From somebody looking on the outside, my life would look pretty good right now. I have a loving family and I've just started a job. Except my life feels like it's slowly crushing me down. This post isn't for advice, because I probably won't listen to it anyway. I just need to let out all of this negativity.
I'm not good with words, so this post probably won't make a lot of sense. I just need to let this out because every single day that passes my life feels like it's getting worse, but better at the same time. That doesn't make sense I know. I'm moving forward with my transition but I can't help but feel that I'm always going to be a lady trying to be a man. I know I don't pass. Every day I get misgendered at work. It hurts. I want to get on T, but that's going to be a while yet.
I'm really upset about life, but nobody knows. Partly because I have nobody, which is my own fault. I'm hurting and I'm not angry, it's just this constant pain in the pit of my stomach that feels like my chest has been pulled out. It's like when you have been crying for a long time, and you get that empty feeling. It feels like that, except I can't cry. I'm numb. Self harming doesn't help me, but I still find myself doing it.
I feel myself wishing that I wasn't transgender. I hate myself for it. I will never be the man I see in my mind. I'm a fat girl full of ugly curves. I don't feel like I will ever be loved by anybody. Until I'm on T I will be seen as a girl and I hate it. I have lost some people due to my transition. It kills me. It feels like I have been hit around the head with a bat. It hurts my head, it hurts every part of me. I can't get over it. I feel lost.
It feels like my life has been ripped from me. I feel like an empty shell walking around watching what my life should be. This post doesn't make a lot of sense but these are all my thoughts and I needed to vent them.
Hey Joe, there is no reason to hate yourself.
I think you are feeling the same sorts of things many of us do. Some parts of our life are going along swimmingly, and other parts are a disaster. A lot of that stems from our feeling that we lack control of our lives. We know where we want to go; we know how to get there; and there are road blocks at every corner.
Trust me, I am in the same boat. There isn't a doctor for a hundred miles that would prescribe HRT to me, with my set of medical conditions. Even though I believe I have healed, it is an uphill mental and emotional battle every day.
I know it won't make you feel any better if I say, be patient, time is on your side. You are in a hurry to be your authentic self!
There are some things you can do, pre-T, that might help you get a better body image. Working out, even with light weights, to tone the muscles. General exercise (good for depression and weight loss too). And working on that can-do mind set. Don't be your own road block.
Thanks Jamie. You're right about the road block thing. I'm sorry you're going through a similar thing. It certainly sucks. I know I need to exercise, it's just the motivation to go and do it. Once I find that motivation I think it'll help.
I think I have told you that I've been exactly where you are, with the difficulty passing, the long wait, the soul-crushingness of it all...waiting for two and a half years was the worst thing I ever did to myself. What's holding you back from T (I think you've mentioned it but I forget)?
That said, looking at my own situation in hindsight, I have kinda good news and bad news. The bad news is that I really had a lot of trouble moving out of the pit until I started T. Looking back, if I could have, I think I would have made different choices and different sacrifices and started T earlier. I remember having a discussion with a good friend, and I said to her "Why can't I just be happy while waiting for T? Why can't I just accept that I am seen as a woman for the time being?" And her response was genius imo, she said "because if you could, you'd probably not be transgender to begin with - that's the whole point, if you could be happy living as female, you wouldn't be going through all this in the first place!" And getting on T has helped in many ways - I still get dysphoria but all the time I see more and more "me" in the mirror.
The kinda good news is that T doesn't do everything, so if you can't start right now, you can at least ease the pain a little. When I started T, the dysphoria got better, but some things that didn't get better are things like my negative self-talk. I realize that being seen as female and having the wrong hormones is extremely painful, but it doesn't mean that you're a "fat girl full of ugly curves." Your body may be wrong but that doesn't make you ugly. Even losing weight won't help much with that negative self-image - it could be good to help with anxiety and depression, but it's not going to make you have a better image of yourself. T isn't going to change you, weight loss isn't going to change you, you have to change you. Something that has done wonders for me (I don't know if this would make things better or worse in your case) is looking at images of big guys. On some level I was comparing myself to these supermodel guys, but when I started looking at images of fat men (shirtless, and yes, often naked, lol, don't judge me) I realized that I didn't have to be a supermodel to be a guy, or even to be an attractive guy! I don't like men really, but I can objectively say "those guys aren't ugly because they're bigger, they don't have to change by getting ripped, why do I?" Seeing that some of them have big chests helps me too, cause I can visualize my own chest as just part of being bigger. I dunno. Lol. It works for me.