I went girly shopping the other day with one of my friends who has turned out to be incredibly supportive, and this change in me has made us closer. I got my first bra and a nice top and slip to wear on a night out with the LGBT society at my old University. I got dolled up, did my hair and makeup and I felt okay about myself. Looking in the mirror as a boy has become somewhat a chore. I now look to see if I look feminine at all. Which is odd. I always used to hate being androgynous looking. Now I guess I like it.
I had an amazing night out. We had the LGBT taster where we all introduced ourselves and did some bonding exercises, I was slightly self conscious of the fact I now had boobs and was still muscly/broad but I got into it after a while. I introduced myself under my girl name. Keira. :) It really seems to fit me and everyone was calling me by it. I felt so nice.
Long and short of it I had an amazing night, I had a small victory when one of the girls I met took it upon herself to be my toilet buddy, every time we needed the loo we would go together because I was too self conscious to go alone. Even when I bumped into some of my manly male friends who don't know about this new side of me, I was confident and just went and sat with them as Keira. I walked home at 3am smiling in the rain. I felt good.
The next day I had my first phone appointment with a GP. He told me basically I need therapy and he can't refer me to a specialist because its been so sudden so I felt terrible, like some sort of fraud, maybe I'm not trans because it all happened so quickly. And then to top those ->-bleeped-<-ty feelings off I had a manly day the next day. When Keira seemed a distant memory and Paul (real name) was to the fore.
I'm even more confused now. Am I trans? Or am I Bi-gender? Am I just faking it?
I guess I'm just confused. I don't know if anyone will read or respond to this. But after feeling so good as Keira and then having the GP make me feel ->-bleeped-<-ty about myself I guess I am just looking for any sort of comfort from people who might understand.
It sounds to me like you need to explore Keira more. is she a basic fundamental need for you or just a wonderful experience that you would love to repeat.
Don't worry about the gender labels too much right now (or ever for that matter).
You are you, I WOULD say that it does not sound like you are faking anything, but that doesn't mean either of those other categories fit perfectly either.
Are you completely comfortable being Paul or is that just the habits of a lifetime speaking?
Confusion is good, it allows us to question things that we might otherwise take for granted.
Allie
A trans friend of mine always tells me "take baby steps". She knows I'm anxious to get this started, but also that it's not going to happen over night. I've waited this long... I guess a few more years won't kill me... :-\
So take your time...
Hey Keira,
Do you think maybe your doctor has a point about seeing a therapist to explore these thoughts? Confusion isn't a bad thing, we all get confused in life, but this a big change. If you feel a little conflicted and uncertain, wouldn't you feel better about exploring it? There is no shame in feeling this way because many do and are still trans. What's important is that you clear up this confusion and feel confident that you are making the right decision, whatever that may be. I'm wishing you the best.
Quote from: learningtolive on October 03, 2013, 11:57:51 AM
Hey Keira,
Do you think maybe your doctor has a point about seeing a therapist to explore these thoughts? Confusion isn't a bad thing, we all get confused in life, but this a big change. If you feel a little conflicted and uncertain, wouldn't you feel better about exploring it? There is no shame in feeling this way because many do and are still trans. What's important is that you clear up this confusion and feel confident that you are making the right decision, whatever that may be. I'm wishing you the best.
I am just going to say ditto to this post. It is such great advice.
Izzy
Hey everyone, thanks for the kind words of support. Really needing them right now.
I know he has a point but hes referred me to a run of the mill counsellor. I wasn't going to see the gender specialist to start treatment, I just wanted someone who had a vague grasp on what I'm going through to talk to I guess. I didn't want to make a massive step, just talk to someone who deals with this sort of thing, someone who could possibly help me with working through my thoughts and feelings.
I am a trained counsellor, so I know all the tricks in the book, and those I've been to see previously have had nothing to offer me.
I guess it could be useful but I am still feeling down about it.