I have been mulling this over since reading some posts last night and earlier today. I actually almost got out of bed around 3 am in order to do this, but the pull of a warm comforter was just a bit too much! 'I'll do it tomorrow,' I told myself, all full of good intentions. Much of today has been going back and forth on this...
Though I have struggled with my experience of gender since forever, though the issue has been pretty near the front of the line these last several years, very much front and centre for about eighteen months, I have never identified as transgendered. I have reluctantly used terms like 'gender situation' and 'gender variant' and 'gender incongruent' - all of which have had their value - but I have never used any overtly 'trans' terminology in pointing to my own experience/identity.
There's a lot of fear in this fact. A whole lot of judgement. Tons of uncertainty. I mean 'transgendered' is a pretty big tent! Where, exactly, do I fit beneath this enormous canopy? Over there? Over here? Certainly not in that direction!?!
This has come up in therapy, how I seem to lack a language - or have not embraced a language - that adequately expresses my experience. In a totally appropriate moment my therapist observed, 'In the absence of adequate language, you kind of don't exist.' Which is how I have felt for so very, very long: Like I don't exist. And like any bits of me that do somehow see the light of day are totally freakish and flawed and unlovable and...
Well, since coming here not too long ago something in this sense of not existing has shifted. I have read posts by others that have so totally resonated with my own experience in ways I never thought possible. I have had folks reply to some of what I've written with words that I have never, ever heard before - 'I know what you are going through', 'That pretty much describes me', and so on.
All of which has brought me to a place where I finally want and am able to say what I have never said before. It feels like it is time. It feels like I am ready to exist just a little bit more, to - dare I say it - live just a little more fully! So here goes:
My name is Tanya and I am transgendered.
*hugs*
I'm literally typing through tears right now (it's been an emotional day). Congratulations, Tanya, and welcome. It's not an easy road, but for some of us it's the only road that can lead to fulfillment.
It took me some time, too. Know this, you are *not* alone, and you are loved.
<All in unison> Hi Tanya!
We had an article here awhile back about "transgendered" which I was guilty of using. It pointed out that you wouldn't call President Obama "blacked" or call someone from Rome "Italianed"
Alright, class is over! Hugs, Devlyn
Robin, save me some tissue's! I am crying like a newborn!
Tanya I am so proud of you!!! I know what it took to say that out loud, but you did it girl! You have taken a giant, high heeled step in becoming who you know inside you need to be. I am happy, crying and remembering when I said that myself. You are my new sister now and a member of our family. I don't know how you found us, but now that you have you have so much support now it may be a little overwhelming at times. You will find all of the support, knowledge, caring and fun you will need to be successful and smart about your quest. I so look forward to getting to know you better around here. PM me if you ever need anything at all. First, here is a "BIG HUG" to start your new journey with.
Congrats Tanya on finally conquering one of the biggest hurdles...coming out to yourself! Wherever that leads you on your path to happiness, at least you are stronger now having at least said those words and being able to move forward.
congrats Tanya!
My pastor once told me, "Words are powerful; they create our reality." Language is the primary tool I use to understand the world around me and to describe myself. I don't think its so much that you didn't exist without adequate language, but it can be very hard to find one's place without it.
Yes, saying it gives it weight, gives it substance.
Welcome to the kindred.
You are now assimilated, welcome to the hive...
:P
Hi Tanya!
*hugs*
I like transgendered as the noun form, at least, if for no reason other than nouns ending in r are usually occupations. I don't think that is our occupation, though I might be a little preoccupied with it at times.
The largest step is over. Congrads.....
Hugs,
Jen
Beautiful, Tanya. You're still not alone, I'm transgender, too. :icon_love:
Your bravery knows no limits. Yay!
love,
-maggie
Quote from: Joules on October 29, 2013, 09:47:13 PM
How do you feel now?
Hey All,
Many, many thanks for the support and encouragement and comments. There has been so much to assimilate over the last twenty-four hours. Joules' question has been resonating strongly throughout: How
do I feel?
Tired is the first thing that comes to mind. Like I have suddenly released a lifetime of tension and am feeling the cost of the enormous effort I have exerted for so long. My cells honestly feel like they are aching - each and every one of them! There's a nice quality to this release - say 'Ahhhh' - but also a heightened sense of the not so nice sense rub that exists between the body I know I have been given and the body/mind I often feel from the inside.
Naked is the second way I feel right now. Here's the secret I have held since I was maybe eight years old - before I knew about gender or trans or any of this stuff, back when I knew only that there were 'boys' and there were 'girls' and something about this set up both felt very wrong and very sad to me. So here it is out in the open: I am trans. Oh my god, it felt like peeling off skin to come back in this forum today.
Which perhaps brings me to the third reply I can offer Joules' question: Thankful. What a great thing to have a therapist who suggests I explore 'speaking' out in an online forum. What a great thing to find a forum that feels to fit. What a great thing to be able to say 'it' in a way that feels safe, protected, supported, okay for me. What a great thing to feel naked. Painful - yes. Awkward - yes. But I never expected to feel this way,
ever. It's kind of like I'm a little more alive today.
And exhausted I say, circling back to the beginning. Off to bed it is for me. Perhaps I'll watch a movie as I doze. Let myself be wrapped in a warm comforter, supported by a bunch of pillows. Good night all. I am sure we will speak again.
Quote from: TanyaW on October 31, 2013, 01:12:06 AMI am sure we will speak again.
Of course we will baby! Family members talk to each other all the time and you ARE family. You were adopted! Now we get to find out ALL about you and you US. Sleep well baby girl! BIG HUG! :)
Hi Tanya and welcome to Susan's.
Here you'll find a lot of great information and a lot of great people to share your accomplishments with and your stories with.
Welcome to our family :)
Congratulation Tanya, and hugs from me too! If you accept that "transgender" is a wide ranging description it should be easier. We don't all follow the same path by any means, but I think we all agree we are not where society wants to put us.
I agree with what many others have said; coming out to yourself is the biggest step. Because that means you're the first person who accepts you for who you are :)
*big hugs*
Hi Tanya and congrats to on your coming out to yourself. I didthe same thing over eight years ago. From then to now it's been full speed ahead.
:)
A big WELCOME to you Tanya. You are in a good place with lots of friends to offer love and support.
You are safe here.
Love,
Ciara.
Welcome Tanya,
The hardest part is to start, welcome.
i am fairly new here too, and enjoy the journey once you begin.
I'm not saying you ought to do anything Tanya, but I felt a real sense of satisfaction when I put the gender marker on my profile.
Quote from: Incarlina on October 31, 2013, 12:45:42 PM
I agree with what many others have said; coming out to yourself is the biggest step. Because that means you're the first person who accepts you for who you are :)
Hey Again All,
So many very helpful / insightful comments. I want to reply to a few that have really stuck in my mind over the last couple days. It's funny what comes up, doing this. A sense of 'I have already taken enough time / space here!' Makes me realize how
little time and space I have taken up thus far in my years. Such is an effect of secrets. Secret gender experience, secret abuse, secret addiction... In my last post I spoke of feeling naked. Put another way, I am not used to speaking honestly, openly, freely about myself. So it is strange, but good to do so now...
* Coming out to oneself - Is this what I've done!? I guess so, though I really didn't realize this at the time. I have wondered a lot about what this means for me - coming out to myself as trans. In many ways, it's like I have acknowledged a door that has long existed in my life - existed but not been acknowledged. In so doing, it feels like this door has swung open and I am standing at the threshold looking in while asking myself, 'Now what's in here?'
* Transgender - Mary wrote of the value in "accepting transgender as a wide ranging description" and goodness does this make sense to me. Some of my hesitation in embracing this term is a reflection of a reluctance to step into yet another 'box'. I have spent decades living in a this is 'boy' and this is 'girl' world - and the effects have been downright soul destroying.
Whenever transgender is used in a similar way (i.e.: as a box), I feel like I am poised on the verge of insanity. I tell someone about my gender experience and they (understandably given the binary orientation of our culture) come back with, 'So you are a woman in a man's body, then'. It makes me want to scream. Perhaps this is the experience of some trans folk - maybe it's even my experience, I don't know - but 'Please, please don't box me in like that' I want to say. The usefulness of 'transgender' for me lay in it's breadth as much as anything - room to breathe, room to explore, room to relax, finally!
I listened to a radio interview with a ten year old girl named Harriet the other day. She was born male bodied but lives as a girl and is working to have gender designations removed from birth certificates in this neck of the woods. I nearly wept listening to her. She is so amazing! My whole body relaxed as she talked about this - the freedom to just be me! This is what I hope 'trans' offers. And if you are interested, I posted a link to the interview under 'People News'.
* Language - Constance offered a useful refinement of my statement around language and existence: "I don't think its so much that you didn't exist without adequate language, but it can be very hard to find one's place without it. Yes, saying it gives it weight, gives it substance."
This is so helpful! Thank you! It's not that I have not existed all these years - even this feeling of non-existence could be considered evidence of existence! But an authentic, resonant sense of 'I' has been very hard to find in the absence appropriate terminology. More ephemeral than solid, I have in many ways walked through this life a ghost - or a ghost with a series of effective masks where a face might be.
Saying, 'I am trans' does provide weight and substance. On some days, 'queer' is helpful too - pointing to an existence that does not fit more conventional notions. Weight and substance is a lot easier to explore than shadow and fog; I can already feel this.
* Assimilation - "You are now assimilated, welcome to the hive..." This just made me laugh! And miss TNG a bit.
So on we go! Another day...