After setting deadlines, muffing them, setting them again, trying to contact my mom, getting voicemail, losing my nerve, getting a call...
I'm almost forty years old. This is the first time since I was a pre-teen that I have been open and honest with my mother about myself and my sexuality. Palms sweating, heart racing... how is it that I am reacting with fear, as if I were a child preparing to confess to breaking her favorite glass?
The mind is wonderfully strange.
I called my mother after work on Monday and had to leave a message. On Tuesday morning, she left a voicemail on my cell phone while I was in a meeting at work, leaving me with her new cell phone number so I could call her whenever, wherever I needed to. I called her back after work.
Mom: "Hello, son"
Me: "Hi, mom. <hearing sounds of work-place over the phone> Did I catch you at work?"
Mom: "Yes, but I will always make time for you."
Me: "Uh... are you in a break room or at your desk?"
Mom: "I'm at my desk."
Me: "OK, so, maybe I should call you back when you get off work. <considering> <Daughter's name> and I are doing well, in good health and everything, I've just got some heavy stuff to go over with you and it would probably be better for us not to be distracted.
Mom: "Ok. I should be home around 9:30."
...
So, I got my nerve steeled up for no readily apparent reason; she was at work and there was no way I was going to come out to her where she would have to hide/control her emotions... that would not be fair.
The time drew near, incredibly slowly but all too swiftly. Full-on adrenaline response again. The clock hit 9:30. I squeezed my fiancee's hand. By 9:35 I hit the "call" button.
(Note: Family/friends are extremely conservative evangelical Christians)
After the usual pleasantries, here's approximately what was said...
Me: "Mom, I have some news for you. It's very hard for me to tell you this, and I'm sure it's going to be just as hard for you to hear. I've been through a lot of therapy, and I've done my research. I had to be certain before I came to this conclusion. I did not want to hurt you or the family unnecessarily. Mom, I'm transgendered."
Mom: <deafening silence> "So you say."
Me: "Yes. I have been all my life, that I can remember. I tried so hard to be a boy, to be good, but I felt like a monster because I wasn't who I appeared to be. That's why I've been avoiding you so much, lately. I couldn't reconcile myself with who I felt you needed me to be. I've been hating myself for this for a long time, but I'm finally strong enough to face it. I don't want to have this between us anymore".
Mom: <long pause> "Well, son, I want to let you know that I won't stop loving you, no matter what. You know that, right?"
Me: "Yes, mom." <crying> "Thank you. I love you, too."
Mom: "And God loves you, too. That will never change."
Me: "Yes, I'm starting to get that now. This has come between me and my faith, too, because I just couldn't reconcile them. I've always felt like I was nonredeemable, wrong. This isn't just some rebellion thing, my brain is really just, well, female."
Mom: "Wired differently."
Me: "Exactly. And if that's the case, maybe I am this way for a reason. I need to transition, Mom. It's very likely that if I don't, things will continue to get worse and worse until the depression gets so strong I will die. I don't want that, not if there is another way. And studies show that transitioning, for those who really need it, is extremely effective. I... I just don't know what to tell the rest of the family."
Mom: "Don't worry about that. For one thing, you know Grandma and Grandpa don't have much longer to live, right?"
Me: "Yes... I don't really want to burden them with this."
Mom: "But you should understand that even if they do find out, they will still love you. You know <name of family friend cpuple>"
Me: "Yeah?"
Mom: "There son is gay. It's been hard for them, but they're getting through it, and they're still close with him."
Me: "Funny you mention that... this is kind of a double-whammy. I love <fiancee's name>. She's been very supportive through this. And, well, they say sexual preferences don't change. I'm not only coming out as a woman, I'm kind of coming out as a lesbian." (I left out bisexuality for the moment, there was enough for her to deal with.) "I know this is hard, but we've been through worse." (remembering my adopted brother stabbing my father, her husband, to death)
Mom: "Well, that makes sense, I suppose."
The rest is kind of a blur to me. She quoted scripture from Second Corinthians, I think, about being content with who and what you are, and we caught up on some other things. I gave her more information about my fiancee, about how the kids were taking it, and other stuff. We had navigated the worst of the troubled waters and now we were able to get back to normal.
So, there you have it... I've come out to my girlfriend, her kids, my daughters, and now my mother. The people most dear to me in my life all know what is going on... and my immediate supervisor at work knows, too (although the rest of the development team does not; it is unlikely that my contracting client will allow me to transition at the work place, so I'm working on plans B and C at the moment).
There's nothing to hold me back now... and the relief I feel is, well, pretty amazing. Subtle, but the weight on my shoulders has shifted and I can bear it much more comfortably now.
Much love and many hugs to all who are reading this. :)
Congrats! Telling your parents is tough. Glad you had a very positive outcome :D
That's an awesome and touching story! I love to hear about Christians who are open and accepting of others (i.e... us). It's what religion is supposed to be about.
Wow!! :o
You have an understanding mother! And a fiancé! There will be bumps. But you are off to a good start. Having the nerve to do that is so hard. Your strong sister. :)
Hugs,
Jen
Congrats! :D I'm so glad you had a positive outcome from calling your mother and I hope that she is able to support you x
Congratulations Robin! I'm really happy/excited that things are going so well for you.
*HUGS*
Amy
Sounds like those you care the most about, are reciprocating.
Awesome news.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on October 24, 2013, 12:27:09 PM
Sounds like those you care the most about, are reciprocating.
Awesome news.
Yes, yes indeed. Thank you all.
I wish I could say it made everything better, and in some ways it has. I'm not going to start slamming my mom with pictures of me in girl mode, but I am going to talk to her more and try to repair the relationship I damaged through self-loathing.
There are a lot of things ahead of me, a lot of challenges to overcome, and now that I'm out to my most-loved ones I'm beginning to see (and dread) the challenges to come. What will I do about my job? I guess that's the big one. Since I came out to my boss he's been, well, distant. And I've been having trouble focusing at work, my productivity is down (although to be fair, it's a slow period as we begin to focus on developing a new product).
I'm trying very hard to celebrate my accomplishments so far, instead of borrowing trouble from the future. I know, intellectually, I should be happy right now, so I'm working on it. :)
I'm going out tonight with my girlfriend to celebrate; we're taking in a burlesque show at a favorite bar. Should be fun. :)