Hey there everybody... My name is Olivia, or Livvy for short. I'm quite sure you know why I'm here, same reason you are... But where do i start?
I guess we'll travel back in time to about 1993. I was but a weee lad then but i have vivid memories, even at just two years old of feeling different. Emotionally, I wasn't your average bio-male toddler. I was a sweetheart, hugs and kisses for everybody. I played with all toys though, barbies, cars, easy bakes and action figures (which are just boy barbies really)
I didnt realize it was gender related until i was about 4 years old... The first time i donned (consciously at least) a garment reserved for females. My mom's best friend had a daugter a year younger than myself and we did everything together, including dressup. I loved every second of it. I didnt know why i loved it. I knew boys werent supposed to love dressing like girls but i did and there was nothing i could do about it.
From that point on till puberty i employed every female in my life to help me indulge in my favorite pastime, aside from my mother that is. If nobody was around, i would sneak in my moms closet and put on fashon shows for the walls. Still loving it and clueless as to why.
That went on for about 7 years till i was 12. Thats when a huge light bulb turned on in my mind. I was watching tv in my mom's room because she had a cablebox which meant the good channels! I was watching the Discovery Health Channel (now Discovery health&fit) and i saw a program titled "Super Surgery: Gender Swap" that changed my life. I knew instantly that somehow, i was transgendered.
That event sparked a research campaign that to this day still goes on. I watched carefully for any tv program relating to the topic and taped it on VHS (remember those?)
This all was going on around the time i discovered genitals served a greater purpose than urination. Now when i dressed up, i sometimes had accidents and lets just say lots of mama's clothes got ruined. At this point the guilt started setting in. I had nothing to be guilty about, but thanks to society i had a complex about myself.
14 years old, i got caught. Not dressing up, but web history. My mom worked 3rd shift so as soon as she got off work at 7am she would come home with a 12pack and surf the web. She saw my history from research and confronted me about it. Moms arent stupid yall, she knew what was up. But i... Like a jackwagon denied greatly that i was trans. I told her i saw the show and was just curious. And she left it alone. God do i wish i could take that day back...
From then on every once in a while she would find my stashes of garments but didnt really flip, just wanted a truthful explination. She knew i was at least a crossdresser.
In high school i used to wear panties and bras under my boy clothes. Kept my toenails painted and legs shaved too until i found football. I loved and still love the sport and everything about it. At that point i regressed back to manhood. I'd dress up maybe once a month, if that, but that was it. Overall i was content as a boy because i felt like i belonged to something for the first time in my life.
Shortly after graduating, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed away in Janurary 2010. That brought on depression, drug use and lots ot time to think about who i was and who she thought i was.
June of that same year i decided that i was just repressing my true self with the drugs I dropped the pipe and decided to do something about this. I told my sister (6years older) first va hand letter. Luckily she is an open minded person. She thought i was gay before because i never had a girlfriend but it was so much more than that. She was actually excited to have a little sister because she never had one. I proceded to tell my 2 brothers (both older), my closest friends, and finally last summer i told my dad. He took it surprisingly well. He said "I dont condone it at all, but youre my child and i will always love you" i cried like a college co-ed at the "Friends" finale.
Finally everybody knew about me and my feelings. Some love, some hate, but acceptance reigned supreme. And that leads us to right now.
Unfortunately im stuck in a miserable rut, living with my father watching his new kids 5 days a week ... Unemployed and still male outside. I feel more free to express myself now though. I can show that same sense of love and care i had as a toddler. My true, feminine nature. I guess because im in a traditionally female role im ok with the way things are, better yet i just tolerate it. I still dress and present as male for the time being but my fem tendicies slip alot and quite frankly it looks silly to see it sometimes. I need a body to match this spirit and as soon as i get a job, im gettin a move on with transitioning.
Well, thank you for actually reading my mini autobiography.... It means a lot to me to know you care enough to listen. If you have any questions (or tips on how to subtly express Olivia) feel free to email me or message me. I have facebook too but im not giving it out publicly... I gotta get to know ya first. ;)
P.S.
I typed all this on a phone, so please excuse my typos!
Hi Livvy :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here
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Hugs
V M
Thanks V! I was actually looking for the section on how to apply my age and avatar. I'm sure I'll get plenty of love and resources from Susan's. I've stopped by on numerous occasions and always wondered why i didn't join the site.
Hi Livvy,
Thank you for sharing your very personal mini autobiography. Congratulations on coming out so successfully!
I think you will find that many of us can relate to your experiences including that early awareness that we are different.
What that difference means for our gender identity and what we do about it are also individual matters. While there are some commonalities we know that your pace of change, if any, is yours to determine. There is a wide spectrum of identities and perspectives here for you to explore.
Many people advocate finding a gender therapist to assist us especially in considering transition. It was essential for me.
Best of luck,
Tessa James
Thank you Tessa!
I have it decided that i am transitioning. as of right now im doing it as soon as i find employment... however my mind may change and want to postpone it till i get on my own. I know my dad wouldn't financially support this. Hes a great man and all, btu not for something like this. First things first I have my therapist chosen, and i have spoken with him. He has TG experience and would love to see me. i just need money/insurance, which im awaiting a call back from several employers as we speak. So I am confident its going to happen before im 25. Ill keep updates all the way. I can already tell this is my new home! i feel so welcome
Welcome to our family Livvy!
Hi Livvy , :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 7665. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet )O(
Welcome to the family~ ^^
I'm a little new too, but I can definitely relate to you!