Hi :) I'm new here and I have some questions!
I'm a cisgender woman, I identify as heterosexual and I've only ever been in a relationship with straight cisgender men. However, I've recently found myself drawn to trans men.
Now I don't know what to do! The FTMs I've met pursue relationships with bisexuals/lesbians. I don't know if this is typical of most FTMs or if we're simply at an age when most are transitioning and maintain a relationship with their partners. What do you think?
I also need advice about sharing my interests with my friends and family. They know I am an ally but would likely not support such a relationship. I can always make new friends but I don't want to alienate myself from my family.
Thanks :D
First of all, welcome. ;D
What you said is interesting, because as a trans man myself, I would really prefer to date a straight girl - bisexual would be OK too, but I wouldn't want to be with a lesbian because, well, they like women and I am not a woman. I'd feel better knowing that the person I was with was attracted to cisgender men, because I'd feel like she saw me as a guy too. So it's kind of interesting that many trans men you know are with bi/lesbian women. Maybe your theory is right, that they are maintaining the relationships they had from when they were "female."
As for the family thing, I think the easiest way to explain it would be that you like trans men because even though they have different parts (when they are pre-op) they are still men in terms of who they are. Another thing, which I'm sure you probably know, is that after long enough on hormones and such, almost all trans men become physically indistinguishable from cisgender men (at least with clothes on). I know for me, when I see a beautiful woman, I don't think "oooh, she has breasts and a vagina under her clothes" (lol, well, sometimes I think about those things but you know). So if you meet a guy, and he's handsome, you don't immediately think about his penis, you think about the whole package (lol) as it were. So, if it turns out the guy you like doesn't yet have his penis - well, maybe that's not such a big deal because you find the whole guy to be attractive enough that you're not going to get hung (oh, the puns, they kill me) up on such a minor detail.
Hi Caleb!
Thanks very much for the advice-it was both thoughtful and funny :-P I am encouraged to hear that you prefer straight women as a trans man. I was worried that other guys might not feel comfortable with someone outside the queer community.
With my family, I think I'll cross that road when I get there. Hopefully I can use some of your clever puns for comic relief? But either way I think they'd freak out and have me exorcised or something...
It'd be worth it for the right person though.
I do think the there is the fear in some transmen that straight women might not fully acccept him as a "real" man. I understand that fear because I have that fear. I also think when somes FTM pursue bisexuals and lesbians, it's typically because they were already with that person before hand.
I haven't really been in a fufilling relationship that didn't involve the computer so it's hard for me to make too much comment on this but I wouldn't mind dating a girl who identifies me as a real male despite what they identify themselves, though it has always been my thought that if I could date a pansexual woman then I hit the jackpot LOL. Of course not always true haha.
I read your intro post where you did express concern that your family wouldn't be very tolerant of gender idenity. Mine is the same way-Black Christians from the south. I can only imagine the nightmare it will be when I officially come out (and by official, tell them I'm actually going through with the physical process of transitioning since I think they already know/I already came out to my sister and father).
You know, I think the way you tackle this with your family is similar to the way I would, and that's by showing them the scientific research and what the Bible actually says, or more imporantly doesn't say about transgender people. Also sharing the stories of trans people you meet.
Granted, it may not work and they may think you (or the transman rather) would still need deliverance but at that point you would just need to agree to disagree with them.
I have to wonder, if you do date a trans man and he passes as most do at some point, is it really any of their business that he was formerly female-bodied? I understand coming out from the POV of the trans person but it doesn't seem particularly relevant.
I'm a gay cis man in sort of the preliminaries of a long-distance relationship with a trans man and I would see no reason to bring it up to my family. If they ever meet him, I'll just introduce him by name, use the appropriate pronouns, etc. Even if he doesn't pass perfectly, then they'll probably just figure he's a gay guy, which would be accurate.
Oh, and welcome to Susan's!
Quote from: dalebert on October 19, 2013, 07:44:01 AM
I have to wonder, if you do date a trans man and he passes as most do at some point, is it really any of their business that he was formerly female-bodied? I understand coming out from the POV of the trans person but it doesn't seem particularly relevant.
I'm a gay cis man in sort of the preliminaries of a long-distance relationship with a trans man and I would see no reason to bring it up to my family. If they ever meet him, I'll just introduce him by name, use the appropriate pronouns, etc. Even if he doesn't pass perfectly, then they'll probably just figure he's a gay guy, which would be accurate.
Oh, and welcome to Susan's!
Exactly, its none of their business really. Many cisgender people seem to think that being transgender loses you the right for people not to know what's in your pants. I mean, unless its normal for you to talk to your parents about your partners genitals, I don't think its any of their business.
Malachite,
I can totally get those sort of reservations! It does make a lot more sense to me now that you've explained it. Also, I hadn't thought to use scripture to help them see reason. GENIUS! Thanks so much for the advice and good luck with your transition.
Dalebert and Heart,
I would agree that my personal life (especially what a partner's packing lol) would be none of my family's business. It's only that the trans men I've met and been attracted to aren't "stealth". In fact, they're quite politically involved and always share their story with a serious SO's family. Maybe that's because we're in college? Anyways, if they prefer to disclose their past I would want to support them. Same thing if they didn't. Thanks for the welcome xoxo!
Joules,
That's a very good point! A friend of mine was just explaining this to me because her family didn't understand "why" she is a trans woman when she's attracted to women. Its not as is attraction can be easily explained and I often forget that! As for my family, I think yours may be the best approach. Looking at possible reasons they'd object would make it easier to refute them. I do think that disapproval is very likely but here's hoping for the best! :)
Quote from: Shaina on October 19, 2013, 07:31:55 PM
Malachite,
I can totally get those sort of reservations! It does make a lot more sense to me now that you've explained it. Also, I hadn't thought to use scripture to help them see reason. GENIUS! Thanks so much for the advice and good luck with your transition.
You're very welcome and thanks! :) transchristian.org is a great resource to help explain about ->-bleeped-<- and the Bible along with all of the "clobber" passages and arguments against so. The Christianity section here also has some good insight on the matter whenever you feel you should research it more.
QuoteYou're very welcome and thanks! :) transchristian.org is a great resource to help explain about ->-bleeped-<- and the Bible along with all of the "clobber" passages and arguments against so. The Christianity section here also has some good insight on the matter whenever you feel you should research it more.
Wow you're just full of good advice. I'm officially fan-girling you now :P Also, I'm going to check out the Christianity section now! Thanks a bunch!
Lol no problem!
I think it does have to do with fear that a straight girl will want the "real" thing, personally I can only go for straight girls cause I want to be seen as a guy, my gf right now has only been with cisgendered males before me and treats me like a dude
as far as family, if the guy your with can pass as a guy in public and no one notices, then its no one elses business besides yours if he has a penis or not
My gf's family were not to happy to find out I'm missing a penis, doesn't matter to them if I look and act like a dude, but because I don't have a penis, they still see me as a chick, it sucks, but its an obstacle you get over and have to deal with