Well, been thinking of a kind of way to word pretty much everything I've been feeling. It's confusing, and I will probably go off or just be off topic in general. I have no clue where to put this.
I am not sure who I am in the slightest. That's been kind of a going theme for the 19 years I've been living. On one hand, I have this strong compulsion to be a women and yet on the other I have these doubts if that's what my heart wants or not. I never really had strong glaring symptoms, I could care less about gender until around 13. I can't even remember what triggered it, but I began to find great joy and comfort in being a girl. It is seriously some of the only moments I can crack a smile for real, especially the rare moments I hear someone accidentally utter Ms. or Ma'am. Why don't I feel then 100% about it all?
This inner turmoil has really caused things to look pretty bleak. I've battled with depression and anxiety my whole life. Constant voices in my head saying "You can't do it.", "You aren't beautiful", "You aren't good enough to be a man or a women" have really took a tole. I don't have a job or a license, I'm Overweight, and I didn't go to college because I didn't think I could do it (classroom settings are the worst) and really my only relevant interests are artistic. It's hard to sing or write sometimes. A lot of it has to do with family as well I suppose. They are VERY strongly against homosexual and trans...well anything. To make things worse they practically prayed to have a boy, and all they got was whatever this is.
Basically, I really don't know where to go from here. Sorry if it was kind of lengthy or you get this kind of thing all the time. These days I'm searching hard to find out a lot of things about myself.
"whatever this is" is you. With all your faults and perfections, it is just you. It sucks when your family feels against you, and you are alone in all your feelings. The thing is, you are not alone at all. There are many,many more like you. It doesn't matter if anyone accepts you for who you are, as long as you do. Funny part is, after you realize that and start to relax about it, your confidence shows through and others start seeing you for yourself.
Confusion is normal, so are you. It takes time and a bit of self reflection to sort out exactly who that is. Trans or not, that remains true. So talk it out here, ask questions of us and of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you that a little faith in yourself can't cure.
Androgyne and agender is valid. So just be.
Thanks..sorry to kinda take a 180 from a somewhat cheery intro xD...had to get it all off my mind.
I don't really have any idea what to ask. My doubts come from how it just kinda, happened ya know? And I feel awful other people have to put up with the same things.
Some days I just think I'm foolish an shrug it all off, others it could bring me to tears -.- Do I focus on myself or trying to get back on some kind of track when it comes to progression. (A job, a license, all that good stuff)
Nothing wrong with expressing your thoughts. If anything, this is the place to do that.
QuoteDo I focus on myself or trying to get back on some kind of track when it comes to progression. (A job, a license, all that good stuff)
The answer is a combination. By focusing on yourself you will be getting back on track with the rest of your life. If you can, find a therapist who is knowledgeable in gender issues to help sort things out. They can also help you to deal with all the day to day things that can, at times, seem insurmountable. A job and license are pretty basic, a career on the other hand is a goal that takes a bit of time. I think you will find that working on one, leads to progress in other areas.
Do you know where you want to be? What do you want to do? These are questions that only you can answer.
Yeah, very basic. I just have to find a way to do it all. It shouldn't be hard, and I feel pretty awful I can't make myself do these things.
I get a lot of joy out of singing, but that's a 1/100 kind of thing lol. I would love therapy, but I don't really have the means to do so right now. I know my folk won't fork that over, because then I would need to explain why I need it and grahh D:
Quote from: LordKAT on November 26, 2013, 04:37:11 AM
Androgyne and agender is valid. So just be.
The gender binary is a social construct that makes things simpler. It's not the way things really are for many of us.
Quote from: MaryXYX on November 26, 2013, 05:51:29 AM
The gender binary is a social construct that makes things simpler. It's not the way things really are for many of us.
Yeah..there is more than black and white I suppose, but I'm not sure I am ok with being both or neither. It is something to consider though.
People have been putting you in boxes all your life so far. You don't have to put yourself in a box. You can be "not sure" for now until you work it out.
I suppose. To be truthful, it would be so nice to get some money and move pretty much anywhere.
I know things can seem pretty hopeless. I've been there. I even decided that transitioning was impossible for me so I'd better get used to the idea of being a "man" for the rest of my life. Cue 20+ years of trying, frantically, to fit in as a man, to make my family happy, to make my friends happy, and all the while thinking that I was a fraud, a sham, and altogether worthless.
All because I could not accept myself.
You are on a cusp in your life; different paths stretch before you. What I can say from 20 years down the line is that there is nothing to be gained from repressing yourself and burying the real you. It ends in misery, shame, and disappointment. For some, it ends in death. For me, it did end in a kind of emotionless walking death. I have so many years I could have *lived* but chose instead to trudge along.
Whether you transition or not, whatever you do, do it for *you* and your life. Everyone deserves a chance to live, to be happy. Please continue to explore. Save money and get out on your own if you need to... or start now, looking for sliding-scale therapists in your area so you have someone you trust to help you chart your course.
I'm telling you what I wish I had heard at your age. I probably wouldn't have listened to me, but here's hoping you do... you are already ahead of where I was. You are reaching out.
*hug*
Quote from: Robin Mack on November 26, 2013, 10:45:01 AM
I know things can seem pretty hopeless. I've been there. I even decided that transitioning was impossible for me so I'd better get used to the idea of being a "man" for the rest of my life. Cue 20+ years of trying, frantically, to fit in as a man, to make my family happy, to make my friends happy, and all the while thinking that I was a fraud, a sham, and altogether worthless.
All because I could not accept myself.
You are on a cusp in your life; different paths stretch before you. What I can say from 20 years down the line is that there is nothing to be gained from repressing yourself and burying the real you. It ends in misery, shame, and disappointment. For some, it ends in death. For me, it did end in a kind of emotionless walking death. I have so many years I could have *lived* but chose instead to trudge along.
Whether you transition or not, whatever you do, do it for *you* and your life. Everyone deserves a chance to live, to be happy. Please continue to explore. Save money and get out on your own if you need to... or start now, looking for sliding-scale therapists in your area so you have someone you trust to help you chart your course.
I'm telling you what I wish I had heard at your age. I probably wouldn't have listened to me, but here's hoping you do... you are already ahead of where I was. You are reaching out.
*hug*
I feel that so much...well, maybe not to that degree, but I've felt that way a lot. It's good just to hear from people who care, all of you here and who posted in this thread <3 *hugs*
It's pretty scary, but I think I can try and get out there. Probably need to practice not wigging out on the real road before I travel on the metaphorical one though o_o I actually might be able to find somewhere to stay, but if not cash hoard it is!
Lavender, I agree with Robin. Seek out a sliding scale therapist. Therapy is a start to help you answer your gender questions.
I looked that up, and it sounds like a good plan I guess. The scale hopefully slides low enough.
Generally they slide all the way down to "free", but your mileage may vary. :)
If nothing else, there are often free LGBTQ support groups available through the LGBTQ communities in cities.
Sounds great! I may need to hunt one of those down then. I already feel better, you know despite the fact it's freezing today .-.
I'm sure there has to be something here lol.