Hello everyone.
I've been poking around on here for several weeks and have decided that perhaps I might give this a go. So, after a stiff drink, I've mustered my courage and I think I'm ready.
I'm Maddie. There are very few people who know me by that name, but that number has been seeming to grow recently, and I see that as a very good thing.
Not really very good at telling compelling narratives about myself, but I will do my best, as others have done.
I was born in 1983 to a southern baptist family in Atlanta Ga. While I don't really remember most of the begging parts of my existence on this planet, the first real memory I have is of my first day of pre-school.
I was nervous as anyone could be walking in that day, and I didn't make it far before I was greeted by this sweet little blond girl. She wasn't shy at all. She walked right over, and said "Hi there! What color are your nails?" I, confused by such a question, looked at my fingers and said "um... I don't know, kinda pinkish I guess?" She looked at them, then showed me her bright red fingernails, giggling. We became instant friends and played together for the rest of the afternoon.
When my mother picked me up later, I told her of my new friend, and that I wanted pretty nails like hers. She scolded me. Telling me those things were for girls, and that I should be ashamed for asking. Later that day, when mother was making dinner, I got into her makeup bag and found some polish. I had just managed to get the bottle mostly open when she found me. I was beaten with a spoon then, and later with my dads belt when he returned home from work.
From then on, even from that age, I knew that something was "wrong" with me, and that I should be a good little boy and do what was expected.
Later, when I was about 8-9, I was having a bit of a depressive episode I guess. It was the first time that I really lashed out and acknowledged that I hated my body, I hated myself, and I just wanted to die. I spent the entire day, balled up in the corner crying and screaming. My mom tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't hear it. When my dad got home, and found me there, at first he was concerned. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him. I then remember him getting very angry, snatching me up and beating me. He told me that he was ashamed of me, and that I had better quit with all "this nonsense" and grow up. That he wasn't going to tolerate it, that I was a boy and boys don't cry.
From then on out I repressed everything. I knew no one would hear me. I knew it was somehow my fault. That I was simply defective. I worked tirelessly to try to compensate for this. Countless awards and achievements... Trying to make my dad proud of me.
Ive attempted suicide once(15) and seriously considered several other times as stuff would bubble up that I couldn't deal with.
Aside from that, I've been pretty good at repressing things... Life went on. I got married. Had kids... Until February of this year.
A young woman, a friend of mine called me one night from a rooftop in Boston. She had experienced about as bad of a year as anyone could. She had climbed that building with the intention to jump, and had called to say goodby to the only friend she thought she had. That was the longest night of my life. In the end, I shared my secret with her. In hopes that she could know that she was not the only one with a hard life. That others suffer. My secret turned the tide that night. For her and I. She got off that ledge and I spiraled into a deep depression.
It was like all those years had bubbled up and exploded like a shaken champaign bottle. I wrestled with it alone until July, when on a whim I decided to tell my friends on App.net what was going on with me. Their support has been awesome, and it gave me the courage to eventually tell my wife. Since then I have met with a therapist and have officially started down the path that will ultimately lead to my lifelong dream coming true. For the first time in my life, I'm excited about the future. I look forward to sharing my journey with you all.
Thanks for reading :)
Hi Maddie, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 8646 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
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Janet )O(
Well heya, and thanks for sharing your story :) I really get the dad part; if mine had known back then I would have gotten exactly the same response. I'm new as well, so maybe we can figure things out together.
-hugs-
Nice to meet you :) I certainly look forward to it.
Welcome, always remember that you are not alone in this. My story is a little different from yours but, we are walking the same path. Hard childhood, got married, had 3 kids, had some very dark days, hell even tried the army. I told my wife earlier this year, and I'm starting hrt in February of 2014. Once you can IM feel free to message me. ~hugs~
Nice to meet you :) What is this IM thing you speak of?
It's where you can send a message directly to a person on here. I do apologize, I don't remember how long you have to wait, it how many posts before you can use it.
Oh! I "think" I can do that already. Haven't tried yet. Incoming test (maybe)
You have the ability once you have made 15 posts. :-)
:)
Yes, I'm almost there. Lol
Hi Maddie, welcome to Susan's Place! I live near Boston. Thanks for sharing a bit about yourself. See you around the forums, hugs, Devlyn
*hug*
Welcome. And congratulations on facing something about yourself you've been avoiding for so long. I know very well how hard that can be.
Your story parallels mine in many ways. The difference is that I was so incredibly good at hiding it I managed to keep it hidden from myself, too, for some time... with disastrous results. At 36, after 12 years of abuse at the hands of my spouse, after finally separating and getting therapy, after finally getting my divorce... only then was I able to finally realize that I deserved the same shot at happiness that I believed everyone else should get. I realized, finally, that I had worth, that *I* counted for something... I was *not* a monster, I was a human being.
It was then that I finally realized I wasn't just odd, skirting gender lines and bad at passing as a boy (at least to me), I was and had always been female.
Since I have realized that memories came flooding back, sleepless nights crying because my body wasn't growing breasts, I'd never have a vagina. Endless questions and searches on the web for information about transitioning only to decide again and again that I didn't need to transition enough, that I could get by. Never really having a plan for my life, because I felt a life in the wrong gender had no worth. It wasn't until I realized I deserved the chance to transition, to live as the RIGHT gender that I found I *could* see a future for myself. Just not as an old man, in the end... as an old woman instead.
After I finally embraced that about myself I joined this site (instead of lurking) and made my first post here. With the gentle guidance and encouragement of the wonderful folks here, I made an appointment with a gender therapist. After our first meeting, she told me that there was no doubt in her mind that I was transgendered and she thought I would make a wonderful transition.
So far, she has been right. My creativity is coming back. My dysphoria has gotten worse, but at least I'm acknowledging it now instead of burying it which makes it, oddly, easier to deal with. I've come out to my surviving parent, my kids, my boss, and a coworker (as well as many, many friends). The *real* me is reaching out daily through Susan's and Facebook even while I present as male at work. Life is... well, much better. I'm making progress, despite the fact I feel like a lot of it is on hold, waiting for HRT.
The point is, I guess, that ignoring/burying/hiding gender dysphoria is a deadly dangerous game, and things really *do* get better from here. That doesn't mean I don't have down days sometimes, but it does mean that I am actively doing things to improve my life now, to live it rather than simply endure it.
*hug*
Feel free to drop me a PM if you need someone to talk to.
And welcome to my home on the internet, and the home of hundreds, thousands of wonderful people who have worn your shoes. You are *not* alone. You are *never* alone.
Thank you for the warm welcome :) I'm kinda in the same boat right now expression wise. I don't use Facebook (my extended family kinda sucks), but I'm the most prolific poster aside from news feeds on App.net. I get to be myself there, and now here. Otherwise, though I'm out to a few close friends, and my wife, my parents don't know yet. Given I run the family business, that makes things difficult. One day though.
Hi Maddie and welcome to Susan's.Congratulations on taking that first step.
:)