Long story short, today has been all but great. I was looking around class at mannerisms, bone structures, appearances of various women in my college class today, and I came to a few saddening conclusions (that, or it's my rational side trying to get me to quit this by depressing me to death). Firstly, the fear of attempting to transition and looking horrible is fairly high up there. Secondly, I started thinking about the actions of many of the cis women, and most carry themselves so gracefully. They know their body is capable of producing the miracle of life, harbouring it, and nurturing it after birth, and even if I did transfer, I'd still be a second-class and be unable to live up to that. I can try to look the part all I want to by throwing money at surgeons, laser technicians, and hormone doctors, but it would only be cosmetic. My body wouldn't be able to function as a woman. Maybe I"m overthinking and I should accept it isn't possible, but by that argument, if it were possible, couldn't I just accept the fact I"m a man as well?
Today was one of those days that both sides of me were hitting the peak of their fights and I just wanted to run into a soundproof room and scream for hours on end in frustration. One half of me (the rational) points out all the con's, negatives, and how much of an idiot and freak I am, and that I should accept my life as it is before I lose what I've worked so hard for while the other just throws a fit at the idea of not transitioning. It's like if I transition, one side goes nuts, but if I don't, I keep putting up with the other. Ugh. I'm frustrated, I'm confused, and to top it off, I don't even think I'm worthy to be a woman if I'd manage to pass as one to begin with. I've got so much going for me, it's so stupid to ignore it all to put so much wasted energy into this of all things. Why me? It's like someone saw my life starting to pull itself together and said, "You know what, let's put his life on super hard-suckage mode!" Well guess what? It worked. I hate every second of this. Either help me be happy as a man, or let me wake up as a woman to this all being one bad dream. :embarrassed: I was even too embarrassed to put this on IRC because I figured it sounded too whiny. Even if this goes unread, I'll at least feel a little better knowing I put it somewhere other than letting it brew endlessly in my head. To top that off, I'm not even completely sure I"m trans to begin with. I assume since this is such a big problem to begin with, that kinda proves the truth as is, since I can't think of any circumstance a cis individual who's confident in their gender would run into any of this.
I suppose I 'feel' like I'm not sure so I can silently keep hope that I may be able to forget about all of this and pass it off as a really weird phase. *sigh*, I suppose I'll pack up my things to be poked, prodded, and have popcorn thrown at me in the circus. Heh, I've still got dark humor, so at least that's a thing. Bah, today's sucked. :(
Well, it may have been a bad day up until now, but it's winding down with hugs from Devlyn!
I can say, from my own experience, that as I transitioned and allowed my female "self" to come out (easier after HRT began), I pretty much stopped presenting as a guy.
We're talking about speech (rhythm and cadence, etc...not so much pitch and resonance, that comes later with practice), walking (I don't sashay, but definitely don't clump about anymore), sitting (no open-legged "I have big unit!"), eating (very graceful, no shove-it-in-the-mouf), looking at things (the tilt of the head is very natural; as a guy I'd look RIGHT AT whatever caught my attention), and many more.
You're right, bone structure doesn't change. But, there are a LOT of big-shouldered/small hipped women (often they are athletes, swimming and WNBA comes to mind).
Free tip: Do NOT compare yourself to cis-women. Childbirth ain't gonna happen, so don't fret about that. Cis-women have had a LIFETIME to get where they are, you most likely won't do it in just a few months. Gotta work on it, always, and strive to get better.
You will make it someday. Most of us do.
I'm a guy, but I have lived the 'girl' life for (too) many years, and couldn't help but to comment to this:
QuoteThey know their body is capable of producing the miracle of life, harbouring it, and nurturing it after birth
I don't think this is true. Not for all women, at least. The fact that fertility clinics usually have their hands full says enough. Granted, that could be because there is a problem with the male instead of the female, but you catch my drift. A lady can not just assume she can carry a child. There are plenty of infertile women. Does that make them any less of a woman? Definately not.
You may have to rethink what your definition of a woman is. Is it their genetic make up? The way they look? The fact they can give birth? What's in their hearts or how they behave? I'm sure that has been discussed for many topics here, so it may be worth your while to use the search function.
You are right about the years of being conditioned female. But that doesn't make it impossible for you to learn that as well. See it as them having a head start, nothing more. You'll get there.
Okay, hon, calm down.
I'm gonna just address this in bits and pieces because you've got a lot in there.
So, let's just talk about the 'miracle of life' bit. A lot and by that I do mean a lot of women can't have children. Hysterectomies, PCOS, crappy hormonal balance, etc make many women face the reality that they will never be able to carry a child to term. Yes, it sucks. A lot. Not all but most trans women I've known go through this at one time or the other. It's just a fact of life. Eventually, you make peace with it. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that it's an easy process but it *does* get better with time. That said, I don't know what your preference for partners is but there are some options to have a child that is yours and if not, adoption is something that will likely be much more open in the next few years. Raising a new person to be their best doesn't necessarily involve nine months of awful side-effects and sore backs and then a labor so painful that your body literally forgets it happened afterward.
Okay, next up is the self-acceptance of your body and self bit. You are who you are and only you can decide on who that is. Transition isn't for everyone. Most advice tends to go along the lines of "If it's transition or death, go with transition. Otherwise, take a good stock of things, talk to a GID counselor for a while, and make your decision after careful and considerate deliberation." I'm not saying to talk to anyone else about that decision. I'm just saying that transition is what it is and it's not easy.
If you realize that your core is that of a woman and you do decide to transition, you'll find that you will grow into yourself with time. Not every woman is graceful. I know more than a few that are lumbering blockish types that look ready to play football rather than dance a ballet. If you find that you want to be graceful, you will be. If you find that you want to be elegant, you will be so long as you decide that you want to present that to the world. The external is a representation of the internal and no manner of trying to cover that up will work. Everyone reacts to the person they see inside the actions, not the actions themselves.
That said, I'm going to echo the sentiments of the others here. The first bit will have you very awkwardly growing into your new life and missteps, mistakes, and little happenstances that you'll find really funny in an embarrassing way later on will happen. We've all been there. Trying to figure out how to live genuinely as yourself doesn't mean that you'll hit your stride first try *but* eventually, you'll get the hang of being yourself and the world will accept you as that.
To tarry into the personal, I'm 5'10" to 6' flat, depending on the day, 200lbs of mostly muscle, and have the chest width of a pro football player. My shoulders stick out about 3" over my hips on either side and I've got some brow and the like going on. Yes, I know every single little thing that separates me from the anatomical average *but* I've mostly stopped caring. I can pop on a t-shirt, pants, and shoes with no makeup and get not a stare in the world. No one looks at me and thinks "wow, that's totally a dude with boobs! ew!" I tend to think that this is mostly because I'm just who I am and, so long as I don't obsess over what I'm not (a cis GG or a dude) people just react to what they perceive and, that just so happens to be me.
I know this is scary. I know it's weird and, especially early on, you can't help but to compare yourself to everyone and everything around you. If this is your path though, I can say that it gets a lot better if you open yourself up to accepting what is instead of wishing for what isn't or denying yourself out of fear.
Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on September 26, 2013, 09:58:26 AM
Okay, hon, calm down.
I'm gonna just address this in bits and pieces because you've got a lot in there.
So, let's just talk about the 'miracle of life' bit. A lot and by that I do mean a lot of women can't have children. Hysterectomies, PCOS, crappy hormonal balance, etc make many women face the reality that they will never be able to carry a child to term. Yes, it sucks. A lot. Not all but most trans women I've known go through this at one time or the other. It's just a fact of life. Eventually, you make peace with it. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that it's an easy process but it *does* get better with time. That said, I don't know what your preference for partners is but there are some options to have a child that is yours and if not, adoption is something that will likely be much more open in the next few years. Raising a new person to be their best doesn't necessarily involve nine months of awful side-effects and sore backs and then a labor so painful that your body literally forgets it happened afterward.
Okay, next up is the self-acceptance of your body and self bit. You are who you are and only you can decide on who that is. Transition isn't for everyone. Most advice tends to go along the lines of "If it's transition or death, go with transition. Otherwise, take a good stock of things, talk to a GID counselor for a while, and make your decision after careful and considerate deliberation." I'm not saying to talk to anyone else about that decision. I'm just saying that transition is what it is and it's not easy.
If you realize that your core is that of a woman and you do decide to transition, you'll find that you will grow into yourself with time. Not every woman is graceful. I know more than a few that are lumbering blockish types that look ready to play football rather than dance a ballet. If you find that you want to be graceful, you will be. If you find that you want to be elegant, you will be so long as you decide that you want to present that to the world. The external is a representation of the internal and no manner of trying to cover that up will work. Everyone reacts to the person they see inside the actions, not the actions themselves.
That said, I'm going to echo the sentiments of the others here. The first bit will have you very awkwardly growing into your new life and missteps, mistakes, and little happenstances that you'll find really funny in an embarrassing way later on will happen. We've all been there. Trying to figure out how to live genuinely as yourself doesn't mean that you'll hit your stride first try *but* eventually, you'll get the hang of being yourself and the world will accept you as that.
To tarry into the personal, I'm 5'10" to 6' flat, depending on the day, 200lbs of mostly muscle, and have the chest width of a pro football player. My shoulders stick out about 3" over my hips on either side and I've got some brow and the like going on. Yes, I know every single little thing that separates me from the anatomical average *but* I've mostly stopped caring. I can pop on a t-shirt, pants, and shoes with no makeup and get not a stare in the world. No one looks at me and thinks "wow, that's totally a dude with boobs! ew!" I tend to think that this is mostly because I'm just who I am and, so long as I don't obsess over what I'm not (a cis GG or a dude) people just react to what they perceive and, that just so happens to be me.
I know this is scary. I know it's weird and, especially early on, you can't help but to compare yourself to everyone and everything around you. If this is your path though, I can say that it gets a lot better if you open yourself up to accepting what is instead of wishing for what isn't or denying yourself out of fear.
Thank you for that. I dunno, I'm just a little freaked out. I know it's not a fair statement to try to say no female reproduction, therefore no female, but it's just one of those things. The more I look into myself, the more I'm either fabricating to play this role or the more of me I may have been repressing, I'm not sure yet. It's one of those things that I'm still working through. I've got an internal yearning not just to look like a woman, but to be one. I look at myself and compare to what I do currently and there's so much that doesn't quite fit. I'm not sure if that's who I am or if that's how I present because that's what I'm supposed to do.
I've got no idea what the future holds and while I won't be able to get in touch with a counsellor for another year or so (I'm not doing squat until I can support myself independently of parents or I may never be able to), and I'm not even sure if transition will bring me happiness. Recently I've been quantifying my happiness as a number and considering pain/depression a negative number. Some days, these days, I'll average out a -3 or -4, some days I'll get by as a 4-5 (10 being amazing). The way I see it, once I start transition, my days will probably be -7 or -8 and that's quite a bit of pain and frustration, but when it gets down to it, will I get back in the green by the end? In the past, whenever I imagined the future, I always imagined myself standing and looking at the accomplishment from a first-person view. I didn't see my appearance or my sex at all. I suppose that means the goals could be accomplished either way, but how can one guess happiness? I know transition will be turmoil, but will it be ok in the end?
It feels so irrational to be considering taking such a huge decision of mere emotions. I don't know why they are there or for what reason, but I want them gone. My decisions are usually based on what is rationally best for me in a quantifiable result. What if this driving force of emotion goes away and it was all for naught? Is it even right to make life decisions based on something as small as personal happiness? I know people make choices in favor of their happiness all the time, but does that make it right?
You've got a lot to wade through. I'd recommend taking it very slowly but reading what you can and taking things day by day. The internal desire that you're talking about is well known to everyone here and everyone has their own way of approaching it.
Given that you're quantifying everything, I kinda understand you a bit more. That kind of quantification comes from a place where you want to really know exactly what's going on. It's a way to control your situation through knowledge. I'd say it's probably a bit of a waste of time, honestly. A lot of us tend to get very in our heads pre-transition. It's a defense mechanism and probably the most common dissociative trait that I know of that trans women share.
So, given that you've got some time before you want to make any kind of moves, here's my advice: stop freaking out about things.
If you're sure that your parents won't support your decision to transition, so be it. I can say that a TON of my anxiety went bye bye the second that the T was leached from my system (all hail the great god Spiro) so, if there's a chance that they'll understand and you can start to see a therapist/etc. sooner, all the better. Given that you're not in a place to do that just yet, my heartfelt advice is to find ways to relax and think things through while improving the quality of your day to day experience.
First off: go take walks... alone... outside, preferably in the woods or somewhere that you can just get in touch with yourself without the pressures of everyone and everything around you. Having people around makes us play a role and, right now, you need to probably stop that so you can figure out who you are outside that role that you play.
Next up: meditation. Really. I'm not kidding. I've got a brain that loves to over quantify, over control, and over think. That need it has for doing its thing and thus, over stimulation is a seeeerious problem when it comes to emotional work. Find an app (tons for free on android and quite a few cheapies on Apple App store) or just pop open spotify and find meditation music and really work on working your way into a calm, quiet space. That'll probably improve the quality of your day to day existence a lot right there.
Avoid caffeine. On too much T for a particular brain, that crud makes you want to kill puppies for no given reason.
Lastly, read about other trans peeps. My default recommendation for everyone starting their journey is Julia Serano's 'Whipping Girl' and pretty much the whole body of Jennifer Boylan's writings. Read in whatever order you wish but, really, do read them. They were of tremendous help to me early on and I still read them often.
Don't panic. <3
I've had my surgery over 10 years ago now. I've been living a girls life for 12 years. Still a 22 year old hottie can bug me. Not because I feel uncomfortable, but because of some small innate jealous, like I wish I was already transitioned at 22, or a born female, or blah blah blah. You can insert any other comment we all make. It still doesn't stop my will to live and live a happy fufilling life.
I've had a few female friends over the years that I've told and I always get the old "you don't have periods, so you will never know", "you never had a kid". Of course I could be a horses behind and come back with an equal number of snappy comebacks, but it's good for my skill of feminine grace :)
I let those rational thoughts hold me back for way, way too many years. Now, even though I have yet to start HRT, just *accepting* that I am, and have always been, female inside (my soul, my mind, the bits of me that are *me*) has changed my mannerisms greatly. I truly believe that we are part of a very small subset of humans who really can ever know what a relief it is to *not* worry about keeping our wrists straight when it is more natural to relax them (or maybe it's just those of us who chose/had to *work* at being accepted as a male all our lives) or do *anything* that might make us appear to be effeminate. An interesting thing that I've discovered is that I have been observing these differences all my life, mostly to avoid doing them. Now that I've accepted this about myself, it's just a matter of catching myself avoiding such behavior and permitting myself to indulge.
You *have* had all your life to learn these things, just not to practice them. If the road to becoming a woman is for you, you will get there. It's not an easy path... but I've learned (largely from the women here) that it is one that is *possible*.
And, really, once you accept yourself, I really believe you'll be surprised at how few the people are who would treat you like a circus animal.
*hug*
I am 51 and on HRT 4 months. I am receiving medications that have significantly improved my quality of life. I am truly happy, in touch with my emotions and people are becoming attracted to my changed personality ( I smile, I listen and do not compete for attention and I care about my co-workers).
Cloths, make-up, coming out fully at work and RLE are a work in progress. Here is my recent realization. I have two identities. One is female and who I identify with but is stunted. The other is what others expect and had developed and is not how I identify internally. I want to be internally developed and present how I see myself. I expect most people will be fine after they have time to process and I will have stronger interpersonal relationships.
From Wikipedia: Perfect Is The Enemy Of Good.
The perfect is the enemy of the good is an aphorism or proverb meaning that insisting on perfection often results in no improvement at all. The phrase is commonly attributed to Voltaire whose moral poem, La Bégueule, starts[1]
" Dans ses écrits, un sage Italien
Dit que le mieux est l'ennemi du bien.
(In his writings, a wise Italian
says that the best is the enemy of the good) "
Aristotle, Confucius and other classical philosophers propounded the principle of the golden mean which counsels against extremism in general.[2] The Pareto principle or 80–20 rule explains this numerically. For example, it commonly takes 20% of the full time to complete 80% of a task while to complete the last 20% of a task takes 80% of the effort.[3] Achieving absolute perfection may be impossible and so, as increasing effort results in diminishing returns, further activity becomes increasingly inefficient. Watson-Watt, who developed early warning radar in Britain to counter the rapid growth of the Luftwaffe, propounded a "cult of the imperfect," which he stated as "Give them the third best to go on with; the second best comes too late, the best never comes."[4] George Stigler is attributed[5] for the adage "If you never miss a plane, you're spending too much time at the airport."
First, as a retired paramedic you need to slow way down and use your nervous energy to research and learn, otherwise you are going to have a cardiac, stroke or breakdown before you can get very far. Second, take a good look at the risk verses reward for your particular situation. Don't rush, because what might happen can't be reversed (not easily anyway). Third, as my field training officer once said (OK, every day) free your mind and your tushy will follow. Don't let outside interference determine YOU'RE future or happiness. Only you can do that. Make no mistake, there will be a price to pay of some kind and only you can decide if you should and can pay it. Finally, you ARE NOT a freak! No more talk like that. Working the streets for 28 years led me to this conclusion...Everyone is a freak of some kind.
P.S. Victoria, you rock girlfriend! WOW! You calmed me down and I have already come to peace and terms with my transition initiation. I wish you were my councilor. You other girls really have a good grasp on the subject and I love your attitudes and openness. Good job!