My name is Kayla and I joined this wonderful family just yesterday. I love it here! I attempted to come out to my parents last year by writing them a letter, but unfortunately they talked to me about it and did indeed convince me for a short while that I was not transgender and that it was just hormones and it was completely normal.
Honestly, that lasted all of about two weeks and I started to feel the desire for femininity again. In short, my parents do not believe me and it's literally killing me to have to act masculine around them all the time. I really would appreciate it so much if some people could give me some ways of feeling feminine around the house even when my parents are there. Also, some ways of expressing my femininity at school (high school) that will not cause all of my friends to turn on me and start calling me gay and making fun of me. In some ways it has gotten to the point where I feel I must limit myself because of what other people might think of me. :'(
Kayla
Be yourself. Don't be femme. Don't be macho. Be YOU. If that is femme, then screw anyone who can't accept it. I'm pretty femme in a dykey punk sort of way and that's me. Whoever u are is A okay.
Thank you and femme is me :D It's still gonna be hard to be me at home tho, considering the fact that my parents don't agree with it. I've been caught shaving my legs before and got yelled at and grounded :-\
Kayla, would your parents be OK with you talking to a therapist? They don't necessarily need to know why at first, and sometimes it's better they hear this with the aid of a professional. Some parents dismiss everything their kids tell them, as it's "just coming from a kid". If they are transphobic, they probably need educated ASAP.
If you think they might throw you out or disown you altogether, you may need an alternate plan. Again, please see if you can speak to professional.
They wouldn't throw me out or disown me. As for the therapist, I like the idea but I'm not sure how they would act.
I know it's hard to let it all out. It's not easy and sometimes there is backlash which is unfair. However, I have found being true to myself is more comforting than complacency. There is a false relief involved in avoiding what can happen. All I can say is that I'm shocked by how much I want to just get it out there and stop hiding when in the past I wanted to hide from everyone. Sure, I have been going through it very slowly, but I am happy with my progress and the course I am taking. I can't say how it will work out for you and don't want you to assume our experiences will be the same, but I hope you will find comfort in your transition and peace in being true to yourself. Good luck with everything! :)
I remember back a few years ago whining about how my commander was going to make me run. I didn't want to, but that's military life. A friend of mine asked how he was going to make me... Was he going run behind me and push me the whole way? Of course I said no. He said no one can MAKE you do anything. I might choose to do something to avoid certain consequences, but no one is making me.
Your parents can get mad, ground you, yell until they're hoarse, but they can't physically stop you from being you. Is it better to be grounded with silky smooth legs or ungrounded and dressed like some dude? Only you know the answer. I imagine they're trying to do what they think is best, but they're just fallible people like everyone else. I'm sure they love you a great deal, and if they see you suffering it may, eventually, get through to them just how miserable you are being a boy.
And I don't just agree with Joanna, I agree with Jill too. A therapist would be a great idea. The worst they can do is say no.
Thank you for your advice ;D
Magdalena
The problem is my parents think I'm fine with my life and suggesting a therapist might not be a good idea for my home life. While I would really love to take positive steps towards transition, I still want them to respect me.
Kayla,
You're miserable right now. It's heartbreaking. :(
They love you. Seeking help isn't going to change that. It's not weak to ask for help, it's actually showing strength to admit you can't carry the burden alone. You know more about what's right for you than they ever will. You just need to cowgirl up and stand your ground. If you don't say anything, they'll never know that you're unhappy.
I promise you that it's worth it. I know it's going to be hard to get the words out. You can do it. You are strong, I believe in you.
::hugs::
love,
-maggie
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 29, 2013, 10:46:54 PM
Magdalena
The problem is my parents think I'm fine with my life and suggesting a therapist might not be a good idea for my home life. While I would really love to take positive steps towards transition, I still want them to respect me.
Don't post your age, but I'm assuming you're a minor? If so, you will have to get your parents permission to speak to a therapists; although, you could try a school counsellor. At least talk to someone if you are worried. As for your parents, you could always tell them the therapists is for something else like depression or anxiety. They may see the eobs, so make sure it is properly coded. However, I am not sure about patient confidentiality for minors. I'm assuming your parents could learn the details of your sessions if they want to.
Thanks again for your support Maggie! However, there are also two more factors that make me kind of concerned. These being my family is christian and I have a girlfriend whose family goes to church four days a week.
Kayla
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 29, 2013, 10:46:54 PM
Magdalena
The problem is my parents think I'm fine with my life and suggesting a therapist might not be a good idea for my home life.
Is it a good idea for YOUR life or THEIRS? Sounds like for theirs dear.
I meant that me trying to do this will mess up everything at home, I will probably get yelled at quite a bit. :'(
This site is the best thing that's ever happened to me :D
BTW Maggie, I really love the cowgirl up part ;D
Baby would you rather get yelled at for a while or live in a body you despise while your chance of transitioning successfully goes away? To be miserable for life instead of just a few short years that you live with them?
I really understand where you're coming from and I really want this. I just don't want to ruin my relationship with them
Babygirl,
You can survive being yelled at, it sucks but there are worse things. How much longer can you survive denying the real you? It's okay to do some things to make people happy, but you shouldn't have to suffer just to keep people from being made uncomfortable. Teens are supposed to rebel anyway, it's another step in growing up. It's practically a rule. So, rebel. Smile, laugh, dance, shine. You deserve to be happy. Remember that, you deserve it.
They can deny that you're a girl, that doesn't mean they're right.
Remember, you're the one that convinced me that shaving my legs was a good idea. For the record, it really was. So happy I did it. :D So you're already leading the way, brave one.
love,
-maggie
I cannot thank you enough for your wonderful support. I do need to ask though. I have a girlfriend and I'm 99% sure she wouldn't support me on this
It comes back to the same point. Is being with her better than being you? I expect it's not, but that's up to you. It's my opinion that it's best to be honest than try to keep living a lie. The lie festers like an infected wound and just eats away at the relationship slowly. By being honest she'll be hurt at first, but she'll get over and go on with her life. You will have spared the two of you months of prolonging a painful thing.
That is, of course, just my opinion, I'm no relationship scientist. (I am a Fungineer, but that's another matter.)
To be clear, "honest" can simply mean telling her you want to break up without telling her that you're actually a girl, too. That's also up to you, you're going to have to decide the best way.
Hope this is a little helpful...
-maggie
It helps a little. I just want to be me.
Kayla, You can not go through life trying to please everyone else. You need to live your life for you. If you are not happy with yourself how can you expect to make others happy? And don't you think others will sense that something is weighing you down?
You are young yet, you should find yourself and do whats right for you.
Live your life as you see fit.
Thanks for the support Bethany
You might be surprised- just because someone is very religious does not mean that they won't accept and support ->-bleeped-<-. There are links everywhere, and a lot of people go through this or know someone that has gone through it. I was so surprised when my [very Christian and very Midwestern] mom's side of the family accepted me with open arms- I had been thinking I would be somewhat ridiculed when I came out to them... but not at all.
I second the suggestions to ask for therapy, but it is all in the delivery of the request that matters right now because you don't want to upset things at home. Maybe instead of focusing on the fact that what you feel inside is that you are female, focus on explaining to them the growing anxiety it causes you in life and the need to talk with someone experienced about it.
Maybe even say something to them like, "I need to know if what I feel inside of me is real, because I can sense that it is beginning to feel like a burden and I want to nip it in the bud now before it becomes a problem"... So basically avoiding the parts that they are not ready to believe yet and instead talking about a growing discomfort you have with yourself. Avoid being so decidedly trans, and they will likely let you have your therapy in hopes that it will "fix" you. Even if your goal is to not be "fixed" in the way that they would like (for you to remain cis male), a therapist is the first and strongest step towards proper treatment. Depending on where you live, therapy IS the first door you have to walk through if you do decide to transition. So, you might as well at least try to ring the doorbell now ;)
In the case with loving parents (which you obviously have) they almost always do come to accept you- and it doesn't even have to be hard. The therapist is your ticket in, because I agree that hearing it from a professional is likely going to help them accept it sooner.
In the meantime try to allow them to see the discomfort it causes you, but don't at all become a burden on them. If they can easily see you are still trying to succeed and are failing or frustrated, they will become concerned. However conversely if they see you becoming a ball of negativity that complains about everything, they probably won't like it too much. Either way as loving parents they will eventually have to give in and let you have your therapy. You have more say in it than you might imagine.
Don't worry, stay strong, and thoughtfully communicate your discomfort to your parents. It may take a little effort on your part, but over time they will get it and you will be able to get the ball rolling. I can tell that you are a sweet individual, and because of that I am very confident you're going to get through this just fine :)
Jenny, Wow! Thank you so much for the great advice. I'm actually living in the Midwest so I can connect.
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 29, 2013, 10:02:00 PM
My name is Kayla and I joined this wonderful family just yesterday. I love it here! I attempted to come out to my parents last year by writing them a letter, but unfortunately they talked to me about it and did indeed convince me for a short while that I was not transgender and that it was just hormones and it was completely normal.
Honestly, that lasted all of about two weeks and I started to feel the desire for femininity again. In short, my parents do not believe me and it's literally killing me to have to act masculine around them all the time. I really would appreciate it so much if some people could give me some ways of feeling feminine around the house even when my parents are there. Also, some ways of expressing my femininity at school (high school) that will not cause all of my friends to turn on me and start calling me gay and making fun of me. In some ways it has gotten to the point where I feel I must limit myself because of what other people might think of me. :'(
Kayla
Hi Kayla. I'm trans. I'm also a parent, so I can understand how your parents reacted they way they did last year.
You really need to be the authentic you. I don't want to lose any more of my younger sisters and brothers here. I care for each and every one of them, like my own kids.
If one of my kids had come to me and said they were transgendered, say 7 years ago, I think I might have related, from my own experiences at that age, but I would have sought out a counselor for them. I am not going to risk my own kid's life because I don't "get it."
My suggestion to you would be to tell your parents that your gender issues are persistent, and that you don't think this is a "phase." Tell them you would like to speak with a professional, neutral, counselor. I do know they will be concerned. They might even be frightened or confused. That is why you have to be steadfast.
I am not a professional counselor. But have I have never heard of a cisperson having this sort of gender dysphoria long-term. That should be a clue.
I wish you the best, hon.
Thank You Jamie
I think you've been getting some really great advice here. The only thing I have to add is just to reaffirm what a few others have said. Deal with this now. Do whatever it takes to let you feel good about yourself and the way you relate to the world. Don't try to repress yourself to make other people happy, or to fit in better. It will only make you miserable in the long run. Take it from someone with a little experience in that area. Just be yourself. If anyone has a problem with it, it's their problem, not yours.
I can't tell you what it will take to make you feel good about yourself. Only you can do that. But I think based on what you've said, getting counseling should definitely be your first priority. But whatever you do, don't listen to other people too much. Figure out what it is you want and go for it. If someone tells you what you're doing is wrong, don't let them talk you into believing it. As long as what you're doing isn't hurting anyone, they have no basis for questioning it other than their own personal bias. It's going to be tough sometimes, but at the very least, if you do your best now, you'll have nothing to regret in the future.
Just remember- those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
We all lose friends and family over this, but frankly, I'm one to say "good riddance" to those who mind. Life's too short.
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 30, 2013, 12:16:13 AM
Jenny, Wow! Thank you so much for the great advice. I'm actually living in the Midwest so I can connect.
I think I did sense the midwest in you because it's in me too :)
Anyway that's great! What part? I grew up near Dayton and lived in Columbus for a long while, too.
It seems like our families might be quite similar and I'm glad to be able to offer you some advice.
What made me think of it was this moment during HS when I was really coming to terms with my own feeling of gender discomfort and tried to ask for therapy. As soon as I was in front of my parents ready to speak, I crumbled and couldn't do it. Instead, I told them I had tried marijuana which I knew would concern them. The good part was that they brought me to a counselor who I eventually talked to about my gender non-conforming tendencies- and it was nice to have at least one person I could talk to. The problem was, I had no idea what gender non-conforming even was at the time- and neither did he (he was a drug counselor :P). That is another thing, make sure you seek help from a therapist that specializes in gender. If I had been given proper help, it would have been obvious that I was trans. With unspecialized help, I was told I had a fetish which made me bottle it up trying to ignore it for over a decade longer. Not that I'm complaining, though. I don't have any regrets because I've been expressing myself in my own way the whole time- even if it was more difficult and in private for a while ;)
And on that note...
Quote from: Miyuki on October 30, 2013, 01:31:34 AM
It's going to be tough sometimes, but at the very least, if you do your best now, you'll have nothing to regret in the future.
+1
THIS
Simply cannot agree more! :D
I'm from the Kansas City area :)
Kisses,
Kayla
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 29, 2013, 10:40:25 PM
They wouldn't throw me out or disown me. As for the therapist, I like the idea but I'm not sure how they would act.
A good therapist will find the truth of your dsyphoria, in that way he/she would in fact help you to help your parents understand.
Thanks for the feedback Alex :)
Thanks for the support Miyuki
I added you to my buddy list Jenny :)
Midwesterners!
Kayla
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 30, 2013, 02:09:51 AM
I'm from the Kansas City area :)
In the early 90's I lived in Columbia (mid Missouri) a college town. I came home saying things like "do what now", and my table manners have changed (LOL) I never could chop my food up with the side of my fork, now I find myself doing it...and no one else does it here. Talk about embarrassing LOL ;D
Lol :)
Hi Kayla
I work (unpaid ::) as a support therapist for families with transgender children and have the pleasure of meeting families who are trying to deal with their much loved child who is going through changes and life that they as parents cannot understand.
They have common feelings. One which is very high is 'will my child be accepted?' 'will my child be able to have a normal life?' 'what do we do to make our child happy?'
They meet me. A transgender woman who is a Prof, who is successful, happy and outgoing, who lives her life and who is treated as a very normal woman. Usually I end up in a situation with a mother who realizes she has a daughter and looks forward to loving her and a father who becomes very protective of his new daughter and who walks as proudly as any new Dad can.
It is as big if not bigger journey for them as it is for you. It takes time, but it happens.
Tell your parents how unhappy you are and that you need to see a gender therapist.
The first step is the biggie.
Your Mum and Dad love you. You are their much loved offspring.
Talk to them, quietly, in private and in confidence. Tell them you need to talk. Then talk and spill your heart out.
Hugs
Cindy
Hi Kayla,
I agree that you should be taking this up with a therapist. Aside from helping you to deal with this, a good therapist can also help your parents to understand what you are going through and hopefully become more supportive. More importantly, you may be able to get on T-blockers and avoid any additional masculinization.
While this is the ideal option, you yourself are still the best judge of whether this is a topic you can discuss with your parents. It could turn out either better than you expect or worse than you can imagine.
If you still can't tell your parents then, depending on your state, you may still be able to go to a therapist and be treated as an adult under HIPPA for purposes of disclosure. The best way to determine what the laws are in your state are to call a local gender therapist and ask them what their policies and requirements are for disclosure and informed consent. You will still need to come up with payments to keep this on the QT, but some states have disclosure exceptions for minors seeking therapy.
That said... if you feel like you are at a roadblock here until you turn 18, there are still things you can do while you wait.
1) If you are worried about your friends making fun of you at school... make some new friends. See if your High School has some sort of Gay-Straight alliance group that you can join. If not at your high school, see if there is a youth group in your community. The whole social acceptance thing doesn't necessarily get better after high school so you may as well start looking now for friends and allies who will accept you for who you are.
2) Sorry to say, but the same goes for your girlfriend... If you truly intend to transition then it is a bit unfair to bring your girlfriend along for the ride without telling her up front. Transitioning is hard, but it will be hard for her as well if she decides to stay with you through your transition. You need to give her the opportunity to decide for herself if this is something she is willing to deal with. If you still can't bear to tell her... Well at least don't lead her on.
3) Improve your hygiene. Being girly requires a lot of maintenance. Set up a beauty routine for your hair, skin and nails. There are a lot of things you can do without blowing your 'guy' cover. Guys can be fashionable too. Use sunscreen and moisterizer... buff your nails... do something different with your hair each month... dress nicely... lose weight if you need to... Think of being a fashionable guy as the dress rehearsal for being a fashionable girl. If your friends give you grief, see step 1.
4) Drop any "guy" activities that you don't enjoy but feel peer pressured into doing. Hate Sports? Then don't feel like you have to play 'em or talk about 'em. Find other more neutral interests that you do enjoy.
5) Develop some job skills. If you suspect your parents will cut you off when you turn 18 and start transitioning, prepare ahead of time to support yourself. Get a part-time job and save up for therapy, or moving out or to pay for college... or whatever else you may want to do. If you become financially self-sufficient then it's possible to petition to become an emancipated minor, in which case you'll be able to make your own life decisions before age 18.
6) Work on your feminine voice. This is another great step to take when you don't have the resources or freedom to immediately pursue your transition. Search Youtube for "transgender female voice" for some great how-to's
7) Join your High School Drama Club. You'll probably meet a number of great and supportive people there... plus it gives you free license to play with makeup.
8 Look for options and support outside of your current community or church. You mentioned that your parents and your girlfriend's family are christian. If being christian is a large part of your family's identity then find a progressive and LGBT tolerant church to join. Invite your parents to attend church with you. Surrounding them with more tolerant role models may help to them to become less intolerant.
9) Become serious about becoming a responsible and independent adult. Start making plans for your future and working towards them. When you tell your parents about your decision to transition it will be harder for them to discount it as a phase or a mistake if they see you making other responsible decisions and working towards becoming independent. Best Case... they'll be worried but will still respect you. Worst Case... you'll be well set up to make a go of life on your own.
10) Join a social dance club. Learning to partner dance can teach you poise and grace and can introduce you to lot of interesting people. I'd recommend checking out Blues Dance, Swing Dance and Blues Fusion social dance groups. In my experience these are the ones that are most open to having either gender leading or following.
You'll definitely want to avoid the more macho latin and tango scenes though.
I'm sure others can come up with some additional ideas. The important thing is to feel like you are moving forward towards your goal.
All said, do look into therapy as soon as you can though.
Thanks Ladies for all the great advice you've given me so far :icon_hug:
Keep it coming.
Kisses,
Kayla
I think I have got enough replies, that I'm going to attempt to ask my parents for therapy :) However, I really need to make sure I do it right because I don't want to mess this chance up :-\ Please help with your wonderful advice
Kisses,
Kayla
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 30, 2013, 07:30:09 PM
I think I have got enough replies, that I'm going to attempt to ask my parents for therapy :) However, I really need to make sure I do it right because I don't want to mess this chance up :-\ Please help with your wonderful advice
Kisses,
Kayla
I said this a few weeks back about myself and I think it is true for just about everyone. "I really didn't think I needed help until I actually got the help that I needed." Therapy is a great thing as long as it's with a understanding therapist who can stay in the neutral zone. I'm glad I found a therapist who is like that, can give me advise that I need to hear but who will also give me a healthy dose of reality when I need it too.
Times will be difficult but in the end most parents do come around. It's a tough journey to go through but only we know what that journey will be.
Quote from: Megumi on October 30, 2013, 07:41:51 PM
"I really didn't think I needed help until I actually got the help that I needed."
This is so true Megumi, thank you
Kisses,
Kayla
I'd suggest planning out your language. Talk about seeking treatment and not wanting to rush into things or make rash decisions. The conservative approach promotes confidence in your decision to seek help.
Research the therapy here first though. Parents often try to corner their children and get to the heart of the issue quick with as little BS as possible. So be prepared by doing the research first.
Where I am I see a therapist about once a month, she is okay with others attending the sessions so long as I approve first and give her advanced notice. Your parents will want to know about cost and some insurers will cover it but I recommend finding and experienced therapist with gender identity experience first and asking them how they handle it. Mine knows quite a few tricks in the medical coding world such that she can be paid and I leave no trace of my gender identity issues. After all I do have anxiety, my gender identity just happens to be a trigger for that anxiety ;) Fees from my therapist are about $120 for an hour and a half session. She also handles all referrals for me for other related appointments and makes arrangements between patients and former patients for support when she is not available.
Endocrinologists and hormone replacement therapy. I wouldn't even bring this up to your folks. You have oceans of time before this becomes a problem and confronting them with it now will most likely be met with a stone wall defense. Once you are an adult then you can seek it out and well afford it on your own.
Surgery- don't even worry about it right now. Focus on the things that you can do now like voice therapy, pose and motion, diet/exercise and learning the basics of make up. It sounds like "too little and will be too late" but it's not and a lot will change by the time you secure your education at a university or tech school. Remember we often have issues with money so don't let your skills lapse and protect your credit rating.
Support- look around or google for some LGBT or especially transgender support groups. CATS in Charleston was a great help to getting me started.
Tips and feel good junk food TV- many of our members here have these little YouTube logos under their avatars. They often have a series of videos that you can watch with stories about their transitions. We all have our favorites.
Reading- lots to do here and I'm sure that many of our members can recommend some good books on the subject. I read "Warrior Princess" the Kristen Beck story when I started down this path. It really made me feel normal amongst all my anxiety about being transgender and how wrong that felt.
Well really that's enough from me for now. Start asking more questions. We have answers from different perspectives and we come from a variety of different back grounds and career experience.
Thank you much girl!
Kisses
Quote from: kaylagirl0806 on October 30, 2013, 09:08:09 PM
Thank you much girl!
Kisses
I got kisses? I don't think that there's a lol cat to express how good that just made me feel to have helped. :)
Glad I could help ;D
I don't know if this will help you, but I've been a woman in a mans body all my life, really for too long. I'm finally changing. I've been a catholic all my life and Christ's love has always been there for me. I don't know if your religious , but god saved me from the hell of not being the woman I was . any religion can help.
Hi Kayla and welcome to our family I know all to well what your going through I came out to my wife 2 years ago and she also did not think I was trans so I could only be myself when she was not around I was so miserable now we are separated and I can honestly say that I have never been happier I can finally be myself 24/7.
Keep your chin up honey and you will find your way through this.
Emily xx
I still live at home with my parents but am in my late 20's. What I do and have done is slowly incorporate feminine stuff into my wardrobe / mannerisms. Doing too much, too quickly can lead to shock from family, friends, and co-workers. Try slowly getting to a point where nobody will ask questions. From there, hover at that status till you can add more stuff and figure out how to talk with them about the issue. At least this tactic works for me.
Hi Kayla, a lot of great advice here. Let me add a few things I hope will be of value:
1. Right now this very minute, commit to living the most authentic life you can, and learning to love yourself and be yourself no matter how long it takes.
Many trans kids get in the habit of not being themselves in all kinds of ways, not just in how they express their gender.
So in every way that it is safe to do so, start letting your true feelings, values, and personality show.
You can develope into a wonderful happy person even while working towards the day when you can be yourself gender-wise to the whole world.
2. Right this minute commit to stop pretending that you are ok when you are not. The trans kids who have the best outcomes ones who learn to stop hiding when they are sad, down, frustrated, afraid, angry, and depressed. Only if you are being abused should you hide your pain, and then only from your abuser. We don't want to lose you, and neither does your family.
3. Remember you've got your whole life to make a great life.
4. If you tell your family you are seriously depressed, they will help you see a professional. Just don't hide your unhappiness. And if you start therapy (please avoid so-called Christian counselors; you need a neutral professional) stick with it.