay now.
Thank you for your support.
Ciara.
Hi Ciara. I'm new here. Maybe it's already known, but why are you in the closet? Being yourself obviously means the world to you, as it should. People are open-minded. Being transgender is no longer stigmatized, I don't think. I've been coming out to my friends, and they've all been nothing but supportive. I came out to my mom, too. She's struggling with it, but she keeps reassuring me that she loves me no matter what.
You have to be you. By staying in the closet, you're doing yourself a disservice. What are you trying to gain by hiding your true self? Are you trying to impress people who don't respect you? Are you trying to look "normal" in the eyes of people who aren't worth your time?
If you don't want to flat-out come out of the closet yet, you could do things like wearing nail polish in daily life. Pick a girl thing to bring out nonchalantly. It doesn't necessarily show that you're trans; it's just something you like.
As an anonymous person over the internet, I'm totally rooting for you, Ciara!
Quote from: Ciara on October 04, 2013, 08:13:17 PM
Hi LTL,
Its lovely to hear from you. I am okay now. I went through a bad spell, I had some serious problems at work and while trying to deal with that, my wifes father passed away. He was a good friend and his passing left a void. I had a lot of trouble getting back to the male pretence as my dysphoria was more severe than I had ever known. It was probably stress. I'm okay now.
Thank you for your support.
Ciara.
I'm sorry you went through such a rough patch, but glad to hear you're better. May I ask, do you think there is a way for you to address your dysphoria? I realize you are in the closet and don't want your wife to know. That's totally understandable, and I don't want to push anything on you that is uncomfortable. But short of transitioning or coming out, do you think you could find peaceful ways to resolve some of the dysphoria? What are some things you wish you could or ways that you'd like to address the feelings?
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 04, 2013, 09:01:15 AM
BIG HUG Ciara!! :) Hey baby, just think of it as putting on male camouflage for safety or security. You are a woman and sometimes we have to do what we do to protect ourselves. Anytime you need me I will be here. DO NOT ever give up who you are inside......
Hi Jessica,
Thank you so much for being there. You can be sure that I will NEVER give on who I am. I love being a girl and I could have no self confidence or self respect unless i believe in myself. I will never give up on the girl inside. I will never give up on Ciara.
Thank you for caring.
Ciara
Quote from: learningtolive on October 05, 2013, 12:20:47 PM
I'm sorry you went through such a rough patch, but glad to hear you're better. May I ask, do you think there is a way for you to address your dysphoria? I realize you are in the closet and don't want your wife to know. That's totally understandable, and I don't want to push anything on you that is uncomfortable. But short of transitioning or coming out, do you think you could find peaceful ways to resolve some of the dysphoria? What are some things you wish you could or ways that you'd like to address the feelings?
Hi LTL,
Most of the time my dysphoria is okay. Acceptance and love of the woman I am is usually enough, but sometimes when under stress i may need a little more. At times like that I may wear something feminine if possible like jewellery, perfume or discreet clothing. I'll also plan some time to have some girlie time so I have something to look forward to. I also find it helps to go walking alone and let Ciara have time to herself.
Right now I am alone at home, I'm in male dress but I am absolutely a girl and that makes me feel okay.
Thank you as always for caring.
Ciara.
Quote from: Ciara on October 06, 2013, 09:13:43 AM
Hi LTL,
Most of the time my dysphoria is okay. Acceptance and love of the woman I am is usually enough, but sometimes when under stress i may need a little more. At times like that I may wear something feminine if possible like jewellery, perfume or discreet clothing. I'll also plan some time to have some girlie time so I have something to look forward to. I also find it helps to go walking alone and let Ciara have time to herself.
Right now I am alone at home, I'm in male dress but I am absolutely a girl and that makes me feel okay.
Thank you as always for caring.
Ciara.
Have you thought about therapy? Maybe it will help you with coping a bit more? At the very least, talking to people and understanding our triggers better can do a lot of good and help us deal with the hard times when they appear.
Also, I think it should be noted, that you talk about Ciara, as though this person was somebody outside of you -- a person you long to visit -- when in fact, Ciara IS you! There's no leaving her behind, because she and you are one in the same. Male or female, you are YOU. It's just obvious to you and apparent to the rest of us, that you're supposed to be female.
PS: I hate mice.
Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on October 07, 2013, 10:32:14 PM
Also, I think it should be noted, that you talk about Ciara, as though this person was somebody outside of you -- a person you long to visit -- when in fact, Ciara IS you! There's no leaving her behind, because she and you are one in the same. Male or female, you are YOU. It's just obvious to you and apparent to the rest of us, that you're supposed to be female.
PS: I hate mice.
I know that Ciara is me and I do love that. I also know that I speak in the third person sometimes and that is my mechanism of coping with the fact that I must live and present as a man.
You mentioned in your earlier reply that transgender is no longer stigmatised. I only wish that was true for middle aged married fathers in small towns in Ireland - unfortunately there is little acceptance here.
Thank you for your kind support. I have no doubt that I am and always will be female.....that is what I treasure most.
By the way, I don't understand your reference to mice!!!
The mice thing has nothing to do with the topic at hand; as I was typing, I could hear them running in the drop ceiling above my head.