So recently after having several nervous breakdowns I put a halt in my social transition. I've stopped going out in female clothes and have been using my birth name. I just feel so stressed, upset and alone in transition. I just wish people would be more understanding because I'm constantly being told of what I'm doing wrong with transition. I constantly hear "constructive criticism" from my friends when all I really want are some kind words and a hug. Everything just seems so daunting and I'm constantly worrying that nothing will change. Is been almost ten months since I began hrt in January and I just don't feel different nor satisfied with where I'm going. I just wish I had my friends behind my back in full support.
Hugs, Julie.
Unfortunately a lot of us have to develop a steel core while we're transitioning - to believe in what we're doing completely.
Keep reminding yourself:
* You didn't choose to be transgender
* It doesn't go away on its own and it can't be "cured"
* The only recognized treatment is to transition to live as your true gender.
* THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY OR WRONG WAY TO TRANSITION, just like there is no right or wrong way to be a woman. Whatever way you decide to transition is the right way, because it's YOURS.
I hope this helps. We're always here for you.
Keep at it, Sweetie. You can do this.
No doubt this is stressful stuff, especially going out fully dressed early in transition, which is why I do not do it myself much and won't be until I feel ready. Ten months is not that long a time for all this stuff, sure some people are going great by then but some people are not. If you feel you have to dial it back a little for a while then do so. Don't go all the way back though unless you want to. I am always wearing some female clothes, always, even if my outfit is overall masculine. I have not changed my name yet since I am not presenting that way yet, most of the time, but in your position I would not want to go all the way back to my old name. You could always call yourself J or something, since it is your first initial and pretty andro.
I hope something of this is helpful it is hard to think up good advice D:
PS
Quite a bit has changed I remember your old photos, your most recent ones look a lot nicer and that one you have there has been up a while.
Sounds like you need new friends, to me. No, really... don't ditch your current friends, but expand your circles.
I don't know much about your friends or your journey, but it sure sounds like the ones you have aren't the kind you need all the time. Have you reached out to the local LGBTQ community? It's easy to feel alone when you're the only one of your peer group facing your transition; there are often trans and trans friendly support groups available free-of-charge, or at least places to meet and talk to others in your shoes (be they pumps or flats).
*hug*
Also, while your friends are probably not doing this intentionally, they want to keep you the way you were when they became your friend. Terry Pratchett described this phenomenon once as the crab-pot theory. If you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket, they can easily climb out, but they don't... because as soon as one tries to leave the bucket, another will grab them with its claw and pull them back in. The way to solve this is to get some friends outside the bucket.
Good luck... I hope this helps on some level. I'm available via PM if you need anything, hon. :)
Here's the thing, though, Julie... if you let that worry about nothing changing consume you, derail you, and you quit working at it, then nothing will ever change.
I really hope that you don't let the stress derail you. Because I can't tell you the number of times I've heard stories about people who gave up on transition because they thought the stress was too much for them, and then ended up transitioning anyway later in life after a long period of depression and self-hatred.
*hugs* I know I consider you one of my HRT "twins," so I really hope this will all work out for you and you'll be able to work it out. The public part is admittedly the toughest part. The world is not kind to us, especially in this early-transition state where we're still barely learning to pass, and needing esteem boosts to keep us going. But one way or another, we're all going to have to learn to deal with it eventually. This is where it's not so easy anymore, because now it's not just some distant fantasy, it's actually where you have to start working for it. Again, I hope it works out. I'd hate to see you abandon transition and feel miserable down the line. Again, *hugs.*
Thanks guys. I've just been really worried and intimidated by transition the past few weeks. I just don't feel up to it now, that I'm being very self defeating towards myself. I guess now I just need some time to not only think this over but reassess my expectations and goals. Despite all of this I'm still going through hrt because I can't go back to being in testosterone.
I've been going to a group at local lgbt center and I have met some nice people but I don't really see them outside of group. I'm just happy that I met at least one other girl my age so that at least I have someone to really relate to.
I still feel that despite all that's going on I'm in a much better position now than I was a year ago when I got out of the hospital after a near suicide attempt.
*hug* At least you have that support group... you might consider suggesting an outing after the next meeting, hitting the coffee shop later. It's a nice bridge for those who are up to it... who knows, maybe movies, people watching in the mall... just friendship stuff with people who understand. While you're resting and taking stock, so-to-speak.
Should you resume again later, try making friends with CIS women if possible. Nothing makes me feel better about my transition than being accepted as one of the girls... even though at the moment I pass about as well as a Citroen going up hill into a headwind. :\
Julie,
Don't worry about it. Make progress at the pace that you feel comfortable with. It's an individual journey and you have to find what works best for you. Keep going to your support group and make friends with accepting people who don't criticize your lifestyle.