Last night I was having another depressive episode and I couldn't handle it anymore... Got in a fight with my wife and left the house because I was tired of being ignored for being depressed.. I was tired of no one showing me sympathy when I'm upset and always just getting mad at me as if it's my fault. I drove off into the night at 10ish and just drove wherever the road went and eventually people began to call me as the night progressed with my absence... I was 100% ready to kill myself and crash
 my car... Eventually my mom managed to calm me down and wanted to meet me somewhere to talk... I was feeling like a total psycho... Like my happiness only meant destruction and I was just crazy and stupid..
When my mom got to me where I was, she begged me to tell her what was causing all this stress and depression and crisis.. And I came out to her about all of it. Her reaction was definitely not what I expected... she first responded with "is that the big secret?" And like any other person trying to understand, she asked various questions as if to "be sure" and i made it clear what it was that I wanted... And I expressed to her how I felt like I deserved to die because of all this.. And she was getting upset and started crying and I was beginning to shut down and feel the anxiety coming on... And then I asked her why she was upset expecting her answer to be because of this secret of mine... And she said "I just hate to see you like this."
She reassured me that she would still be there for me and she would never abandon me no matter what, and then she said "I would rather have a daughter instead of a dead son".. It almost made me cry...
So now my mom knows and understands that I want to transition... And she even said she would pay for the appointments and treatments if necessary... I really wasn't expecting that.. It feels so good to know that I won't lose my family..
My dad doesn't know yet, my mom told me she wouldn't say anything to anyone until I was ready... I just don't wanna become a sensitivity case like my brother... I don't want to make people act all "PC" around me and be afraid to "say the wrong thing".. I just don't want to be treated the way my brother is treated after traumatizing my entire family with his attitude... You can't even touch on the gay topic with him because it always ends in a fight whether you are with him or against him.. I don't want to be treated like that.. I know that my family is way uneducated about all this and I'm willing to educate peacefully unlike my brother.
I've come out to all my closest friends and they each said to me either "I'm not surprised" or "I already see you as a girl, this would just confirm it visually" or "i always knew you would be much happier as a girl". I know my friends are right behind me seeing as they already see me how I want to see myself. Unfortunately, one of my best (male) friends that I've known for 10 years is a serious transphobe... I remember one time long ago I did a test trial coming out on him, and his reaction was so negative that I know our friendship would be over. I'll live on I suppose..
I feel like I've taken a big step in my life... But this is just the beginning... Now I have to think about how I'm going to tell my wife... And I also have to get ready for possibly losing her.. I may have been wrong about my mom or my friends, But I know my wife almost better than she knows herself.. And this is gonna take some therapy.
On another note, today I spent the entire day as me. As Emily. For the first time. It was so amazing... I felt so good to be out as myself, of course i was nervous and scared, but it went very well. I went to a Denny's with a few friends and the waitress referred to me as "mam"... It made me feel so happy inside. Emily is slowly freeing herself, and I can't wait to keep going.
I also got a gift from my big sis today! she gave me a diary to write about my journey and transition, and a necklace of a padlock so I can always "look at it and remember I'm not alone"
:)
Anyway, sorry for making this so long.. I just really wanted to make a post about this leap I took.
Quote from: LittleEmily24 on October 21, 2013, 12:50:13 AM
On another note, today I spent the entire day as me. As Emily. For the first time. It was so amazing... I felt so good to be out as myself, of course i was nervous and scared, but it went very well. I went to a Denny's with a few friends and the waitress referred to me as "mam"... It made me feel so happy inside. Emily is slowly freeing herself, and I can't wait to keep going.
I also got a gift from my big sis today! she gave me a diary to write about my journey and transition, and a necklace of a padlock so I can always "look at it and remember I'm not alone"
:)
Hi Emily :)
Congrats on coming out to your mother and friends! I'm sorry to hear about your wife and guy friend's reaction to what must be a difficult time in your life. I'm sure you'll find Susans a lot more accepting and a place to be you.
xoxoxo
Congrats on coming out. Doesn't life just seem so totally different now, in a good kind of way? Its a hard step to get over but you made it :D
I can really relate to most of what you've said Emily and my heart goes out to you. I've gotten to the point of being depressed/suicidal that you were. Most of my life, I've hated myself and that has been the biggest cause of my unhappiness. However, since I've been transitioning, I no longer hate myself and things are much easier to deal with now. My best advice would be to try to push through the painful/difficult stuff, including if things don't work out with your wife, because it does get better.
Congratulations on coming out to your mom and friends. It's great to know that you have so much support. :)
*HUGS*
Amy
Congrats Emily! It sounds like your mother loves you very much.
(Emily is also my top contender for a middle name :D)
Way to go Emily! Don't worry about your friends, they will reveal themselves as either keepers or throw aways, you're not responsible for their attitudes. One thing I always tell people is that you can always count on the fact that mom's will never throw out the baby with the bath water, there is usually an invisible cord of unconditional love that is unbreakable. Dad's will be grumpy and have an "Oh dammit" moment because that's what dad's do and it's expected of them, but mom always knows how to reel him back in and chill him down, after all she's equipped to do that and he knows it. Looks like you just jumped over one of the biggest hurtles, too bad we always have to suffer an emotional meltdown in the process.
Quote from: Shantel on October 21, 2013, 10:58:04 AM
Way to go Emily! Don't worry about your friends, they will reveal themselves as either keepers or throw aways, you're not responsible for their attitudes. One thing I always tell people is that you can always count on the fact that mom's will never throw out the baby with the bath water, there is usually an invisible cord of unconditional love that is unbreakable. Dad's will be grumpy and have an "Oh dammit" moment because that's what dad's do and it's expected of them, but mom always knows how to reel him back in and chill him down, after all she's equipped to do that and he knows it. Looks like you just jumped over one of the biggest hurtles, too bad we always have to suffer an emotional meltdown in the process.
I love how that describes my parents right now. That emotional connection from my mother took a while to show itself, but it's there. My father is stoic.
Quote from: kabit on October 21, 2013, 11:27:19 AM
I love how that describes my parents right now. That emotional connection from my mother took a while to show itself, but it's there. My father is stoic.
That's just the nature of parents as I have observed over the years, and being one myself I understand it completely.
Quote from: Shantel on October 21, 2013, 11:37:48 AM
That's just the nature of parents as I have observed over the years, and being one myself I understand it completely.
LOL... I didn't need
another reason to feel more like a mother to my kids ;)
I also came out to my wife yesterday afternoon. I was gonna make a seperate post but seeing as this is still active i'll just post it here.
She reacted completely different from what I had expected.
She pretty much told me "this is not news to me". She told me that its been obvious for a while, and when I told her "my depression stems for my unhappiness in my own body" she said "thats obvious."
I even told her how surprised i was that she was taking it so well... I found out she only has 3 fears about all this:
1. Having kids being a problem (in terms of traditional attempts)
2. Our sex life (she said she is attracted to men and that she is not a lesbian)
3. Apparently, there are legal issues regarding kids and trans-parents.... I mean are you ->-bleeped-<-ing kidding me?! I read that they give sole custody to the wife or husband of the transperson because they are "unfit to take care of a child" what kind of BULL->-bleeped-<- is that?!?! Why the <not allowed> do people feel the need to FORCE their BULL->-bleeped-<- onto your life?!? Ugh, but that's a rant for another post.
Anyway, she knows now, she told me she doesn't care what her parents think and she never has, but that she would still love me and she still does. She knows I want to transition and she knows that everything that will change about me physically and emotionally. She knows everything pretty much. She took it so much better than i expected.. though I still have fears for the future..
Congrats! :D
Quote from: LittleEmily24 on October 22, 2013, 09:22:20 AM
Anyway, she knows now, she told me she doesn't care what her parents think and she never has, but that she would still love me and she still does. She knows I want to transition and she knows that everything that will change about me physically and emotionally. She knows everything pretty much. She took it so much better than i expected.. though I still have fears for the future..
That's fantastic news! Congrats coming out to your wife, that must have been really difficult! I'm really glad she took it so well and-considering her reaction-I'm sure she'll be just as understanding through your transition. :)
I am so happy for you that I am crying a little (am in male mode at work, so faking an allergy attack). I hope all is well with you, and continues to go well.
I know this won't fix everything, and there is still a long road ahead, but you are well on your way. Congratulations!!!
*happy dance*