I had a discussion with my mom tonight where she told me that I was rushing into things and didn't seem 100% into transitioning. This being because I told her that I didn't tell my psychologist much before I told her in May 2013. I told her that I've been thinking about gender stuff since June 2012, but she has selective memory. She is the worrying type, which is part of why it took me so long to come out as being attracted to women and being trans. To her I'm doing this because being straight is easier and this has to do with my faith (which I kept from her because she would jump to this conclusion). If anything being a lesbian is easier because you don't have to come out to everyone you know (I wish nobody knew me as my female name).
I'm having trouble with this because there are things that I haven't decided on such as bottom surgery (I'm 6 weeks on T). She seems to think that any decision that isn't 100% dissected to her standards and 100% sure of is wavering. I feel major pressure be 100% into things when in reality it is ok to have some level of worries/doubts when it comes to major life decisions. I don't think of our house as a emotionally safe place and haven't for along time, which is why I hate putting who I'm out there because I will get ->-bleeped-<- for not being her perfect daughter or not being "man" enough. This only fuels the perception that I'm 100% into transitioning.
I'm seriously considering cutting her out of my life as much as I can even though I live with her and I am financially reliant on her. I'm writing this because winter break is coming up and if there aren't any projects available at the place I interned at then I will be at home over break. I hope that I can get an engineering job in May, so that I can be financially stable and cut her out of my daily life.
I don't think I'm rushing into things, but I don't know how to tell her that it is my timeline without her pulling the I'm losing a daughter stuff when she has known for 7 months now. I know these things take time, but over 7 months I have cut my hair, gotten some mens clothes, started binding, and started T.
I don't understand. So your mother thinks you're claiming to be transgender so that you can become a straight male rather than go against your faith and live as a homosexual woman? (Hmm, I may try that on my parents...) Does she know that you started T and are beginning to transition?
If she does know and is the one paying for your therapy and HRT then she can't possibly be too against your decisions. It sounds like she's just being overly protective of you and wants to make sure you aren't making a choice that you'll regret later.
Ugh parents. Especially at the beginning. The main thing you can keep in mind is that it is super hard for her too. I know it's annoying to have to consider her feelings, when really she should just support you, but keeping her feelings in mind can make it easier to deal with her.
And I don't believe anyone is 100 percent sure of anything. Our emotions change. We make mistakes, we change our minds, new technology comes out, our financial situations change etc etc.
I wouldn't try to reason with her. That rarely works. Just be polite and ignore most of what she says.
I'm not sure if you are rushing compared to me you're taking your time.
I only came out to my parents this july. they were fine with it and everyone else has been fine with it but i plan on starting T in may. my mom thinks its very soon as do i a bit but i really want to just get this going, i know im going to be a man eventually, just gotta stop dodging around it. of course i am terrified, but at the same time so excited to be doing this. and my coming out as trans and getting on hormones was all so recent too...
i dunno to each their own. there is no race to the finish, you just do your own thing, as you feel the need to.
Again, my mom told me the exact same thing, hell she even told me to wait for 4 years until I finish college , and I was like "b*tch I dont wanna waste more time"
No I actually didnt said that, but its only natural for parents to say this stuff
My advise is to tell her straight on that this is not rush , dont let her confuse you , Im on hormones and I still havent decided about surgery , its up to the individual...
Quote from: chuck on December 05, 2013, 01:15:39 AM
Ugh parents. Especially at the beginning. The main thing you can keep in mind is that it is super hard for her too. I know it's annoying to have to consider her feelings, when really she should just support you, but keeping her feelings in mind can make it easier to deal with her.
And I don't believe anyone is 100 percent sure of anything. Our emotions change. We make mistakes, we change our minds, new technology comes out, our financial situations change etc etc.
I wouldn't try to reason with her. That rarely works. Just be polite and ignore most of what she says.
Hate to say it but chuck has the right idea here. I had been thinking about transition for 3 years before coming out - and then waited almost 3 more to start T to give my family "time" and stay at home so I could afford my education...and when I started T, I was still "rushing." Lol. Now, she may genuinely believe that it's a rash decision and just be concerned that you will end up regretting it one day. The best thing to do is just keep being you and hopefully sooner rather than later, she will see that you are happier for it.
You mom sound pretty much like mine.
When she say "you" she also mean "I"
when you come out as trans, She is comming out as a mother of a transchild and it may feel as a rush for her, while you had along time thinking about it she maybe just noticed it since you came out?
so I belive she is rather nervous and not sure how to handle the situation and therefore react like this.
I think you should try to alience yourself with some other "expert and invold her in the process.
if you want to take homones then get a meeting talking about what homones is like and invite your mother so she also can get what its like.
if there are parrent suport group then try to get your mother invold to talk to other parrents.
I belive she just put up a wall because she is scared of the unknown, and she want you to be 100% clear and sure because she have no idea herself how she should handle it. I belive she want the best for you but like you need time to figure out stuff, she need the same. You can educate her but some parrent also belive "they know better" so somethimes it good to get other people invold as well, make it a confortable experience for everyone.
I don't know your history, your identity or your relationship with your mother. Did you only decide that you were trans* last year?
If so, I can understand that your mom is feeling that this is too soon. The reality is that most parents will feel the exact same way. 7 months may seem like a long time to you, but it's not all that long when your mom is seeing something as "drastic" as a transition from one gender to another happening to her child. You can't put a timeline on your mom's feelings and you can't expect her to just "come around". It is actually akin to a grieving process - because, in some ways, our families are losing a perception of a person that they have known for many years. It takes time. In short, I don't necessarily believe, from what you've said here, that she is being too unreasonable.
I don't know how old you are, but you are likely young judging from the small amount of information you've provided. You need to realise that you can't just tell someone something like this, especially if they perceive that this is a recent development (even "last year" is relatively recent) and expect them to be 100% okay with it and feel secure. You need to be continuously attempting to educate your mom - give her information, be open with her, be PATIENT. The worst thing you can do, in my opinion, is to "cut her out of your life". That is lazy and irresponsible, not to mention inconsiderate. You should be reaching out and educating her.
We expect people to just cut their own emotions, worries and thoughts right out of the picture and just "toughen up" and support us. They have a right to their worries and doubts, too, and I think you should respect that.
I agree with what was said, she must be at least somewhat convinced to be paying for your therapy (and I assume, your HRT).
You said yourself that she's a worrier which is why it took you so long to come out as a "lesbian" - well, that was your choice and obviously you care and worried that SHE would worry, hence why you didn't tell her sooner. So you have some responsibility in all of this, too. I think that you should really re-examine your thoughts and reactions to your mom and have some empathy. Yes, parents aren't always immediately supportive - and some actually react completely inappropriately and even disown their children. That is certainly not the right thing to do, but in your case - I don't see anything this cruel or extreme coming from your mother. Just a person who is worried.
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on December 05, 2013, 05:52:29 PM
I don't know your history, your identity or your relationship with your mother. Did you only decide that you were trans* last year?
Last year was when I decided to process my gender issues because I always said when I move out/go to college I would. I have known since I was about 5 years old, but gender stuff never seemed like an appropriate conversation, while I was a minor.
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on December 05, 2013, 05:52:29 PM
I don't know how old you are, but you are likely young judging from the small amount of information you've provided. You need to realise that you can't just tell someone something like this, especially if they perceive that this is a recent development (even "last year" is relatively recent) and expect them to be 100% okay with it and feel secure. You need to be continuously attempting to educate your mom - give her information, be open with her, be PATIENT. The worst thing you can do, in my opinion, is to "cut her out of your life". That is lazy and irresponsible, not to mention inconsiderate. You should be reaching out and educating her.
By cut out I would like to avoid most of the passive aggressive comments. The main thing is our relationship needs space (my sisters have left due to her comments and general bull). I have tried educating her, but she cannot understand the most basic of concepts such as butch lesbian =/= transman. I prefer my father because he says exactly what he is thinking even if he is not supportive.
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on December 05, 2013, 05:52:29 PMI agree with what was said, she must be at least somewhat convinced to be paying for your therapy (and I assume, your HRT).
She doesn't pay for HRT because she doesn't want to and I didn't think she should. She does pay for therapy because of other issues.
Quote from: Kreuzfidel on December 05, 2013, 05:52:29 PM
You said yourself that she's a worrier which is why it took you so long to come out as a "lesbian" - well, that was your choice and obviously you care and worried that SHE would worry, hence why you didn't tell her sooner. So you have some responsibility in all of this, too. I think that you should really re-examine your thoughts and reactions to your mom and have some empathy.
I agree with what you've said. I should grant her some empathy, but it is hard for me when she says passive aggressive stuff. I prefer directness in social interaction. Stuff like "I can tell your on T because your mad right now" or "that's a trait I associate more with women" is going aggravate me. I should be kinder and remember she has known for less time when I interact with her.
I hope you don't mind I'm from the other side of this site but the idea of therapist moderator might not be a bad approach.
Quote from: evecrook on December 08, 2013, 03:15:19 PM
I hope you don't mind I'm from the other side of this site but the idea of therapist moderator might not be a bad approach.
You're always welcome over here Eve. :)
Just curious, what's a therapist moderator? Never heard of that before.
Quote from: evecrook on December 08, 2013, 03:15:19 PM
I hope you don't mind I'm from the other side of this site but the idea of therapist moderator might not be a bad approach.
My mom suggested this earlier, but it fell through because I got busy with school and she was away for 2 weeks. The previous time I felt like she was going to use it as a springboard to force me out of this, which is part of why I let it fell through the cracks. Now it maybe better because it isn't as new. Also trans issues aside our relationship is not spectacular so, this is a good idea.
I might consider this as time has passed and I'm more confident in my ability to communicate where I'm coming from (I'm not that great at expressing emotions at times even if some people think I'm a open book).
I figured out I was trans in Feb, March started therapy, was on T by July, Hysto in August, Top surgery in December. Meta 2 yrs on T. Once I decided to transition I jumped right in. I'm sure my mother was less than thrilled, but I'm old enough where her opinion doesn't matter. I just tuned her out. Now I'm just living the dream, as me. :)
Sometimes you just have to smile and nod.
Jay