So I last saturday I went out to a bar that was having a halloween event, i took advantage of this moment and went out dressed as myself but in a "little red riding hood" costume. The reception was pretty mixed, some people were confused (probably because of my height) and others were completely convinced. As the night progressed i obviously had to go to the bathroom and thats when i started freaking out mentally... I had remembered talking to my therapist and she told me to "take advantage that its halloween and its a packed bar and just use the womens room without thinking about it too much". Eventually I was getting too nervous and slowly started walking to the guys bathroom when suddenly, the DJ stopped me and asked "oh, you're looking for the womens room right?".. and I responded "yes" so as to not look like an idiot lol, and he genuinely directed me to the girls bathroom where I waited outside because thats where my table was with my friends and wife. As I was standing there I was asked multiple times by male and female staff members as well as other girls at the bar if I was "waiting in line", before i smiled and said no and they just walked in. I felt so warm inside seeing that I was being treated like me for the first time out in public. Even afterwards, friends of my friends (who met me only once and as my male appearance) would see me and watch me and they kept telling me "oh my god its just that you even act it out so well!" they would giggle every time my feminine body language would be "on point" with casual feminine body language. Little did they know that i wasn't acting at all lol.
Even after the bar I was actually hit on by two guys and a group of guys even pulled me, my wife and my friend to dance with them 0_0 I was blown away... I literally was a bit timid the whole night because i thought I was just fooling myself and that I was completely obvious :'( but i was proven wrong I suppose. I even ran into old high school friends that couldn't believe it was me and didnt recognize me at first.
After that Saturday I posted a few of the pictures on my facebook (I currently present as male in public because I'm still in the coming out process and i happen to have TOO MUCH immediate family that see me every day >_<) and i wanted to see the reception I got from it all... I literally had 2 guy friends think I was hot before they realized it was me lol (very straight male friends) and some family members told me that I was beautiful and they couldnt believe it was me until someone pointed it out!
Heres the pic I posted:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2F5709866c17b251b4aaf606620b674482%2Ftumblr_mvleyeIUup1spk1b1o1_500.jpg&hash=61a37e335ebfea56e3b42f685fc7533bde94a1f8)
Not my best look, and not my good side either >_< but its what I had at the time so I posted it and it got SO many positive responses, people told me I was "shockingly" beautiful :P except there was this one comment left by someone i dont know that well that simply read "ew.".. so 1 negative comment out of 15 positive ones is pretty good odds LOL
Anyway, since then my real identity has just been spilling out. Hence why I call it Rebirth Halloween. I've officially accepted who I am and I see this as both a gift and a curse because now I cant begin to move forward without guilt or shame or any feelings that come with not accepting myself... but at the same time it leads me to serious sadness when I see myself in the mirror... I went waxing the other day and literally burst out in tears when i saw my body in the mirror... had my wife not been there to calm me down I would've left the place completely in tears, even though the drive home was full of me crying. Ever since this last weekend ive been spending my entire time at home in my preferred clothes and not pretending to be a guy anymore, i've been finally able to let go of my mask and be myself without caring! The only time now where I pretend is at school and at work but even so, its hard to pretend for me now, like I have to try so hard to put up a "masculine" attitude.. it weirdly makes me more happy than nervous.
Anyway... just wanted to post this in the RL Experience section because I feel this was an important marker in my journey in terms of public outtings and what not. I still have many psych appointments before I can truly get started on anything though, and while i have the contact info of different endo's in my area, i need to get a letter from my psychologist first :P
Side Note: I came out to my closest cousin.. she asked me a few questions before stopping the conversation all together... haven't heard from her since.