I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is. :icon_cry:
Big hug! I wish you were having a better day, hon. Hugs, Devlyn
*hug* This is the place for ranting, Chelsea... sometimes things just get to be too much to handle it on our own, and at least here there are sympathetic ears attached to listeners who have been there.
While I know you are tearing yourself apart over this, at least now you are seeing it and not denying it... there is much to hope for. A lot of times short fuses are a result of other problems; it is often easier to vent by bursting out than it is to deal with deeper pain. If you don't already have one, I would recommend getting a therapist with at least passing familiarity with gender issues (a gender therapist/regular therapist combo in one would be ideal) who can help you sort through things.
You are already discovering things about yourself on your own, but a therapist can help by giving you new approaches and suggestions out of their own personal experience.
Next up, there are positives. Your wife has obviously chosen *you* and stayed with *you* for a reason, even against the wishes of her family. That tells me she sees something in you, something worth sticking around for. Since you are trans and she still wants to be with you (when so many cannot bear the thought), there really must be something there. You are loved.
Now for the hard part to get to, especially when you are feeling so low. Are people, in general, worthy of happiness? Are they worthy of love? I submit that they are, and if *they* are, so are you.
*hug*
You are already embarking on a journey that will change nearly every aspect of how the world sees you... and you appear to be discovering things about yourself that you dislike. Perhaps this is an excellent time to address those and work toward a better, even more loving relationship. I know it may be hard to see now, but it's a real possibility.
Wishing you lots of love and comfort in this difficult time!
I know how bad being in a low dark place can be. I hope you can find your way to a brighter place and know that you are not alone.
Food for thought, once you get on E, your moods will likely be less aggressively angry, you will likely feel a strange sense of calm. Perhaps that will help you be able to do the things that make marriage a success and people see you as more friendly.
Hugs,
I do not know if it has been HRT or therapy or both but I have not blown up since December. I have been super calm on HRT. Perhaps T was really bad for me or my pent up fear, self haltered and dysphoria frustration. Anyhow, I am more reasoning at addressing issues and at the same time those things I use to let build I voice and address, even to my Boss. I am a different person from the past and I really like addressing issues. I use the I feel, I want I need XXX because YYY. Also, I use to get a surge of pure hatred and explode and for some reason that is gone. I definitely am tearing down my old exterior and replacing it with me and I like that.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the sympathy. It is hard sometimes, especially since no one in my family knows aside from my parents and brother. My friends are the best I have though, and they have already embraced it, albeit a bit early.
I am glad to hear about everyone else losing their anger issues. I wasn't like this in college, but something has set it off in the past few years, and I'm not sure what it is....
Being transgender is difficult enough without having to feel as though you're stringing someone else along for the ride, as well.
I can empathize with you on the other side of the coin. I have a quick anger response, I'm tense, and I seem to find irritation in the most meaningless of circumstances (IE: A door slams into me and I instantly react by punching it). I do my best to keep the way I feel inside under wraps, but I feel like I keep my girlfriend on an unnecessary edge sometimes. I never direct my anger towards her or physically aggress towards her in any way, but still. The nagging, irritable feelings are frustrating for both of us.
She has commented that she's excited for me to start T in the hopes it will level me out and take the edge off the frustrations I have with myself and I'd have to agree with her.
Don't go back into that dark place. You know you truly can't even if you want to, anyway.
She loves you. If she didn't... she'd have most certainly made tracks by now. Hopefully the E will do for you what it's done for so many others and take away the aggression and anger, but until then, you must realize that you're loved. It's easy to get wrapped up in our own struggles, but we have to appreciate the tenacity and levels of commitment our SO's demonstrate on a daily basis.
As for the higher aggression, it's likely that your dysphoria has increased with age (this is what I'm currently experiencing, anyway) and, thus, your anger and frustrations have increased. It just spills over into every single aspect of your life before you realize it.
But, you know what? You'll make it through this. You're not a bad person, you will outwardly exist as the woman you are and you have everything in you to make it.