Hope this is the right forum for this.....
There are so many things I don't understand about people. How can someone say, in the same diatribe, that I'm doing the wrong thing, that they wish I'd never come out about being transgender.... and how could I have known all my life and not told anyone for so long??
WTF? If you'd listen to me, instead of trying to force your way into my head (as if that will work, people... I'm hard headed - I call it "strong")... Yeah I knew. I always knew... it's called "coming out" for a reason. I didn't just come out to you or the rest of my family... I came out to me. I knew and pushed it away. I knew and forced it down. I knew and didn't know. Yes... that's all possible.
Why did I come out 3 months ago? I had been sick for a year (diabetes, high BP) - nothing critical... but I couldn't fix the problem. I knew my life would be short and I wanted to change it. I had no choice and I realized, over a month or two of increased dysphoria and a week of writing in a diary, that I was a fully fledged transgender girl.
Why couldn't I have come out 5 years ago? I understood that this is how I'd be treated and I coped how I always coped. I had one kid then, not three... it would have been easier.
Why couldn't I have come out 10 years ago? I knew people would be disappointed in who I was, that I'd be throwing away my life. I was just married (or just about to get married... if we're talking August - 10 years before I came out). I'd be destroying a young woman's life. I didn't realize I'd be fed up with who I was after 10 years.
Why couldn't I have come out 15 years ago? I was in college and the timing would have been perfect. I didn't realize I was trans. I had just pushed it down and managed to forget about everything. I just found new ways to cope. I clearly didn't know in the least.
Why couldn't I have come out 20 years ago? I did. It didn't work. I didn't know what it was, but I knew clearly (the only other time in my life) that I wanted to be a girl more than anything in the world. I didn't push hard enough and my parents didn't know what it was either. My parents didn't believe it was real. It was a mental disorder back then and I very well might have been disregarded as a viable patient (having realized it in high school).
I SOOOOOOOOO WANT TO SEND THIS TO MY FAMILY RIGHT NOW. It wouldn't do any good, though... it would actively harm what I've got going on... but their misconceptions are effing destroying me right now. I'm fine with how people feel about it - I'll take their feelings in stride... but when they won't let me clear up misconceptions they have about who I am and where I've come from, I just want them to leave and not talk to me. The past is past... if I could change it I'd start with in utero... if I couldn't change that, I'd be out and working toward transition at age 15. I don't blame my parents, but I have a feeling they'd have changed a few things too.
I love my kids and the past cannot be changed. It's an impossible question because I'd be giving up something I love (and my wife loves) to save myself and my family some pain.
Pain is not bad... and it's the reality we're working in. I feel that all of my family is removed from reality right now, and it pisses me off. I've been living in fantasy all my life and I'm finding that to be true of nearly everyone. Who is Walter Mitty now, ->-bleeped-<-ahs?
Tarah, I just want to give you a hug. :icon_hug:
Would sitting down with them and trying to guide them through what you just said work? You're finally doing what's best for you, it's what most family member say they want. Maybe calmly and rationally explain how you know it's difficult for them (we both know it's incredibly hard on you, too), but it was that or live the rest of your life in misery, maybe suicidal misery. Isn't alive better than the alternative?
Also maybe letting them vent and just get their emotions out is how they're going to work it through. You've totally changed who they thought you were, you've shaken some serious pillars of their lives.
I call what you are is "strong," too. Stronger for having to suffer the slings and arrows of your family's issues. Keep on venting here, it's what we're here for. It'll keep you from exploding later. Always remember you have some family that does understand, is proud of you, and is happy for you that you're on your way. Spoiler: It's us. ;D
love,
-maggie
Quote from: Magdalena on October 28, 2013, 09:47:49 AM
Tarah, I just want to give you a hug. :icon_hug:
Would sitting down with them and trying to guide them through what you just said work? You're finally doing what's best for you, it's what most family member say they want. Maybe calmly and rationally explain how you know it's difficult for them (we both know it's incredibly hard on you, too), but it was that or live the rest of your life in misery, maybe suicidal misery. Isn't alive better than the alternative?
Also maybe letting them vent and just get their emotions out is how they're going to work it through. You've totally changed who they thought you were, you've shaken some serious pillars of their lives.
I call what you are is "strong," too. Stronger for having to suffer the slings and arrows of your family's issues. Keep on venting here, it's what we're here for. It'll keep you from exploding later. Always remember you have some family that does understand, is proud of you, and is happy for you that you're on your way. Spoiler: It's us. ;D
love,
-maggie
Maggie,
Thanks :D I wasn't in a state to respond to this when I saw it, then I lost this thread... sorry!
I'm in a better place now. The bad weekend I had last week has passed... things aren't exactly better socially, but I am better mentally. Some people just need to understand that telling someone off for trying to be themselves after being hidden for so long is a lot like telling off a cancer patient for causing her family pain. . . you just don't do that. I'm not trying to compare us directly to cancer survivors, but there are a lot of parallels that others ignore. Work with me, not against me or without me, and
everyone will be happier! It'll still be difficult on all the family, but we'll all be happier than if they store up the pain and lash out at me.
Thanks again, and I LOVE Susan's! ♥