Hi guys,
I have been nearly full time for about 5-6 months and 100% FT, work and everything, for about 2.
I seem to pass reasonably well, but not always.
I am not finding that I am really any less scared when I am out and about. If I have to walk past others I try and keep my head down and walk as fast as I can, which actually drawn attention to me. Its really difficult to deal with my fear and it occupies almost all of my mental processes when I am out. I suppose I am making some progress but its not much at all.
I was wondering how long it took people to get comfortable and just get on with their lives?
Thanks :-)
Akira x
Akira, It took me quite a while & I also do not look acceptable some of the time. For myself the more feminine I dress the more confident I seem to feel. I rarely go out without my makeup just right, dressed nice & feminine, polished nails, jewelry, accessories, etc... Then I try to look people in the eye as a normal woman would. I have a nice voice so I try to speak to any one that comes close or speaks to me.
Maybe this helps??
I'll be glad when it is all second nature, maybe soon?
Though I am not trans, my best friend is and she has been full time for a over a year now but she still won't go out to crowded places at night without me or some other support system. Not that I can blame her, there are some real a**holes around here.
In my opinion self confidence does not suddenly appear, you have to work on it.
It is the same as public speaking etc. You have to practice walking slowly, hold you head up, keep a smile on your face, be interested in your surrounds. Also avoid eye contact unless talking to people. Searching peoples faces to see if they are staring at you is a sure way of getting people to stare at you!!
And remember, most people really don't care, they are far more concerned with their own issues.
Cindy, thank you for your support & help. Also thank you for your very nice donation to Susan's Place.
Quote from: Akira21 ♡♡♡ on September 20, 2013, 11:58:10 PM
Hi guys,
I have been nearly full time for about 5-6 months and 100% FT, work and everything, for about 2.
I seem to pass reasonably well, but not always.
I am not finding that I am really any less scared when I am out and about. If I have to walk past others I try and keep my head down and walk as fast as I can, which actually drawn attention to me. Its really difficult to deal with my fear and it occupies almost all of my mental processes when I am out. I suppose I am making some progress but its not much at all.
I was wondering how long it took people to get comfortable and just get on with their lives?
Thanks :-)
Akira x
When other people consistently experience you as female you will begin to consistently experience yourself as female and instead of anticipating an outcome you will begin to real.ize or experience the reality that you are indeed female. When the focus of that reality shifts from inside of you to outside of you it will become habit and you will become used to it.
Having people know that you transitioned will interfere with this process. Having people tell other people that you transitioned will prevent this process. Replaying old ideas in your mind about what a real woman is and how you differ will prevent this process. Conceptualizing your core truth as, "A part of me has always been female, I have always been female." Will assist in the process. Failing to get rid of old photos, things with your old name on them, keeping your dilators when you could purchase a dildo, failing to change paperwork, will hobble the process. Thinking of yourself as trans, viewing passing as a goal, engaging in conversations about transition... will make this process more tricky, assuming you are done with the physical aspects of transition.
When the focus that you.are.female shifts from being inside of your brain, to being inside of the brains of those around you and those who interact with you, those who communicate with you... Something incredible and magical will happen. The entire Universe will shift. And after a while you will have no choice but to believe in yourself as others do. It will no longer be a conscious choice, it will no longer be an effort. Not everyone gets to this point. Some people have difficulty passing as their chosen gender, some people can't afford surgery. Some people can't let go of the past. Some people won't cut off relationships that hold them back or move away from people who knew them from before.
There is a spectrum of transition, call it a rainbow of visible light perhaps. Some people experience red, some people experience red, orange and yellow. Some people experience blue and violet but something magical happens when you experience yellow, orange, red, violet, blue and green, you get white light. Pick the transition that is right for you and good luck whatever you choose.
Maybe I should have just said, "It gets better." No one can give you a time because it depends on you and your unique situation. It took me about four years after I went full-time because that was how long it took to get FFS and BAS but my life isn't full rainbow yet. The good news is that after a while you stop caring, given time but that really isn't good news.
Kate, thanks for your help & advise. In my early years (late teens & early 20's) I looked great & enjoyed doing "drag" shows all the time. I had a male type biz job & no possible way to transition at work. I looked good & felt great as a girl/woman. I loved being a woman 100% & still do inside. Also early on I had some laser treatment on my facial hair however I did not complete my hair removal. How stupid I was not to complete that step long ago. Now older & my facial hair is grey so my only choice is electrolysis. I just feel so stupid to have to shave my face then go out in the world as a woman 15 minutes later.
Just need to vent some frustration. I just hate this stupid facial hair/beard.
Maybe if younger girls read this they will remove all facial hair ASAP so they can have a more normal life.
Thanks again.
In my teens and for most of my life I had more trouble trying to 'pass' as a boy than as a girl - the advantage of being young, skinny, and somewhat pretty - but now in my 60s with more of a granny figure I find that hair and clothing are more important. If I am going about as a slob, I am sometimes mis-gendered - I usually respond my intentionally mis-gendering the other person, some get it, others don't - but I try not to let it get to me. I KNOW who and what I am and that's the important thing. I look people in the eye and smile and don't let the a@@holes phase me! What is to be scared about if you know who you are and don't care what someone else thinks?
Northern Jane, cool attitude. We can all learn a lot from you.
Quote from: Northern Jane on September 21, 2013, 05:40:33 AM
- but I try not to let it get to me. I KNOW who and what I am and that's the important thing. I look people in the eye and smile and don't let the a@@holes phase me! What is to be scared about if you know who you are and don't care what someone else thinks?
Affirmative.
At some point, you have to just say, "Who gives a rip?!" about some goombah on the street, and then you proceed with your life as you are.
My partner always encourages me to be proud of my body, not to hide my shape, and eventually I began to take that attitude and walk around like I own the place. Takes time, though.
the better part of a year I'd guess...
Hard to say.
But each time it gets better.
I was afraid as hell in the beginning. Now I dont even think about it anymore, and if I try to man up it feels weird.
I'm prolly an outlier but I felt comfortable almost immediately. I pass really well and didn't go full-time until I got stopped by the police and they wanted to call a female officer to search me and when I told them I had a penis they thought I was being crude and told me I was digging a deeper hole and to just come clean. After that, I dressed everyday and because of beard shadpw when people get to close they question me but other then that I get hit on all the time and stuff so it is easier to feel like I am passing. But I still get antsy. Especially now that I present male (andro male with femmish shirts) at work. Dressing male has really been hard and is in fact worse then dressing female. The one day I was dressed male and these guys were like what's up DUDE. And start whispering about the girl trying to be a guy and were really rude to me. But that's my story and I am sticking to it.
Just keep doing it and like everything, it will feel very normal, very soon.
Quote from: Akira21 ♡♡♡ on September 20, 2013, 11:58:10 PM
Hi guys,
I have been nearly full time for about 5-6 months and 100% FT, work and everything, for about 2.
I seem to pass reasonably well, but not always.
I am not finding that I am really any less scared when I am out and about. If I have to walk past others I try and keep my head down and walk as fast as I can, which actually drawn attention to me. Its really difficult to deal with my fear and it occupies almost all of my mental processes when I am out. I suppose I am making some progress but its not much at all.
I was wondering how long it took people to get comfortable and just get on with their lives?
Thanks :-)
Akira x
To get comfortable, you have to be comfortable...you've already realized some of the behaviors you're doing which indicates discomfort...work on those and confidence will come.
Myself, I already had experience with looking like I owned the place (ex-military, and some street demonstrations with an outgoing and exuberant group)...but I still needed a "chill pill" (Rx from a dr) to help reduce the anxiety during most of my "firsts": first time with lipstick, first time with dangly earrings, first time in a dress, first time going into a sporting goods store (male-dominated area). But after that first ice-breaker, I didn't need the chill pill anymore...maybe 6 months?
Boldness comes from within, and it sounds like you're already there...you just have to hold your head up, and look ahead...with a Mona Lisa smile for your present, and future!
This so much for your help people :-)
It's completely odd as I was a very very femme boy before I transitioned. Girls fit cloths make up accessories etc. But it was clear that was not trying to pass as female. I was completely used to people staring and I didn't give a hoot. Not at all.
I thought that transition would be easy in that respect for me, because I knew how to be confident in public, but boy was I wrong. It's been a complete different ball game and if I wasn't so pushy with myself, then u would be hiding away.
Uni starts this week and uni is full, students and staff everywhere. I am scared enough getting a sandwich with a friend when I pass 2-3 people. The idea of being I a uni buzzing with hundreds of people if filling me with dread atm.
I am hoping it will come and I will deal with it and it will accelerate my progress. Either that or drive me into finding a hole to hide in!
In the beginning I didn't care if I passed, it just felt so good to be living my own life for the first time. If you live in a place where some people know you transitioned you will never be able to determine if you pass or not. People love to point out trans women more than anything and you can't trust anyone, not friends, no one.
The worst thing I ever did was participate in GLBT events because the people at those events outed me to pretty much the rest of the world. I had a gay man I met at a GLBT place recognize me at my place of work (someone I had not seen in years) and he proceeded to out me to every coworker I had, and the owner. My recommendation if you want to pass as female, never go near anything GLBT ever. Worst mistake I ever made in my life and I only gave one example, there are plenty more.
Fear is a palpable and insidious force we can internalize. It can turn into the mob actions of discrimination or hate. Fear can result in hiding and withdrawal. I can attest to fear creating monsters in my head that simply did not exist.
Like many here, when I finally accepted myself I went full time. I started this year, 2013, with a new life as Tessa well before HRT or being passable and I will never go back. I care much less about being passable than being my real and authentic self. I am strong and assertive and confident enough to get me through most situations with a smile and song in my heart. Sure practice is helpful and I certainly did have people literally holding my hand to start. Now I own the process and can set the table and feel this forum and day to day interactions with the public are essential parts of understanding myself in relation to this crazy culture.
It is regrettable that anyone has had hassles with other LGBTQ folks. That T is us BTW and like many others here I also belong and strongly identify with being an out Bi person and have been involved with the out rainbow world since 1975. Anyone who hears our coming out story is liable to share the big and dramatic news. I think that is human nature even if not supportive.
The truth is that we are a tiny minority and we are making very measurable progress in the political sphere partly because we have allies in the LGBTQ and cisgender worlds.
So much discrimination and prejudice is based on fear and ignorance. Education is one way to armor ourselves and be a part of the changes we so very much need.
I feel much better being able to literally hold hands and be myself in an LGBTQ venue. Let us please be the ones to reach out, make more friends and create the big tent that is inclusive. There are plenty of elites already?
One trait I find in the women that go through the process successfully is they could care less what other people think. It can take time for someone to get to this point but it happens. As a matter of fact it get so bad with most of us that after transition many of us need to re-learn how to care about other people in a certain way and not be so self centered.
I guess it's also to do with the people you choose to surround yourself with. Hearing negative comments about one's ability to currently or to ever pass, really does shatter your confidence. At least it did for me. I guess i need to work back to that point were i feel strong enough to go FT. Right now all i see is the man in the mirror. ->-bleeped-<- i hate haters.
Oh Bardoux, I really feel for you. I have been there too. I still get there sometimes. You are very cute though. You will do just fine ;-) x
I was scared to death for the longest time of going out in public but after quite a few weeks of baby steps i'm just about over my fear. Finally going back to work really hit the nail on the head for me. I have to interact with a lot of people (I work in retail returns) and I have yet to be misgendered. I even had a lot of customers ask if I had a brother that works there :D Those who do recognize me have had only kind words to say. It's been one week totally full time and so far so good!
You really do just gotta put your big girl panties on and go out and face your fears. Location is a big factor though I will say. Living in San Diego is probably a lot easier because it has so much diversity that most people wouldn't care either way. I've gotten so use to it that it feels weird to go to other places in the country that are not as diverse.
I do not hide away and I have been full time at work for a while, I have been out in public for ages and I am ok with work colleagues and people I know. I have my big girl panties on :-P I am getting out there and doing it but my fear level is still high. Some days it's kinda ok, some days I just feel so self conscious of all my male features that I want to hide them /me.
Quote from: Akira21 ♡♡♡ on September 22, 2013, 06:27:16 AM
Some days it's kinda ok, some days I just feel so self conscious of all my male features that I want to hide them /me.
It seems entirely reasonable that we have these days where our self confidence bottoms out and then we can pick up the pieces and regroup. These days, with HRT, it is a bit more challenging for me to identity the sources of angst or doubt. Catching a glimpse of "him" in a mirror or photo can do it but that seems to be improving for me with practice being out all the time.
What a roller coast some days!
And while your own self acceptance is most important I gotta say that, Akira you look gorgeous and i see no man at all.
Quote from: Akira21 ♡♡♡ on September 21, 2013, 05:44:23 PM
Oh Bardoux, I really feel for you. I have been there too. I still get there sometimes. You are very cute though. You will do just fine ;-) x
Thank you babe :-*
You know your gorgeous right? x
Thanks Tessa and Bardoux, you are too kind :-) Literally.
After this past weekend I feel much more empathy for the women on this board who caution against LGBTQ events (I've got a post in this forum detailing my experience https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,149303.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,149303.0.html) if you're interested).
On the plus side, people in these communities can help. A *lot*. They have wisdom from their own experiences to share, tips for clothes, presentation, shoes, makeup, jobs in the local area, etc. They are often warm and friendly and very accepting. But Friday night was absolutely wonderful and I truly felt like I was expressing the woman within myself until I got repeatedly clocked and recognized at a place I used to visit.
I guess it doesn't help that I was a local semi-celebrity before in my attempting-really-hard-to-be-male persona. But seriously, while people are well-meaning, they can really be harmful in their attempts. This makes me unhappy with my trans status, and impatient to transition. I can see how it would be tempting to go completely stealth after the transition (although, as a bisexual, after transitioning I would probably continue to be a part of the L and B communities no matter what). The danger there is that the women who have learned their lessons best, who know best how to integrate into society, are no longer available as mentors.
So, while I do recommend the support of the community, I also recommend having some CIS female friends to go do things with *outside* of that community too, where you can be a girl with your girlfriends and just enjoy life. It is wonderful, and well worth it!
The long and the short is that only by going out often and socializing (facing your fears) can you overcome them... at least, that's how I see it. Depending on what stage you are in, it may be best to stay in the LGBTQ "nest" for a bit, but I do recommend some training flights with CIS women, too.
*hug*
Quote from: robinmack on September 23, 2013, 10:39:15 AM
On the plus side, people in these communities can help. A *lot*. They have wisdom from their own experiences to share, tips for clothes, presentation, shoes, makeup, jobs in the local area, etc. They are often warm and friendly and very accepting.
Yes. And I am going to check out your other post. Just wanted to say that for many of us it may be better to get anonymous help on a forum such as this rather than by exposing one's self as trans to a bunch of people who will then be able to point you out as trans, tell other people you are trans, take pictures of you, post those pictures on websites... And while someone can de-transition they can never remove the memories that they were/are trans from other people just like you can post a pic of yourself on the web and then take it down but the internet always keeps about ten thousand copies of it so you can never really take that picture down even though you did. For people who are exploring the possibility that they may be trans it may be better for some to experience that without creating contacts who know them as trans, can point them out as trans, will out them later on as trans.
And I know this may sound weird on a forum like this but trans women can ask women for tips on clothing, hair and makeup. Virtually all of the problems that we experience as trans women are things that women have to deal with. Some women have facial hair, some women have masculine voices, some women loose their hair, Etc.
Quote from: Kate G on September 23, 2013, 05:18:51 PM
And I know this may sound weird on a forum like this but trans women can ask women for tips on clothing, hair and makeup. Virtually all of the problems that we experience as trans women are things that women have to deal with. Some women have facial hair, some women have masculine voices, some women loose their hair, Etc.
Absolutely... I owe a *lot* to the CIS women who have helped me begin my journey (and who are willing, even eager to take their "new" girlfriend out on the town). It works both ways... even though I've always been on the outside, I have insight into men that can only be gained by being immersed in their world. As a transgendered person, you may find you are able to help them better understand the males in their life, because you speak both languages (even if one is more distasteful), at least better than they do. And they can help with all the million and one little things that many of us missed out on by being raised male instead of female.
You are a lot sharper than me if you figured them out during ur time before!
It's taken me a while to get comfortable - and I've had the benefit of being able to go out with my wife and/or my roommate quite a bit. What finally did it for me were trips to the grocery store of all places. My roommate normally does the grocery shopping and she started dragging me along with her since I like to cook. I was more interested in the shopping than worrying about what anybody else thought - if anything I got a little too comfortable as I still have to "think" about my voice or I lapse back to my male voice and I found I was doing that there. :)
Well, if we're talking about me and only me? I went full-time on about the second month after my little break-down/through. The fear was a lot and I do mean, a LOT but it really helps when you're just throwing yourself out there day after day. It took a couple of days for the OMG GONNA DIE fears to go away, about six months for the general unease to go away, and after that, everything was just tapering. These days? T-shirt, jeans, swat a brush at my hair and I'm out the door with only the barest whisper of anxiety though, pre SRS, it just kinda lingers on me because... EW!
You're really, really attractive though and I don't really see any issues at all with you getting clocked or whatever so that'll make it easier. Getting clocked is pretty much the worst because the only people who care enough to do so are generally ->-bleeped-<-s and tend to make the expierence quite unpleasant.
i'm at eleven months right now, and i'm finding so much variation day to day i don't even know how to talk about it properly....
when i am with my girlfriend, and i manage to get myself ready and get out the door, i can go anywhere and do anything.
dodgy suburbs where we have to run to the car to not be assaulted? that's a laugh. [at least... when we get far enough away it's a laugh.]
hanging out with musical idols i haven't seen since heavy boymode? great hobby, best nights.
family functions where i'll be literally and figuratively torn apart? i wade into that, confidence so bright i can feel it pouring out of my eyes.
....but without her? some days i walk to the corner shop and i feel like a regular girl. sometimes i dance and show off. last week i had to meet her in the city like we've done a hundred times before, and i ended up in a huddle in the corner of the train station having the worst anxiety attack i've ever had.
i feel like overall i'm making progress and getting better
but i still have no idea what makes some days so easy to deal with and others a nightmare.
i doubt i ever will, i think we just have to focus on getting one foot in front of the other, every day....
it's such a long road. but you all know that as well as i do.
I have no idea what fear in public feels like. That's just me.
I'm known for being the WRONG person to dare, as I am not afraid to do things. Granted, I am squeamish about anything not legal.
But then again, considering what I have done in my life, walking down the street dressed correctly, I haven't the slightest concerns about what others might think. MY opinion of myself is the only one I worry about.
I don't know what shy feels like, and 'embarrassed' is a word that really has no use in my experiences. I have had to take my foot out of my mouth before, but, I do it and then move on :)