Let me preface this post by saying that I am not looking for pity nor am I even looking for advice. I just need to get this out there and this seems like the only place that I can do so as there is really no one that I feel I can talk to (or at least do so comfortably). Therefore, please don't see this as a cry for help because the only person who can help me is myself. It's simply a public cry with no rhyme or reason. So please don't expect a well thought out or coherent post more than a ramble.
I really have reached a stand still where I no longer no where I am going or what to do with myself. Despite my certainty with transitioning and my transgender status, I just don't know if I will ever get to a good place in life. I've had some successes in my life, but they were brief and never got me further than where I was at that very moment. All my academic success means nothing in the grand scheme of things nor does my past leadership roles. They were just temporary accomplishments that really didn't move me any further from where I started. As for happiness, I guess I don't know what that feels like. Yes, I have had temporary feelings of happiness and it's not a totally foreign concept to me, but it was never anything that was long lasting. That's not to say that I have been miserable or depressed through most of my life either. Without having the ability to articulate it, I don't feel that either one of those emotions can describe how I feel. It's more of a feeling like I have been defeated and winning is not possible no matter how hard I try. Yeah, there are temp victories, but they go away and with that so does my sense of well being or positive outlook. At the end of the day, I just see my life as a losing battle. No matter how hard I try, I'm not going to win. Of course we all have our successes and failures, but I just don't see a way for me to win at the game of life. And that aurora of lingering failure and inability to succeed haunts me in terms of whether I can actually succeed in my transition and my overall hopes for a happy future. Some may say I have too many expectations; however, I don't feel that's accurate. Sure, I have my dreams and there are things that I wish become a reality. Still, I realize that life isn't always perfect and dreams don't always become true. All I really want is to be the real me without fear, enough money to make it through life, love and acceptance from my family and hopefully one day a partner and family of my own. That in itself would be a dream worth living.
At the moment, I don't see that dream ever coming true. My mother, the person who I love the most in this world, is destroying me. She thinks her tears and opposition is saving me, but all it does is put me through an emotional hell that I can't tolerate. Everyday it comes up and it never ends. I'm not expecting her to be happy with my decision. I just want her to try a little bit to empathize with me and respect me to a degree. However, my family can't understand me and don't even make the effort to try and get to that point. As a result, we always clash and fight about this. It's sad to say, but I don't know if they ever will come around. And despite my efforts to try and educate my family and work through the rough spots, there isn't any major progress. Yes, we still love each other and things have calmed down (i.e, she no longer threatens to kick me out), but it's far from ideal and I don't know if it will ever happen. The worst feeling is to know that you are viewed as a disgusting disapointment by the one you love the most. Even though she avoids saying those things, you can read it in her face. She's horrified by me and my feelings. It's really earth shattering. That's the best wya I can put it.
As for being the real me, that is complicated. I'm getting to the point where people are guessing as I have a more ambiguous appearance. I'm even embracing this with some excitement because, after all, this what most of us look forward to when transitioning. Nonetheless, there have been hardships. I've been getting nasty stares, confusing looks and even had an old women mutter "eww" at me when she noticed my newly forming breasts. I really worry about how others perceive me and can't help but notice some of the negative feedback that I've been receiving from those who stare at me. While I know who I am and how I feel, will anyone ever really embrace me? I assume most people will just see me as a disgusting trans person. What kind of guy will fall in love with someone like me? After all most men are turned off by girls like me and I can't have children so some may see a long term relationship as impossible? And what sort of people would really want to befriend a person like me? And who would want such a person for long term employment? At the end of the day, we all want to be true to ourselves, but it sucks that doing so can lead us to a lonely path. I really can't imagine being accepted as female or accepted for who I am. That's a sad possibility that I really don't want to face. And it's that very fear that keeps me from coming out and being the real me. It's that constant need to hide even when people seem to see through it.
And passing.... well, I still don't. Yeah I am more ambiguous and my hormones have finally reached an ideal level so things should start really improving, but I don't know what the future holds. I'm luckier than many transwomen in the sense that I started young an have certain beneficial traits, but will I ever compare to a cis woman? Will I ever get to feel pretty or attractive? I really don't know. Time will tell, but I'm scared. Still, I don't wish to discount my progress. I have come a long way in a short period of time and have made drastic improvements, especially in the last few weeks. But not knowing where I will end up is really hard to take and leaves me feeling worried.
As for money, the thing that sustains us, I don't know if that will ever be stable. I'm employed at the moment, but who knows what can or will happen. Life is uncertain and I suspect I will be starting from square one all over again. Let's be honest, most people don't want to hire a person that is in the midst of transition and my current job is temp with only vague possibilities of becoming permanent. I've lived the vicious cycle of unemployment for so long that the idea of facing it again terrifies me. Most people know where they are going, but I'm just making it by with what I have. To start over again and find something new in this economy is very scary. How can I live or continue without a source of income? It's a horrible feeling. In order to transition, one needs money. There really is no ifs and buts about it. You need to be able to finance it. If I can't do so, then how do I succeed in continuing my transition? I will find a way regardless because I need to do this for my own happiness and sanity, but it's so hard when you are living on the edge.
I'm sorry for the long rant, but I just feel like I am against the impossible. Victory in my life seems impossible to me and I've had so much negative reinforcement that I expect failure at all times. My past failures have conditioned me to prepare for failure and to scoff at the idea that I will overcome my struggles and find happiness or success in any avenue of life (especially transitioning). I just don't know what to do or how to keep moving forward. Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up from it. Not because I'm suicidal (I'm really not as I don't want to die), but just so I wouldn't have to get up and keep worrying about the uncertainties of my life and continue on suffering through the constant battles. It's tiresome and I just wish there was some stability in my life and that not everything would have to be a guessing game of what will be. Just a little positive feedback or some sort of improvement would be welcomed. But I realize how fickle life is and that the gamble is often against me.
In any event, sorry for rambling but I had to get this out to someone. Sorry for being a downer, but sometimes we have to let out the negativity in order to keep moving forward. And I'm sorry if this triggers anyone because I don't mean to hurt anyone through my venting. I'm just being honest about how I feel at the moment; however, there are good aspects to life as well and we should always do our best to focus on that when possible. In any case, thanks for listening to my rambling. It's therapeutic at the very least to unleash our negative feelings.
Oh LTL... I'm feeling you...
The life of a trans person is never going to be smooth sailing, but you've made so much progress and have plenty to celebrate and be happy about. How about not putting the goal posts quite so far away?
You've done what many didn't at such a young age and confronted your own gender identity. You've reached a point of self acceptance too. Doesn't this give you some strength? Certainly worth celebrating that in my opinion. And you'll always be the envy of girls like me who didn't sort all of this out younger.
You know who you are... and the world will see the same thing too soon enough. Don't worry about the stares and other reactions... It is only temporary, and you cannot control other people's attitudes or reactions. Before you know it, you'll be back to being ignored, except with perhaps more attention from guys!. How good does it feel to be developing boobs and other female characteristics?? :)
I wasn't aware of the situation with your family. I'm truly sorry that your mother is having difficulty and hope it gets better soon. People can surprise you, even family, and I hope yours do.
Yes, there's a long way to go, but look how far you've come, and you may find the hard part isn't as hard, or as far away as you thought. Four months ago I could have written most of your post... But the hard part for me is just about over... Everything just keeps getting easier and better, as it will for you.
Will we find love? No idea! But won't it be fun to try? >:-) Can you imagine your first kiss down the line? Are you looking forward to it? You'll probably be swept away, and head straight to susans to write a post. :P
Sam. xo.
LTL,
Much of what you have said about your fears is true of everyone, cis or trans, male or female. The fear is legitimate. Will I be pretty (or handsome)? Will I find love? Will I keep my job? Will I..? Will I..? Will..? All legitimate questions. You have had them for a long time. What has changed is the way you are dealing with those fears.
I have a theory that when a girl gets to a certain point in her transition, she just gets really depressed. Our female brain is maturing into a woman brain and it reaches a point where growing and dealing with the problems of transition become so much that the brain just overloads. You are in that stage. You have dealt with a lot of this most of your life and you handled it then. Handle it now.
I also believe that it gets worse. I had a post where I clearly stated that I had been through worse in my life and never thought about suicide but kept continually doing so. I think that part is still coming in your transition. Be strong, we are here.
For 17 months, I endured daily insults, nasty remarks and slights from my partner, from my wife. I won. For a while at least but there is hope that perhaps we can make forever. You have made it so far, you have done so well. Hang in there. You are an impressive and amazing woman. Remember that. I'm a scientist, I know these things....
Hugs,
Jen
Just keep in mind that you can overcome everything. I was stuck in a rut for years and didn't think I'd ever come out of it, and then one day the pieces shifted and things finally started falling into place. You just have to keep at it no matter what. And don't give in to the 'what if's'. There are places for you in the world, and people who will love you regardless. You just have to push on and find them. :)
Life is a bitch. I'm 60 years old. Wanted to be female since I was 4 tears old. I was so shy and introverted through grade school and high school I was unable to seek out help. Luckily I'm on the right path now. I also have a great love for God that kept me going. Because of my age I could care less if people look at me strange. I've found though that most people are incredibly nice. I went into a neighborhood cvs the other day with make up on and nobody gave me a second look, even thought I've been shopping there for 20 years. I just started HRT and I'm basically trying to out myself in baby steps. This definitely is not the easiest thing to do. When I get all dressed for a appt. with my counselor sooner or latter its really going to be challenging .I really have no choice though because this is who I am. I'm sorry that your mother is like that. Its going to be difficult because most people in society aren't transgender. Your the only one who truly knows if you are or not. You just have to take one step at a time. The world is open to you its all your choice.
LTL, I know how you feel... *sigh*, I haven't had a very good week myself. I don't want to go into details, but things in my family have not been going well lately, and I'm becoming increasingly doubtful that things can continue the way they are. In times like this, when things seem hopeless and you don't know what to do anymore, sometimes the only thing you can do is to just keep believing in yourself. Believing that no matter how long you have to struggle, or how much pain you have to endure, you will find a way to get to a place that makes you happy. Even if you don't know how right now, if you just keep trying your best and don't give up, things will get better eventually. How can they not, if you keep giving it everything you have? Problems don't solve themselves, but no problem is unsolvable, and no situation is impossible to overcome. Even if in the end you don't get everything you wanted (when does that ever happen?), there is simply no way to fail if you refuse to give up. There are only... momentary setbacks. ;) This is what I honestly believe, because if I didn't, I probably wouldn't be here writing this right now.
*hug*
If you will pardon a nautical metaphor...
When a ship needs to be reconstructed it is called a refit. You can do a lot of things while the ship is in the water, but sometimes the repairs required are extensive... at that point, the owner of the ship has two options: Either sail the ship until she falls apart (at great risk to the occupants!) or pull the ship out of service and put it on what is called a dry dock, where the ship is lifted out of the water so repairs can be made.
The ship is useless while it is in dry dock. No one can sail her, she just takes time and energy while the repairs are made. Every day she is not sailing costs money. But a functioning ship is a valuable thing, and that ship will be worth more when she gets back in the water than she was when she was pulled out. She'll be safer, more stable, faster, and more capable than she was before. A good refit can take a broken-down vessel and make her into a capable ship, sea worthy and ready to take any challenges she meets at sea.
Sometimes, our body is a lot like that ship. Our hearts and minds crew her. Sometimes the world hurts us so badly that we need to spend time out of it for a while to repair ourselves and transform ourselves. While this is happening, it is easy to be discouraged as the bills pile up and the worry stack grows; this is natural. What we can't see, though, while this is happening is that every bit of energy and time you put into this refitting is an investment for you and the people who know and love you. In the end you will be ship-shape and Bristol-fashion, ready to begin being more productive than you ever were before.
And yes, I'm not just writing this for you; with tears streaming down my face right now I realize I wrote it for me, too.
*hug*
Quote from: SammyRose on November 21, 2013, 09:49:05 PM
Oh LTL... I'm feeling you...
The life of a trans person is never going to be smooth sailing, but you've made so much progress and have plenty to celebrate and be happy about. How about not putting the goal posts quite so far away?
You've done what many didn't at such a young age and confronted your own gender identity. You've reached a point of self acceptance too. Doesn't this give you some strength? Certainly worth celebrating that in my opinion. And you'll always be the envy of girls like me who didn't sort all of this out younger.
You know who you are... and the world will see the same thing too soon enough. Don't worry about the stares and other reactions... It is only temporary, and you cannot control other people's attitudes or reactions. Before you know it, you'll be back to being ignored, except with perhaps more attention from guys!. How good does it feel to be developing boobs and other female characteristics?? :)
I wasn't aware of the situation with your family. I'm truly sorry that your mother is having difficulty and hope it gets better soon. People can surprise you, even family, and I hope yours do.
Yes, there's a long way to go, but look how far you've come, and you may find the hard part isn't as hard, or as far away as you thought. Four months ago I could have written most of your post... But the hard part for me is just about over... Everything just keeps getting easier and better, as it will for you.
Will we find love? No idea! But won't it be fun to try? >:-) Can you imagine your first kiss down the line? Are you looking forward to it? You'll probably be swept away, and head straight to susans to write a post. :P
Sam. xo.
I tend to give myself some hard to reach goals. Perhaps that's why I always feel like I fail because I set myself up for it. I'll consider making some short term goals that will help me reach the long term ones. Maybe that will help my outlook. For example, I came out to another person in real life recently and it went really well. It made me feel good and it was certainly a huge positive for me to carry around. And I started to somewhat talk to my father again, which has been a really awkward relationship for the past 4 or 5 months. We still don't talk about this and I don't know if he knows everything (he is aware of the hormones, endocrinologist and therapist) but it was really nice to be able to talk to my father. So, those are some good successes I can focus on.
In reality, my life could be much worse than what it is, and I have a lot to be grateful about. It's just hard sometimes because going through a transition is not easy at all and creates additional obstacles at times when they are not needed. I'm still at the beginning of it (even though I'm coming coming close to the middle) and just want to already be at the finish line.
And yes, I am happy with the progress I have made so far (even if it isn't as radical as I had hoped), but certain things are a little uncomfortable. At this point, I have breasts and am glad for it (yeah they're small but they exist), but I don't like when people stare at them. It's very awkward and it's been happening a lot recently. Nonetheless, I'll have those feelings even after my transition is over.
Quote from: JLT1 on November 21, 2013, 10:55:52 PM
LTL,
Much of what you have said about your fears is true of everyone, cis or trans, male or female. The fear is legitimate. Will I be pretty (or handsome)? Will I find love? Will I keep my job? Will I..? Will I..? Will..? All legitimate questions. You have had them for a long time. What has changed is the way you are dealing with those fears.
I have a theory that when a girl gets to a certain point in her transition, she just gets really depressed. Our female brain is maturing into a woman brain and it reaches a point where growing and dealing with the problems of transition become so much that the brain just overloads. You are in that stage. You have dealt with a lot of this most of your life and you handled it then. Handle it now.
I also believe that it gets worse. I had a post where I clearly stated that I had been through worse in my life and never thought about suicide but kept continually doing so. I think that part is still coming in your transition. Be strong, we are here.
For 17 months, I endured daily insults, nasty remarks and slights from my partner, from my wife. I won. For a while at least but there is hope that perhaps we can make forever. You have made it so far, you have done so well. Hang in there. You are an impressive and amazing woman. Remember that. I'm a scientist, I know these things....
Hugs,
Jen
That's true that there are uncertainties in life that exist no matter what. It's just frustrating. But I always pick myself up and do the best that I can at the moment. On the job front, even if it isn't the most ideal situation at the moment, I am doing what I can and earning the respect of some of my co-workers. It's not perfect, but all I can do is be me and work hard. It seems to be going well and I've been getting some really good feedback. As for the family situation, I'm trying really hard to handle it, but it's really hard. There is just no winning with my mom. I'm giving it all that I can to turn it around and will never give up; however, she has to give something too. It just sucks because family is very important to me and it's the place where I get the least acceptance. And as for the passing aspect, there is only so much I can do. I'm still early in and my hormones are finally at an ideal level (took forever), so I think I'll be okay with some more time and more effort. Yet, there is only so much we can do to enhance our appearance. Same thing with social acceptance and love. Much of this is outside of our control. I guess I don't like not having a say in my own fate.
As for the hardship phase, I'm hoping you are wrong about that. Still, I take it as a good warning. Once people start really getting confused by my gender, I will probably have a hard time. The stares that I have been receiving have been hard enough and this is just the very beginning.
Quote from: Ashey on November 21, 2013, 11:08:46 PM
Just keep in mind that you can overcome everything. I was stuck in a rut for years and didn't think I'd ever come out of it, and then one day the pieces shifted and things finally started falling into place. You just have to keep at it no matter what. And don't give in to the 'what if's'. There are places for you in the world, and people who will love you regardless. You just have to push on and find them. :)
Thanks Ashley. I don't know if I can overcome everything, but I am sure going to try my hardest to do so.
Quote from: evecrook on November 22, 2013, 12:05:21 PM
Life is a bitch. I'm 60 years old. Wanted to be female since I was 4 tears old. I was so shy and introverted through grade school and high school I was unable to seek out help. Luckily I'm on the right path now. I also have a great love for God that kept me going. Because of my age I could care less if people look at me strange. I've found though that most people are incredibly nice. I went into a neighborhood cvs the other day with make up on and nobody gave me a second look, even thought I've been shopping there for 20 years. I just started HRT and I'm basically trying to out myself in baby steps. This definitely is not the easiest thing to do. When I get all dressed for a appt. with my counselor sooner or latter its really going to be challenging .I really have no choice though because this is who I am. I'm sorry that your mother is like that. Its going to be difficult because most people in society aren't transgender. Your the only one who truly knows if you are or not. You just have to take one step at a time. The world is open to you its all your choice.
Thanks Eve. I know I'm lucky to have started at a younger age and to have the benefits of a more understanding society on my side. However, it's never easy and sucks that it can't be, lol. Nonetheless, I agree that there are plenty of understanding people. I've been shocked at how many people have been embracing me (outside of family) it means the world to me. I'm hoping everyone that I encounter will be like that, but I know that won't be the case. I just don't want the negatives to be the majority and some of the stares I've started to receive make me wonder.
Quote from: Miyuki on November 22, 2013, 01:42:37 PM
LTL, I know how you feel... *sigh*, I haven't had a very good week myself. I don't want to go into details, but things in my family have not been going well lately, and I'm becoming increasingly doubtful that things can continue the way they are. In times like this, when things seem hopeless and you don't know what to do anymore, sometimes the only thing you can do is to just keep believing in yourself. Believing that no matter how long you have to struggle, or how much pain you have to endure, you will find a way to get to a place that makes you happy. Even if you don't know how right now, if you just keep trying your best and don't give up, things will get better eventually. How can they not, if you keep giving it everything you have? Problems don't solve themselves, but no problem is unsolvable, and no situation is impossible to overcome. Even if in the end you don't get everything you wanted (when does that ever happen?), there is simply no way to fail if you refuse to give up. There are only... momentary setbacks. ;) This is what I honestly believe, because if I didn't, I probably wouldn't be here writing this right now.
Thanks Miyuiki,
A good mindset is always a helpful motivator.
Quote from: Robin Mack on November 22, 2013, 02:39:36 PM
*hug*
If you will pardon a nautical metaphor...
When a ship needs to be reconstructed it is called a refit. You can do a lot of things while the ship is in the water, but sometimes the repairs required are extensive... at that point, the owner of the ship has two options: Either sail the ship until she falls apart (at great risk to the occupants!) or pull the ship out of service and put it on what is called a dry dock, where the ship is lifted out of the water so repairs can be made.
The ship is useless while it is in dry dock. No one can sail her, she just takes time and energy while the repairs are made. Every day she is not sailing costs money. But a functioning ship is a valuable thing, and that ship will be worth more when she gets back in the water than she was when she was pulled out. She'll be safer, more stable, faster, and more capable than she was before. A good refit can take a broken-down vessel and make her into a capable ship, sea worthy and ready to take any challenges she meets at sea.
Sometimes, our body is a lot like that ship. Our hearts and minds crew her. Sometimes the world hurts us so badly that we need to spend time out of it for a while to repair ourselves and transform ourselves. While this is happening, it is easy to be discouraged as the bills pile up and the worry stack grows; this is natural. What we can't see, though, while this is happening is that every bit of energy and time you put into this refitting is an investment for you and the people who know and love you. In the end you will be ship-shape and Bristol-fashion, ready to begin being more productive than you ever were before.
And yes, I'm not just writing this for you; with tears streaming down my face right now I realize I wrote it for me, too.
*hug*
I understand what you mean, but sometimes the world is unavoidable. We can't hide ourselves or withdraw from it. I've done that before and it's only made my situation worse. I mean unemployment would only be a major step back for me (not likely to happen from what everyone tells me, but still I get scared). I couldn't grow without something to financially invest in. And it's hard to escape my family because I live in my mom's house. While leaving would be ideal, it's not possible without a roommate where I live and finding a ts friendly roommate is hard. Besides, my mom needs my help with the bills. As for the rest of society, I've spent so long hiding from others. Staying out of it and withdrawing would be a major misstep and something my therapist tells me I need to work on. I'm getting tired of hiding and avoiding social interactions because I'm afraid people will detect me or hate me for being trans. That's why I'm slowly revealing what feels comfortable to me at the moment and slowly making the positive changes that I desire. So, I agree that we need to repair, but I believe we should try to do it while we are still at sea rather than go back to the docks whenever that is a possibility, if that makes sense, lol.
Quote from: evecrook on November 22, 2013, 12:05:21 PM
Life is a bitch. I'm 60 years old. Wanted to be female since I was 4 tears old. I was so shy and introverted through grade school and high school I was unable to seek out help. Luckily I'm on the right path now.
I know how you feel. I get it. I'm one year behind you, but evidently far less brave than you are. I feel like I'm past the point of switching horses at this point in the race.
Quote from: learningtolive on November 24, 2013, 02:03:51 PM
...
I understand what you mean, but sometimes the world is unavoidable. We can't hide ourselves or withdraw from it. I've done that before and it's only made my situation worse. I mean unemployment would only be a major step back for me (not likely to happen from what everyone tells me, but still I get scared). I couldn't grow without something to financially invest in. And it's hard to escape my family because I live in my mom's house. While leaving would be ideal, it's not possible without a roommate where I live and finding a ts friendly roommate is hard. Besides, my mom needs my help with the bills. As for the rest of society, I've spent so long hiding from others. Staying out of it and withdrawing would be a major misstep and something my therapist tells me I need to work on. I'm getting tired of hiding and avoiding social interactions because I'm afraid people will detect me or hate me for being trans. That's why I'm slowly revealing what feels comfortable to me at the moment and slowly making the positive changes that I desire. So, I agree that we need to repair, but I believe we should try to do it while we are still at sea rather than go back to the docks whenever that is a possibility, if that makes sense, lol.
I see... ;)
Yes, indeed, sometimes you have to keep things going without the luxury of withdrawing. I've done that for many, many years. However, the dry-dock can be many things... it can even be just coming home and barricading yourself in the bathroom while you take a nice hot, soaky bath, or just hanging out in the local library reading; somewhere you can be undisturbed and just be, well, *you*, with no pressure to meet anyone else's expectations. It seems like right now you know what needs to be done, you know the path you are on, and you know how to get there, but the time is just not right yet.
If you are like me, it is likely that some of the things that look like huge obstacles right now are phantoms made bigger by fear, but until you are strong enough to face your fear they may as well be as strong as they seem to be. Sometimes just taking time out of a day or a week (maybe four hours a week out of the house, doing something *you* love, but making certain it is a *priority*) can help build a sense that you exist apart from your circumstances.
*hug*
Of course, like anything else, my opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it.
Much love and many good wishes to you.
a lot of trans people find solace working in the trans community.
Quote from: Robin Mack on November 25, 2013, 09:52:12 AM
I see... ;)
Yes, indeed, sometimes you have to keep things going without the luxury of withdrawing. I've done that for many, many years. However, the dry-dock can be many things... it can even be just coming home and barricading yourself in the bathroom while you take a nice hot, soaky bath, or just hanging out in the local library reading; somewhere you can be undisturbed and just be, well, *you*, with no pressure to meet anyone else's expectations. It seems like right now you know what needs to be done, you know the path you are on, and you know how to get there, but the time is just not right yet.
If you are like me, it is likely that some of the things that look like huge obstacles right now are phantoms made bigger by fear, but until you are strong enough to face your fear they may as well be as strong as they seem to be. Sometimes just taking time out of a day or a week (maybe four hours a week out of the house, doing something *you* love, but making certain it is a *priority*) can help build a sense that you exist apart from your circumstances.
*hug*
Of course, like anything else, my opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it.
Much love and many good wishes to you.
Good advice. I do build up my fear and create obstacles that aren't necessarily there. I suppose I need to believe in myself more and keep my head up. Today a coworker pulled me aside and told me that I need to stop putting myself down. Apparently, she noticed that I have a tendency to be very critical of myself despite the fact that everyone thinks highly of me and accepts me for who I am. In a way, that mentality has been the very thing that has held me back. It's the thing that stops me from believing myself and making my dreams come true. And she implored me to stop being afraid about what people think and begin to embrace myself and have some confidence in that (by the way, she doesn't know I'm trans yet, supposedly). Maybe it's time that I have faith in myself and stop being afraid of the what ifs. I just don't know how to do that. I've always had a poor self image and there are things which reinforce that perception. It's a tough battle for me, and I don't know where to start. To be honest, I don't know if I can overcome my fears. Yet, my fear is what prevents me from living the life I want. It's why I don't come out and always hide. It's why I'm waiting for the perfect time to start presenting as female (which honestly I think I need more time). It's why I never sought out romance and refuse guard down in social interactions. It's why I undersell myself on a professional and academic level. I'm always afraid of rejection, but the only person that isn't accepting me is myself and that is what is hurting me. What an interesting dilemma, huh?
LTL, I identify with much you are saying. One thing I have done more recently is I am accepting positive reinforcement for the things I do that are done well and I receive a compliment. I take a moment (sometimes longer) and think how the compliment makes me feel. When I say "me" I mean Cynthia. I then accept the feeling and allow the warm glow of the feeling surround me. I am beginning to really like compliments; I never heard (ignored) them before.