As I've been exploring my gender identity and my desire to be more masculine, I've had a few conversations with my boyfriend about what I am learning and what next steps I would like to take to explore my gender identity. We've been together for 4.5 years, and his opinion means a lot to me and I would really appreciate his support.
However, I don't feel like im getting through to him. It seems like the only time he considers my desires are when I specifically bring it up and make us talk about it. I don't do this very often, as it very much upsets him and makes him uncomfortable (we've only really talked about it 4 times). But as soon as the discussion is over, everything just goes back to the way it was before, like the conversation never happened and I'm not having these feelings after all. He refuses to use the word "transgender", and will not educate himself on what "transgender" actually means (i think he equates transgender with transexual, and the thought of me having different parts terrifies him).
For instance, I brought up the idea of me getting a more androgynous haircut, kind of a more shaggy look and not super short or overly masculine, and asked for his thoughts. I thought this would be a less stressful topic, as I have had my hair done everyway under the sun from super short pixie cut to long hair to highlights to (currently) dyed flaming red and he has always told me to do whatever makes me happy. To my dismay, he immediately clammed up and wouldn't give me a straight answer. When I pressed him, he said "You're just going to do what you want, so..." and that really hurt me. I responded that I really would like his thoughts and support, but he again wouldn't give me a straight answer.
I'm trying very hard to let him know what's going on since that is something he specifically asked me to do. He said he felt blindsided at first, so I am trying to be more upfront about the things I want to try and how I am feeling so he is aware of everything. But it seems like he doesn't want to know, and would rather just ignore it. I have dealt with this attitude my whole life from my family, especially regarding my mental health issues, and my boyfriend knows this. So the fact that he is acting this way really hurts me and is making me very insecure. Maybe I'm being too frank, or maybe I'm approaching this the wrong way?
This has been making me feel terrible. I feel like I can't explore my feelings without hurting him or going behind his back in secret. But when I try to discuss it and bring it out in the open, I get the overwhelming feeling that he just wants me to keep it to myself and that he doesn't want to ever talk about it again.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to get that off my chest. If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do or if I am doing something wrong, please let me know. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I feel so trapped.
Have you seen a gender therapist yet? Perhaps you could see if there's anyone in your area or see one of the on-line ones. The therapist could help you figure out your feelings more and offer suggestions on discussing this with your boyfriend.
I haven't quite been in the same situation as you, so I can't completely relate, but I think your boyfriend is probably afraid that you'll become a very different person if you transition, or that you two won't be attracted to each other anymore, etc. I know you need his support right now, but maybe asking him what makes him afraid or uncomfortable about this would give you the opportunity to try to assuage his fears.
LearnedHand: I currently see a therapist and she has been helping me with my questions (I dont know if she is specifically a gender therapist though). I've tried asking my boyfriend what his fears are and what makes him uncomfortable, and he usually responds with "I just don't like you appearing more masculine. It's not attractive," or simply "I dont know, it just does." If I press further he usually clams up. I think he's just as confused as I am about how he feels and doesn't know how to sort it out so he just tries to ignore it. I guess I'm just wondering if I'm pressing too hard or if there's anything I could try to help facilitate a discussion.
He isn't likely going to be comfortable with your transition. You could go easy, be gentle on yourself and him and wait for the relationship to run its course. Or you could gradually make changes and see how he adapts. Or you could just go with evolving yourself and not heed his feelings so much, but that might involve a choice between transition and your boyfriend, as has been stated.
Good luck whatever you do. It's hard to lose loved ones, and it's hard to put off transition.
I'm sorry that he isn't listening to you. If he is normally someone who is considerate of your feelings, it's likely that the possibility of you transitioning is unearthing some anxieties that he doesn't know how to handle.
For one, Henry could be very right in that he worries you two may not be attracted to each other. He might think you will start liking women, as many people confuse sexual orientation and gender identity. Or of course, there is the worry that he may not be able to be attracted to you as a guy. Obviously I am FTM, but I have to be honest, I wouldn't know what to do myself if I had a female partner who wanted to transition. I'm not trying to be discouraging, I'm just trying to illustrate some possible anxieties he has, and maybe you could address them somehow. Of course if my partner turned out to be FTM, I'd understand their desires, but in terms of how to relate to them romantically, it would be a struggle. It would affect so many things. As a straight man, I've never communicated with a man intimately - I'd have to shift to seeing my partner as male, and then shift how I communicate with those I perceive as male. It would change how I touch them - I've never lovingly caressed a man, which body parts would I touch? How would I touch them without it seeming like I am caressing a woman? Would I want someone handling me like a man would handle someone? When I am with a woman I adore her body, could I adore a male body? Because he deserves to be adored and desired as the man he is. How would I avoid making him uncomfortable? How would I handle being perceived as gay, when I have never noticed a man in my life? People would talk to me as if I know what it means to be gay, as if I notice other men, and I wouldn't know how to do that. I tried to do that for years as a girl and everyone knew I didn't really like guys. Even though I am FTM myself I honestly would have no idea how to handle that. It would probably mark the end of our romantic relationship, even though I'd still love and support that person...but if I decided to stay with him, I'd have to relearn EVERYTHING I've ever known to be true to myself, at least in terms of intimacy. Not saying it's not possible, but I personally don't know where I'd start and I'd have to communicate with him.
At the end of the day, it's going to come up one way or the other. It's kind of hard to put gender issues back in the box once they are out. I think you will, at some point, need to ask him to really tell you why he is shutting you out. That you are trying to talk to him, but you just don't know how to get through, and you want and need for him to be open with you so you can find out how to proceed. Especially when you have been together for so long.
It might be good to see a gender therapist specifically. You can find references online (this website is one start, but it isn't the whole deal). If you have gender dysphoria it is really impossible to say where you might end up in the process and it for sure will not be an easy one. I started out as androgynous and that's what I thought was going on. In reality I was living in that place as it is was comfortable and I didn't know there was an alternative. I didn't know I could be a trans guy, tbh.
I'm not saying you will end up that way either, but I know quite a number of people who did transition who started out as more androgynous. So you could stay there too, but I don't know that you really know unless you have explored your feelings and so forth.
I'm going to say something you might have suspected but gender dysphoria is VERY hard on relationships like this. There are times when both partners agree and it does work, but normally they are supportive at the beginning. So I wonder just how in touch with YOU he is. Esp on something little like a haircut. As you know there are many ways to present as "female" and some of them are way way into the masculine. So if he is not okay with that, then not sure how well this relationship is going to do, tbh.
I'm sorry to say this, but I don't know of anything where the relationship really lasts if the partner isn't 100% supportive. If you completely transition, you would relate to him as a guy and not a gal at all.Or maybe you will related like a non-gendered person. He might be confused by this. Actually had a MUCH more casual relationship with an MTF and she KNEW I was trans. Obviously was supportive of me being trans, and so on. I think she is really attracted to girls and I really did change and she is not obviously looking at a girl at all (anymore). Okay she never was but there is reality there. So all relationships don't even survive if both spouses are supportive (and maybe mine wouldn't have either, after all it was pretty casual). I know one where I think the gal just prefers transguys and that one didn't survive the transition, even though she is 100% supportive.
So maybe you don't know how far your transition goes, but doesn't sound like you can explore it while you are doing what those of us with gender dysphoria need to do. Experiment and think about it a LOT.
Now maybe it is just he doesn't understand too much. If that's the case maybe books or websites. Trans the movie is very good if you could find this. Though it is binary transitions.
BTW, I wondering if you are more genderqueer or androgynous. If that's the case you might want to post in the Androgyne section. I actually started posting there first and then figured out I belonged more here. I'm not trying to give you the heave-ho or anything. Obviously you are welcome anywhere on Susans.
--Jay
Thanks everyone for the advice. As many of you are saying, I don't think there's much more I can do. I'll give it some more time and hope things change. But if not, looks like I've got some hard decisions to make. Thanks again everyone.
Quote from: Confused_Katie on September 25, 2013, 10:52:52 PM
Thanks everyone for the advice. As many of you are saying, I don't think there's much more I can do. I'll give it some more time and hope things change. But if not, looks like I've got some hard decisions to make. Thanks again everyone.
Sounds like the case CK. Best to you.
--Jay