I wish I knew. That pretty much sums me up, more or less. I've always been the kind of person to figure things out on my own, I was always so quick to find the answer. But, when all my efforts have been exhausted, I simply go to someone who can tell me. What's the use in fighting if there is already someone who did the work for you, right?
But I can't do that. All of us here, in one way or another, have been told the exact same words that haunt me every day, "It's something you have to figure out for yourself, nobody can tell you who YOU are."
But who the hell am I, anyway?!
I know that every day I wake up, same as everyone else, I put on clothes, brush my teeth. I go to work, talk to my friends, and come home to my cat and roommate. And every night, before bed, as I lay there staring at the ceiling, the familiar echo (at this point it's lost its form as words and it more of a thought - a vague idea) rings through my head, "Who am I?"
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As a young boy I grew up like any other child. I had a best friend, we played with imaginary guns and raced imaginary cars. I wore the same clothes as any boy my age would, and I had all the same interests. Granted, instead of G.I. Joe cartoons I preferred that of Sailor Moon and Power Puff Girls, but that was all.
Nothing was weird, as far as I can remember, until my sisters were born. I was just 3 years old and I still remember my dad coming home with the biggest smile on his face saying, "Hey Sammy, guess what? You're going to have sisters"! At first I was just confused. I had never known a girl, other than my cousin, much less had the experience of sharing my house with one.
Fast forward a couple years and I'm now older sibling of the year! My sisters and I had grown so close that I was the one teaching them how to brush their hair, and who always played dress up with them and did their make up. I got such a thrill from all their toys! When they were asleep I would steal their barbies and polly pocket dolls and play with them in my room. I didn't think anything of it until my dad caught my mom painting my nails. I was such a young kid and she could tell I enjoyed playing dress up, but he wouldn't have any of it. He made me wash it all off right away, and all I could think of was how colorful my nails finally were and how much fun I was having.
But after that it was clear who was a girl and who was a boy.
Thanks to bullying and extreme loneliness, I forced myself to adapt to the world. I was tired of being the outcast. I starved myself for almost half a year, bought an entire new wardrobe, and even changed my hair. At the beginning of high school friends I had for years didn't recognize me, much less my classmates. I literally started fresh, and within a few short years I went from being a fat nobody to the top 5 most popular kids in school (which, considering my graduating class alone had around 900 kids, was a feat). I was living on cloud 9, but I wasn't happy. My relationships were great, but dull, and usually ended with the girl cheating on me. And, although I was popular, I never had friends. Just many, many acquaintances.
But, despite the new shell, I was still the same me.
Secretly I would wear my sisters' clothes when they weren't home, try their lipstick and makeup, and even paint my toes just because I knew I could cover it up but keep it with me.
And still, before I even had a concept of something other than a binary sexuality, I had the question just before I fell asleep each night, "Who am I?"
I could tell you about my college experiences (I'm 21 now). How I took Human Sexuality 101 TWICE just because I loved hearing about everything - realizing for the first time that there are other people who feel...different. I could tell you about I bounce between girls and am called a "playa", but really it's because I'm desperate for someone to understand me, or for someone to make me feel normal again. I could tell you about how I have a small collection of bras and panties that I wear around my apartment when my roommate isn't home, and I could tell you how I paint my nails at least once a week only to remove the polish the next day...
I wish I could tell you that every time I fasten those clasps behind my back my brain lights up and screams out "YES! THIS IS RIGHT!", but all I ever get is a momentary calm to the waters before I realize the bra is still just a bra, and my body is still just my body. I wish, I really wish, that I could tell you every time I look at the stores in the mall I don't hesitate slightly longer than I should. That I don't look at the scarf around the mannequin's neck, and dreamily stare at the clothes as they caress her form thinking how lucky the girl that buys those will be...but I do.
Every day I tell myself how much I fought for my image, how much I put into the "me" that society/my friends/my family sees, and that I've convinced myself is me. And how proud I am of what I've become. But then again, every day I get the empty feeling that something isn't right. I have to focus to act like the guy that I've created, and I always have. Constantly thinking "this is how you act, move your hands, not too much, talk them like this, use these words, smile but don't let them see too much of you, be careful".
Recently I've stopped "being careful". I've just acted like I want to act, in the moment, how I feel. I've let everything become purely reaction and what has it got me? I've become the girliest straight guy my friends have ever met. Not saying it's bad, I take it as a HUGE compliment. But that's the thing, which part is the compliment?
Am I girly? Or actually a girl?
Am I a straight guy? Or a lesbian girl? (<-- this one in particular has gotten me yelled at on numerous occasions by the LGBT community. Apparently I can think like a girl but how dare I say I still find them sexually attractive?)
Or, am I really trans at all? Am I androgynous and just jealous of those who have 'made their mind up' so to speak?
Who. Am. I.
It's something only I can answer, but it's something I'm terrified I'll never know the answer to. Am I just one thing, or am I all of them?
This topic was mainly to help me get this off of my chest. But if you in anyway relate to this, or have some advice, or just want to say your own side of the conflict story, be my guest. Sometimes just writing it all out can help...
Well, I'll ignore the obvious answer, which we have all heard dozens of times.
Honestly, sounds likely you're trans to me. I mean, after I figured it out, I started checking out clothes, went shopping, etc.
As for the lesbian thing, don't know where or why you got yelled at. I'm lesbian (after I transition of course) . I just don't find guys attractive. Yes, I'm not female on the outside yet, but so what? Idk that's my opinion.
It is good for all of us to write & vent out our feelings. Let it out if even to yourself, it will help.
Get thee to some therapy, girl. :D
The only thing more obvious than your gender*, from where I sit, is that you've internalized waay more criticism than is healthy. Transition doesn't necessarily fix things like that, thus the need to talk.
*(admittedly I could be wrong)
And if the local LGB-and-even-T can't cope with a simple concept like lesbian trans-tom or whatever, that should be their problem not yours. Should be, not always is. Androgyne counts as transgender, yes really and most certainly.
Just be Yourself Alara. Stop trying to analyse, just relax and be yourself that's what is most important, you have that right, it is a basic human right.
My name is Dana, I live in Australia. I am 60 and came out 25 years ago aged 35.
What you are is a person first. Forget the crap about 'doors'. I had people tell me that I was supposed to be a 'woman' or a 'girl', friends said things like . . "girls don't do that" or "women aren't supposed to like those things" It's a whole lot of bull, bad advice!
The world in this day & age is open to individuals who are living as their true selves. That's what you'll be happiest as. I am accepted in my community because I live true to myself, I am ME, I didn't come out of one closet to go straight back into another one of acting like the woman everybody expected me to be. I do not 'try to be a woman' or 'try not to be a man', I am relaxed in being myself, and those who don't like it - they don't matter!
I am Myself, and I get great respect from my friends and community for it. Sure it's a bit tough at times, but just keep on going. Be yourself, and if that's girly and you want to dress as a woman then do it, allow yourself the freedom to be yourself, and you'll find that's where the happiness is. Do not live to other people's labels, or pigeon holes.
Regarding sexual preference, I have always said, "I was bisexual before and I'm bisexual after" The truth is, I live with a woman in a lesbian relationship, have done for years. Look at it like this, as an individual on this planet in this century, do you not get to determine your gender identity? Yes you do, and you obviously identify as a woman more than a man. So as a woman in the 21st century, do you not get to decide who you are sexually attracted to? Yes you do. These issues are separate. You are a woman first, and you have the same rights as any other woman, that is, you have the right to choose who you sleep with. If you are a woman, and you sleep with women, then you are in fact a lesbian. It's not confusing at all. I hope this helps. Good luck.