I have been "out" this entire year of 2013 and that started before beginning HRT last March. I thought I had worked through to a confidence level about being misgendered but I continue to learn how fluid transition is. I fully expected to be misgendered as I had little experience presenting feminine and had all the primary and secondary characteristics that can trigger that nearly automatic gender identification people make. I expected to give myself and the world mucho slack and consider it an educational process.
Transitioning at my senior age I had no illusions about passing and really didn't care too much. I was and am so happy about being free and liberated from my self imposed shackles.
Now I tire of the misgendering and recognize how hurtful it is to so many of us. I know we can identify gender with some automaticity but I continue to hope and work toward slowing it down and asking people to take a second look and recognize the complexities and diversity all around them. Specifically, it seems some people must be willfully ignorant to blindly ignore the fact we are clearly presenting very feminine. I wear skirts and dresses most of the time. What motivates some is clearly their lack of acceptance and for others an honest mistake.
As a non binary, at this point and that may change, I accept my androgynous appearance and still like the idea of pushing the envelop for a wide range of presentations. Currently feeling like a teenage girl and reading about the experience of others it seems I may, in time, identify as a woman.
As transitioning progresses I want to continue armoring myself for sometimes cruel and casual misgendering. It is not that the stranger on the street or store clerk will have the power to wreck my day, more the straw by straw weight we bear. Some of you keep positive affirmations on your profile. "those that judge don't matter and those that matter don't judge" is one fav.
How do we apply a steely make up as we prepare for a day in real life? What do you rehearse or tell yourself to work through the annoyance and worse? Please share your witticisms, quips, retorts and sober reflections and thank you!
Oh Miss Bungle i hope you can join Portia and take a ride on that metaphorical bike to a far better place. I still think you have so much to offer and so much to yet feel.
It is hard, it is troubling and you are feeling down but please recognize it's temporary and bright days are around the corner?
Big warm hugs!
If you are trying your level best to present as a female and someone is deliberately treating you as a male, they are being RUDE. They are either nasty souls or ignorant.
I'd treat them as the latter, and make an effort to educate them. First assume it's a mistake (unless it obviously isn't) and politely correct them. "Oh, you're mistaken. I'm a woman. My name is Tessa..."
If it becomes clear it's deliberate, I would still try to educate them.
(Prepare for a cascade of post replies about how people like that can't be educated. I don't agree. Of course they'll never be educated if we don't try, and if trans folks don't educate people, no one will.)
"Don't you think it's impolite to treat a woman as if she is a man?"
"If someone clearly wants to be treated as a woman, isn't it unkind to do otherwise?"
"If someone treated you like a <whatever is the opposite of what they are>, how would it feel to you? Well that's how I feel."
or
"Treating someone unkindly will not get them to change gender. It will only make them feel bad."
The key is to get them realizing that we're human beings and that we are entitled to the same decency as everyone else.
Of course if they're just nasty sorts, you're better off walking away. No witticisms or quips will touch them. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Suzi I appreciate your attitude about education and those very thoughtful replies that may just help someone think a bit deeper.
Yes, who could be better at educating people about us?
Thank you
Over the years if that would happen i just did the "Excuse Me" and left it at that. I would never do anything other then that, it is not worth the effort. Most will make the adjustments. For me it only happend maybe 2 times my whole life and that was very early in my part time outtings.
Just try to let these things roll off your shoulders.
I am also of the senior age and feel there should be more respect just in that fact alone but you have to know respect is a dead art.
Hope things get better.
Izzy
Thanks Izzy, Things generally are just ducky here but a girl can have those low spots too.
Yes, doing some dance routines at home and adding a "shoulder roll" might improve my outlook and help shake off the evening doubts.
Heading out tonight for our little city "art walk" with a friend. Sniff some wine corks, act knowledgable, (i'm clueless about wine & art) and mingle with the flash mob.
Dear peeps of susans.org,
The only time I get misgendered now is by family members who refuse to see me for who I am today. Although I never see said family members there are times that I do in fact cross paths with them and feel like a knife is put into my heart because of their hatred. Likewise, if and when I ever get misgendered in the future I will politely tell the offender, like I have in the past, that I am a woman and calling me a man is only a sign of personal ignorance and that treating other people with utmost respect is something that should be extended to all people regardless of a status or identity evident or presented.
Warm blessings,
Jamie
Hi Jamie,
Congratulations for making so many successful moves and your willingness to help and support others. That family thing sounds way harsh and I just hope their hatred burns out soon.
Yes, after seeing your pics and hearing your voice I can understand that you have arrived! You have worked hard IMO and deserve your good fortune.
Thanks for sharing.
Hugs and blessings back at ya
It's pretty rare for me now a days.
I just say pardon?
I did have incident that I have posted. A guy at work just wasn't trying, I'm his boss so I took him to pieces in front of my staff. I told him that if he misgendered me again that I would cut his testicles off, dip one in silver and the other in gold and he could wear them as ear rings.
It embarrassed the hell out of him when everyone laughed.
He hasn't had a problem since.
We travel a lot by cab together to various meetings, he holds the door open for me and treats me with absolute respect!
Oh dang you Cindy! I just laughed so hard i scared the cat and she knocked over my computer screen.
Oh that is a great story with a perfect finish.
Thanks again! Still LMAO
Quote from: Tessa James on November 05, 2013, 01:18:21 AM
Oh dang you Cindy! I just laughed so hard i scared the cat and she knocked over my computer screen.
Oh that is a great story with a perfect finish.
Thanks again! Still LMAO
I'm glad to be of service!
I also have problems controlling my pussy :embarrassed:
Ha! Gold plated testicles as earrings? That jet conjures up waaaaaaay too many wrong images!
Quote from: Cindy on November 05, 2013, 01:06:46 AM
It's pretty rare for me now a days.
I just say pardon?
I did have incident that I have posted. A guy at work just wasn't trying, I'm his boss so I took him to pieces in front of my staff. I told him that if he misgendered me again that I would cut his testicles off, dip one in silver and the other in gold and he could wear them as ear rings.
It embarrassed the hell out of him when everyone laughed.
He hasn't had a problem since.
We travel a lot by cab together to various meetings, he holds the door open for me and treats me with absolute respect!
While I may not have used that tact, the general aggressiveness is probably how I would handle it. No strangers have misgendered me yet, but if they did (aside from the occasional a-duhhh moments), I'd probably jump their case in an "Excuse me? Who the hell are you talking to?" manner.
When you have confidence that you're female, nobody can really say anything. They may be able to talk about you behind your back but they wont be able to say it to your face.
My wife's divorce lawyer misgenders me every time we meet.
I always say "I'm a 'her'!" in an emphatic and angry tome, and she always makes a big show of apologizing.
Hopefully, soon I won't have much to do with the woman any more, but I'll say it really does irk me.
Quote from: suzifrommd on November 05, 2013, 08:38:40 AM
My wife's divorce lawyer misgenders me every time we meet.
I always say "I'm a 'her'!" in an emphatic and angry tome, and she always makes a big show of apologizing.
Hopefully, soon I won't have much to do with the woman any more, but I'll say it really does irk me.
Just call her sir or Mr. <insert last name here>
Quote from: suzifrommd on November 05, 2013, 08:38:40 AM
My wife's divorce lawyer misgenders me every time we meet.
I always say "I'm a 'her'!" in an emphatic and angry tome, and she always makes a big show of apologizing.
Hopefully, soon I won't have much to do with the woman any more, but I'll say it really does irk me.
Suzi that lawyer may be deliberately trying to get into your head as she clearly knows the issues you and your spouse have. <3 has one tit for tat option but it seems the lawyer gets to set the tone.
I often feel I am losing an argument if I lose my cool and get defensive. Is that what a divorce lawyer might want? You likely have skills from years in the classroom that help you smile and at least appear in command and unruffled. We can certainly applaud your final resolution with that adversarial person.
Let us know when we can uncork the champagne.
Quote from: <3 on November 05, 2013, 03:19:58 PM
Just call her sir or Mr. <insert last name here>
^ that
The smartest reply seems to do the same. If the person looks mike a man, tell him miss. If she looks like a woman call her sir.
The person could not protest then and you would be tie.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on November 05, 2013, 07:12:58 AM
While I may not have used that tact, the general aggressiveness is probably how I would handle it. No strangers have misgendered me yet, but if they did (aside from the occasional a-duhhh moments), I'd probably jump their case in an "Excuse me? Who the hell are you talking to?" manner.
When you have confidence that you're female, nobody can really say anything. They may be able to talk about you behind your back but they wont be able to say it to your face.
If you had confidence, would you really bother how people call you ?
And the "you do not dare telling it in front of me" sounds rather like a masculine logic.
Quote from: Sacha on November 12, 2013, 09:47:55 PM
If you had confidence, would you really bother how people call you ?
And the "you do not dare telling it in front of me" sounds rather like a masculine logic.
There's a difference between a common slip up and blatantly getting it wrong with the intention of disrespecting you.
And the masculine logic comment is just wrong. Calling people out and telling them that they're rude is common with women. It's not a gender specific thing, it's called confidence and standing up for yourself. Bowing your head and taking abuse is a sign of insecurity, not femininity.
I was misgendered once back in March (had only been full time 1 month).
I was with some cis gendered friends who accept me as a woman. Everything they know about trans ppl comes from me. :D
Well anyways, this person seemed to be rather deliberately misgendering me. So I was like, omg it's ok, I know you're trans too, but I'm a woman. She was shocked and in total denial and quite upset. All of my friends believed me and said would you like us to refer to you as a male? You were born the same way as Hailey so don't be a hypocrite!
When all was said and done, I was the last to leave and said...now you know how it feels.
She was in fact NOT trans :)
Nice way to turn the tables Hailey! I can imagine that would make a very strong impression on your friend. No doubt you let your assembled friends know that you were helping them feel what you experience and sort of corrected the record about her?
Congratulations on your good fortune and personal efforts to be accepted so readily. I am delighted to share your effort to be "out" and proud.
Thank you too for helping to educate others. Ignorance and fear are our biggest threats IMHO.
It was just a Starbucks, was a girl behind the counter.
But no, lol I never told them she wasn't actually trans, lol.
My bad >:-)
My friends think I have a trans radar built in because I'm a trans woman.
But no, I have no such radar at all.
I have never been back to that place since and have only had it happen once, thank goodness.
I did tell my friends however that most trans people are nice like me and really are no different than other people. The difference is we have a brain-body mismatch and let them know they very likely would have no clue if they met one in public or not.
They still have a very good, positive outlook on transgender people :)
Quote from: HelloKitty on November 13, 2013, 04:45:31 PM
It was just a Starbucks, was a girl behind the counter.
But no, lol I never told them she wasn't actually trans, lol.
My bad >:-)
My friends think I have a trans radar built in because I'm a trans woman.
But no, I have no such radar at all.
I have never been back to that place since and have only had it happen once, thank goodness.
I did tell my friends however that most trans people are nice like me and really are no different than other people. The difference is we have a brain-body mismatch and let them know they very likely would have no clue if they met one in public or not.
They still have a very good, positive outlook on transgender people :)
Oh you little devil Kitty! Thanks for explaining that situation.
I used to think I had gaydar but my remote sensors have really failed me. The looks I get from guys now is much harder to be sure of. Part of that is nice but I have learned not to trust "the look," a wink or the signals I used to better understand. Transition for me includes adjusting to a different set of interactions and responses from people. Remaining confident about who I am and unruffled seems to help.
You are so right about being clueless; with estimates of 40-80,000 postop transsexual people in the USA we really have no certainty about another's private history. No telling who has "been there and done that" and maybe it doesn't matter either?
Thanks for being a great ambassador for us. It's nice to think of you out there with such a positive influence.