Hello everyone,
Like many others I have been hovering around for a while before taking the plunge. After making a couple of posts that attract and hold a special interest for me I have nervously decided to introduce myself. I have been very impressed and encouraged by the love, care and humour you show toward to each other and would like to become a member of your lovely family. I am rather shy by nature and can be somewhat withdrawn into myself, but anyway here goes...
This is who I am within....
I wrote the following, which is an edited account of when I became aware of being transgendered and not a freak, at the request of my therapist as background information for her prior to our first Skype meeting. For me it proved to be a valuable therapeutic experience in its self.
I suppose the place to start is at the beginning... before my school days! I remember being so very, very sad when first I understood that I was not a girl and could not change into being a girl. I was so sad, I was utterly heartbroken. I was aware, even at that very young age, of mourning for the loss of myself. It was as though my inner self-understanding of who I was had died because I did not have a tangible reality of self as being a girl. I wasn't a girl and could never become a girl. I didn't cry: I was numbed, I was beyond tears.
I don't remember with clarity how I came to the knowledge that I would never ever be a girl; it is shrouded in a partially remembered very painful encounter with one or both of my parents. Following this encounter, I recollect having a distinct sense that I was not to talk about wanting to be a girl ever again, and that this self-understanding of who I am was to be a secret locked inside me forever. I was a boy and had to act like a boy or be a sissy. I had such a terrible longing within me to be a girl, to realise the true actuality of self. The seed of a future sense of being a freak had now been sown.
I remember walking in my mother's high heeled shoes wrapped in a shawl or head scarf or something of the like. I recall the image of me being dressed in that way; it is forever connected in my memories with mourning for the loss of me not being a girl. I don't have the words to express the pain and loss I felt at that juncture in my life. Simply this, coming to the full realisation that I was not and could never be a girl was dreadful; I actually felt I had been given a living death sentence. All I could see within me was darkness, near total darkness: this truly is not a fantasy.
I fully recall staring into the darkness of a living death. An image of my future life as a boy came to mind; it seemed to me as though I was looking at myself. I was standing, near the entrance door, in a long dark room or corridor, my back and palms of my hands pressed against a long side wall, looking sideways toward a vague shaft of light at the far end that somewhat lifted the darkness. It is an enduring image fixed in my mind. I was wholly conscious of these thoughts at the time they occurred: they have stayed with me. I want you to clearly appreciate these recollections are not present day fanciful projections.
The idea of being regarded a sissy was something that horrified me so I became a little boy who was afraid of his secret longing being found out. The only way to console myself was to dream of being a girl. For many years beginning in my pre-school days, continuing throughout my early childhood, I closed my eyes to sleep each night with the image of being a girl. I imagined myself singing and dancing with other girls, some younger and some older than myself, but all pre-teen. On many occasions these bedtime imaginings turned into wonderful dreams. This was my only consolation for how I perceived myself within as a person.
These remembrances have been with me throughout my life, has have two other unconnected defining events from my pre-school days. I deeply, deeply grieved for the loss of my perceived true self. I did not, nor could not; talk of my inner feelings and turmoil with anyone. My wife was the first person I spoke to of my hidden self. It was during the month of August of this year, whilst we were holidaying.
Well that's how it all began for me..
Looking forward to meeting you... :)
Hi Talitha, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 8191 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
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Janet )O(
Welcome my new little sister! You have made a very good call joining here and a big "YES", welcome to the family. This family has strong roots, sturdy branches and a few nuts and I love them all. You will find this family soooo addictive and time will fly. There is no way you can remain shy in this family. This place is so full of support, information and fun I hardly go to any other site on the net. I look forward to getting to know you through your post's and interactions. PM me if you ever need ANYTHING. You can cry, rant or share good news. I and the others are here for you. BIG HUG!! :)
Hi Talitha, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm up near Boston. You know how to spell humour. You're going to be my favourite. You have my word of honour. See you around, hugs, Devlyn
Hi, Talitha! ;D
Welcome to the family. (I think I might be one of the nuts that Jessica mentioned.) You're not a freak, you're a girl (your true self is still in there) trying to cope with what seems like a nearly insurmountable problem. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Smile, you're not alone anymore. You have us. Lean on us, laugh with us, ask many questions, we won't judge. We love you just the way you are. I promise, everything's going to be okay.
::hugs::
-maggie
:icon_caffine: Maggie! You are not a nut, just a squirrel with a Red Bull addiction! ;D
:P
See Talitha, you are going to love it here!! :laugh:
Welcome my new little sister! You have made a very good call joining here and a big "YES", welcome to the family. This family has strong roots, sturdy branches and a few nuts and I love them all. You will find this family soooo addictive and time will fly. There is no way you can remain shy in this family. This place is so full of support, information and fun I hardly go to any other site on the net. I look forward to getting to know you through your post's and interactions. PM me if you ever need ANYTHING. You can cry, rant or share good news. I and the others are here for you. BIG HUG!! :)
Thank you all so much for you lovely warm welcome...to be called sister is wonderful. Big hugs in return to you my lovely sisters :) :) :)
Hi, Talitha! ;D
Welcome to the family. (I think I might be one of the nuts that Jessica mentioned.) You're not a freak, you're a girl (your true self is still in there) trying to cope with what seems like a nearly insurmountable problem. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Smile, you're not alone anymore. You have us. Lean on us, laugh with us, ask many questions, we won't judge. We love you just the way you are. I promise, everything's going to be okay.
::hugs::
-maggie
Hi Maggie,
I'm gradually overcoming thoughts of being freakish. Until August of this year that is how I perceived myself. I had no awareness of transgender; I didn't know such a condition existed. Since August I have devoured an enormous amount of information accompanied by a great deal of personal relief in coming to know and realise that I'm not alone, I'm not alone.
It truly is an amazing feeling of relief, I'm not alone, I'm not a freak! I have sisters across the whole wide world just like me. It's an incredibly wonderful feeling.
Susan is a wonderful woman for providing us this opportunity to meet each other.
Hugs and God bless you and all my sisters, Talitha :) :) :)
Hi, Talitha! ;D (I love that name, btw!) Welcome!
I thought I was a freak for most of my life. I believed it wholeheartedly for a long time. I was born female, but inside I am male. Always have been, a fact that I have now started to come to terms with. I would always look at other girls and wonder why I couldn't just be like them and feel okay with it, but I never could. I rebelled as a teenager, only dressed in t-shirts and jeans. Nobody could get me in a skirt or dress and make-up was out of the question. I just wanted to be one of the guys, but I was always left out of all the things the boys were doing just because I happened to be female. When I started college, I tried to accept it more so that I could fit in better, maybe get a boyfriend. But it always felt like a compromise. I could never take pleasure in doing things that most women do and it took so much effort to try, or to fake it for the sake of being "normal". It just always felt like an act.
But now that I have found myself here, things have gotten so much better. Now that I've realized and learned to accept the truth about myself I am starting to figure out who I really am and realizing I LOVE who I am. :) This is the happiest I have been in a long time. It's so wonderful to have a place you can come to and just be yourself (no matter how nutty you are XD) and learn and explore and make friends. It's just so freeing! And yes, you are definitely not a freak! You are a beautiful, strong and wonderful woman, and my new sister! And don't you forget it! ;) And as your new brother, I'll happily beat up anyone who gives you a hard time! You just let me know! :icon_boxing: ;D Heh heh.
A few nuts? You couldn't possibly be talking about me, could you? Hehehehehee... :icon_crazy: *does a dork dance* :icon_geekdance:
~Kai :eusa_whistle:
Welcome to Susan's Talitha!
This place is absolutely wonderful! In just a few days, everyone here has been able to make this feel like a home. Okey, it did not really take much more then a day :P
In a very similar sense, I grew up dreading that I was not born a male. Every time I had the chance as a kid, I would put on baggy jeans and a hoody, go out and call myself Dennis. Then when I got older, it was Lárus (a male name in my country) and then before my teens it was Devon. But, when I turned thirteen, I was given make up and skirts, and I was told I had to be a girl.
Later on, as I continued to get older, I tried very much suppressing the boy within. The one I thought had died when I turned thirteen. Then I just couldn't take it anymore, and everyone here has been absolutely great help here. I think this became a lot longer then I had originally planned to write xD
Anywho! Here's your puppy, some chocolate and welcoming confetti! It is always great to have a new sister.
-Dalex
Hi and welcome to Susan's!
I'm sure you'll find excellent information and excellent friends to talk to here.
You haven't just joined a site, but you have joined a family.
My brothers Dalex and Kai, thank you so much for your lovely warm welcome and for sharing some of your own stories. :) :)
As all my sisters have assured me: I'm sure I will feel very much at home amongst all of you, especially as I get to know you more and my shyness recedes.
To be accepted for who I am, conversing, revealing my true self without the disguise of my outward appearance takes some getting used to, but at the same time liberatingly wonderful.
Thank you all for making this new experience of being myself possible.
Hugs and God bless, Talitha :) :) :)
PS, thank you for the compliment Kai, :) Talitha Cumi means 'arise little girl'
You are most welcome Talitha :)
And, a suiting name if I say so myself ;) Arise little girl, a beautiful meaning for a beautiful name.
Greetings, Talitha - and welcome.
The 'freak' piece is something I know I have struggled with - and continue to struggle with - a great deal. Coming here has already been such an enormous step in beginning to unwind the stranglehold this horrible perception has had on my life since - well, probably since those long ago, early days you point toward.
It is such a revelation to have someone write back, 'I know exactly what you are speaking to!' So healing to read another's account and feel a spark of recognition ignite in myself! How rare, I realize, such feelings have been for me.
I wish you all the best here. May you find what is needed.
And congratualtions!
Thank you so much for your welcoming sentiments and thoughts Tanya. :)
Beginning to realise that one is not alone, that one's experience of self is not unique but is shared in some measure by others serves to dispel a learned response of self-disparagement.
Thank so much Tanya for responding. I hope that what I have revealed of my own journey helps you as much as your encouraging words have helped me. I look forward to getting to know you. Thank you... :)
God bless, Talitha
I'm a little late to the party, but greetings, Talitha! :)
Thank you J for your kindness, Hugs Talitha :)
Hi Talitha. Welcome to the family. Here's a cup of coffee and some cookies.
Hugs,
Cindy
Thank you CindyCD, love your hair :)
Quote from: Talitha Cumi on October 28, 2013, 07:00:01 PM
I remember being so very, very sad when first I understood that I was not a girl and could not change into being a girl. I was so sad, I was utterly heartbroken. I was aware, even at that very young age, of mourning for the loss of myself. It was as though my inner self-understanding of who I was had died because I did not have a tangible reality of self as being a girl. I wasn't a girl and could never become a girl. I didn't cry: I was numbed, I was beyond tears.
Hi again, Talitha. I'm offering a second welcome because somehow I found myself re-reading your introduction without realizing I had said 'Hello' already! Imagine my surprise when I came across a post from 'another' Tanya W! I was shocked! Then a bit embarrassed...
Anyway, I want to say 'Thank you' for the passage you shared above. One of the many things I find wonderful (and, honestly, painful) about this place is when other members give voice to my experience - often before I am actually aware it has been my experience.
Such is the case with your sadness and heartbreak. Especially these words: "It was as though my inner self-understanding of who I was had died because I did not have a tangible reality of self as being a girl." This is
so how I felt when I first realized I was not a girl. A certain measure of self-understanding was lost in that moment and, I am beginning to understand, never really replaced with anything else. I wasn't a girl. I wasn't a boy. I had never heard of trans... I feel I have lived a lifetime adrift because of this loss.
Another wonderful thing about this place: So many here have gone through / are going through something similar. And while our responses to this situation may vary wildly, they are nonetheless responses. It is so great to hear from folks as they try things out, take both big steps and small, win insights and discoveries. I feel like so many of the posts here reach back to my lost self from long ago and say, 'Hey, look at what's possible.' These words are so good to hear.
So thanks for the intro and welcome aboard - again!
Talitha, you have written my own story with great eloquence. Thank you.
And welcome. :) As you've already seen, Susan's is a wonderful home for such as we. ;)
Quote from: Talitha Cumi on November 26, 2013, 11:30:45 AM
Thank you CindyCD, love your hair :)
Your welcome Talitha. Thanks for the complement. I struggled with a couple of different styles, but I think that's the one for me.
Thank you again Tanya W for your warm welcome, also thank you Robin Mack. I agree with both of you in your sentiments, Susan's :angel: is a wonderful gift to all of us.
Susan's has introduced me to you my dearest sisters and brothers :) with whom I share such a similar experience of the most fundamental part of my being as person, for that I am eternally grateful.
I too have read my life experience written by you and so many others here in varius posts and topics.
It's amazing, wonderful and so very comforting to understand how similar are our experiences, :) it truly does make us family :) :) :)
Hugs Talitha :)
welcome and your on a nice road in discovering and being your self. You are a girl at heart in how you express yourself.
Talitha, It was good for you to post in detail of your life situation. Every member of Susan's Place care about you. They are all very caring & supportive girls/women.
My childhood & early life were very similiar to yours it seems. Be proud of yourself, enjoy yourself as a girl or woman. And if you can move forward to living one life as a woman. Some will accept you & some will not however you should be proud to be a girl/woman. Live your life for yourself not for others.
Good luck girl friend.
Quote from: izzy on November 27, 2013, 05:56:44 PM
welcome and your on a nice road in discovering and being your self. You are a girl at heart in how you express yourself.
Its a lovely road Izzy, I love the metaphor - it has an endurance and a firmness of purpose about it. Thank you for recognising me as a girl at heart :). Hugs Talitha
Quote from: FrancisAnn on November 27, 2013, 07:21:31 PMIt was good for you to post in detail of your life situation. Every member of Susan's Place care about you. They are all very caring & supportive girls/women.
Be proud of yourself, enjoy yourself as a girl or woman. And if you can move forward to living one life as a woman... Good luck girl friend.
Girl friend, these words sound lovely to hear in my heart, thank you FrancisAnn, girl friend... Hugs Tailtha :)
And yes, Susan's Place :angel: is a wonderful place... I don't the have words to describe how wonderful Susan's Place :angel: really is :) :) :) :) :) :)
Hi Talitha,
Sorry I'm very late in. But welcome to the madhouse!
Hugs
Cindy
"It is wonderful to be here on just the other side of intimacy (L. Cohen)"
Aha ha, Cindy.
It can't be such a madhouse when you listen to Leonard Cohen LOL, and words such as you record above express my experience of Susan's so eloquently :) :) :).
Cindy, thank you for introducing me to his music, it's wonderful :) :) :) Hugs Talitha
Welcome to the fold. Enjoy and communicate. We all need some love from each other.
Dina