One that I've been tired of hearing: Are you going to get surgery down there?"
It's always the same one, sooner or latter when you reveal to somebody or they know you already, it's always that one. And I'm getting tired. It's never an easy question, and despite my decision already being made, I don't think any other person needs to know my status down there, and if I am "cutting it" unless there is going to be sex or a relationship. Feels as if you tell them "no", they will think you still want to fudge girls. When I started coming out, and somebody was going to "can I ask you something", I used to say "Sure, while it is not related to my gender orientation of surgery". I feel that now that I went full time (despite still being not really passable), that questions is not what you would ask a lady. I don't go asking people if they are gay or whatever...
Your reaction to this same situation?
As you may know, I'm a teacher by trade. I also think that if people are going to learn about transgender, it will be us that teaches them.
I see comments like that as an opportunity to educate people.
The media is so fascinated with SRS that most people equate it with transition. Transition = SRS.
I'm the first and only person a lot of those people will ever meet who can explain the truth to them.
I usually open their eyes to some facts:
* Most trans women I know personally did not have surgery. It is not an integral part of transition. For some people it is something that goes along with it.
* It's something transwomen usually don't talk about amongst themselves. Because so many of us don't have the money or have health issues that prevent surgery, it's thought of as an intrusive topic.
* Many of us don't need it. The image of the transgender woman painted by the media who is disgusted by her private parts is by no means universal. Many of us don't mind what we were born with, or not enough to slice them up.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they're not trying to make us uncomfortable, just that they haven't thought it through.
It is kind of weird in that it's probably the only time people feel they have the right to ask you a direct question about your genitals... doesn't happen in most conversations, polite or otherwise.
I got asked it last time and no doubt will again, can't remember how I responded then I think this time my answer will be along the lines of "does it matter? I'm still transgendered regardless." (Or perhaps, "why? Are you offering to help pay for it?" That should shut them up!)
The question bothers me at that many levels. In "normal" persons, talking about genitals is never a polite topic, and only acceptable if you have absurd levels of confidences. As a man, have you ever asked somebody (in normal conversation) how her pussy looks like? Sure, between men they seem to carry a placard saying "ask me about my dick", but to me... Having a dick stills makes you a man and you don't mind talking about it? Since you are not a true woman you don't need to show absolute politeness?
For me unless there is an heightened level of trust and confidence, I don't think there is any politeness in straight asking me what am I going to di with it. Sure is, fascinating, but... Not polite.
On my answers, sometimes I offer myself to describe them all the process. That surely make them regret asking that, and some look down to themselves with fear. With women, I've never been asked about it unless it was a really close friend. With men... All the time.
And despite what I thought in the first denial stages, I'm the kind of woman that wants the full package. Most of the time I can blur it from my sight, but I never spend too much time in front of a full sized mirror or in the bathroom without a towel. Over time, it's become something I deem important in my life. Maybe that is why I get so pissed off... Who knows...
For me it depends who is asking. If it's a total stranger I won't like it and will probably meet it with "No but I have been looking into the type of vagina I might want, tell me, do you have hanging down labia or small ones, how many fingers can you get in there? How often do you get thrush? So, can I see it? Oh I'm sorry, was I too direct, I had assumed since you asked about my genitals that it was open day on such intrusive questions.." Then wink and walk away lol
Most of that was tongue in cheek but I haven't ruled it out, just in case ;)
Just respond with "Why do you want to know?" >:-)
I was SO braced for this question... and never got it! Weirdest darned thing.
(Well, unless we count my therapist, who *did* ask what kind of labia I wanted, and I kind of couldn't decide if that was reasonable from her or not. :) )
My completely unprofessional opinion is that some men are so mentally/emotionally centered around their own genitals that the idea of someone not wanting theirs is as bizarre as say seeing a purple dinosaur riding a tricycle while eating and ice-cream cone (get that image out of your head for the rest of the day, I dare you). I think they have problems wrapping their minds around it. It has to do with their own insecurities and nothing to do with you.
Maybe you could explain that it's rude to ask, maybe ask them if a stranger walked up and asked their sister (or daughter) to describe their genitals in detail how they might feel?
Also bear in mind that the interwebs are not the only place trolls are found. Maybe some ask because they think upsetting other human beings is funny. (I completely don't understand that mindset, but I know they're out there.)
Anyway, the point is YOU are a normal person, they are the ones that are not. Seems like you know that already, I hope you never lose sight of it. :)
-maggie
I get asked often...most of the time I'll answer, but if I get a vibe that they don't care for people like us, I do say, "That's not appropriate to ask."
Of course, if they next ask "...cut it off?" (Only guys use that phrase) I use that as a springboard (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,145588.msg1191276.html#msg1191276) to a brief and detailed description of the process... >:-)
Quote from: Jenna Marie on October 23, 2013, 12:45:18 PM
I was SO braced for this question... and never got it! Weirdest darned thing.
More than half the people I discuss my transition with, ask some form of this question.
I know it's intrusive, but please hear me out.
I tend to be socially clueless. I'm frequently saying something that sounds innocent to me just to make conversation, and realize later it was taken by the other person in a negative way. I don't ever mean them any harm or discomfort, but my social IQ is really low when applied to figuring out how what I'm about to say will impact someone.
So I have a lot of sympathy for people who think transition=SRS and who ask us about our surgery. Maybe I'm too much of a softie, but I can easily envision myself saying that sort of thing, and would want the other person to understand I mean no disrespect.
Suzi : I think you make a good point, actually. Which doesn't mean it's not possible to politely tell someone that's not a good question to ask, but the staggering rudeness almost certainly isn't *always* intended.
(I should have added that I don't doubt at all that other people run into this a lot. I think it's that I'm in a very reserved part of New England; people won't necessarily bring it up if someone's hair is on fire!)
Quote from: Jenna Marie on October 23, 2013, 01:23:25 PM
(people won't necessarily bring it up if someone's hair is on fire!)
Some might even be silently chanting *burn baby burn!* lol
I got this asked only very rarely and only by people who knew me rather well by that, mostly transpeople. I had no issue responding with a simple "yes, most likely" to it. That period in my life was less than 2 years anyways, afterwards interestingly no one ever asked again. Either they knew I had it done already or they just assumed I did. Occassionally I did get a "did you have ...", to which I started to react with funny replies. First time in years someone asked me that was here in the chat though LOL - i probably have been asked more often if I am post op or not in the chat here than in all my years in real life ;) - but thats ok for me. I have no trouble talking about that. But then, I also go into saunas and no-bathsuit swimming areas, so I dont really mind people talking or looking at genitals in a nonsexual way.
My friends know I'm making visits to the hospital and that I'm hoping to get onto the waiting list to talk to the surgeon who puts me on the waiting list ... That more or less answers the question they haven't asked.
I haven't been asked yet - perhaps people are more polite around here? The answer I favour is "You'll find out when you get me in bed" - pause - "That's not going to happen".
I only ever got asked this question by ts acquaintances. "I can't believe you haven't had it done yet. Why not? Do you intend to have it?" It was one of the reasons I decided to completely isolate myself from the tg 'community' from 2000.
Quote from: MaryXYX on October 25, 2013, 08:02:37 AM
I haven't been asked yet - perhaps people are more polite around here? The answer I favour is "You'll find out when you get me in bed" - pause - "That's not going to happen".
That's very similar to what I say: "If you want the answer to
that question, you need to be
very cute and you need to at least buy me a drink first. And I'm sorry, but you're just not that cute!" ;D
I just say "noneya". HUH? None ya damn business.
One similar question I bet never gets asked from you gals that I was asked by a workmate (she was super cute and super shy when asking it,)- "Are you going to have a period?"
Still makes me chuckle. I couldn't take any 'down there' questions seriously after that.
Quote from: FTMDiaries on October 25, 2013, 08:26:23 AM
That's very similar to what I say: "If you want the answer to that question, you need to be very cute and you need to at least buy me a drink first. And I'm sorry, but you're just not that cute!" ;D
I like that version! Possibly better than my original.
When I came out on facebook, in my post I added something like "No jokes, funny observations, threats or uncomfortably personal questions, please."
That might have made people too afraid to ask any questions, because sometimes I wish people would ask me how it's going. I do allow physical questions from some people though. My ex girlfriend gets to ask absolutely anything. We spent most of the time discussing genitalia when we were together (long distance relationship), so nothing's really changed. She's mostly interested in how it works now and how it will work in the future. In exchange for learning about my physical stuff, she's teaching me about how the lesbian scene works.
And since I'm studying to become a nurse, I let class mates and teachers ask most things. I feel somewhat confident that I can safely share things with colleagues. So far no one's been sensationalist about it, if that's the right word. A friend in school is having a boob job, so her first thought when I came out seemed to be "Yes! Someone who will understand me!". And I guess I felt the same when she wanted to discuss surgery :)
I've never gotten asked that by a stranger randomly. That's just weird. But other strangers at a trans conference who are trans, yes. I don't mind. We're all in the same boat, curious. Friends have asked me, I don't mind. When parents other trans folk ask me, thats a little strange. I mean, I know they're "in the circle" too, but I'm sorry, WE have nothing in common.
I'll talk about with them. It's a fascinating phenomena in the world that I'm guessing 99% of the population knows nothing about other than what's on TV, which isn't great. It's kinda cool to see their head spinning, trying to wrap their mind around the whole thing.
I've never been asked if I'll have the surgery, but when and I'm not that bothered by it too much. Perhaps it come from a lifetime of having (most) of my medical issues history out in the open and I don't see this as being any different.
That being said, my friend had told his brother about me. He said that his brother told him that he wanted to see it after surgery. I promptly told my friend to suggest to his brother that he should go and perform certain "anatomically impossible acts" to himself and that despite the fact that his brother is a nurse, he could use Google to satisfy his "medical curiosity".
Quote from: ErinM on November 03, 2013, 09:06:52 PM
He said that his brother told him that he wanted to see it after surgery.
Alternatively: "You do realise that's $400 an hour don't you? Minimum booking 1/4 hour."
Heh. Question is changing now to "Do you have something operated"? Now there are more interested on if I have a huge rack.
->-bleeped-<-s...
The existence of '->-bleeped-<-s' is a reality we all have to get used to and have to deal with at some point or other. Crazily, I actually enjoyed the adulation very early in my transition. The ones I met were some of the most sensitive and nicest guys I ever met, believe it or not, and are oft no different in want and needs to 'regular' guys... I just made sure I was the one doing all the exploitation, which meant free fine food and wine without ever divesting myself.
I enjoy being a public figure and "came out" in the daily newspaper, a monthly magazine article and on facebook. Yes our genitalia are big (pun intended as mine shrink) concerns to some and I feel compelled to have a practiced routine depending on who is asking.
Like Suzifrommd I am involved with education and feel it is important to inform those who seriously seek knowledge vs the troglodytes who need a slap down. I give most the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks all for adding to our repertoire of fun responses!
I haven't really been asked this, because people have simply assumed I'm getting it done. Honestly, I don't know if I ever will have SRS! I don't necessarily hate having a penis. I mean, it doesn't really suit me since I don't like using it how it was intended, and I'm more the receptive partner in sex, so having another hole would be preferable. But does this mean I'm for sure getting it done? Of course not! It's expensive and rather drastic. If I'm going to get it done I want to have plenty of time to consider it, especially after starting HRT and going full-time. But I guess most people assume there's nothing to think about. It's all woman or not a woman at all. *eye rolls*
So yeah, my mom has mentioned it in conversation like 'oh well when you get the surgery done blah blah blah' like she knows it's going to happen. Yeah mom, sure mom.. >.> I don't want to try to correct her though, I think it would just blow her mind. xD And I think my endo mentioned it once, but I didn't comment on it. Then there's my best friend/ex-gf. She not just assumes I'll do it but she's kinda pressuring me too. She says she wants at it first lol. I swear other people want me to have it more than I do!
The way I see it, anyone who has the nerve to ask such a personal question is either a) a very close friend or loved one who feels your relationship is open to communication at such an intimate level, b) someone you know who thinks that because you confided in them about your trans status that it opens up the dialogue to anything and everything having to do with being trans, or c) someone you barely know (or a total stranger!) who doesn't respect you enough to consider how invasive and inappropriate this question is.
In the case of a, they're likely genuinely concerned about your health and well-being.
In the case of b, I'd imagine their tone (how they ask) would give away their motivation for asking such a question.
In the case of c, a harshly worded response would not be unwarranted. A scoff and a glare would be choice. But just walking away would be wise.
It depends on who's asking, and what their motivation for asking may be. Context, motive, tone and your relationship with the asker are all factors imo.
But the bottom line, despite all that, is that it's a freaking rude question and it's nobody's business!
How else are they supposed to picture you naked with any accuracy if they aren't allowed to ask? [/sarcasm]
Quote from: Ashey on November 12, 2013, 02:04:52 PM
I haven't really been asked this, because people have simply assumed I'm getting it done. Honestly, I don't know if I ever will have SRS! I don't necessarily hate having a penis. I mean, it doesn't really suit me since I don't like using it how it was intended, and I'm more the receptive partner in sex, so having another hole would be preferable. But does this mean I'm for sure getting it done? Of course not! It's expensive and rather drastic. If I'm going to get it done I want to have plenty of time to consider it, especially after starting HRT and going full-time. But I guess most people assume there's nothing to think about. It's all woman or not a woman at all. *eye rolls*
So yeah, my mom has mentioned it in conversation like 'oh well when you get the surgery done blah blah blah' like she knows it's going to happen. Yeah mom, sure mom.. >.> I don't want to try to correct her though, I think it would just blow her mind. xD And I think my endo mentioned it once, but I didn't comment on it. Then there's my best friend/ex-gf. She not just assumes I'll do it but she's kinda pressuring me too. She says she wants at it first lol. I swear other people want me to have it more than I do!
That's got to be aggravating. I can actually relate a bit. My original therapist referred to my gender therpist as my "sex change therapist" which surprised and offended me. I think that because I'm trans, and I've explained my feelings to him and my desire to be female, he just automatically assumes I'm getting SRS. Like that's just part of the trans package! ::)
I'm also on the fence about SRS. Mostly due to fear of pain and complications. But I do want it. I plan to take it one step at a time though. No need to decide on the last step at the beginning of the journey.
Quote from: Jillian on November 14, 2013, 01:54:07 AM
I'm also on the fence about SRS. Mostly due to fear of pain and complications. But I do want it. I plan to take it one step at a time though. No need to decide on the last step at the beginning of the journey.
Quote
Wise words Jillian, we do seem to learn more along the way.
Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on November 14, 2013, 01:49:41 AM
How else are they supposed to picture you naked with any accuracy if they aren't allowed to ask? [/sarcasm]
Thanks OC i'm LMAO and I didn't have a lot to loose. Sheesh that had not occurred to me that some one was asking to better envision me nude. I'm crossing my legs tightly right now ha ha ha ;D
although i must admit SRS does fix alot of problems. like with legal things and if you ever go to jail. plus... post op sex is amazing. haha :P
Quote from: Tristan on November 14, 2013, 05:13:58 AM
although i must admit SRS does fix alot of problems. like with legal things and if you ever go to jail. plus... post op sex is amazing. haha :P
Hey Tristan nice to see you again! Keep on with that amazing fun and I am going to get even more jealous of you....ha ha just kidding and glad you can readily appreciate who and where you are. I had my wild time fun at your age-- when I could dance all night and recover a lot faster. Jail scares the crap out of me. I did time as a teenager for being a vagrant runaway--what a crime, but it left an indelible need for personal freedom. Now our prison industrial complex has become a huge profit center racket where a phone call can cost $25 and we warehouse millions of people for non violent "crimes."
Oops I find soapboxes everywhere :)
Back to SRS/Gender Affirming Surgery. I confess a fluid sense about the big questions myself and do consider orchiectomy. I would have very little doubt about going full on if I was a young person and looking forward to dating. While feeling safe and supported to talk about it here, real life has no moderators. Good to be prepared for the ? then.
Quote from: Eva Marie on October 23, 2013, 08:24:13 AM
Just respond with "Why do you want to know?" >:-)
Ha! Perfect!
I think people are curious, is all. Most people know very little about this whole process (like the girl thinking we would menstruate! :) ) And especially with guys, just the very thought of having something done down there must be frightening! Most still think you have it cut off.
As for myself... probably yes. But that will be the last thing I do. And mostly just so I look good in tight clothes. ;) I have no interest in men, so I won't be using it for that! And who knows, maybe I won't even bother. Time will tell.
Quote from: Tessa James on November 14, 2013, 11:34:33 AM
Hey Tristan nice to see you again! Keep on with that amazing fun and I am going to get even more jealous of you....ha ha just kidding and glad you can readily appreciate who and where you are. I had my wild time fun at your age-- when I could dance all night and recover a lost faster. Jail scares the crap out of me. I did time as a teenager for being a vagrant runaway--what a crime, but it left an indelible need for personal freedom. Now our prison industrial complex has become a huge profit center racket where a phone call can cost $25 and we warehouse millions of people for non violent "crimes."
Oops I find soapboxes everywhere :)
Back to SRS/Gender Affirming Surgery. I confess a fluid sense about the big questions myself and do consider orchiectomy. I would have very little doubt about going full on if I was a young person and looking forward to dating. While feeling safe and supported to talk about it here real life has no moderators. Good to be prepared for the ? then.
you know i will keep having my fun ;)
but you can still have srs if you want and have fun. its not like your old or anything. its not that bad the recovery. i will admit i had no idea what i was getting into until after when they explained everything to me again and i actually listened but it was so worth it. lots of work the first 3 months and so so the first year. but gez did srs change my life and open me up sexually. i know that sounds bad but oh well.... i like guys and am not ashamed to admit it and trap them... i mean chase them. :police:
This question doesn't bother me all that much I've been asked it several times after coming out to someone. I personally would rather have someone ask me these questions than to put me down and say I'll always be a man. I know it's personal to ask such questions but I understand that the person just is curious and just want to know more so I don't let it bother me. I would rather them come to me with questions about being trans than them hear it from some uninformed source which I've had happen too.
It was what my mother said to me when I came out to her "Like...with surgery?"
There is a weird cultural view about SRS. The question kind of makes me uncomfortable, but I'm not at ant point of getting angry.
Quote from: Dream Is Over on October 23, 2013, 06:04:23 AM
One that I've been tired of hearing: Are you going to get surgery down there?"
It's always the same one, sooner or latter when you reveal to somebody or they know you already, it's always that one. And I'm getting tired. It's never an easy question, and despite my decision already being made, I don't think any other person needs to know my status down there, and if I am "cutting it" unless there is going to be sex or a relationship. Feels as if you tell them "no", they will think you still want to fudge girls. When I started coming out, and somebody was going to "can I ask you something", I used to say "Sure, while it is not related to my gender orientation of surgery". I feel that now that I went full time (despite still being not really passable), that questions is not what you would ask a lady. I don't go asking people if they are gay or whatever...
Your reaction to this same situation?
Asking that sort of question is called a microaggression, and it's a form of bigotry. If they wouldn't ask about the physical anatomy of a cis-woman's vagina, but if they consider it appropriate to ask you about your genitals and what you plan to do with them, then they are being bigoted.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microaggression
Quote from: Thylacin on December 08, 2013, 09:57:53 PM
Asking that sort of question is called a microaggression, and it's a form of bigotry. If they wouldn't ask about the physical anatomy of a cis-woman's vagina, but if they consider it appropriate to ask you about your genitals and what you plan to do with them, then they are being bigoted.
Hmm, although I get what you're saying, I guess I don't take it that way. I see it simply as curiosity. Whether it's entirely appropriate or not is another thing, and for me it depends on the circumstance. Whereas folks that are gay/bi/etc, knowing that is self-explanatory, for trans people, the general population knows comparatively little about what it involves, hence the curiosity. Not to say that there aren't people who are being imposing or inappropriate on purpose. I think the fact that people don't ask about genital surgeries with cisgender folks is pretty self-explanatory, on the other hand.
...The only people who've asked were some immediate family members, and I don't even hesitate to say something like this:
"It's called SRS. Not every transsexual decides to have surgeries, because they either don't desire to, or it's too expensive. For me, I'd like to, when I can afford it."
Being asked by a stranger isn't something I've encountered (yet).
Quote from: Andrea_LS on December 09, 2013, 01:25:21 AM
Hmm, although I get what you're saying, I guess I don't take it that way. I see it simply as curiosity.
Yes, that's all it is. This is something VERY uncommon, and most people are fascinated (or repulsed/threatened) by it. Most people also don't understand what the process is, and think that he MtF male gets his penis cut off!
Reminds me of the time a cis woman I knew had gotten breast implants, and all her girlfriends took turns touching them! They weren't feeling her up, it was all about curiosity.