Honestly, been thinking for awhile regardless of my little steps I've done. I am just tired of being scared...yet not matter what I try, what I do I can't get past it.
I can't seem to tell anyone I know in real-life about my issues. I try and end up curling up in a ball. I've find myself completely envious of everyone on here who are able to come out, to move forward even when they say they are scared.
I've tried techniques things such as visualizing what scares me ect ect.
I've always been this way, scared to do everything and just so tired...but not matter how many times I try to knock the wall down I can't make it through, so I feel I am going to never move forward past what ever I am doing currently. Which is not much playing video games, browsing Susan's place sighing as I look through threads.
How did some of you guys stop being scared and tell someone, do something. I am all ears for advice on breaking down the fear barrier.
Well for me it was realizing that I wasn't going to live forever and this was my one chance at living. The funny thing about fear is it's seems worse than it really and once you get past a fear you start to wonder what you were afraid of to begin with. The only advice I can give you just face your fear head on and see how little your fear really is. Be bigger than your fears and nothing will stop you. ;)
As usual sister Heather is right on the money girl! Live for now for you, not for others and their opinions. :)
I was scared too but I knew I had to come out to keep moving forward with my transition. Without even thinking about it, I started being more and more obvious and giving hints like going around wearing women's earrings or perfume. That way, sooner or later someone would confront me about it and I would be forced to come out (It's part of my personality that I won't lie about important personal things).
Looking back, I guess it was a wimpy way that I went about it but as I said, I was scared too! Anyway, it worked finally. My wife insisted on me telling her why I was doing these things and I just poured my soul out to her. That is an incredible feeling! However you get there, you will feel immense relief when you do tell someone close to you face to face. :icon_smile:
Oh lordy, I was so scared. I was terrified, I had nightmares. I also did not comprehend how other woman did it. How could they take control of their lives and face the truth? It seemed to be impossible, I was different, I had so much to lose, I had too many people that would be hurt, I would lose my job, which meant I couldn't pay my wife's nursing home fees. I just couldn't do it.
I could come home from work, change into 'Cindy' and meet my friends here in fearful anonymity. I would cry myself to sleep.
Then one day I had had enough. I told my work colleagues. They all hugged me, well at least the women did, the men were incredulous.
Not one single fear I had eventuated. Just the opposite. I suddenly had friends. I could stop drinking, within months I was off depression medication. I didn't pass, I looked like a guy in a dress. I got weird looks, I even got some weird comments.
Then one day I realised that Peter had died and Cindy lived. I was a happy woman living her life. I took the covers off the mirrors in my home. I threw his clothes out.
I was me, a woman who was proud of herself and ready to face her life. But I was still afraid, I was forcing myself still.
Then one of my students came to me, a student and a friend, she is a forthright girl. She sat next to me and told me that she was disappointed in me. She told me that I had taught her and my other staff to be honest with themselves and to always strive to be the best they could be. She told me I had lied to her and to the others, I had refused to follow my own teachings.
That was the moment that I accepted me completely, yes I had lied, yes I had failed, yes I was a hypocrite.
I had to be me to help others who were in fear. If I couldn't do that my life was a waste and I was a failure.
You are not a failure, you are frightened. Being true to you is all that matters.
Cindy
That's a really beautiful story Marissa :) I don't think it's wimpy at all the way you went about it. Everyone is going to have to find their own way to do what they need to do, and as long as you're doing something (anything) that brings you closer to that goal - whatever it may be - is a step in the right direction.
I like the subtle hints method. It gives people a chance to see what is coming in a very soft way. Even better, it can be a lot of fun to start incorporating the little things!
Aina-
Take it slow, one step at a time. Divert your focus away from fear and seek the little bits of happiness at all costs- they do add up to something great.
For me I don't have anybody to come out to accept the public. Its quite scary though. I'm doing the baby step approach. Being in the public eye in make up. I have gone out totally dressed in the past ,just not around people I know and would have to answer questions to about why I'm doing this. It gets easier all the time dealing with strangers .Sooner or later I'll have to confront the people who know me. If I start going to my therapy dressed I'll be confronting that issue head on. Although come to think of , years ago I use to walk around and shop dressed up and I did see people I knew ,But never stopped to talk. Its scary tough.
Quote from: Cindy on November 28, 2013, 01:12:46 AM
...Not one single fear I had eventuated. Just the opposite...
Cindy puts it beautifully.
Too often fears only have strength because we we feed them "what if" scenarios and they gobble them up, and spit them out at us saying "hahah! It will be worse than you can possibly imagine!" In large part that is what led to my first transition going down the gurgler. Since then I had to do a fair bit of work to build my confidence and realised a lot of my fearfulness was something I learned from my mother, also a worrier and a "What if" fear feeder.
I'd suggest you deal with what you know you can cope with. Break it down. If tiny steps are too big, go baby steps. Whenever I've confronted a fear the reality of the outcome has always proven to be manageable but I still had to be prepared for the worst. Start with your smallest fears, even if the worst thing imaginable happened would you still be able to cope and move on? If so, confront the fear! Very likely you'll find that fear was unfounded. Then move on from there, when you're ready confront the next fear and the next. Soon you'll find they have very little power over you. Good luck! :)
I understand fear very well; I lived with fear all my life.
Fear of coming out or progressing your identity is real, it exists, it stops you from being you.
When fear of being you is less than the desire to disclose then you will find out that there is another side of fear, freedom.
Freedom is sweet and fear is bitter. We need a balance of both.
There is a term I have herd before. Your bell will go off. Till the bell rings you just dont have it in you to do what you want. On the other hand when that bell goes off.......well the life you live now will become history.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.
Thanks everyone,
Maybe one day. There might be more to this then fear alone preventing me to move forward. I suppose I am in no hurry things needs to be done first before I can really move forward anyway. Namely get done with college and find a full time job with benefits would be nice hehe..
Careful though! This was my process:
I will tell my parents after my exams (aged 16)! They can't get mad at me if I do well!
I will tell my parents after I finish school (aged 18)! You know so I can get a job and stuff if I need to or whatever.
I will tell my parents after university (ages 22)! Since they are paying for it and all, give me the best chances in life...
---
I ended up telling my mum when I was aged 23 but only because she could tell something was up and wouldn't leave me alone. I was afraid to say because I was afraid of the unknown, I did not know what would happen if I told my family, how they would accept me or not, what I would do.
Ended up a really big anti climax and not the disaster I envisioned at all. The fear was the real fear. Nothing to be scared of but fear itself it turned out.
Make some queer friends.
Quote from: Isabelle on November 29, 2013, 12:02:40 AM
Make some queer friends.
I do have a few transgender friends I know online, one I talk to pretty regularly on voice chats. She knows how I feel and she shares her story, yet it is not the same unless you actually know the person in real-life.
I don't know anyone in real life that is queer,transgender ect at least not openly. Plus I don't find myself openly looking for people like that. Since I've kept this such a close secret and been so careful, I find it hard to seek out like minded people in RL again afraid someone would find out... :embarrassed:
You don't have any queer representation at your school?
Quote from: Isabelle on November 29, 2013, 12:40:42 AM
You don't have any queer representation at your school?
I do....and this will sound like an excuse but...I am only on campus for a few hours twice a week since I am nearly done and almost graduated. About three classes left to go super excited to finally be done.
The meetings they have are on days I am not on campus, plus I not sure I'd have the courage to walk in even if I was on campus then.
This:
Quote from: Heather on November 28, 2013, 12:10:47 AM
Well for me it was realizing that I wasn't going to live forever and this was my one chance at living. The funny thing about fear is it's seems worse than it really and once you get past a fear you start to wonder what you were afraid of to begin with. The only advice I can give you just face your fear head on and see how little your fear really is. Be bigger than your fears and nothing will stop you. ;)
Followed by this, from Cindy:
"Not one single fear I had eventuated. Just the opposite. I suddenly had friends. I could stop drinking, within months I was off depression medication."
As they say: You have never been older than you are today; you will never be as young as you are today.
It dosnt sound like an excuse, it is an excuse, and a piss poor one at that. Those groups are set up to help people like you. Grow a spine and go to a meeting. They don't need to know why you're there. Just go, meet people, make friends and stop being so queerphobic.
It doesn't sound queerphobic to me at all, it is just hard to break free from the shell. That first step is the biggest and hardest one of all. It's especially difficult to come out to that first person whether it be a friend, doctor, or even therapist. Yikes, I remember it like it was yesterday! I thought my brain was going to explode.
"I don't know anyone in real life that is queer,transgender ect at least not openly. Plus I don't find myself openly looking for people like that. Since I've kept this such a close secret and been so careful, I find it hard to seek out like minded people in RL again afraid someone would find out... "
That sounds pretty queer phobic to me.
Aina, until you get over your selfloathing and grow up a bit, you're not going to be happy.
There's nothing wrong with being queer or trans or anything else. There's nothing wrong with being friends with queer people. What are you worrie about? Your friends or family giving you ->-bleeped-<- about having some gay friends?
There is a big difference between ideating something and hearing the truthful words come out of your mouth as you tell someone. I swear, some kind of chemical reaction occurs that makes it not just real.. but really real. You can sense the feeling coming on when you want to tell someone something big- like coming out. If you keep letting it build up when what you really want to do is take action, over time the anxiety could end up eating you alive.
The internet is great because it allows us to ideate freely without attachment to our personal true life identities, but the bad side is that provides a very cozy shelter from the real world to hide within. It can be very hard to break into making this a real life matter, but ultimately you will be the best judge for your own situation. If you need more time, then don't rush it. There is a perfect time to transition for everyone :)
Isabelle is right, I am sacred of what my family may think what my current friends may think, that it will come back to me and I will be found out..
That is the thing that bugs me, that makes me mad and crazy.
I want them to find out and SO wish I would screw up and get caught so that I can force myself to let it all out. To be put in a situation that I can't hide from. Yet my mind takes control and I plan my voice practice carefully, I talk to my transgender friend on voice only late at night so not to be heard, I avoid situations that may out me and I don't understand why or how to stop!
Quote from: Aina on November 29, 2013, 11:29:31 AM
Isabelle is right, I am sacred of what my family may think what my current friends may think, that it will come back to me and I will be found out..
That is the thing that bugs me, that makes me mad and crazy.
I want them to find out and SO wish I would screw up and get caught so that I can force myself to let it all out. To be put in a situation that I can't hide from. Yet my mind takes control and I plan my voice practice carefully, I talk to my transgender friend on voice only late at night so not to be heard, I avoid situations that may out me and I don't understand why or how to stop!
What do you think your first step should be? Think of easy steps to take and what they might be for you. Then develop a plan to follow through. I was afraid to go to my first support group. Not because I'm queerphobic, I've been a huge advocate of lgbt issues for a long time, but I was afraid others would know my own secret. To make it easier, I brought supportive friends along with me. Do you know anyone who can go with you? If not, are there any friends that you can tell. The more people who know the more support you have. And the more support you have will help you with developing some confidence. That, at least, is what I found for myself. Good luck! :)
Quote from: learningtolive on November 29, 2013, 02:24:54 PM
are there any friends that you can tell. The more people who know the more support you have. And the more support you have will help you with developing some confidence. That, at least, is what I found for myself. Good luck! :)
That's what I found for myself, too. The sooner you can start building up an inner circle the better
I was and AM still scared about telling my family I'm transgender, I still have some left to tell before I can really move forward. I told my parents over a month and a half ago and I seriously thought they would disown me, abandon me and do something far worse than all of that. The reality was that they knew something had been bothering me for a long long time and could see I was in really bad pain as I was trying to tell them but I couldn't climb up and over the mt Everest of fear that I had created over 25 years. Basically my fears were just that and that even while I did have quite a few issues with my parents at first they are coming around now that they can see that everything I'm doing is what really is better for me. This was what happened the night I was finally able to say it, https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,150239.msg1253817.html#msg1253817
Since then things have been going pretty well with my parents. I actually got to show them who I am yesterday in the morning to help my mom make thanksgiving dinner. I really do think that things are starting to fall in place with them as wow our daughter is still the same person we've always know and she just looks different now. Me and my mom are closer than we've ever been, we have been working on makeup and yesterday she was absolutely astounded when I showed her that I have a figure. In the end they did compliment me as it was a fear on their part that I would look like some horrid beast but really I can pass for any 5'11" cis woman. Getting over your fear is tough, I won't even dare to lie that all you have to do is get it out there. It's tough no matter how you go about doing it but for your own sake you have to as I know deep down that I didn't have long left in this world if I didn't come out to be me.
Quote from: learningtolive on November 29, 2013, 02:24:54 PM
What do you think your first step should be? Think of easy steps to take and what they might be for you. Then develop a plan to follow through. I was afraid to go to my first support group. Not because I'm queerphobic, I've been a huge advocate of lgbt issues for a long time, but I was afraid others would know my own secret. To make it easier, I brought supportive friends along with me. Do you know anyone who can go with you? If not, are there any friends that you can tell. The more people who know the more support you have. And the more support you have will help you with developing some confidence. That, at least, is what I found for myself. Good luck! :)
There is one friend who most likely would understand, she is a big advocate for all things human rights and is a sociology major. Yet she moved away to Texas for graduate school and we only get to talk via Facebook this year. So not sure if that really counts.
Also I really don't think I am queerphobic I am a big believe in equal rights and pretty open about it. I am afraid to go to support groups, I can't lie about that. Nothing shames me more when I told you LtL I was going to go see my college counseling center. I walked past it, said I would do it after my first class for two months now, made excuse, went to lunch with a friend instead and now the semester is literally almost over.
Maybe starting by telling all my online friends might be a good step only a very select few people know how I feel. Allot see me as female online...maybe starting there will let me build up courage to do it in real life?
I had a lot of fear, shame, and guilt that prevented me from transitioning years ago. Fear that transitioning wouldn't "work" for me, that I'd lose my friends/family. Shame... I was raised catholic in a poorer, very homophobic/transphobic neighborhood. I hardly hang out with any of my old "friends." Guilt - for some reason I thought something I did in life was why I felt like I did.
And of course, worrying about "what others would think."
What helped me out was massive introspective meditation, a few near death experiences, and soem world traveling. I traveled Africa for 3 months, visiting friends in Peace Corps, lived with one for 2 of those months in a very rural village doing subsistence farming.
Before my travels, I had much anger and bitterness inside of me, and fear. Sometime during my trip I became aware that life is good, and that my purpose in life is to be myself. I had originally planned on expatriating as a way to escape the pressures of my life, but while over there I became thankful for all of the great aspects of my life, and found that there's no need to escape from anything, only a need to create the reality that I want to see.
Sorry, this is a long post. After seeing so much death and suffering, a midst simple, true happiness, something clicked: I had been putting myself through suffering, I was a big ball of hate and anger and frustrations. I let it go, and opened up my heart.
But the story doesn't end there. Fast forward to just over a year and here we are. I have started transition, but I am not entirely out. Ok, rewind again. I am very lucky to have met a a great friend. I have met a few people like him in my life so far. The best description is a visionary or psychic. So a year ago when I made the decision to live my life and transition already, he and I were at a bar. (We had lived together in the past and I was his manager at work, we were very close) He told me that about 2 years ago, when he was living with me, he had this flash vision of me in the future, but I was a woman. I was suprised, and told him how since I was a little kid... {skip this part} and teased him, "why didn't u tell me 2 years ago!"
So the first person I came out to, well they came out to me first. That made it easy. Back to the future/present now. So I'm not 100% out, I'm doing it where I tell the closest people first. The people I want to be in my life, the ones I love, the one's I'm close to. Highschool acquaintances, gradeschool buddies, do they really need to know? I don't think so, in fact, most of the people I worry about telling the most are people I don't really hang out with ever, we never talk, we have drifted apart and the only link now is facebook. I'm completely cool with telling the people I care about as I transition, and once I'm good and fulltime, well the rest can find out through the grape vine. If they have questions they can ask me. My standard ending line for coming out is.... and if you have a problem with that or have anything not nice to say, well I don't wanna hear it and you can never talk to me again.
I hope my novelette will help you.
Oh, the introspection/meditation stuff. Sometimes I just know things, it's a nice gift. Whenever I don't listen to my self, bad things happen. There's no doubt that my self is female, and that she wants me to be happy, and to share my love and happiness with the world. For the longest time I kept her prisoner, was not happy, and did not share any love, but instead spread hate. I didn't even love myself. Now that I have accepted myself and began to love myself, all of my past problems like anger, or drinking/drugs has stopped.
I would hate to make this any longer. I hope my words will help you. I've heard such great and inspiring stories from the others on this post. Many, if not all of us were in your shoes, coming out isn't easy, but once you do that feeling of the weight being lifted is so great. I have had nothing but positive reactions, but like I said, I'm cherry picking the people I tell. I get the feeling that some people have got me figured out, and they have distanced themselves from me, so perhaps that counts as a negative, but they were negative people, and to me, losing a negative person is something positive! I wish you all the courage and strength as you move forward :D
Quote from: Heather on November 28, 2013, 12:10:47 AM
Well for me it was realizing that I wasn't going to live forever and this was my one chance at living.
This is one of those realizations that really snapped me out of my shell-shock state. It was when I figured how much I'll lose by giving this up that I picked myself up and started doing things that I never thought I could do before when I was in fear.
I kept in mind that I owe
this to myself and the realization of how better a person I was becoming kept me going, strengthened me and built up my courage.
Quote from: Aina on November 29, 2013, 03:18:00 PM
There is one friend who most likely would understand, she is a big advocate for all things human rights and is a sociology major. Yet she moved away to Texas for graduate school and we only get to talk via Facebook this year. So not sure if that really counts.
Also I really don't think I am queerphobic I am a big believe in equal rights and pretty open about it. I am afraid to go to support groups, I can't lie about that. Nothing shames me more when I told you LtL I was going to go see my college counseling center. I walked past it, said I would do it after my first class for two months now, made excuse, went to lunch with a friend instead and now the semester is literally almost over.
Maybe starting by telling all my online friends might be a good step only a very select few people know how I feel. Allot see me as female online...maybe starting there will let me build up courage to do it in real life?
Don't feel ashamed. It took me forever to step forward, and I still have a very long way to go. Believe me, I'm nowhere near done and there are many more brave people than me on this forum. You aren't too far from where I am, so you shouldn't feel down about where you are. It's not an easy path and coming out will always be hard. We all take steps forward and backwards, so don't critique yourself for being human.
Coming out online is a very good step. To be honest, I've exposed more of myself on this particular venue than I have ever done in my life (except with some of my best friends). The internet provides you with an anonymous forum to be yourself. However, that is only the first step. It doesn't really compare to telling someone in person that your trans and exposing yourself. Every time I say it and the more people that discover it, makes my skin tougher and more confident. So, online is a good start, but it doesn't replace real life.
Perhaps telling that one supportive friend will be a good person to tell. Someone you can share intimate details with and rely on for support. I remember coming out to very trans friendly people and feeling terrified despite knowing how open they were. Now, these people are on my side and I can come to them with almost anything, some of them have enriched my life in ways they probably aren't aware of. It's amazing to have those kind of friends and developing a support structure makes the fear more manageable. For example, I spent my coming out night with one of my best friends. She helped get me through that rough spot and I don't know if I could have done it without her. Even though your friend is far away, maybe she can be an important part of your support structure? And is there anyone else? What about your SO? Also, think of how liberating it will feel to no longer have to hide. Of course, it's all about your own self worth and inner strength at the end of the day. However, opening up and letting it out is one way to develop that strength so that you can move forward. The liberation and confidence that comes from it has been invigorating to me, so that's why I make the suggestion.
P.S. This is all just my personal opinion and what I have found to be helpful for me. I can't say what will work for everyone.
Quote from: learningtolive on November 29, 2013, 08:38:34 PM
Don't feel ashamed. It took me forever to step forward, and I still have a very long way to go. Believe me, I'm nowhere near done and there are many more brave people than me on this forum. You aren't too far from where I am, so you shouldn't feel down about where you are. It's not an easy path and coming out will always be hard. We all take steps forward and backwards, so don't critique yourself for being human.
Coming out online is a very good step. To be honest, I've exposed more of myself on this particular venue than I have ever done in my life (except with some of my best friends). The internet provides you with an anonymous forum to be yourself. However, that is only the first step. It doesn't really compare to telling someone in person that your trans and exposing yourself. Every time I say it and the more people that discover it, makes my skin tougher and more confident. So, online is a good start, but it doesn't replace real life.
Perhaps telling that one supportive friend will be a good person to tell. Someone you can share intimate details with and rely on for support. I remember coming out to very trans friendly people and feeling terrified despite knowing how open they were. Now, these people are on my side and I can come to them with almost anything, some of them have enriched my life in ways they probably aren't aware of. It's amazing to have those kind of friends and developing a support structure makes the fear more manageable. For example, I spent my coming out night with one of my best friends. She helped get me through that rough spot and I don't know if I could have done it without her. Even though your friend is far away, maybe she can be an important part of your support structure? And is there anyone else? What about your SO? Also, think of how liberating it will feel to no longer have to hide. Of course, it's all about your own self worth and inner strength at the end of the day. However, opening up and letting it out is one way to develop that strength so that you can move forward. The liberation and confidence that comes from it has been invigorating to me, so that's why I make the suggestion.
P.S. This is all just my personal opinion and what I have found to be helpful for me. I can't say what will work for everyone.
I suppose I have been hard on myself, it has only been about two months that I even accepted these feelings that I've had as far back as I can remember. When I think of it I have taken some pretty big steps, doing things I would never have considered a year ago or even further back.
As for a SO (Significant other?) I haven't had one in a looooong time. That is a whole different can of beans, that really won't be settled till I figure this out first.
I am going to start telling some close online friends, and see how it goes and see where it leads me.
Thanks everyone sorry for sounding so self loathing, I was just a bit down this week.
For me it was about realizing I was fighting for my life and my core identity. The feeling of dysphoria doesn't get easier with time. It gets harder.
The moment I stopped caring what others thought and started caring about what I needed, things started getting much better.