I've been feeling really empty and apathetic lately. I have no energy, and what little I can muster is all spent on school. I recently got my first binder and a new haircut, so I should be feeling at least a little good. But nothing gets me excited or happy, I just feel 'meh' towards everything. It's like I can't feel things anymore. The only thing I feel is emptiness, and a lot of times, it hurts.
I'm at my parent's place this weekend with all 3 of my sisters for fall break, and situations where the whole family is together has always been a stressful time for me. My older sister knows about my gender issues, but doesn't really like to talk about it and her only advice is to either hide it or lie about it to other people. My youngest sister spends most of her time in her room doing her own thing and doesn't interact with me too much. My younger middle sister and my parents though really make me feel bad.
My middle sister has always been a drama queen. She takes everything I say and tries to twist into a slight against her. She'll then get really confrontational with me and try to make me out as the bad guy. I used to call her out on it, but I stopped because that was exactly what she wanted. That, and anytime we would get into it my parents would immediately tell us to shut up and drop it because we were 'making a scene' or 'being indecent'. My parents have this image of our perfect family and whenever anything happens to disturb that image they immediately try to sweep it under the rug, and if that doesn't work, they just ignore it. According to them, I'm the 'responsible' and 'stable' child who isn't supposed to have any problems and never acts 'inappropriately'. I learned a long time ago that if I had a problem to just deal with it myself, because my parents would just dismiss it or tell me it's no big deal and to just get over it. They're the reason I waited for nearly 4 years and was contemplating suicide before I sought help for my depression and anxiety. I actually tried to tell my dad about it once, and his response was "You don't need to see a therapist, just be happier." I'll probably never be able to come out to them about questioning my gender.
I'm just so tired of it all. And there's no one I can talk to about this except my therapist. Not my boyfriend, not my sisters, not my parents, and I have literally no friends. Nothing feels like it's worth the effort anymore.
Sometimes, I wish I could just fall asleep and never have to wake up.
Believe it or not, I was in the exact same place as you, save I'm MtF, down to the line "I wish I could just fall asleep and never have to wake up." it was me exactly. I don't remember exactly what it was, but something this past Wednesday kicked my sorry little butt into high gear, and suddenly, I'm motivated to do anything it takes, and I'm infinitely happier and more confident. Joining this site helped too, all the people here are so great.
But, as soon as I remember what it was that put everything in motion, I'll PM it to you right away.
Best of luck, here's loves and hugs :)
I know exactly how you're feeling. I've been dealing with depression/anxiety all of my life. Absolutely nothing made me happy. I couldn't talk to my wife about much of anything because she doesn't like discussing emotions and feelings. She'd rather not think anything is wrong than deal with it and would get mad when I really needed to talk about something important.
When I first came out at the beginning of the year, things were rough and they stayed rough for most of the year. I even tried committing suicide in May, I was miserable. Later on, I went full time and a lot of my depression and anxiety went away for a few months. Now thanks to other stressors, I've dropped back down into a dark place, not dark enough for suicide but too dark to want to be like this. Different from past depression is that I have something to live for, I feel like myself now and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
The point is that just like me, you can get through the darkness and find the light. You just need to figure out what would make life worth living for you. Hang in there and keep trying to make things better, that's all you can do, giving up is not an option. I can tell you that things will eventually get better, it just takes time.
You have a whole support site full of people that you can talk to. If you need to talk, I'm just a PM away. :)
*HUGS*
Amy
Sounds like you're stuck in a pretty unhappy place right now. Having been in similar situations a number of times over the years I know it is a really crappy place to be in... even worse when it's hard to shake. I actively avoided taking any medication for it but the last time it happened in February this year my doc persuaded me to take a small dose of an antidepressant. I was pretty skeptical and resistant to the idea but rather amazingly it did the trick and helped to blow the clouds away and get me thinking positively again. Don't know if you're on any medical treatment in addition to your counselling but if not it might(???) be helpful. Each to their own of course - however it happens I sincerely hope you find your way back to happier shores soon. :)
Thanks everyone for the kind words. I am currently on the highest dose of antidepressant that a person can be on before risking serious heart problem side-effects, and it has definitely brought me out of the super dark places. The difficulty now is finding things that make me happy. It's proving to be rather difficult for me, especially as I am still struggling with finding myself and my gender identity.
Standard response I give to young people (I say young because at home under parents roof tends to suggest that).
You are young, you have a gift that so many of us simply can't get back, all of our life spent as the wrong person.
Plan for the day you get to be the real you, and then plan to enjoy a full life being you. It's a great thing you have there, something no amount of money can buy.
Youth is fleeting, you won't be at the parents forever, and believe it or not, very soon it will seem like just yesterday you were just a kid and where did the time go?
The day will come if you really want it. But it takes some planning, and it takes a lot more planning that something easy like college let me tell you.
Mtf or Ftm, it's no easier for either. Lots of things to solve, what to do and what order. Hey you've spent plenty of life already and likely as the other side of the coin. You'd be surprised at all the things that need changing over eh. Sit down and start writing out a list of all those things and it will surprise you. Then bring the list here and wait to be blown away by how we can likely suggest all sorts of things you might not have thought of.
Hey I consider myself damned smart, and people are always telling me things I had not thought of.
We are all hoping for you :)
Big hug! We're your friends, that's gotta make you happy!
Hugs, Devlyn
Just my opinion but, don't try to find things to make you happy. Just do things you seem to keep doing when all else fails and then improve that skill. You may be surprised by how happy you feel about the progress of just that.