(Out of caution, *Possible Trigger Warning*)
Mother doesn't know when to stop. Even when I'm crying and yelling at her just to be quiet, to go away, she still doesn't know when to stop. Every time this happens, it gets worse, especially lately; this is our relationship since I can remember. I honestly don't know what it's like to trust her, and nothing will convince me that any of the "I love you"s she's stated are anything more than a script.
I want to say she's gone far enough, but I'm not even close to being independent. I can't move out, I still need to go to school, and I'll need her to pay for transition until I can go on my own. Yet every interaction just reminds me that I can't be with this person. I still wonder why I'm at all worried about hurting her, after she's been like this for so long.
I'm sick of covering my arms and legs because every time she doesn't stop, the only thing to make the pain go away is to replace it with a pain that can fade. She makes me feel horrible, already with plummeting self-esteem and depression that's been going strong since last summer. I'm scared that one of these days I'm going to do something I won't have the chance to regret.
*Sigh* At least I'm calmer now. Any of y'all, don't feel the need to reply, this was just something I've needed to vent about for a while.
Baby you vent all you need to and know we are here for you. Everyone needs someone and we are your family. I for one support you and wish you the best. Please don't hurt yourself any more. I know the pain and have gone through it myself, but it will be better some day you just have to stick it out. You ever need to talk privately just PM me and I will do what ever I can even if that is only to listen and give hugs. It will all stay between us. I have a very hurtful past myself, but my therapist is wonderful and we are working through it. Imagine having gender dysphoria and being a Paramedic/Firefighter. Might as well be a lion tamer feeding the cats while wearing a meat suit. You CAN beat this! Here is a great big "BIG HUG"! I wish it could be more, but I am here to listen and will not judge. Try to have a good day baby! :)
You are not alone. Since I am bad at words, I shall now quote Suckerpunch. Take from it what you will.
"Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things? Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free... It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"
Good luck.
A very moving and valuable quote. I'm glad you shared it.
Thanks, everyone. Sorry I've taken so long to reply and there's not much said here (Edge, I too am bad at words), but this really means a lot.