Hey all, been a long time since I posted... but I didn't had much to post the past couple of months.
So... long story short (I hope I can write it short), I've met a great friend three weeks ago through the Internet. I had felt some sort of a connection for him right away. We have so much in common, both in personality and interests.
I had told him very soon I am transgendered and he was fully accepting of it. He didn't treat me any different and kept calling me as boy which I really appreciate. Eventually I was starting to realize that I... might have a crush on him, which I totally did not expect of myself because I never was interested before in all this love stuff. I had told him about my confused feelings but I am not hundred percent certain if it is a crush yet, but it's... something. There just is some sort of magnetic pull, and as I am kinda spiritual-minded, I sort of feel that from the soul, if that makes sense. Anyway, he does has some feelings for me too, but we both agreed for now to just get to know each other as friends for a while first before making any rash decisions, such as possibly getting in a relationship. We know each other for only three weeks after all.
I've been talking quite a bit about me being transgendered to him and what it is like for me (along with many other subjects, of course). At the same time, I kind of want to avoid to talk about it in fear of overburdening him yet I feel tempted to talk about it. Now my main concern is that I just can't figure out for myself how much I should talk about it. I always worry I talk too much about the subject while at other times I think I have to speak more about it. Can anyone possibly give me any advice on that?
Also a question on behalf of my friend, he wants to know what would be a good way to tell others about my situation. Thus, telling others who he knows that I'm transgendered. Well, yesterday night he told me he had talked about me to someone else, but had referred me to as a girl which was quite surprising for me. I wasn't expecting that at all, and I had reacted quite stupidly on it because I panicked. I explained that I would like to be referred to as boy instead and I understood his concern, though my wording sounded way too harsh. I had apologized for that and it's all right now, though. But how he would explain the situation to others I didn't had a good answer for either. It's something I had never really thought about before. When I explain it to others, it goes very easy and flows right out. But for him... it's not as easy as it is for me. So, what would be a good way for a cisgender person to explain about his friend being transgendered?
Hope anyone can help on these two questions. Thanks in advance!
-Kent
Hi Kent, do you know his sexual orientation? If he's straight (or not out as gay/bi) and thinking about dating you, it may have seemed easier for him to identify you to others as female.
He identified himself as straight awhile ago but when I got to know him he had slowly been identifying himself as bisexual instead. But yeah maybe it's because of that he did that. It would make sense actually now I think of it. I'll go ask him when he's online.
Edit: Confirmed, it was indeed because of that and I understand it a lot better now.
Hope this is not taken the wrong way, but, has your contact been entirely remote ie just the internet?
I only say, because two people meeting online and having only been together online, well being TG or not being TG, you are not free from the truth of the internet. You won't know if you have anything at all, until you actually meet for real.
My advice, stop agonizing over things that might simply not matter. Until you meet, you really do NOT know if there is any magic of any kind.
And thus, being TG might be quite immaterial.
I've experienced online relationships, and I have witnessed online relationships, and the numbers are against you regardless of what so of person you are.
Being TG has made your life a big enough challenge as it goes, but even people without any complications in their lives don't get any perks with online relationships.
Yep only through the internet.
Yeah you do have a good point there. We do plan to meet up sometime though, since we don't live too far away from each other.
Thanks for your comment. I'll keep it in mind.
It's been my habit, when talking about dating (anyone dating), that until you have seen the person's home, you don't know the person.
Because on a date, we are doing our best to be likely better than we really are for the most part.
Until you've actually lived with a person a few months, you also really don't know how they really live their life.
I am not advocating sex here, I am advocating observation of the person under ordinary circumstances. Because the minute the word 'relationship' has any use, you want to actually know as much about the person, as you would expect to know about a new computer or a car or a house.
People rarely check out a person with any sort of logical dedication, and then we wonder why we end up in such regrettable situations.
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on October 02, 2013, 02:41:07 PMUntil you've actually lived with a person a few months, you also really don't know how they really live their life.
Seconded. I ruined a perfectly good friendship once by becoming roommates with the guy. He turned out to be such a slob that he thought I was overreacting when I got mad at his letting the dirty dishes pile up in the sink so long that mice started crapping all over them.
But that's neither here nor there. ;P
(If you want to talk about online relationships, you can PM me if you want advice or someone to talk to, Kent. I've been doing online/long-distance for going on 5 years now, and we'll be celebrating our second wedding anniversary in December. I've been around the block a little with this stuff!)
As for the topic at hand, I'd say to talk about it however often you need to. If he's truly your friend, he'll let you do that, and if he's especially truly your friend, he'll be constructive when he gets sick of it instead of tune you out or shut you down, lol. And about him telling other people about you? I would personally prefer it if he stuck to generalities and 101 information, but that's just me, and I think that would be playing it pretty reasonably safe.
Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on October 02, 2013, 02:41:07 PM
It's been my habit, when talking about dating (anyone dating), that until you have seen the person's home, you don't know the person.
Because on a date, we are doing our best to be likely better than we really are for the most part.
Until you've actually lived with a person a few months, you also really don't know how they really live their life.
I am not advocating sex here, I am advocating observation of the person under ordinary circumstances. Because the minute the word 'relationship' has any use, you want to actually know as much about the person, as you would expect to know about a new computer or a car or a house.
People rarely check out a person with any sort of logical dedication, and then we wonder why we end up in such regrettable situations.
Yeah, I understand what you mean. I just really hope we can meet up as soon as possible. In order to do that I would have to explain to my parents about the situation, because I can't quite travel by myself yet. Out of all I think my biological dad I see once in the two weeks would be accepting of it and possibly bring me there, because he allowed me against my expectations to meet up with another friend of mine too in three weeks. Just have to gather my courage to tell it.
Quote from: Lo on October 02, 2013, 03:21:20 PM
Seconded. I ruined a perfectly good friendship once by becoming roommates with the guy. He turned out to be such a slob that he thought I was overreacting when I got mad at his letting the dirty dishes pile up in the sink so long that mice started crapping all over them.
But that's neither here nor there. ;P
(If you want to talk about online relationships, you can PM me if you want advice or someone to talk to, Kent. I've been doing online/long-distance for going on 5 years now, and we'll be celebrating our second wedding anniversary in December. I've been around the block a little with this stuff!)
As for the topic at hand, I'd say to talk about it however often you need to. If he's truly your friend, he'll let you do that, and if he's especially truly your friend, he'll be constructive when he gets sick of it instead of tune you out or shut you down, lol. And about him telling other people about you? I would personally prefer it if he stuck to generalities and 101 information, but that's just me, and I think that would be playing it pretty reasonably safe.
Hey thanks a lot. I've sent a PM to your way. :]
Ah yeah that's true. Looking back I think I just worried way too much about it.
I don't really get what you mean with the last sentence, though. Sorry. Could you maybe explain what you meant with it?
my online friends who know i'm tg refer to me as a guy. only one had some problems wrapping his head around it, but that was a personal problem of his, and didn't really affect how he referred to me. those friends would also shut out anyone who tried to refer to me as a woman in spaces where i am a guy. my online presence is generally such that when i tell people i'm tg, the first they think is that i'm mtf. i find that a little amusing...
i don't talk about being transgendered, other than mention it if i think that will help me get closer to (or quit, depending on their reaction) some friends. there are only two guys i feel understand me well enough that i'm comfortable talking about several aspects of my life with them. this results in me complaining about stupid situations that would be easier if i weren't tg, rather than explaining or exploring yet again what it feels like to be tg. i let tg be a natural part of me, and expect a close friend to be intelligent enough to realize that some weirdness in the way i dress or act or talk or what parts of life i feel like complaining about, are partly a consequence of this.
it's a bit like how this gay friend of mine doesn't talk all that much about being gay. we already both know he is, so instead we talk about boyfriends or the lack thereof.
maybe what i mean is that you should avoid explaining yourself. just talk about yourself instead, and your stories will tell most there is to know about being tg, because there are some stories that you can only tell to people who know you're tg.
sorry if i failed to make sense, i feel like i'm not connecting my thoughts too well right now.
Ah don't worry, you did make sense to me.
And maybe you are right there. I'm quite unsure if he feels comfortable when I'm talking about being transgendered, and I also have a few other friends who don't mind if I talk about it. I feel often I am overburdening him and I don't want to bother him with my own problems too much.
When I tell people I'm transgendered I also often have to explain well which way around it is. I also learned that when telling it I have to keep it short and simple in the beginning, because the first time when I told someone about it through the Internet I had sent an awfully long message. That only had worked negative which had eventually resulted in the end of the friendship.
Thanks for sharing your experiences on it.
Just a quick update.
Yesterday I've told my parents about this all. I first told it to my biological dad, and he strongly suggested to tell it to my mom and stepdad asap so I did that. Everyone was very understanding and they reacted better than I imagined. My biggest fear was that my mom and stepdad would... view me as the wrong gender so to say, that they'd view me as heterosexual. But I explained to them I don't want to be seen as that, that I am a guy. So all three my parents are being very supportive and on 20 October I get to meet my friend IRL with my dad. So that's great and I'm really looking forward to it (though also am quite nervous).
Hi my new baby brother! As a member of this family I am your new sister and as such I just want you to be careful, OK. As Leslie Roberta said, you don't know this guy yet. Stop worrying about the things you mentioned and keep your eyes open. People usually do not tell the truth a lot online. I would hate to see my brother hurt. Stay vigilant. Love you!
be careful, but not suspicious. there are many good guys on the internet as well, so the meeting could turn out really good too.
Thanks for the concern all, I appreciate it.
I always keep it in the back of my head, but my father will be with me so it should be all right. I'll just be going there open-minded, having no expectations or something.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 07, 2013, 02:40:40 AM
Hi my new baby brother! As a member of this family I am your new sister and as such I just want you to be careful, OK. As Leslie Roberta said, you don't know this guy yet. Stop worrying about the things you mentioned and keep your eyes open. People usually do not tell the truth a lot online. I would hate to see my brother hurt. Stay vigilant. Love you!
Nah, this is a big myth. People you meet online are no more dangers than people you'd meet anywhere else. Exercise the same caution as you would with meeting any sort of stranger.
Quote from: Lo on October 07, 2013, 12:34:07 PM
Nah, this is a big myth. People you meet online are no more dangers than people you'd meet anywhere else. Exercise the same caution as you would with meeting any sort of stranger.
To be honest I actually began to think so too. People you'd meet in real life could also have bad intentions. It's only when you meet someone from the Internet in real life for the first time only it would be best to have someone with you, but afterwards it doesn't need more special caution than being befriended with someone you met in real, right?
it would be best to never go outside your house alone, if you think that way. it's usually safe to meet just about anyone in a public space at a time of day when it is fairly crowded. whether you met them on the internet or not. going out alone in the dark is much more dangerous than meeting an online friend alone in a safe space.
Thanks for the advice. :] Yeah I actually kinda thought so too, and my mom's saying those kind of stuff to me a lot to warn me too.
My thoughts exactly- be cautious but not paranoid.
One important thing to remember is we tend to 'fill in the blanks' with our ideals when we chat online. Meeting is very important and taking things slow and chill. A friend of mine convinced herself she was serious about a guy she met online and they booked a holiday together for a long weekend for their first meet. One day in and they climbing the walls to get out.lol.
But yes, keep it public- make sure someone knows where your going and has his phone number. Dont rush in.. take your time to decide if there are sparks or if your going to be friends... but ultimately - relax and have fun. One of the great things about being out as transgender to someone is you can really be yourself, and thats the number one tip, right?
Keep us posted.
Yep, we also do our best not to rush things too much. We will know much better if there would be anything between us or only just as friends when we meet, or perhaps we will know after we met a couple of times. We also are going to take a small step back on writing each other, because we wrote so much the past weeks to each other that we both began to notice we're running out of conversation subjects and the joyful feeling from the beginning faded slightly, so we're now going to write to each other once in the two days. So after a day of talking then we will have day without writing to each other, and so on.
And when we meet, we also just will build up very slowly how often we will see each other and for how long. Like on the 20th I will only be there for a few hours, I believe, and after a few weeks if all goes well we'll see each other again for a few hours. So just taking things slow and easy and so we can have enough time to decide whether there truly is something or not.
I'm glad I had came out early to him as transgender, because if I would had waited longer it surely would had been a lot more difficult to tell. But I really felt a strong upcoming bond between us very early already and felt like I shouldn't wait too long telling it, so I had told it like... 3 days after we spoke for the first time, I believe, and he handles it greatly in my opinion.
Thanks for your comment, and I shall!
Just letting you all know that the meeting is going to be shoved to the next week, because my grandmother of my father's side passed away this morning.
My mom and stepdad had offered to bring me instead, but I'm way too afraid they won't bother trying to call me by my desired name and pronouns and I'd feel very uneasy then. And they don't really want to go themselves anyway.
It's really unfortunate this happened at this time, although it is better this way for my grandmother because she long wanted to pass away.
I had been really looking forward to meeting my friend and now I have to wait again. Thursday I was also supposed to go to the gender clinic which didn't got to happen. I really hate all this waiting. I thought this week would be a great week with two things to look forward to and it went completely downhill.